Colleague emotional affair - just found out that I'm the 'other woman'

[Tripizie]

I just posted this in 'chat' but I think that's the wrong section so moving it to here.

Its hard to know where to start with this. I'm new to the site and really just need to vent and get it all out and I highly doubt he'll be reading Mumsnet, so hopefully I can do so anonymously.

3 years ago, I finished university and started a grad job as a big firm. I was 21, stressed, anxious and felt incredibly out of my depth.

My manager at the time was a 27 year old man who I quickly came to rely on. He was charismatic, charming and extremely supportive. Over the time that we worked together we got closer and he would message me all day everyday on Teams about banal topics. He would ring me and we'd spend all day chatting about life and our upbringing. He asked about me and made me feel special and I loved talking to him everyday.

He then over time started texting me every evening and all day at the weekend about topics nothing to do with work. It would be photos of th lunch he was eating, or the show he was watching, or the park he was at. But it was constant.

This has been going on for 2 years and we still talk all day every day. I really fell deeply for him and thought that he just like me too, to the extent that I turned down other men who've approached me because none matched up to him.

Anyway, cut to last night. He asked me for a drink with him and some of his friends. I went and his friends started asking about his girlfriend. They've been together for over 2 years and are about to buy a house together.

He has outright lied to me this whole time about her. He told me he spent Christmas alone but he was actually with her. He said he went on holiday with 'a friend' but it was with her. He told me he was buying a house for 'me and my cat' - aka no mention of the girlfriend.

I was and still am devestated. I'm angry I've wasted all this time on him and that he's lied to me. I feel awful for his poor girlfriend. I'm still trying to cut off my feelings for him and I've been ingnoring his messages this morning, but we still work together so it will be tricky.

Anyway I'm not sure what I wanted to get out of this but thank you for reading this far. I just needed to get it off my chest.

I really feel for you. What a shit. But I think it might also be worth asking yourself - what if the girlfriend didn't exist, as you initially thought? Why was I happy with so little from this man - why didn't I feel I deserved a full relationship with him?

I don’t think he’s all to blame here tbh

Sure ... haven't we all flirted with our junior colleagues for 2 years, while concealing conceal our partners from them? He told her he was buying a house for him & his cat @CaveWoman1.

If you can't see that as deliberate obsfuscation, you have a worryingly low bar. Also, nobody's going to buy your "perhaps he's falling in love with you" nonsense, & you shouldn't be trying to foist it on OP.
Jack the Lad here has no business "falling in love" with anyone, let alone his direct work report FFS - he's in a supposedly committed relationship.

What job do you do that two of you can waste half the day sending each other messages without it affecting the company's performance?

I'd ignore his messages from now on, work hard, improve your performance and then look for a job elsewhere. And go on some dates with real, available men!

@DrSbaitso

What did he make you feel that you couldn't otherwise get?

I ask because this has been two years of you building him up to something so amazing you were refusing other men even though you weren't in a relationship with him, two years of him NOT asking you out. I think if you can work out what fantasy he fulfilled, you will be better prepared for the future.

I'm sorry this happened. He's a twunt.

I think a big part of it was that because I was spending so much time chatting and texting him that I just didn't have the mental energy to focus on any other men. Whenever I had a good or bad day, he was the person I'd speak to about it, and likewise he would text me everyday about all his ups and downs. I think he filled the void of loneliness that I had and because I felt like the void was filled to an extent by all the communication, I didn't feel such an urgency to go out and see other men.

@Sittingonabench

There are definitely some blurred messages going on and it’s entirely his fault. Yes I think it probably has been that he has enjoyed the attention, adoration and power over you. It’s time for you to reassert your boundaries. Since you work together I would avoid a scorched earth approach but maybe say you have recently started dating and while you value the friendship and support he’s provided over the past couple of years you think it’s time to introduce some boundaries in personal time so that people don’t get the wrong idea. Basically a fuck off message without directly saying that. For you I would get the idealised version you have of him out of your head - any new person you meet is miles ahead of him as they haven’t lied to you.

Sorry this self-serving man has hurt you - and abused your trust. (His poor girlfriend is in the same boat... but thinks herself on dry land.)

