Dating Thread 224: Keeping it casual or searching for The One

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

I'll cut and paste the rules in a minute

@BelladiMamma i have to admit that I agree with @Badbaddog! Have you been in an ENM relationship before, or is this a new thing that you are trying out?

And then they'll say what happened and I have to explain he couldn't put his dog through the emotional turmoil

Everyone has been messed around my dear
That said I bloody love this thread as we are all in it together

It’s very annoying to be wrong about people
That’s what pisses me off the most actually

BelladiMamma

I’m a very jealous person
Very very , and funnily enough I’ve never gone for the cheats (just the angry ones !)

I try to manage by

• being upfront that I’m a bit jealous and that whilst I know it’s not healthy , it’s how I am
• avoiding jealously inducing conversations

Don’t want to know abiut their past other than basics

The more I like someone the more jealous I am

@gelatodipistacchio that's the challenge with poly / ENM. You accept and embrace the philosophy around it and then you're still human and have to deal with all the usual emotions.

I have to say I don't feel in the least bit jealous this morning, I just hate it when it sneaks up on you and convinces me to go live on a cave and never be with anyone else again 🤪

I was ENM pretty much throughout my 20's and now I'm looking to go back to it. I don't believe in Heteronormative relationships, it's the strangest most unnatural way to live, in my eyes.

MrD and I have embraced monogamy for a period and we are talking about how and when we open up the relationship. It helps that we are both on board, are very into each other and that we are both bisexual. So we understand where we are both coming from. I'm more into having emotional connections with others whereas he'd like us to try one off play dates with others. It's tricky to navigate but it's who we are and we love each other even more for sharing these same 'out of the ordinary' ways of approaching relationships and sexuality.

Im currently listening to a lot of Esther Perel and also have a whole library of books on poly which include chapters on jealousy (can you tell I love a deep dive?).

I'd be interested in learning from others about their jealousy triggers. Thank you @Thisisworsethananticpated I recognise all of that in myself too!

Not sure about the ‘lizard brain’ reference, something about how we’ve evolved, and jealousy being a primal thing, like fear? Aren't these primal reactions there to protect us from harm? So you experience jealousy because you sense danger? Is that something you should ‘work through’ or something you should pay close attention to?

I don’t regard myself as a jealous person - even less so now I’m old, as I give so few fucks about anything - but I have felt it on occasion. It’s always been a sign that I am feeling threatened and with good cause so I have to get more information, or a sign that I need to pull my finger out and change something that I’ve been pretending isn’t wrong. Usually both.

I have been dating MrMind for about a month now, so not long but we have been seeing each other 2/3 times a week.
That time has been spent doing activities as well as standard dates. Last week I also stayed at his. For those that don't know, he's a widower, and has not been with anyone since his wife died (well, that's what he says and I have to take his word for it).
Turns out he's not quite 'vanilla' in the bedroom dept, which is fine, was just a bit of a surprise!

A few weeks ago I brought up the conversation about multi dating just not being for me, but if it was for him then that's totally fine at this stage but I just like to know where we are. He agreed that multi dating wasn't on his agenda...all good.

A few days ago I mentioned to him that I was probably going to delete the apps while we see where we are going (especially since we are sleeping together) his response was "oh, you don't have to you know, but thanks for telling me" not quite the response that I had expected.

I think that he is keeping his options open but without being honest about it. I'm not really sure what to do. He did try and bring the conversation up on a video call last night but I closed it down. I don't think he was about to say he wants to come off either.

He appears VERY keen with his words but I think I need to take a step back. Maybe it's too soon? Though I'm not asking for anything other than exclusivity while we see how things go?

Sorry for your loss curmudgeon - cherish the memories.

Re jealousy, I have a tendency also to be jealous of someone's past, knowing they committed to someone in a way they're not committing to me. Never of their present, despite having been cheated on and left for another woman - bolt from the blue. So I totally get how you're feeling bella and I can see how ENM may seem like a way of not investing too much in one person and spreading the risk of hurt more thinly, so protecting yourself more?

