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Original poster

How much DOES sex actually matter in a LTR?

178 replies

Tailsandsnails · 25/01/2022 07:08

Does it matter and would you really end things if there were no sex but children involved?
My husband and I do not have sex, it’s now been 6 years - nearly 7 - it is unlikely to change.
But with three children how much does this matter?
Would you really leave in these circumstances?

OP posts:
TheLazyBeagle · 25/01/2022 08:02

It matters to me. Without the sex we’d just feel like best friends living in the same house… which is fine, but not what I (or he) wants from a marriage.
You need to talk to him. If it doesn’t bother either of you then great.

PermanentTemporary · 25/01/2022 08:03

It's really individual. But it would matter to me, always (judging by my mum who is 87, it still matters to her).

SarahBellam · 25/01/2022 08:03

If both people are genuinely content then that’s fine. If only one person is happy with it then it can have devastating consequences for a marriage. I firmly believe it makes some people much more willing to have an affair, or to seek sex outside the relationship. Lack of sex also (for me anyway) weakens the bonds that get couples through the hard times, and decreases attachment. You’re then relying on the lifestyle, money, appearances, companionship, children etc. to hold everything else together.

Pushing30 · 25/01/2022 08:05

If one person wants it/misses it it matters a lot. I recently left a 4 1/2 year relationship because we didn't have sex for a year and a half. I tried to place less importance on sex, thinking it's just a physical act. However, it impacted the rest our relationship. Gradually we became less and less affectionate, and our relationship lacked closeness/connection. Although very hard, breaking up was for me absolutely the right call.

saltandpepper234 · 25/01/2022 08:06

There’s no one size fits all answer. It matters if it matters to you that you aren’t having it.

FWIW I think it does get less important and certainly our sex life is nothing like it was when we were 19 (now nearly 30). I reminded DP the other day how often we used to have phone sex before we lived together!

We find our sex drives don’t match up very often or something gets in the way or we’re too tired/busy/full so we don’t dtd more than once or twice a month. However we have found other ways to maintain the intimacy in our relationship…but I wouldn’t want to never have it ever again!

CandyMan89 · 25/01/2022 08:08

It clearly doesn't matter to you & your DH because you wouldn't have got to 7 years without it otherwise? I think that's the important thing.

For me, sex & touch is a very important part of our marriage and I see our marriage like a puzzle, if sex wasn't no longer happening or even if we fell out of love with one another- one or two of the pieces would be missing.

gannett · 25/01/2022 08:12

@Tailsandsnails

We fell into it and we don’t discuss it.
Not discussing it is the thing that's even more damaging.

It's normal for any couple's sex life to ebb and flow but if you can't communicate honestly with each other about why, then your partner will gradually feel more disconnected, rejected and hurt.

You can't just shrug "well, I don't see you in that way any more" without at least a decent conversation about it. You can't just assume your partner is OK with a dying or dead sex life, just because you are. Of course, that conversation may result in you needing to face up to the fact that if you don't see your partner in that way any more, that could mean the end of the relationship. Which is the logical endpoint of not seeing someone in that way any more.

Bagelsandbrie · 25/01/2022 08:18

Doesn’t matter at all to me. Dh and I are done having children, we’re getting older and both have health issues and are exhausted most of the time. We’ve been together 15 years and still have the odd “moment” but I suspect it will just stop altogether as we get older. We still have a great relationship and are very close emotionally. When I was younger I could never imagine feeling that way but now mid 40s, menopausal and with health issues I just can’t be bothered anymore. Thankfully dh feels the same. I think as long as both people feel the same it really doesn’t matter what anyone else does / thinks. I think it’s a lot more common than people realise.

Kbyodjs · 25/01/2022 08:21

Yes I would leave as (I’m not proud to say this) but If DH and I weren’t having sex I’d end up wanting to find it somewhere else and I wouldn’t want to cheat so it’d be better to accept that the relationship isn’t meeting my needs.
We have 3 DC and it doesn’t happen as much as we both want which we both accept but never is different

Leonthelobster · 25/01/2022 08:23

I feel like it matters to me but I cannot imagine ever having sex with DH again. I just don’t see him in that way anymore

That’s the only thing that matters here not what other people think about sex or lack of it in their relationships. If both part of a couple are content without sex then it doesn’t matter one bit but if one half of a couple feel it matters to them then that shouldn’t be ignored as it leads to resentment and unhappiness and disharmony.

SunflowerTed · 25/01/2022 08:25

If you’re not discussing it it agrees you have communication issues in your marriage

Citygirl2019 · 25/01/2022 08:26

@Tailsandsnails this was me with my ex h. We stopped having sex after our second child. There was no discussion, it just happened naturally. I believe we still loved each other, but we had lost that bond.

The reason we split wasn't due to the no sex, he started gambling and then came the lies. I do wonder if our relationship had been different if it would of happened.

I am now in a healthy relationship with a very loving partner. We have sex and it's been amazing to have that physical relationship again. At the time with my ex I didn't think it was a problem, now I can see that it was.

rainbowandglitter · 25/01/2022 08:26

It's very important to us. We've been together 7 years and the sex still gets better all the time.
You say you can't imagine having sex with your dh, it sounds like you don't fancy him. Are you really happy to go the rest of your life (when you're only in yours 30s) with someone you don't fancy and aren't attracted to? That's really sad.

