Dating Thread 224: Keeping it casual or searching for The One

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

I'll cut and paste the rules in a minute

Yeah @SortingItOut that's just it, he wouldn't reassure me at all that he'd had a nice time while we were away, kept caveating it, and it felt so hurtful I just sort of spiralled. When I know it could have been an insecurity reaction from him. He was upset and saying he felt stupid for putting me through it etc. I did try and reassure him a little bit but not as much as I was also in my own little spiral of feeling rejected.

He has said that the sadness etc is linked to having to move house - and it's only temporary, the house is on the market and getting loads of viewings but he just needed somewhere close to work and short notice. So even that's not stable. He wants to buy a place and is almost there with a deposit so is hoping to save it while he lives there, but it's quite precarious.

I don't know him well enough to say the sadness / slight depression is just due to that. He's had a lot of trauma in his life (he nursed his dying brother with cancer for five years and also his mum died when he was just 21, his dad is a cold, manic depressive shit who left them when he was a baby) and has had little tearful sessions a few times about it - nothing overly dramatic but it does ring alarm bells for me as it's early to do that and I have a history of caretaking.

I have found myself getting a bit annoyed when he gets upset which is not like me at all, but I've felt almost 'pulled into' his grief and like he's looking to be sad. I've had a similar amount of trauma so I thought we could understand eachother but I think I take a much less sad approach to it.

But as you say, these are real things - not generally negativity. He's overall very calm, positive about people, has lots of friends, creative, great career etc so not quite sure what to make of it.

I wish I could rewind to before xmas as we were having a lovely time!

[quote SortingItOut]@Badbaddog His business partner has a wife and 2 kids and still doesn't plan in holidays except 2 weeks at christmas.[/quote]
I think it’s a cultural thing in that trade, difficult habit to break but not impossible surely. The other thing is they often get days off where they can’t work because of weather/supply problems, but of course you’re working so can’t be flexible at a moment’s notice. Tricky

@StartingAgain33 I think xmas (and special occasions) can reignite grief. You've got everyone playing happy families and getting along and for those who have lost loved ones it's hard not to reflect on that so I'm not surprised he is upset at this time of year.

Its good you can recognise potential caretaking, I am a rescuer/florence nightingale so am mindful of that with Mr K although he has his life pretty much together and doesn't 'need' me in the sense of being looked after which feels weird but I'm getting used to it.

Could you rewind and ignore xmas and those events and see how things feel for a few weeks and make a decision then unless you're 100% sure now?

@SortingItOut yes you're very right about xmas. I think we were both in a strange, sentimental place as we've both lost lots of people over the last few years. I think he was also trying to rescue me a bit as he knew I'd be lonely over the period, although I didn't need it.

I think I am now leaning on the side of wanting to start again a bit with him again, but I think after the doubts I expressed it's unlikely he'll want to :( I've got a spa weekend this week and I've asked if we can talk next week as I think I'll be in a much better place then.

I think my anxiety was also spurred by coming off some adhd drugs which were basically speed. I took them for a week and they were making me high and incredibly anxious, and then came off and this happened. I've hardly eaten with feeling so awful. So I think it was influenced by that, and I don't think he really gets that.

I am worried that leaving it a week will just solidify his decision that it's over, but I also don't want to be an anxious wreck on the phone or make a rash decision without thinking things over.

@StartingAgain33, you mentioned earlier on the thread that you feel like you might be losing your last chance at 37 to meet someone with whom you can have a baby. Could this be colouring your view of things with your iron? Are you more worried about losing what this relationship potentially represents or genuinely him as a person? Things shouldn’t feel like hard work. Not everyone has got their act together or a perfect lifestyle but if you don’t connect as two people and you’re trying to excuse, decipher or prompt his actions then it may be that’s it’s not going to work. I try to work to the rule of thumb that the good outweighs the bad, that you share roughly the same aim or expectations for the relationship and that you treat each other as a priority and with respect. That seems the minimum to me. You deserve the best- particularly if you are hoping that your relationship may result in children.

Lovely to see the positive dating updates, especially @Bangheadhere40 who is overdue a good’un 😉 let’s hope he doesn’t spoil things by asking you for £1 to pay your share of the chips 😅

@StartingAgain33 I think if you stay together he will need to explore his rescuer tendency, i know you would have been alone at xmas and thats not ideal for some people but if you were happy with it then you didn't need rescuing.
Some people can't bare the thought of others being alone at xmas (i remember the discussion on the thread at the time)

It sounds like a culmination of things including mercury retrograde 😉 came together to cause all this.

A spa weekend sounds great.

Thanks step 😄 he paid for the meal and no contributions were asked for.

