Colleague emotional affair - just found out that I'm the 'other woman'

[Tripizie]

I just posted this in 'chat' but I think that's the wrong section so moving it to here.

Its hard to know where to start with this. I'm new to the site and really just need to vent and get it all out and I highly doubt he'll be reading Mumsnet, so hopefully I can do so anonymously.

3 years ago, I finished university and started a grad job as a big firm. I was 21, stressed, anxious and felt incredibly out of my depth.

My manager at the time was a 27 year old man who I quickly came to rely on. He was charismatic, charming and extremely supportive. Over the time that we worked together we got closer and he would message me all day everyday on Teams about banal topics. He would ring me and we'd spend all day chatting about life and our upbringing. He asked about me and made me feel special and I loved talking to him everyday.

He then over time started texting me every evening and all day at the weekend about topics nothing to do with work. It would be photos of th lunch he was eating, or the show he was watching, or the park he was at. But it was constant.

This has been going on for 2 years and we still talk all day every day. I really fell deeply for him and thought that he just like me too, to the extent that I turned down other men who've approached me because none matched up to him.

Anyway, cut to last night. He asked me for a drink with him and some of his friends. I went and his friends started asking about his girlfriend. They've been together for over 2 years and are about to buy a house together.

He has outright lied to me this whole time about her. He told me he spent Christmas alone but he was actually with her. He said he went on holiday with 'a friend' but it was with her. He told me he was buying a house for 'me and my cat' - aka no mention of the girlfriend.

I was and still am devestated. I'm angry I've wasted all this time on him and that he's lied to me. I feel awful for his poor girlfriend. I'm still trying to cut off my feelings for him and I've been ingnoring his messages this morning, but we still work together so it will be tricky.

Anyway I'm not sure what I wanted to get out of this but thank you for reading this far. I just needed to get it off my chest.

Not sure what advice to give you but it’s better you found on now than wasting even more time on him. You deserve so much better as does the mans girlfriend tbh.

That’s so horrible! What a hideous man. Luckily you found out before it turned physical. You’re good to block him, never speak to him about anything except work and move on with your life.

On no what an awful situation for you. Thank goodness you found out before it became a physical relationship. The only thing you can do now OP is pull right back and only engage with him in a professional environment and on work-related topics. And take some time for you.
I feel for you.

He's a snake.

I would reply to his text by saying 'Congratulations on the new girlfriend- it would be lovely to meet her sometime :) '

I bet he either takes a giant step back, or starts getting slippery and saying that it just got serious, or that she has some sort of control over him. Or, if he is really a shit and trying his luck, he'll say he wishes she was like you in some way.

Ignore most of his messages. When you do reply, include his girlfriend- ie- 'I had a great evening, thanks. What did you and girlfriend get up to?" Do this every time.
Ugh. Men like this.....

OP, you say you talk all day everyday and have done for the last 2 years. Have you actually been dating or sleeping together or having you just been carrying a torch for him all this time waiting for him? And if so, did you not think it strange he never asked you out?

I'm sorry either way, but it sounds like you have been nothing more than an ego boost for him. Does he know how you feel about him? I would just contact him and say in light of the news he has a girlfriend you should keep all communication strictly work related from now on as you wouldn't want her to get the wrong idea. Then stick to that and give yourself time to get over this rat.

I think you've been completely hood winked. He's a twat. I'd have nothing more to do with him.

I’m so sorry OP. This happened to me in the late 90s. It’s truly devastating and hard to believe someone could be so cold. Be kind to yourself. 💐

Well, at least his friends weren't in cahoots with him. They must have thought it was weird him bringing you to drinks or caught on that you were not the platonic work colleague he was introducing you as. Were they male or female (the ones who brought up his real-life girlfriend?)
Did he not squirm or was he completely blase or did he change the subject?

I suspect he liked the attention whilst technically staying faithfully. Lucky escape but I totally understand that you feel hoodwinked. I would casually mention that you hadn't realised he had a girlfriend and try and bring the texting/messaging on a work footing. If he is your manager he needs to be professional and if he strays into personal space you will have to tell him it's inappropriate and makes you feel uncomfortable. Consider HR as an option if he gets awkward or if things get very uncomfortable.

