How much DOES sex actually matter in a LTR?

[Tailsandsnails]

Does it matter and would you really end things if there were no sex but children involved?
My husband and I do not have sex, it’s now been 6 years - nearly 7 - it is unlikely to change.
But with three children how much does this matter?
Would you really leave in these circumstances?

@NeptuneNetty

Totally empathise *@BlondeDogLady*!!

I think it’s particularly hard as a woman facing this, as nearly all of my friends complain about their lust-filled husbands 😭 I’d love to be desired like that.

After many many years of rejection (we’re mid-40’s, together 25 years, attractive and both healthy)… I’ve friend-zoned my husband. I think of him almost as a nice cousin. All his own doing.

I know he’s attractive, he makes me laugh, I feel zero desire for him now though. It’s like the ick. I always get dressed and shower in private and the idea of being intimate with him ever again makes me shudder. I don’t think I could entertain the idea now 😂

Which is weird, as for many many years I tried to instigate sex and he was nearly always tired/stressed/unwell/reading blah. It erodes your sense of value and attractiveness.

He always loves cuddles though, always wants to hold hands and our 3 DC always see us touching and interacting. So I don’t worry about them growing up with cold parents etc and learning bad examples.

None of our friends would ever guess that we don’t have a normal relationship and I would never mention it as I actually feel embarrassed that person who is supposed to cherish and desire me…doesn’t!!

I might be a beard for him if he’s gay or asexual. Underneath I’m angry at him and also myself, as the issue was kind of there before we even got married.

I won’t leave though and he’d never countenance an open relationship as it would go against his image and ego!!

At some point in the not too distant future I’ll likely indulge elsewhere. I work in a male-dominated field, so opportunities would be plentiful. I don’t feel guilty about it either, as it isn’t cheating someone if it’s something they don’t value or want themselves.

I love our family unit and our home, I’m not going to throw that away.

I'm so sorry. Yes, I know what you mean about wanting a lust filled husband! If only! I can totally see how you have friend-zoned your DH. I have actually tried to do this with mine, but I still fancy him, so haven't managed it yet. It's funny about the cuddles isn't it? Wouldn't you think that he'd feel your body against his, and it would ignite something? My DH can give me a full on snog, and then just wander off.

I wouldn't blame you if you indulged elsewhere. How many years are you meant to go untouched? I sometimes worry that when I'm in my 80's I will be angry with myself that I allowed this, and that I didn't ust have a fling when I was young enough!

I’m really struggling at the moment with feelings of being self conscious and not feeling valued, I’m pregnant and I’m not allowed to have sex at the moment due to a pregnancy complication.
I don’t know how anyone could survive for 7 years without the sexual attraction/ intimacy.

It’s a part of human life, without it what are you to one another? Just friends…

So sad some of the stories here

@MistyFrequencies

It's really important to some. I haven't had sex with my husband for 5 days now- nothing's wrong, just life getting in the way- and it's really bugging me. No way would I last a year. Let alone 6.

Stealth boast

@MistyFrequencies

It's really important to some. I haven't had sex with my husband for 5 days now- nothing's wrong, just life getting in the way- and it's really bugging me. No way would I last a year. Let alone 6.

I’ve not had it this fucking year, wife has no interest any more..,

@BlondeDogLady

They always say the right words but I don’t think they mean them. Mine was like that. It’s just lies basically to keep you sweet.

A lot of times it doesn't matter to one person but does to another but they say nothing to keep the peace or at the risk of offending the non-sexual partner, who they probably love. Something coninues to be missing from their lives and eventually a lot do leave, or have affairs.

@BlondeDogLady really not stealth boast, sorry if came across badly. OP asked if it was important, was just trying to say that to me it really is.

it matters very much to the people that enjoy sex, and not very much to the people that dont.
I would probably leave the relationship and try and keep a friendship and parenting partnership but I wouldnt want to be stuck in a sexless marriage as id feel like a huge amount of joy in my life had gone and no hope of returning

OP, what would happen if you said to your partner, "I am not happy with the lack of sex?" It's tough but you should start the conversation.

I couldn't do it. I would have spoken up a lot earlier than 6 years and if no change would end things.

Can still have amicable relationship and sharing of kids/regular contact

We only have so much time in life and I have no interest in spending it without the most intimate physical intimacy with someone who cares about me.

@LindaEllen

It's not the sex that's the issue, it's whether you agree on the regularity of sex or not.

Me and DP can take it or leave it, might have sex a couple of times a year. It's nice when it happens, but neither of us really pushes for it at other times. But we always fall asleep cuddling, and are best friends in every other respect.

This is us too.

We have been together for 34 years and for one reason and another the regularity has dwindled, but we are both happy with this and still in love and find each other attractive.

I think it's probably more Important to find someone first and foremost you can get on with and who treats you well etc. Honesty, reliability and being caring are all.important. Nobody is perfect. I don't think anyone gives us everything we need do they. Good and regular sex is abit of a bonus. Life is hard its ice to have a nice partner, someone who cares for you etc, someone with a nice personality. Are you going to keep throwing in the towel and moving on just to find good sex. You may never find the whole package you are looking for. Nobody ever died from not having any if enough sex.

Wouldn’t bother me at all.

Never understood what the fuss was about.

Love is what matters, not sex.
Sex is shallow.

@OuchWhatWasThat

Let’s try again….

