Colleague emotional affair - just found out that I'm the 'other woman'

[Tripizie]

I just posted this in 'chat' but I think that's the wrong section so moving it to here.

Its hard to know where to start with this. I'm new to the site and really just need to vent and get it all out and I highly doubt he'll be reading Mumsnet, so hopefully I can do so anonymously.

3 years ago, I finished university and started a grad job as a big firm. I was 21, stressed, anxious and felt incredibly out of my depth.

My manager at the time was a 27 year old man who I quickly came to rely on. He was charismatic, charming and extremely supportive. Over the time that we worked together we got closer and he would message me all day everyday on Teams about banal topics. He would ring me and we'd spend all day chatting about life and our upbringing. He asked about me and made me feel special and I loved talking to him everyday.

He then over time started texting me every evening and all day at the weekend about topics nothing to do with work. It would be photos of th lunch he was eating, or the show he was watching, or the park he was at. But it was constant.

This has been going on for 2 years and we still talk all day every day. I really fell deeply for him and thought that he just like me too, to the extent that I turned down other men who've approached me because none matched up to him.

Anyway, cut to last night. He asked me for a drink with him and some of his friends. I went and his friends started asking about his girlfriend. They've been together for over 2 years and are about to buy a house together.

He has outright lied to me this whole time about her. He told me he spent Christmas alone but he was actually with her. He said he went on holiday with 'a friend' but it was with her. He told me he was buying a house for 'me and my cat' - aka no mention of the girlfriend.

I was and still am devestated. I'm angry I've wasted all this time on him and that he's lied to me. I feel awful for his poor girlfriend. I'm still trying to cut off my feelings for him and I've been ingnoring his messages this morning, but we still work together so it will be tricky.

Anyway I'm not sure what I wanted to get out of this but thank you for reading this far. I just needed to get it off my chest.

@Hestyo

I think it's natural you're missing him today, after your date. There'll be that contrast between the date man you've only spent a few hours with and so barely know, and the cosy familiarity of the colleague you (thought you) knew really well.

The thing to remember is you didn't know your colleage well, because he was lying to you.

You say you would feel bad if someone just cut you off, but presumably you wouldn't lie for two years about your relationship status to lead someone on. You and he are not the same. You respected him in a way that he never respected you.

It's also interesting that beyond the two initial messages he's made no effort to contact you. He shouldn't be doing so, of course, but if he at this point wanted to salvage a friendship from the disceitful mess he's made, he might be trying to start up the messages on platonic friendly terms. But no. He knows why you've blanked him, knows you've seen him for who he is, and so the game is over for him. He doesn't want to be your friend. He wanted to play games with you, flirt with you, and have the ego boost that came with that. Now he isn't going to get it anymore, he isn't interested in a friendship.

That might sound harsh, but it says nothing about your worth, and everything about his lack of it. You're a much nicer person than he is. Find someone who deserves you, not a dishonest flirtation that exists solely to boost his ego.

I totally agree with this. After 2 years of what felt like meaningful contact, he has given up after 2 measly messages. And he absolutely knows why you're not replying. If he didn't, he'd be asking you what was wrong, had he done something to offend you, etc. He probably realised that there is a risk you could kick off and make things difficult between him and his girlfriend so has decided to slink away quietly. So just remember that, no matter how awkward you might feel about going on that course, he will be feeling more awkward. Hold your head high, smile, be breezy. Fake it til you make it. You're doing bloody great, OP.

OP, you wrote I do wonder whether he was attracted to me, I think from a couple of slightly flirty comments that he may have been.

It really doesn’t matter if he was attracted to you or not. You now know he has a girlfriend. So, this line of thinking is not going to do you any good. And is starting to make you sound like the sort of woman who would be willing to be an OW. If that is coming across in real life, please be careful.

Yes you're right. If he did truly see it as a friendship and value it, he'd probably apologise at least. I think either he thinks that would be an admission of guilt or he just doesn't care that we don't talk anymore.

I can't believe I let this go on for 2 years. I really did think he cared about me.