And thanks butterfly xxx

asking you for £1 to pay your share of the chips

Did someone do that 🙈
Yes they did , my lord

Very happy
your farmer babbadog

This made me laugh
www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/relationships/nobody-on-tinder-into-getting-shitfaced-and-eating-crisps-in-front-of-telly-20180716175093?utm_term=Autofeed&utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook&fbclid=IwAR1e5aSyMNb-D29WmYjnEtAem9lSto8LNpvTql-rNcm7KaJd_lYRL4zQYtg#Echobox=1643126644

If anyone on here is a genuine lone parent, and not near family - how do you manage to date?

I've posted on a local forum to try to find a babysitter. Minimum seems to be around £10/hour plus expenses. So a 4-5 hour date is £50 before anything like drinks, taxi. How is that feasible.

I think my best opportunity might be coffee dates mid-day. At I work from home and so that's do-able, to some extent. Locally at least.

Well, I'm not a lone parent, or even a parent, but of course baby sitting is £10ph, that seems cheap to me. Sorry.

@TinyTroubleMaker I’m not a lone parent as my ex has the kids half the week, but I’ve heard about people having arrangements with friends where they do babysitting in return. If not daytime coffee dates sounds like a good bet 😊

TinyTroubleMaker

I have a teenager for £7 an hour and a 21 year old for £10 per hour

Or a daytime walk when kids at school

I used to fund and financially support my ex
So it’s the price I have to pay as a single mum I guess

@Thisisworsethananticpated so it’s not just me that opens a dating app to find it full of guys busy climbing mountains, travelling the world or doing long distance swimming Makes me wonder how they have any time left to date! It’s all a bit intimidating.

@TinyTroubleMaker date zero and then first dates were always daytime ones for me.

Second / third date with someone you're keen on, could be worth paying for the babysitter.

Otherwise consider friendly swaps with trusted friends and other parents.

Someone once suggested I drive to meet them once both our DC were in bed asleep so that we could have sex in a lay-by. Until then I'd thought they were a nice bloke ...

I just avoid those ones
You know it’s more often or not swagger
I’ve got a hard filter these days !!!

I’m a single parent. I work part-time so what I tend to do is arrange initial dates during the day when I’m off work and the kids are at school. If I find any sort of relationship (ha!) I will invest in a baby sitter.

@Bangheadhere40 I have a warm feeling in the heart reading your update 😆 I know its early days but I am VERY happy for you!! What are you going to do on Saturday? What you going to wear?? 😀

@StartingAgain33 sorry you’ve been going through a rough time. It does all sound pretty heavy going.. is this the guy who had problems with the landlady? It does all sound like an awful lot of drama in a short space of time. Which might not be fault of his own but I do think you have to think about yourself first sometimes and does it all feel healthy? Poor you being on those meds that must have made your head spin as well.

@Stepcount absolutely love your 3-point rule of thumb there which I’ve screen shotted for myself 💗

This one resonated with me, despite my use of the apps 🤣

@Thisisworsethananticpated a man who likes a relaxed walk followed by a stop in a cafe or pub is much more appealing to me My life wrangling small children is enough of an endurance sport already!

Is there a period of time/amount of dates when a relaxed chat about exclusivity and where you are at is ok? A search of the rest of mn reveals that most seem to think 3 months is a good time... well, maybe it's just me but I don't want to be investing time and emotion in someone for that long only to find they have been multi dating the whole time

I am feeling like I want to ask MrMind about where he is at, lay down my cards that I'd like to see where it goes with him alone, but is it too soon?

Checking into the thread - a slightly sad update from me is that I think MrM and I will be closing things out later today... the classic 3 month mark strikes again!

Things had been going well although we started some talks at the weekend that we just couldn't really climb down from in terms of emotional availability and what we want longer term. I'm very sad about it all but have to hand it to him that he's been transparent from the start that he wasn't sure he was emotionally ready to have a committed relationship. His lifestyle and the way he's arranged his life in general leaves very little room for a partner and from discussions this is almost a deliberate strategy to avoid the need for intimacy in a romantic partner. We've had a couple of long talks and he's suggested speaking tonight - I think this will be the one where we agree that it'll be for the best that we stop seeing each other.

I'm so sad about it but also feeling quite positive in terms of the way it's all being handled - the enormous difference it makes when you have two people who are able to communicate like adults even when the subject matter is painful. We have such a good time together but the push-pull that results from his hesitation is not good for me and I can now see that the anxiety I have been going through is in large part because I did sense that in him. I mentioned that there is a clear pattern in communication - in the week leading up to contact it's full on, flirty and good fun - then we see each other and have an amazing time, and then for a few days after coming back he pulls back. He never ignores and always responds but there is that pulling back, and he admitted over the weekend it's because he does feel hesitant about giving the impression that there's something progressing towards a serious commitment.

We'll see how the chat goes later - this is all feeling Very Grown Up, but I am still very sad. He's a great guy and we have had so much fun.

@30somethingandstillsingle I think the exclusivity bit can come before the 'what are we' especially if you are sexually active, most people don't want to be having sex with someone who is having sex with others.

I can post up my advice about how I see it if its helpful (I've posted it before so don't want to keep dropping it in unless required)