Dating Thread 224: Keeping it casual or searching for The One

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

I'll cut and paste the rules in a minute

@TinyTroubleMaker I usually use humour. If you can find something funny to say about one of their pics it often sparks something.
I rarely saw any profiles I liked so never messaged too much 😂😂

@VanGoghsDog

Oh, how I'll feel about seeing him - not sure. I'll try to be grown up but I'm not very good at that. Of course, he could well have prior commitments that mean he can't go.

Hopefully it won’t be awkward if you see him. Maybe you’ll clear the air, it might be good x

@Thisisworsethananticpated

ButterflyOfShay I love a real life crush So much better in so many ways

100% @Thisisworsethananticpated! Makes life so much more interesting doesn’t it. When we were in the office 5 days a week (gosh remember those days) I usually had an inappropriate crush or two on the go. Now I’ve cultivated some on my lunchtime wfh walks. It’s the spice of life!! 😍

@WeWantTheFinestWines Thanks for the new thread.

@StartingAgain33 Sorry to hear about you and Mr Story, if you need support to get through just shout and we'll be right there.

@MayEye MrL sounds great. Introducing to your sisters is a good step. Every other weekend is fine if it works for you.

My update is that Mr K and are I still together (2+ years) but I've only seen him once a week since Xmas and its not enough to keep me interested. Right now I'm not bothered if I never see him again☹
The once a week thing has been a Friday for a few hours after work, then bedtime and a few hours the next morning - no relationship can live on about 6 hours a week.
Various reasons for not meeting on the other 2 nights we usually meet, I've had work meetings which can run as late as 10pm, if they finish earlier I would sometimes see him but he's been out with friends or too tired and taking his son to football practice which is now later than normal so he's not home until 8.30 (which is too late to meet when bedtime is 9.30 as I have to leave early to get home for my dogs).
Work will slightly improve this month in terms of meetings but day to day work is manic as my boss is off sick.

Even if I saw him an evening in the week its a similar number of hours as a Friday evening but only 30mins in the morning so maybe 4 - 6 hours.
Still not really enough to sustain us.

I'm not sure what the answer is,weekends are out as he has his son from Sat am to late Sunday and the other weeknights when I'm free he has his son so no chance of meeting then.
I keep thinking what if I'm a great holding place for now and when his son is a teenager and sees him less (if it happens) what if Mr K doesn't want to see me more as he's too busy embracing his new found freedom or he finds someone else to do things with and I've just been waiting around like a twit.

Disclaimer - the last paragraph could be hormone related😂

Since sticking to my criteria of only chatting to people within an hours distance, I have 2 on the go. Mr Red, I’m meeting him next week to see if we click. The other guy is all over the various apps which puts me off a bit, if things don’t work out with Mr Red I will arrange a meet with him. I have my profile on 2 apps which is more than enough at the moment.

I missed a whole thread! Much catching up to do! I am now officially in a relationship, so apps are gone, will see how this pans out but he is very kind, funny and we get on well, so it seems right.

@BelladiMamma How's your dog? 🤗

@SortingItOut it sounds like your schedules just don’t match :( It’d be easier if you could find someone who at least had part of a weekend free.

Checking in, need to catch up!

@TinyTroubleMaker I usually make a joke about their pictures or profile. I like humour so those who respond in kind tend to be my sorts.

@Dazedandconfused10 yay! Who is your iron again?

I'm back under a different username! Mid 50s female and I've had an almost 18 month break from dating but have spent the past week or so compiling my Bumble profile which went "live" last night. There seemed to be some decent profiles on there and I think I swiped right on 7 or 8. I've woken up to a couple of matches but I'm only going to go on the app in the evenings. Phase one of my dating life consisted of about 20 dates with a handful of second dates and one guy who strung me along for 6 weeks (for 3 of those we didn't meet up!) hoping for sex. Reader, he didn't get any! 😂 I'm hoping phase two goes better. I feel stronger. So far... Wish me luck!

SortingItOut
Tough one
It’s that quandry isn’t it ?
But ultimately there is one question which is ‘does this make you happy’

As humans we often hold into thing that are less than perfect as we are scared of totally losing it and then having nothing and being even unhappier x

@SortingItOut does he have his son every weekend? That seems a bit unfair.

@Stayingstrongish I love the fact he is a great dad and his son comes first all the time.
The schedule issue started a year ago when I got a new job and evening meetings sometimes fell on the nights we met ( Mr K encouraged me to apply knowing this) but we still saw each other at least twice a week sometimes three but every so often we get months with hardly any time to see each other.

This is also complicated by the fact that the nights we generally see each other are the only nights he has free in a week so he also needs to fit in hobbies and friends.

@Thisisworsethananticpated Right now I'm not happy with our relationship, I think part of my issue is that I don't need him, I am fully independent and have a busy life already so I wonder what he brings.
I mean the sex is great and he's an amazing cook (although I've not been to his for an evening since mid December) and he's very supportive of everything I do. We have really good conversation/banter and he's a really great guy, he just has very limited time.

