How much DOES sex actually matter in a LTR?

[Tailsandsnails]

Does it matter and would you really end things if there were no sex but children involved?
My husband and I do not have sex, it’s now been 6 years - nearly 7 - it is unlikely to change.
But with three children how much does this matter?
Would you really leave in these circumstances?

[quote CupOfNiceTea]@TheLazyBeagle

You didn’t have to say anything at all.
There’s nothing wrong or unusual with not wanting/liking sex.
I didn’t take anyone’s comment and made a personal comment on it.

All I did was answer op, would have liked to be left in peace.
It wasn’t an invitation to be rude.

No need to keep saying I’m offended, since I’m not.
I really don’t care how much you may love sex.[/quote]
I wasn’t rude, not once. I was responding on a public forum, in a polite and respectful manner.
I will leave it there.

@Notsuchaniceguy. I don’t have any magic solution because I am like your wife and in my case it started with finding out about an inappropriate secretive attraction to someone else— he wrote stuff about it which I found— I then became hyper vigilant and found about his very secretive daily porn habit— to this day he doesn’t know that I know about this. Unfortunately you mentioned you think your wife may have the ick that started after something inappropriate on your part— sadly I don’t think heads and hearts are always logical and something kind of ‘switches off’ for some women even if it was a 1 off or in my case something others wouldn’t care about like constant open use. My own feeling is it’s better to bring things to a head in your case at your counselling— I’m wondering if for her that she is never going to feel quite the same but really really doesn’t want to lose some kind of a relationship with you— I did wonder if the subject of separating but remaining really good friends had been broached—

@TheLazyBeagle

I wasn’t rude, not once. I was responding on a public forum, in a polite and respectful manner.

Let’s agree to disagree.

I couldn't go without it. Fortunately, my wife also wants it.

@Crikeyalmighty we will discuss at counselling. In fact we spoke about it earlier this evening during a long phone call. There may be hope, DW is asking me to believe that it is not a physical revulsion towards me but her own anxieties and body image and something she thought I had to do to overcome my distaste for her which absolutely wasn't the case and had not occurred to me she could ever take that way. As we have allowed it to go unspoken for so long she said it is hard to restart- which I absolutely agree with. It did highlight the terrible danger of assumptions we make about things that we don't discuss. Comes from our parents who left us both with piss poor self esteem, lack of trust and attachment styles that don't help us feel safe. I'm struggling to accept DW is being honest when she says it isn't revulsion towards me. "but it must be because I'm horrible and ugly and weird as my mum told me I was. And people lie and will say one thing and mean another just like my dad". Need to work on that trust and self belief

If we can't save the marriage I don't think we could separate and remain close friends if either of us found someone else. Because I think there is something there still between us that means we haven't quite yet friend zoned.

In summary, if it is possible, talk to your partner. It is very hard to do it, i am exhausted each day with really challenging conversations right now (about sex and all the rest of the problems) but also becoming more hopeful because of them.

@BlondeDogLady

For us it is very important and reconnects us we both have high sex drives (always have had) so for us we cannot see us not having sex for more than a day or so ever I am 57 Mrs F 62 together 13 years it just gets better

This made me well up, I am SO jealous.

Thank you I feel so lucky that I have finally found the one - some bumps along the way My first marriage was almost sexless and took me way too long to realise it would never change it was hard to leave, friends still today A few shortish relationships where i realised that woman (some at least) enjoy sex as much as I do, I also thought I must be a shit lover etc so meeting a few single woman was great for me in every way Then I met my current wife, she had also been in a long relationship in almost identical situation sex wise and left 2 years before we got together We do truly appreciate each other and feel so lucky to have found such happiness eventually We were able to retire in19 so have had lots of time together I say to anyone in a similar situation it can be changed and there is life and great sex ! You have to decide not to settle I had got to the point of depression, antidepressants self medication I knew I had to change It was hard but for my sanity I had to

If you are both happy,dont worry about it.its perfectly possible to have a loving,close relationship without sex.Sex is a purely physical urge and has absolutely nothing to do with love.most couples have sex and most couples split up/divorce.if the physical urge is not satified,people get tense and aggressive.its like you have an itch and it needs to be scratched.thats all,everything else is purely in your mind and not reality.

I have a friend who recently confided this. His wife stopped sex 17 years ago but he did not want to break up the family abs couldn’t bear not to be without his children. He said that at first he felt hurt/rejected/angry/frustrated but just came to be used to living without sex. He Mersin with e recently that he was attracted to abs would have like to have a relationship with but he just couldn’t have sex now after so long without, even after numerous attempts, so she did not want to pursue the relationship. He is immensely sad.

@BlondeDogLady

At the end of day sex doesn’t mean anything

To you maybe! But to many people it means an awful lot. I miss it so much, I often cry about it.