30something I would personally not be comfortable with someone I had spent that much time with still actively looking elsewhere. Just as if I really liked someone (and I would not go on that many dates with someone I didn't really like) I would want to focus on that and where it might go. But I'm very much a 'one man at a time' kind of gal and looking for commitment and exclusivity. Maybe you should have the conversation with him, even if it doesn't end up as you want - maybe certainty is better than limbo?

@30somethingandstillsingle

I have been dating MrMind for about a month now, so not long but we have been seeing each other 2/3 times a week. That time has been spent doing activities as well as standard dates. Last week I also stayed at his. For those that don't know, he's a widower, and has not been with anyone since his wife died (well, that's what he says and I have to take his word for it). Turns out he's not quite 'vanilla' in the bedroom dept, which is fine, was just a bit of a surprise!

A few weeks ago I brought up the conversation about multi dating just not being for me, but if it was for him then that's totally fine at this stage but I just like to know where we are. He agreed that multi dating wasn't on his agenda...all good.

A few days ago I mentioned to him that I was probably going to delete the apps while we see where we are going (especially since we are sleeping together) his response was "oh, you don't have to you know, but thanks for telling me" not quite the response that I had expected.

I think that he is keeping his options open but without being honest about it. I'm not really sure what to do. He did try and bring the conversation up on a video call last night but I closed it down. I don't think he was about to say he wants to come off either.

He appears VERY keen with his words but I think I need to take a step back. Maybe it's too soon? Though I'm not asking for anything other than exclusivity while we see how things go?

I think you should face this head on and talk to him about it. If he's avoiding the subject you could leave him a voice note?

Sorry to bang on about Esther perel, am fangirling a little, but she's great on those early conversations

banghead I have no words. Other than, what a cowardly dickhead 😪

@Badbaddog

Not sure about the ‘lizard brain’ reference, something about how we’ve evolved, and jealousy being a primal thing, like fear? Aren't these primal reactions there to protect us from harm? So you experience jealousy because you sense danger? Is that something you should ‘work through’ or something you should pay close attention to?

I don’t regard myself as a jealous person - even less so now I’m old, as I give so few fucks about anything - but I have felt it on occasion. It’s always been a sign that I am feeling threatened and with good cause so I have to get more information, or a sign that I need to pull my finger out and change something that I’ve been pretending isn’t wrong. Usually both.

Yes that's all valid.

I've been thinking about the bolt of jealousy I got last night and I am beginning to understand where it's from.

There's also a side of jealousy I'm quite interested in exploring from an erotic point of view.

All good and scary feelings which come along and make us think harder about who we are and why we respond in the way we do.

@WeWantTheFinestWines

30something I would personally not be comfortable with someone I had spent that much time with still actively looking elsewhere. Just as if I really liked someone (and I would not go on that many dates with someone I didn't really like) I would want to focus on that and where it might go. But I'm very much a 'one man at a time' kind of gal and looking for commitment and exclusivity. Maybe you should have the conversation with him, even if it doesn't end up as you want - maybe certainty is better than limbo?

Yes I think you are right. I'm just not sure how to bring it up. I should have had the conversation last night when he brought it up but instead I panicked as I wasn't expecting it and shut the conversation down 🙄

@WeWantTheFinestWines the ENM isn't a response to jealousy, but it's an interesting challenge to have in ENM!! I'm enjoying doing some thinking about who I am and what I want. I can be quite lazy in relationships and not do the work and I think this is why I allowed myself to stay in my marriage for so long. So I'm doing the work and it's going to be messy 🤪

I’m ok with my jealousy
It’s part of me
That said my ex was more jealous than me

Many people are jealous on some level
So don’t ‘shame’ yourself about it

Just try to manage it x

30somethingandstillsingle

I’d be very very direct
Are you dating other
Yes
No ?
Look him in eye and don’t flinch

Because as painful as the answer is , you don’t want to have months of pain over this
Life is too short
Fuck that x

@Thisisworsethananticpated

30somethingandstillsingle

I’d be very very direct
Are you dating other
Yes
No ?
Look him in eye and don’t flinch

Because as painful as the answer is , you don’t want to have months of pain over this
Life is too short
Fuck that x

What she said ^

[quote BelladiMamma]@Bangheadhere40 delete delete delete
Don't keep those messages. They're just bollocks from start to finish ... and block then delete him. Nothing to see here. Just no ... put it down to a quick fling with someone who showed their true colours before you got more involved ...