@AllGoodPoints

OP, you wrote I do wonder whether he was attracted to me, I think from a couple of slightly flirty comments that he may have been.

It really doesn’t matter if he was attracted to you or not. You now know he has a girlfriend. So, this line of thinking is not going to do you any good. And is starting to make you sound like the sort of woman who would be willing to be an OW. If that is coming across in real life, please be careful.

I think this is very unfair.

I haven't replied to any of his messages since finding out about his girlfriend. I've cut him off completely.

I think it's only natural to be confused after being misled for 2 years and wanting to figure out what his motivation was for acting the way he did.

He's a predatory office guy. Like PPs have said, they're very common.
I don't think they see people the way normal people do. More like what use are you to them. Ego stroke, attention, etc.

Remind yourself, he never was a friend. He was deceitful and lying the entire time. Who needs friends like that!

Try not to feel bad. Remind yourself how he lied to you every day and how he betrayed his partner every day. Sadly, she is connecting herself financially to this twat.

Good you went on a date. I do believe you'll feel better in time about this. After 2 years, it's understandable to feel hurt.

wanting to figure out what his motivation was for acting the way he did
Don't try to think too much about this OP , the answer is because he could, because you boosted his ego. You could have been anyone willing to engage, in fact there were probably a few failed attempts with others, or someone before you and likely, there will be someone after you too. I'm not meaning this in a harsh way to you, but it would be good to be aware that you are experiencing some cognitive dissonance as it felt so special you cant believe it wasnt a real thing and why was he attracted etc. The answer is , it wasnt real. Not for him anyway

wanting to figure out what his motivation was for acting the way he did

Best guess is attention, validation, ego flattery etc.

He evidently like the sexual/romantic undertone or frisson or whatever, or he'd not have hidden his relationship status.

the answer is because he could, because you boosted his ego. You could have been anyone willing to engage, in fact there were probably a few failed attempts with others, or someone before you and likely, there will be someone after you too.

This.

He's dropped out of the training course it looks like. I'm not sure whether that's because of me or he just can't make it anymore. I'm relieved by also a bit sad.

People who have cut friends off like this before, how long was it before you stopped missing them and thinking about them?

I have a bloke do this to me years ago, I refuse to talk to him after but he wasn't my manager. He eventually married the girlfriend, they're divorced now apparently, would love to know why!

Do you feel looking back that it was the right thing to do, or do you ever wish you hadn't been so final about cutting him off?

I think I'll only be able to tell whether I did the right thing in cutting him off a few years down the line from now.

Months but it does get easier. Initially I’d be checking his calendar at work - partly to avoid accidentally bumping into him but also to see what he was up to. Blocking him on all social media helped so I wasn’t tempted to look and it made it more of a definite end.

Try and get some fun things organised for yourself to look forward to - whether it’s seeing friends you maybe haven’t seen for a while, a massage or spa day, a holiday etc. Keep looking and moving forward rather than back.

@Tripizie I know that question was for PP but I’ve got no regrets whatsoever. Over time it was like my blinkers were removed and I started seeing him for who he actually was and how much of him was false. I’m really relieved that it never ended up being more than emotional connection and I saw him using the same “act” on other young women in the business. Definitely feel like I had a lucky escape.

It's actually a very good thing he's dropped out.

I'm sure it will take a while for you to withdraw from the "relationship". It took me a couple of years (!) with a guy (not attached) who did something similar.

@Tripizie

Do you feel looking back that it was the right thing to do, or do you ever wish you hadn't been so final about cutting him off?

I think I'll only be able to tell whether I did the right thing in cutting him off a few years down the line from now.

Give yourself a little shake, Trip.

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.

You don't want a gameplaying jerk like him in your life, even as a 'friend'.
You don't need to wait 'a few years' to know that - it's true when you did it, it's true now, & it will always be true.

@Tripizie

Do you feel looking back that it was the right thing to do, or do you ever wish you hadn't been so final about cutting him off?

I think I'll only be able to tell whether I did the right thing in cutting him off a few years down the line from now.