I’ve been in relationships with no sex.
And they were far from being ”just housemates” or ”only friends”.
And they ended for other reasons, not because of lack of sex.

Really sad for peope who’s relationhips only depends on sex.
Maybe that it explains why so many of them are miserable.

At the end of day sex doesn’t mean anything.

I agree with this. Well said.

Come on. To the poster who said sex is meaningless. Of course it isn't. It has a significant meaning to humans. It is the human connection that results in the continuation of our species.

This is a horrible thing to say.
It’s different for different people.
And those who don’t want it are still humans.

So since sex doesn’t mean anything to some of you, you’d be happy for your partner to have sex with someone else then?
You know, cause it doesn’t mean anything?

[quote Topofthepop]@BlondeDogLady

They always say the right words but I don’t think they mean them. Mine was like that. It’s just lies basically to keep you sweet.[/quote]
This^^ Very much so.
It seems a cycle of discussing the issue, getting whatever answer they think will pacify you for a while with no actual improvement. This has unfortunately been going on for years for me with no improvement and no sex at all.

This topic comes up regularly and there was a recent suggestion to have a meet-up for all the people in sexless marriages to share experiences and as a form of support group.

It's obviously not only about the sex and there are many aspects of a relationship that may mean a sexless marriage is viable for both parties but I suspect that the removal of an element of the relationship that is very important to one or both parties will ultimately lead to the slow death of the relationship and the willingness of either party to care, love and respect the other. This would apply for any important aspect of a relationship - not just sex.

For me the painful aspect is that I see this as a complete lack of care and respect for me and my feelings.

I think if you can't resolve this by discussing the issue openly at an early stage and your feelings are being listened to and appropraitely acted upon - it will not be resolved. Get out ASAP or prepare to be miserable until you do.

@Staryflight445

So since sex doesn’t mean anything to some of you, you’d be happy for your partner to have sex with someone else then? You know, cause it doesn’t mean anything?

This one is complicated. I am male but I always saw sex as something that was part of, if not love, caring emotionally about the person. To my best friend's great derision I was offered sex at 16/17 by a girl of the same age and I said no. I just thought this isn't what I want, we'd dated once and She wasn't for me. I guess I'm really not a typical male at all. But maybe not as untypical as people might think?

DW has said (in anger I think) that I should use prostitutes if I wanted. Which I just couldn't do. But she would be devastated if I developed an emotional connection with another women even without there being any sexual element. It is due (in part) to my drunken kiss with someone else 8 years ago that our sex life has dwindled away. I don't blame her at all for that. It's why she may have the ick I worry she has for me.

I take from this thread that sex really does mean different things to different people. There are no statements that apply to ' all men' or 'all women'. Some people who have a high sex drive may be entirely happy with it just being a physical act. Others with a high drive may also vary much want it to be an emotional and loving experience.

It is so sad to read these accounts of people not being able have the conversations needed to gain understanding and find a way forward (together or apart) and equally sad to read of the hurt that for some of us a loss of sex causes.

@CupOfNiceTea

Wouldn’t bother me at all.

Never understood what the fuss was about.

Love is what matters, not sex.
Sex is shallow.

Sex may be shallow for some, not for me. Sex is part of an emotional connection, for me. And apart from anything else, I enjoy sex and wouldn’t want to live without it.

@Sunnytwobridges

I would be ok with this as sex is just a physical act to me. I don’t bond or feel closer to someone because of/during sex. I bond more from being affectionate, sharing experiences, communicating. I usually do it because most men want to- I have never met a man that hasn’t and wonder about where all these men are that aren’t interested as I never can find one.

I’m so glad to read someone else saying this! I never understood what people meant with ”connection” or ”glue” when talking about sex. Or that it made them feel good looking or wanted…

And I’d also like to know where more chillaxed men are.

This is really interesting. I'm 39, my husband is 45. Been together 20 years. Have two young children, one who does not sleep and comes into our bed every night. We haven't had sex in 4 years. I've never told anyone that - even my best friend thinks it's only a year. The thing is, my husband and I talk about it a lot. We are very close and the subject does come up, like 'when ARE we going to have sex again?' and then we both kind of shrug and agree it'll probably happen again at some point. The thing is, we're both ok with it, and it's not an elephant in the room. In fact, sometimes after an exhausting day running around after the kids we collapse into bed and one of us will joke 'shall we make love?' and we'll just laugh and laugh because that is literally the last thing either of us fancy. We certainly acknowledge that it's a bit odd, but I guess because we still cuddle up and hold hands etc we don't worry too much. We're definitely happy, just both have low sex drives I guess.

But OP, if one of us wasn't happy, then things would certainly have to change. If you're not happy, you must speak to your husband. It's not good for it to go unspoken for so long xxx

@TheLazyBeagle

Yeah, that’s cool.

Personally, I couldn’t be with someone who wanted sex from me.
I’d always be thinking that they must hate me.
They just wouldn’t be asking that from me if they cared at all.

[quote CupOfNiceTea]@TheLazyBeagle

Yeah, that’s cool.

Personally, I couldn’t be with someone who wanted sex from me.
I’d always be thinking that they must hate me.
They just wouldn’t be asking that from me if they cared at all.[/quote]
And that’s absolutely fine, if you’re both on the same page.

It matters a lot. It’s quite impossible to explain the feeling of closeness or connection unless you’ve experienced it. But maybe you don’t miss what you never had?