Even if this had not seemed like a romantic relationship, he has deceived you in ways that friends do not.

Though something more angry/vengeful would be satisfying, I like @Sittingonabench 's approach to working with him from here.

What a snake. Has he been messaging you today as usual?

Yes I think it is a good approach, thank you! I strongly suspect that he'll reach out in a few days to ask what's up with me so it's good to have an idea of what I should say to him.

Definitely not as much as usual. I feigned a headache last night so that I could leave early so he messaged me earlier on today to ask how I'm feeling.

I haven't replied yet, I suspect he's maybe trying to test the waters to see how I feel about him now. Or maybe he genuinely cares about my headache, I don't know. Either way, I know I shouldn't care.

@MyOtherProfile

What a snake. Has he been messaging you today as usual?

Sorry my above message was in response to this.

OP I hear you. I was in an emotional relationship with a work colleague for just over a year. Every single day constant messaging, nobody understood anyone the way that we understood each other. He told me everything. Messaged me his meals, his gardening, everything. Everything. Long story short it ended (not the same as you but I was still the one left hurt/confused) but I look back now and I was definitely an ego boost for him. And with it all on the phones, he probably could have walked past me and said he never met me! I really feel for you. Be professional to him at work, reply to his work emails, ignore any other contact. If he continues, take it to HR. I don't think it means that we weren't connected to these men, we were and still are. I genuinely believe he felt a connection with me. But his purpose was selfish whereas I thought it was actually something. Hold your head high and move forward x

You’ve had a lucky escape, although I know that’s cold comfort right now.

The main thing to take away from this is the lesson that a man who is truly interested won’t take two years to do something about it - and if there is an obstacle, such as professional ethics, then they will proactively request a transfer or similar.

You need to not answer any of his messages. Can you request a change in work place etc.
I suspect he will try and message and want things to continue.

The guy sounds like an absolute user and no doubt enjoyed the ongoing ego boost of having both a loving girlfriend at home and an adoring 'mentee' at work.

As previous posters have mentioned, the first takeaway is not to put your love life on hold for someone who doesn't show proactive interest in dating you fairly early on. That's not to say that you only date men who come in super-hot (someone telling you that you're their dream woman and wanting to move in together within weeks is just as much of a red flag as someone who leads you on for years). But if someone hasn't articulated explicit interest in dating within a few months of meeting you and knowing you're single, then they are probably never going to.

As for how to deal with him, you have the measure of him now. He's a weasel who doesn't outright lie so much as manipulate circumstances to his benefit, so that he can keep his image as a great guy while using people to fulfill his own neediness. So a confrontation of any kind will probably do nothing except provoke him to paint you as a fantasist to your colleagues.

I would just reel back your communication right to the amount required of you as a work colleague and disengage/palm off any attempts at more personal questions in a breezy, polite, utterly non-commital way that exercises the same plausible deniability that he is so good at. Because one thing is for sure –he 100 percent will know why you've pulled back, even if he dances around it and pretends not to.

Him: "Hey, you haven't been responding to my messages much - is everything okay?"
You: "Sorry, I've been busy with a few things. I'm fine, thanks for asking."

Him: "Oh, what kind of things?"
You: "Hanging out with friends, catching up on reading, life admin, you know! I'm actually just heading out now, see you at work tomorrow."

Him: "Hey, I feel like we haven't chatted much lately. Do you want to catch up this week?"
You: "Yeah, I've been flat out. The next couple of weeks are pretty busy actually! I'll let you know when things slow down."

I wouldn't make up a fake boyfriend or anything, but I would start dating and find a way to drop that in casually if he asks what you've been up to. Just show him that your interest in maintaining a relationship that is anything more than work colleagues is absolutely zero, without coming right out and saying that.

@Tripizie

Definitely not as much as usual. I feigned a headache last night so that I could leave early so he messaged me earlier on today to ask how I'm feeling.

I haven't replied yet, I suspect he's maybe trying to test the waters to see how I feel about him now. Or maybe he genuinely cares about my headache, I don't know. Either way, I know I shouldn't care.