Notsuchaniceguy · 25/01/2022 08:27

If DW and I get back together (we are living apart in the same house) then a return to a previously absent sex life for me would be important and mean we had rebuilt a relationship as opposed to being housemates who slept in the same bed and hugged now and again.

I am very worried that DW says she wants this too but really would be willing to 'endure' sex to keep the friendship/marriage. That feels so different from anything else couples go along with to please the other person (letting him have his train set in the loft or her cat in the bed or whatever). I, despite being male, have never thought sex without emotional connection and desire for the other to be something I ever wanted to do. If someone puts up with unwanted sex then the other person feels close to or is being an abuser in my mind.

It is something for us to work on in Relate sessions for sure as loss of sex led to loss of intimacy (cuddles, handholding) through beliefs that we had become repellant to each other. As I say above I am not sure DW isn't truly repelled by me. She says not but I know in her past she was in relationships where this was the case and she disassociated from the act itself.

Metallicalover · 25/01/2022 08:31

Been with my husband for nearly 20 years and it's still very important to us. Had a dry spell over Christmas, covid, infections etc
We had the discussion, how it had been a long time for us and that it felt weird that we hadn't and didn't like that.

When you say that you haven't discussed it that's a bigger red flag to me that you aren't having discussions about aspects of your relationship.

ChinstrapBobblehat · 25/01/2022 08:33

Not discussing it is the thing that's even more damaging.

This. You can’t just assume you’re both ok with it when you don’t even talk about it and presumably have no idea how your DH feels one way or the other. The sex in itself isn’t the issue - for lots of people no sex would be a deal breaker, for others it’d be irrelevant - but the lack of communication and intimacy suggests a significant issue at the core of your relationship. Are either of you actually happy?

jellybe · 25/01/2022 08:35

If it matters to you you need to to talk to him about it. Though I think you saying you can't imagine ever having sex with your DH again as you don't see him that way speaks to a deeper problem. I believe part of a relationship is the connection you have through sex. Otherwise you are just house mates who share kids.

Why do you feel you couldn't have sex with him (that's fine to feel that way but is it fair to stay in a marriage like this for either of you?)

LowlyTheWorm · 25/01/2022 08:43

A good relationship can be seen as a triangle- intimacy, passion and companionship as the three sides. Intimacy can be sexual but has to be an exclusive closeness you wouldn’t have elsewhere. So an affair is not a good relationship as it lacks real intimacy but may have passion and not much else. But a stale marriage might have intimacy and companionship if you still share secrets and have that closeness and exclusivity. Ideally you’d get passion back- but 2/3 can be a decent relationship I guess…
In your shoes @Tailsandsnails I’d have to sit down and say “I think we need to talk about our sex life, how do you feel?” Maybe in the dark so you can be really open and honest? If you’re both happy living without sex and have some degree of intimacy then fair enough- but if it is companionship and not much else, is it really a marriage?

Pky45 · 25/01/2022 08:43

@Tailsandsnails

I feel like it matters to me but I cannot imagine ever having sex with DH again. I just don’t see him in that way anymore.
I think this is more of an issue, your outlook in your relationship has changed, sex is probably just a symptom of a larger issue
GreenFingeredNell15 · 25/01/2022 08:44

If it matters to you enough, OP, then eventually you will find ways to have sex - affair, FWB, ending the marriage abd moving on etc etc

What would your partner say if you asked for an open relationship?

MagdaTrudy · 25/01/2022 08:48

@Tailsandsnails

I feel like it matters to me but I cannot imagine ever having sex with DH again. I just don’t see him in that way anymore.
You'd live like this for the rest of your life because of children?
Luredbyapomegranate · 25/01/2022 08:52

It matters to me, I think it’s pretty central to maintaining a relationship, so if I hadn’t had sex with my partner for a while I’d take that as a sign something is wrong - either there’s something unresolved going on, or we’re neglecting the relationship. It’s also one of the great joys oh life…

Can you discuss it with your husband, and see how he feels about getting it going again? Is it possible you can get those feelings back?

PasstheBucket89 · 25/01/2022 08:52

was just about to say, if you were really old I would say it's probably just one of those things but you are still quite young, definitely would bother me.

BlondeDogLady · 25/01/2022 09:03

Following with interest. I'm 52 and DH is 49. We had sex 8 times last year, all instigated by me. We haven't had sex since November. He finds any excuse not to do it. Had a huge blow out last night, as we were in bed early, so I tried, but he was too tired. I ended up crying with frustration. I've no idea where we go from here. I don't want sex with anyone else. Everything else in our relationship is almost perfect. He just has no sex drive. I'm getting resentful and angry, more so as each day passes. He always has an excuse. Previously, it was that we drank too much. Now we've reduced that dramatically, the excuse is that he's tired because he's on a course. Next week, it will be because he's starting a new job. He may as well say it's because there's a Y in the day of the week. He's handsome and other women fancy him. I feel like saying "if only you knew".

AnEpisodeOfEastenders · 25/01/2022 09:08

If there's no sex then really there's no relationship, it's just a marriage of convenience for financial and practical reasons. Once the children leave there's nothing else there and you'll have some tough decisions to make. You're not even at the halfway point in life.