OP you definitely need to get a bit of a reality check here

You have been scammed- none of this was real - look at the evidence- you found out about his gf, he stopped messaging.

You have put a lot into this and it was a proxy relationship for you so it will take you some time. If you reconnect - he will know he can LITERALLY do anything to you and you will take it. HE IS NOT A NICE GUY.

Please wallow for a bit but then as soon as possible , get back out there as the person you are pining after is not a real person- he has the mask of one but underneath he is a lying cheat with a girlfriend at home.

I know I'm being ridiculous. I have been getting out and about and keeping myself busy.

I just find it tough when moments come up where we'd usually speak to each other. Like when we're on a walk call and we'd be laughing about something to do with it on Teams in the background. I bumped into an old client of ours that we really liked last weekend on the bus and I was sad that I couldn't tell colleague I'd bumped into him. Or there's times where I've been struggling at work and I know he'd be able to help me, but I've had to try to muddle through on my own and be very stressed about it.

Sorry I've just never cut off a relationship like this before. It feels so cold and final and I wish we could be on civil terms.

You cant be on civil terms as you never were. He wasnt being civil to you, he was having an emotional affair with you.

Cold Turkey really is best. If you were on civil terms, would you not be more tempted to drop him a message after a tough day or when you were thinking of him?

If a friend had given up alcohol and were detoxing, they’d be craving a drink but the last thing you’d do is suggest they have a small glass of wine.

The need for him to be in your life will pass and you will feel better for it. Hope that weird analogy makes sense!

When you catch yourself missing him you need to remember that he wasn’t your friend. He lied by omission, over and over again. There was no reciprocity or mutual respect there. It was barely one step up from having an all-consuming crush on a teacher.

Yes and when you find yourself missing him remember that he dropped you. He hasn't exactly been buzzing around you trying to get you to communicate with him.

@WitchWithoutChips

When you catch yourself missing him you need to remember that he wasn’t your friend. He lied by omission, over and over again. There was no reciprocity or mutual respect there. It was barely one step up from having an all-consuming crush on a teacher.

This is a really good point, you had a crush on a fake persona

Sorry I've just never cut off a relationship like this before. It feels so cold and final and I wish we could be on civil terms.

It's normal to struggle with cutting off what was for you a genuine friendship (with hope of romance) when you discovered it wasn't a genuine friendship (as he was hiding his romance) on his part.

The reason that you're battling to get your head around why he did what he did is because you are a different kind of person to him.

When you try to imagine yourself leading a male friend on and deliberately hiding your boyfriend from him simply because the friend's attention was giving you a nice little ego boost, you know you would feel internally conflicted and uncomfortable to the point that you would just stop the friendship yourself. You can't grasp that your former 'friend' could just carry on doing what he did without feeling terribly uncomfortable about it.

But he did. Because he's not like you. He's not a person you can truly be friends with because he's wearing a mask. He ACTED nice to you, but deep down, he wasn't BEING nice to you.

It's destablising to realise that people like this really exist and they seem on the surface to be just like you. But deep inside, they're not like you. They have a skewed moral compass that lets them do things you would simply not do.

You can't make this right in your mind. You just have to accept it and let it go.

@Tripizie

I know I'm being ridiculous. I have been getting out and about and keeping myself busy.

I just find it tough when moments come up where we'd usually speak to each other. Like when we're on a walk call and we'd be laughing about something to do with it on Teams in the background. I bumped into an old client of ours that we really liked last weekend on the bus and I was sad that I couldn't tell colleague I'd bumped into him. Or there's times where I've been struggling at work and I know he'd be able to help me, but I've had to try to muddle through on my own and be very stressed about it.

Sorry I've just never cut off a relationship like this before. It feels so cold and final and I wish we could be on civil terms.

For the sake of your career, why not focus on work during work calls, rather than trying to banter on the side.

For the sake of your career, why not focus on work during work calls, rather than trying to banter on the side.

Even the directors at the multi-multi-million dollar firm I work at occasionally banter on Teams chat while they are sitting through long online meetings so it seems a bit rough to nit-pick at the OP for behaviour that appears at every level of the workplace.