He doesn't care about your headache. He is missing the massaging of his ego you provided. Do not fall under his spell again. His poor girlfriend

I think he liked having his ego massaged TBH.A young keen new colleague that he could chat to and message freely ."No strings attached" to quote that horrible saying so beloved of users galore! I would start dating other guys ASAP .Also maybe have a look around for a new job as well!

He’s the Office Rat.

Do you still work directly with him or can you limit your contact with him at work?

You now know he’s been leading you on just for an ego boost so you don’t have to play along anymore. I’d send him one final message and tell him you’re not interested in staying friends since you discovered he has lied to you and to leave you alone.

Save all the messages somewhere just in case you need evidence at a later date if he tries to cause problems at work.

OP in the nicest possible way, be careful with your work interactions

It's good to separate personal and professional life

Don't let him affect your professional life. If you don't reply to his messages, he will get it and just drop it, probably.

@MaudieandMe

He’s the Office Rat.

Do you still work directly with him or can you limit your contact with him at work?

You now know he’s been leading you on just for an ego boost so you don’t have to play along anymore. I’d send him one final message and tell him you’re not interested in staying friends since you discovered he has lied to you and to leave you alone.

Save all the messages somewhere just in case you need evidence at a later date if he tries to cause problems at work.

X post I wouldn't even send that. Just ignore, no explanations needed.

So OP is madly in love with a work colleague who has never asked her on a date in two years. Now he is a rat. .

OP you haven't been stupid, just a little naive and that's purely because you're a nice person and your youth meant you haven't experienced this kind of man before.

Although you feel upset, believe me you can hold your head high here - you haven't made a fool of yourself. Someone upthread gave an excellent response for you to give him along the lines that you didn't realise he had a girlfriend and will remove yourself from him a bit in case she were to misunderstand your friendship. Your dignity is 100% in tact.

Just remember, we cannot know everything from the outset. Time and experience helps us learn and you'll be so much wiser to potential red flags in future. Best of luck.

@ChargingBuck

Also, nobody's going to buy your "perhaps he's falling in love with you" nonsense, & you shouldn't be trying to foist it on OP.

I’m not trying to foist anything on the OP, perhaps go back & read my posts carefully. I’m just suggesting that there is always a possibility that this man has developed deeper feelings than even he expected for OP. That’s the problem with people, they’re not black & white & things happen that aren’t always straight down the line. Sure, he could be massaging a gigantic ego. But that’s only one answer isn’t it? What if he is in love with her? Why is that outside the realms of possibility? Why can’t that be voiced without it being written off as totally ludicrous?

Moreover, how are you so certain of his motives? What makes you personally qualified to see the emotions & true intentions of this person? Do you have a direct pipeline to his wants & desires & thoughts & doubts & everything in between? No. You don’t. So perhaps tolerate the most obvious explanation here - which is that he’s fallen in love. I doubt he planned to. But things happen don’t they, that are outside our control.

"What if he is in love with her? Why is that outside the realms of possibility? Why can’t that be voiced without it being written off as totally ludicrous?"

Because you don't spend two years lying to someone you love. We all lie sometimes, sure. This is two years of it.

OP - oh love, you must feel rotten.
I wanted to post because I wasted 3 years of my life on a similar situation 20 years ago and thinking back my face stings with shame of being strung along.

Much better for you will be along shortly I'm sure but in the meantime you have nothing to reproach yourself for.

Please be kind to yourself about this.

I'm truly sorry you have been hurt in this way, it's reminded me of some of the Catfish offenders. His girlfriend would be devastated to find his texts as it has been an emotional affair - I feel sorry for her too.

Do move forward with confidence, do value yourself and never put up with poor treatment. You deserve a relationship with someone who cares as deeply as you do.

What if he is in love with her? Why is that outside the realms of possibility? Why can’t that be voiced without it being written off as totally ludicrous?

What do you actually mean by "in love" here?

Because while it seems obvious that he's attracted to the OP and enjoys her company, at exactly the same time he obviously is also attracted to and enjoying the company of another woman who he has made a public commitment to, takes holidays with, has introduced to his family and is buying a house with - big commitments.

So if he's 'in love' with either of the two, it seems pretty obvious that it's the girlfriend. He's known the OP for two years, if he was genuinely 'in love' with her, he wouldn't be progressing things with another woman at the same time.

He's a user.