Colleague emotional affair - just found out that I'm the 'other woman'

[Tripizie]

I just posted this in 'chat' but I think that's the wrong section so moving it to here.

Its hard to know where to start with this. I'm new to the site and really just need to vent and get it all out and I highly doubt he'll be reading Mumsnet, so hopefully I can do so anonymously.

3 years ago, I finished university and started a grad job as a big firm. I was 21, stressed, anxious and felt incredibly out of my depth.

My manager at the time was a 27 year old man who I quickly came to rely on. He was charismatic, charming and extremely supportive. Over the time that we worked together we got closer and he would message me all day everyday on Teams about banal topics. He would ring me and we'd spend all day chatting about life and our upbringing. He asked about me and made me feel special and I loved talking to him everyday.

He then over time started texting me every evening and all day at the weekend about topics nothing to do with work. It would be photos of th lunch he was eating, or the show he was watching, or the park he was at. But it was constant.

This has been going on for 2 years and we still talk all day every day. I really fell deeply for him and thought that he just like me too, to the extent that I turned down other men who've approached me because none matched up to him.

Anyway, cut to last night. He asked me for a drink with him and some of his friends. I went and his friends started asking about his girlfriend. They've been together for over 2 years and are about to buy a house together.

He has outright lied to me this whole time about her. He told me he spent Christmas alone but he was actually with her. He said he went on holiday with 'a friend' but it was with her. He told me he was buying a house for 'me and my cat' - aka no mention of the girlfriend.

I was and still am devestated. I'm angry I've wasted all this time on him and that he's lied to me. I feel awful for his poor girlfriend. I'm still trying to cut off my feelings for him and I've been ingnoring his messages this morning, but we still work together so it will be tricky.

Anyway I'm not sure what I wanted to get out of this but thank you for reading this far. I just needed to get it off my chest.

@Tripizie

It was a female friend of his and her boyfriend. And he was definitely squirming. He seemed really uncomfortable and kept trying to change the topic to move away from it.

There's still a part of me that wonders whether he was intentionally hiding her from me, or if he had just never felt it relevant to bring her up. But I know that the fact he outright lied on multiple occasions shows that he knew what he was doing.

He never felt it was relevant ? Come on! I had one of these guys too but he omitted to mention he had a wife!

He's been on a big ego trip. I feel sorry for you but you should feel sorry for his gf. Imagine being in a serious relationship with a man like that ?! You've had a lucky escape. If he hadn't made a move in 2 years then alarm bells should already have been ringing. What a pig. Move on, count your blessings and hopefully you'll find someone new soon.

[quote CaveWoman1]@ChargingBuck

Also, nobody's going to buy your "perhaps he's falling in love with you" nonsense, & you shouldn't be trying to foist it on OP.

I’m not trying to foist anything on the OP, perhaps go back & read my posts carefully. I’m just suggesting that there is always a possibility that this man has developed deeper feelings than even he expected for OP. That’s the problem with people, they’re not black & white & things happen that aren’t always straight down the line. Sure, he could be massaging a gigantic ego. But that’s only one answer isn’t it? What if he is in love with her? Why is that outside the realms of possibility? Why can’t that be voiced without it being written off as totally ludicrous?

Moreover, how are you so certain of his motives? What makes you personally qualified to see the emotions & true intentions of this person? Do you have a direct pipeline to his wants & desires & thoughts & doubts & everything in between? No. You don’t. So perhaps tolerate the most obvious explanation here - which is that he’s fallen in love. I doubt he planned to. But things happen don’t they, that are outside our control.[/quote]
No, I really disagree.

People are really very simple. The complexities come when others fill in the gaps by projecting what they hope might happen in a particular situation, or twist themselves in knots trying to read hidden meanings in their every action.

If he were in love with OP he would have done something about it by now.

If he is in love with OP but has forged ahead with getting a cat and buying a house with his girlfriend then he is a sociopath and to be avoided like the plague.

This man sounds like the biggest loser out there. What a twat

Oh OP, I'm sorry. This is not your fault at all, but you have been played by a man who was enjoying the attention and lining you up as a safety net in case it went to shit with his girlfriend. You don't get cats and houses with someone you don't think will last.

@Monr0e

OP, you say you talk all day everyday and have done for the last 2 years. Have you actually been dating or sleeping together or having you just been carrying a torch for him all this time waiting for him? And if so, did you not think it strange he never asked you out?

I'm sorry either way, but it sounds like you have been nothing more than an ego boost for him. Does he know how you feel about him? I would just contact him and say in light of the news he has a girlfriend you should keep all communication strictly work related from now on as you wouldn't want her to get the wrong idea. Then stick to that and give yourself time to get over this rat.

Exactly what I was thinking. Did you think you were dating? Were you sleeping together? Did you know he had a girlfriend. What on earth did you think was happening for TWO YEARS?!

Also, how did he have the time to message you weekends you when he has a girlfriend? Probably doingvit sneakily. His friends obviously realised what he's been up to for them to mention his girlfriend infront of you, probably trying to warn you so I guess, like another poster said,mthat he most likely has form for this. Imagine him being sneaky and it'll soon put you off him. No one like a snake with a yellow streak running down its back.

Wow - he is a not nice - he has had you on the side the entire time he was seeing someone else - probably massaging his ego to feel wanted. Just remember this every time he sends you a message - his girlfriend has no idea about you and the intimate messages. How happy would you be if you were his girlfriend - you and her BOTH deserve better.

I really don't know how he's hidden the messaging from his girlfriend. He sent me a photo of the view from his hotel room when he was on holiday, presumably immediately after waking up with her in his bed. He has sent me photos from times when I now think he was on dates with her - the food at the restaraunt, the opening credits of a films at the cinema etc. That's what confuses me, I don't know whether she never asked or if he told her he was just texting a friend?