The person with the non existent sex drive always "wins". The person who wants sex and mentions it, is always viewed as a pest or some such. FFS, it's in the wedding vows. I'm often so angry about being forced to be celibate, that I feel as though I could punch a wall. It's no fun whatsoever. It's like I'm being punished for something. What? Wanting sex with my husband. Jeez, I'm such a bitch!

And who is the winner if the person who doesn't want sex has it for the sake of the other?

@itsacovidxmasone this is a reasonable point. I wouldn't find any satisfaction or pleasure in sex with DW if she said I'm just doing it to please you. I'd feel like an abuser.

But would I stay in the marriage? Such a hard question. MN and modern life tends to go with 'you deserve happiness' which can at times ignore the unhappiness of the other, although I do take the point that a relationship where one is unhappy is often unhappy for both.

And who is the winner if the person who doesn't want sex has it for the sake of the other?

Neither and if you're at that point, then it's time to go your seperate ways

I enjoy sex tremendously and always have. My long-time (over six decades already) partner also enjoys it and tells me so.

I would miss it if we stopped. It is true we make love less frequently these days; perhaps the frequency will dwindle to nothing eventually. Perhaps. Eventually, too, it has to be faced, one of us will die. But meanwhile we continue. Why not? Switch off the telephones once a week, make time to give one another pleasure and take pleasure in doing so; how difficult (almost said 'hard', whoops Matron!) is that? Or, indeed (writing this comment has its effect, even), the occasional surprise ambush? -- Certainly simpler now the children are long-gone.

There are many other pleasures in life, it is true. But why forego this particular one, particularly in the light of its essentially mutual nature and how that helps bond us together? It is also free , like all the best things in life, as well as healthy and relaxing.

Sex is maybe not essential to a long-term relationship; it sure helps it along, though. Keep working at it, is my advice to you youngsters. Keep practising: we all know what practice makes, after all.

And who is the winner if the person who doesn't want sex has it for the sake of the other?

Both. When you do stuff for your spouse, you both win.

[quote NeptuneNetty]@BlondeDogLady I commented on one of your posts earlier about potentially finding desire elsewhere at some point in future, due to constant sexual rejection by my husband of many years.

Well I just finished a work call with someone who advises my company on deals. We just spoke for the first time in a month and he added into the conversation that he’s just split with his wife and he’s just completed on a new pad for just himself. We’re supposed to be meeting for lunch towards to the end of next month to celebrate the end of a particular deal. And now I’m thinking I need to lose 7kg and do a body scrub and get my hair done 😂

This is what happens when one partner is neglected or rejected!! Eventually there will be desire elsewhere.

I’ve kind of freaked myself out. I’m teetering on the edge of “hmmm interesting” to “oh fuck, this isn’t a door I should open”.

I’ll likely do nothing untoward, but I do find this guy attractive. He’s very clever, has lovely twinkly eyes and I just like how in charge he is 🙈 I’m on the client side. I could stop engaging, but I’m not sure I want to. Anyway, it has disaster written all over it!! Thought I’d share, as the timing is uncanny.

I need a g&t now to process this.[/quote]
Even if you don't do anything (and I'm pretty sure you won't at this point), the ego boost will do you good, as will the getting ready, dressing up and looking good. And maybe even a little flirting. I hope your DH sees you as you leave and has a pang of worry. Let us know how it goes!

@IncompleteSenten

It matters as much as it matters to the people involved.

What matters is not the amount of sex (or any sex), it's is this what both people want

If so, it's fine.
If not, it's not.

^this in spades!

Lack of sex is usually a symptom of a bigger problem, so do not ignore it. I would definitely discuss it and possibly seek some couples counseling.

It's clearly been dead for a long time. If I didn't see the person in a sexual way I would end it and give you both the chance to have an authentic relationship elsewhere.

@Closetbeanmuncher

It's clearly been dead for a long time. If I didn't see the person in a sexual way I would end it and give you both the chance to have an authentic relationship elsewhere.

✅

Been married almost 40 years and very important to us, for us it’s part of a loving relationship, I think you need to talk, Some people are quite happy to continue a relationship without sex but you both have to be on the same page

Love is what matters, not sex
Sex is shallow

You can have both and when you do it's amazing.

Sex is shallow

Maybe that's where you've been going wrong

Love is what matters, not sex
Sex is shallow

*Utter shite!

'Sex is shallow'

Eh?

Some couples genuinely live happy sexless relationships. However they are few and far between. To the majority of people sexual intimacy matters. In most cases it's the difference between living with a partner and living with a roommate.
If you aren't sexually attracted to you partner anymore then he deserves to know. He also deserves the chance to find someone who is, as you deserve to find someone who you are attracted to if it matters to you.

Without sex I would go insane. It would be torture.
But at the same time I don’t want to be with anyone other than my DH and he is my best friend and I’d miss him so much if we split.
So maybe I’d just medicate my libido away if that’s possible.