I told him Friday night that we hadn't seen each other much in a month and it's not sustainable and all he said was 'these things happen' meaning work and life get in the way sometimes.

This week is no better but in February I have less meetings so hopefully we can meet more although that is dependent on his time as he will also need to fit in friends and hobbies.

I always feel like this when we don't see each other much and then things improve for a few months and then things crop up and it happens again.

We also don't do much when we do meet on weekdays, usually cooking and TV which I like as we can chat, sometimes we go out for a meal but most activities in winter are daytime and weekends which we can't do so we're stuck. Spring and summer are better but still restricted due to no weekends.
My weekends are sometimes busy but I would like very occasionally to have a whole day on a weekend with him but that's not going to happen for a long time and so quality time is restricted.

@Heartbeats0708 Yes he has his son every weekend and 3 evenings in the week.
He has done this since he split from his son's mum over 6 years ago.
His son adores him and would spend even more time with him if he could.
If he cant see his son on an evening for whatever reason then he would see him the next night instead, he doesn't like to miss seeing him.

Mr K does go on fishing trips twice a year which is usually Thurs - Sat or Weds - Sat and he would then see his son every day he can for a few weeks to make up for it.

@SortingItOut he sounds really lovely and it’s so attractive when a man is a good father, don’t you think? But if he never has any weekend free at all, I think I’d struggle with that too. I think relationships are about having fun and adventures together, it’s sad you never get to have that with him. Can really understand your frustration with it

Bangheadhere did you see MrFarmer??

@eesha thanks! I'm not sure I ever gave him a name! Mr WW will do!

@SortingItOut perhaps emotionally Mr K gets a lot of his needs from his son and then he also has his fishing friends. But he should also make time for you. I can see why you’re torn as he sounds great in so many ways.

@ButterflyOfShay He is a really great Dad and I wish all men stepped up like he does.
That is exactly it,no time for fun and adventures and there likely won't be for years to come.
I'm happy doing things on my own or with friends but sometimes I'd like to do things with him.
I know his son comes first, I would only be asking for one weekend day every 3 or 4 months.

Its further complicated because he is self employed and doesn't get paid for days not worked, I could take annual leave to get away mid week but if he does he loses money (which makes me feel guilty).

@Stayingstrongish I think Mr K likes having a girlfriend who is independent and doesn't put pressure on him to meet when he has his son and because of that he doesn't consider that my needs are not being met because this has always been the case and its never been an issue before.
He has had girlfriends in the past who demanded to see him at weekends and he felt torn, those relationships didn't last long.

We had a discussion about me being a priority (at least top 10 rather than top 50) in October when he cancelled coming to a party with me as his son moaned he hadnt seen him as he'd been fishing the previous weekend and hadn't seen him. I was ready to end it, Mr K knew this.
He said that if I asked for more time with him that included the odd Saturday it would be a No as his son comes first, I told him I didn't want regular Saturdays with him as I know his son comes first.
In the end it was left that I would never invite him to do stuff on a day/night he has his son ever again (it would have been twice a year maximum). This of course resolved nothing apart from me throwing my toys out of my pram😂

@SortingItOut to me one weekend day every 3 or 4 months is very little time! He has effectively said you need to fit around his needs - but how much effort and compromising is he putting into meeting yours? You matter too.

Its further complicated because he is self employed and doesn't get paid for days not worked, I could take annual leave to get away mid week but if he does he loses money (which makes me feel guilty).

He must factor in holiday days that are unpaid?

Yeah I agree with @Stayingstrongish that the odd Saturday every couple of months is really not a lot to ask for, especially as his son is old enough to understand the concept of 'ill see you tomorrow'- I think he's 10?
It won't be that long before his son will want time with friends and independence on weekends- personally I'd feel a bit resentful if then Mr K turned round like 'oh now I have time for you'. I understand the juggle of childcare and a relationship, especially if the two don't meet as I know you don't want to merge into that- but compromise is the key here. As I see it, you're doing all the compromising and he's saying like it or lump it.
Admirable that he's clearly an involved father, but I can't imagine many people that this situation would work for. Difficult though

@Stayingstrongish During our chat in October I suggested we go back to FWB as then there was no expectation from either side, he said he wouldn't agree to that and he didn't think we could go back.

Right now I'd like non-exclusive FWB but doubt he would agree.
Once I've seen him more than once a week I'll feel differently and will be happy with where we're at.
Hormones + not seeing each other = me feeling like whats the point.

I think I'll speak to my counsellor next week about it all, she knows that I self sabotage or have thoughts of self sabotage a lot and we usually discuss it and I come out feeling better.

I'm also disorganised attachment style so I always want the opposite of what I've currently got, right now I want more time with him but next month when we see each other more I'll probably feel overwhelmed and like I've not had much free time away from him. Similarly I want to be loved but as soon as he shows any kind of action that hints at that I want to run a mile🤦‍♀️
I'm a complicated soul.