That poor woman

@Tripizie

I really don't know how he's hidden the messaging from his girlfriend. He sent me a photo of the view from his hotel room when he was on holiday, presumably immediately after waking up with her in his bed. He has sent me photos from times when I now think he was on dates with her - the food at the restaraunt, the opening credits of a films at the cinema etc. That's what confuses me, I don't know whether she never asked or if he told her he was just texting a friend?

From personal experience probably when sat on the toilet!!!

@Tripizie

I really don't know how he's hidden the messaging from his girlfriend. He sent me a photo of the view from his hotel room when he was on holiday, presumably immediately after waking up with her in his bed. He has sent me photos from times when I now think he was on dates with her - the food at the restaraunt, the opening credits of a films at the cinema etc. That's what confuses me, I don't know whether she never asked or if he told her he was just texting a friend?

Did you ever ask who he was with?

I haven't replied yet

Well done - & you are not obliged to.

You can choose to never respond to a personal message again, & retain your cool professional hat when responding to or sending work-related messages.

OR - you can send one final 'personal' - I would recommend it is short, unemotional (see PP advice upthread - don't give him the satisfaction) & amused/disdainful in tone.

Something along the lines of "not sure why you told me it was just you & the cat at home, but now your friends have updated about your partner, I've decided personal messaging is inappropriate, & will be reverting to business-only. Thanks for co-operating."

& that's it - done.
Make sure you word it so he knows you EXPECT co-operation - don't get caught in the self-sabotaging trap of asking for 'understanding' or - heavens forfend - apologising for withdrawing.

Yes sometimes, and he would always deflect. He'd often say things like 'haha I'm very popular' or he'd ignore that message from me and text me about something else. It did give me some doubts but I very naively didn't think people would hide relationships for 2 years, so gave him the benefit of the doubt! I also didn't want to come across like I was prying in his life so never pushed for an answer.

Ah sorry I'm bad at this, my last comment was a really to Dave asking if I ever asked who he was with!

@Viviennemary

So OP is madly in love with a work colleague who has never asked her on a date in two years. Now he is a rat. .

Sure he is @Viviennemary

He's a rat with a cat.
The cat he told OP he lived alone with - all while cohabiting with his partner.

No dates with him at all in 2 years. Red flag.

Strange. Have you read more into a close friendship. The lack of dates and no attempt to take it further in two years seems very odd.

What if he is in love with her?

What if he is, @CaveWoman1?

If he is - he does the decent thing, & finishes with his live-in partner as amicably as possible.
Although why OP would want to accept the fictitious love of a man who lied about living alone while enjoying a relationship with a partner who I imagine believes he loves her, is another question.

@ChargingBuck

What if he is in love with her?

What if he is, @CaveWoman1?

If he is - he does the decent thing, & finishes with his live-in partner as amicably as possible.
Although why OP would want to accept the fictitious love of a man who lied about living alone while enjoying a relationship with a partner who I imagine believes he loves her, is another question.

I never thought he was in love with me, but I did think he had strong feelings for me. Now I know it was all a front for his giant ego. And even if he did like me and break up with his girlfriend, I know i'd never trust him to not start messaging some new young colleagues.

It's crazy because when I saw him last night, I was thinking to myself that he's not even particularly attractive. It was my idealisation of him that had made me fall for him. Charisma and charm can go a long way I now realise.

It was my idealisation of him that had made me fall for him.

That's it. He can be anything you want when he's not actually there.

Please don't mention anything about the GF. He will wail that you and he are "just frieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeends and nothing happeeeeeeeeened" which is sort of true (thankfully) but will not make you feel better. He knows you know. Bright and breezy, work comms only, totally ignore everything else. I know it's easier said than done but taking this approach now will help in the long run.

YY to keeping whatever messages you have from him safe.

PS He's a knob

@itsgoodtobehome

I had a really similar situation back when I was probably the same age as you OP. 'My guy' was very open about the fact that he was married, but like you, we had lunch together every day, texted all the time, would speak over the weekend about non-related work etc. I truly thought he was biding his time before he declared his undying love for me. Well, that obviously never happened, and anytime we were in a situation where something could happen, he would get all squirmy and couldn't get away quick enough!! I think these men just enjoy the knowledge and power that they can get a girl to fall for them, but have no intention of following through. Now I just look back and feel sorry for his poor wife. You will be fine.

Not quite the same though is it? You knew your colleague was married. OP had no idea her colleague was in a romantic relationship with someone else.

He sounds like a dick, who likes attention.

But, OP, you have got far too carried away with this.

You assumed this guy, who was flirty with you, made no move on the basis that he was waiting for you not to work together....but this was never mentioned, you just assumed this.

There was no "once we aren't colleagues, we can be a couple".... You just assumed this.

And then you had drinks with people that he knows, openly know he has a girlfriend, so he knew it was very likely she would be mentioned.

I think he's not mentioned her because he likes the attention from you, but you have really run away into the sunset with this in your head.

He's a liar, no doubts about that. But he wasn't making you any promises.

I'm sorry you've had to go through this. At least you found out now xx

It's tricky because he has helped me a lot with work, and I really always enjoyed chatting with him about life. Do you think it's worth trying to keep the friendship and just chat on Skype sometimes, or should I cut him off entirely?

Have you been on dates, slept together etc? Are his messages flirty or anything because if not I think you’ve built it up. Maybe he saw you were struggling and got to know you like a little sister or close friend. I have friends I text everyday certainly doesn’t mean I’m leading them on. I wouldn’t mention anything about his girlfriend because if he hasn’t been flirting then he hasn’t done anything wrong. I hope in time you can get over this crush and find the man for you.