Unbelievably epic level of twuntishness[/quote]
love that noun *twuntishness’ am going to shoe-horn it into conversation somehow today!!!

@30somethingandstillsingle, I agree with others in that you need to find a way to address the exclusivity question. If it’s important to you to be on the same page then I’d start with saying that you aren’t seeing or chatting to anyone else, however if he is then you would rather know. Hopefully he will be honest although I think he’s clearly planted a seed of doubt in your mind.

@Thisisworsethananticpated

I’m ok with my jealousy It’s part of me That said my ex was more jealous than me

Many people are jealous on some level
So don’t ‘shame’ yourself about it

Just try to manage it x

Yes, shame is a huge component. Time to get rid of that!! Don't do shame these days I know I'm not a bad person and I don't need to beat myself up about anything

Yes it's fun thinking up insults 😂 @JangolinaPitt

@BelladiMamma i think jealousy is pretty normal and standard but at different levels. You probably want the ENM situation but only if Mr D is on exactly the same page as you and completely devoted. The fact that you were all in and ready to introduce your friends is a big thing so I can imagine you'd have been a tad annoyed at the fact that his last iron met his mum. All you need to know/keep in mind is that he really adores you and you are very important to him. Unless he gives you signals that he isn't, then you should try and bury those thoughts.

@30somethingandstillsingle I think you need to be blunt and ask him straight, unless the damage has already been done. We women, I feel, have a habit of thinking why look elsewhere when you have ME, but time and time again, this has been seen as not the case.

@curmudgeonly007 Sending hugs. Take gentle care of yourself!

@Bangheadhere40 What an utter twat monkey. I'm glad he saw himself out of the door. Better to find out now though and I'm glad your focusing on the ridiculousness of it.

@BelladiMamma Watching the jealous stuff with interest as it's something I'm having to address very much so right now. Especially as MrT was out with his exFWB last night and the post on FB about it hit me like a thunderbolt. I dealt with it by sitting with the feeling, recognising that it was coming from my ex who had zero boundaries and this would be a no brainer that they'd be doing other stuff.

Then calmly looked through the actual evidence MrT gave me plenty of notice it was happening, it was with other members of his friendship group, her brother was there, he has told me she is absolutely clear that he and I are moving towards a serious relationship etc. Also that if it turns out he IS taking the mick it will come out soon enough and I'm absolutely capable of dealing with that and moving on 🤪

He then messaged me when home and we had a bit of an exchange and a sweet goodnight message from him. Still had lingering stories trying to play out that he was messaging from her house but that's old stories unwinding.

Off to see him soon!

I find the way I best deal with jealousy is to FORCE myself to keep my cool. Don't let it show. Usually if its just me over lreacting to something the feeling fades in a short while and im grateful I held my tongue. But if its something that persists or keeps cropping up, shows me there’s a possible problem??

BelladiMamma

Jealous as an emotion has a bad rep
It’s alll redolent of the jealous violent man type behaviour , othello etc
My ex told me if I ever cheated on him he’s cut my legs off . Nice

But my son the other day was so cute , his BFF was playing with another child and he said he was jealous !
It’s a very normal emotion
Yeah it needs managing 100%
But we should not
Be ashamed

@30somethingandstillsingle it just occurred to me that perhaps your iron had already deleted his profile and simply didn't want to come across as controlling so left it up to you. Regardless, a straight chat would clarify.

Just en route back from seeinv Mr Music. It all went too soon so I'm feeling a bit all over myself and not relaxed. Just need to process things a bit in my head. All great anyway.

I just got a message saying he's sorry again, but he has to look out for his dog.

What's going on - I feel like I'm in some weird parallel dating universe. He said he could never sleep with a cat and would always be worried his dog was being put second best. FML.