We haven't been on any dates, I've been an idiot. I really believed that he was waiting for us to start dating until he was no longer my manager, and then until we didn't work at the same company.

I now know I was naive and foolish and definitely just an ego boost to him. I think he must know how I feel about it, he's been very flirty at times and I've been pretty responsive to it.

It was a female friend of his and her boyfriend. And he was definitely squirming. He seemed really uncomfortable and kept trying to change the topic to move away from it.

There's still a part of me that wonders whether he was intentionally hiding her from me, or if he had just never felt it relevant to bring her up. But I know that the fact he outright lied on multiple occasions shows that he knew what he was doing.

You've been turning down men for 2 years on the offchance this guy might ask you out?

I really thought he was going to make a move at any time. He kept hinting and almost asking me out but never went the full way.

When I say we spoke all day, every day, we really did. We have over 2000 media images on WhatsApp alone, he'd tell me every day to message him when I got home to wherever I'd been so he knew I was safe. When I flew on a plane recently or get the train, he tells me to message him to let him know I've made it to the other side.

I'm an idiot, I know. Trust me when I say that nobody thinks I'm more of an idiot than I do, but equally, I know he was wrong for lying to me all this time.

I have a colleague who is really quite predatory. He knows exactly what he's doing. It never goes that far. I think he just likes hooking women. I don't think he actually does anything physical. He's always flirted with me and I almost fell for a it at one time but I knew I wasn't in the right place and pushed the thoughts away. I had learned not to ignore those little voices that tell you it's not quite right.

After knowing my colleague for at least 3 years, I met his partner one day who he lives with. Lovely woman. He had never ever mentioned her. If I asked after her, after I knew she existed, he would change the subject.

He's just weird. He gets off on having women 'available' to him I think. He abuses his position in particular with younger or vulnerable women. I keep out of his way now.

What a bastard! I bet he'll say, 'but we were just friends' if confronted, by if so, he should have told you he has a girlfriend. He just loved the ego boost he was getting from you. I'm sorry this happened to you OP..

You’re not an idiot. He has behaved awfully. You haven’t done anything wrong. He has. I’d make that clear to him personally but in a dignified way… if you’re really feeling pissed off do it in a ‘make him squirm way’ e.g in a group “yeah I was so suprised when I found out X had a girlfriend because not many women would be okay with their boyfriends sending so many texts to other women. Now I’ve found out personally I don’t think it’s appropriate but I’m just old fashioned like that” ….and walk away….

I don’t get what this bloke was actually getting out of this situation, unless he was going to try and eventually have you as a second girlfriend?

Time to move on and put this down to experience and keep work/life separate and be professional.

Definitely time to move on and not waste your time on this pathetic excuse of a man.

💐💐

I would have dropped him in it last night. "A girlfriend? You've never mentioned her before. Why did you spend Christmas on your own if you have a girlfriend?" etc. In front of them, too, so that they knew what he was like.

He led you on and enjoyed the attention. The fact his friends asked about his girlfriend when you were there indicates this is not the first time he has done this. Subtle clue to you that he was not as available as he made out.

Learn from it and move on. Archive him on WhatsApp (don't delete - they may come in handy one day).

OP, it's not that you're an idiot, it's him being an arse that's the problem.

In every workplace I've been in there have been men who used it as a sort of hunting ground for romantic distractions, often while in lt relationships. Arses, the lot of them.

How did he explain taking you out in the company of couples, how di he introduce you and what excuse did he give to his friends about where his girlfriend was?

He is either very brazen or very stupid. How has the gf not noticed that he's messaging you all the time?

A strange set up all round

Are you sure you’ve not read into this wrong op? He invited you out once in two years? If you’re the other woman surely he’d be trying to hide you from his friends…

What a snake! I'd be looking for a new job. Luckily not all men are like him.

He obviously knows that you now know because he kept trying to change the subject in the pub!

What was his response to that after his friends left?

I'm so sorry he was using you to boost his obviously massive ego.I feel for both you and his girlfriend;both of you deserve better.

Time to distance yourself from him OP and let him not a single more second of your time.