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Original poster

Colleague emotional affair - just found out that I'm the 'other woman'

326 replies

Tripizie · 23/01/2022 14:19

I just posted this in 'chat' but I think that's the wrong section so moving it to here.

Its hard to know where to start with this. I'm new to the site and really just need to vent and get it all out and I highly doubt he'll be reading Mumsnet, so hopefully I can do so anonymously.

3 years ago, I finished university and started a grad job as a big firm. I was 21, stressed, anxious and felt incredibly out of my depth.

My manager at the time was a 27 year old man who I quickly came to rely on. He was charismatic, charming and extremely supportive. Over the time that we worked together we got closer and he would message me all day everyday on Teams about banal topics. He would ring me and we'd spend all day chatting about life and our upbringing. He asked about me and made me feel special and I loved talking to him everyday.

He then over time started texting me every evening and all day at the weekend about topics nothing to do with work. It would be photos of th lunch he was eating, or the show he was watching, or the park he was at. But it was constant.

This has been going on for 2 years and we still talk all day every day. I really fell deeply for him and thought that he just like me too, to the extent that I turned down other men who've approached me because none matched up to him.

Anyway, cut to last night. He asked me for a drink with him and some of his friends. I went and his friends started asking about his girlfriend. They've been together for over 2 years and are about to buy a house together.

He has outright lied to me this whole time about her. He told me he spent Christmas alone but he was actually with her. He said he went on holiday with 'a friend' but it was with her. He told me he was buying a house for 'me and my cat' - aka no mention of the girlfriend.

I was and still am devestated. I'm angry I've wasted all this time on him and that he's lied to me. I feel awful for his poor girlfriend. I'm still trying to cut off my feelings for him and I've been ingnoring his messages this morning, but we still work together so it will be tricky.

Anyway I'm not sure what I wanted to get out of this but thank you for reading this far. I just needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
Lemonweightloss · 23/01/2022 19:46

@Tripizie, no, lovely, you can't keep the friendship. But you can now find other friends and interests and can spread your wings.
Keep it professional. Fake it til you make it. And you will.

emuloc · 23/01/2022 19:53

Not a good idea, because you have feelings for him. It is hard, but it will be better for you to cut contact.

CPL593H · 23/01/2022 20:00

He isn't your friend. Friends don't deliberately lie to you about about the stuff he has.

heelforheelandtoefortoe · 23/01/2022 20:02

Is he still your manager?

Are you WFH?

If you are WFH and he isn't your manager, then it will be easier to ignore him completely, cut him off.

I'd also look for another job. Make a clean break.

I had someone like this once. Although he WAS single. He was just using me as an ego boost so it was never going to be more than compliments and flirting. I realised in time though.

ReadySteadyTwins · 23/01/2022 20:06

You also need to remove the concept that you are the "other woman."

You've created a whole scenario that he never acknowledged or discussed, within your own head.

He's guilty of concealing his girlfriend, but not that bothered about you knowing to the extent that you both went to a social event where he knew she was common knowledge and would be mentioned.

You sound like a lovely person, but you've really created a lot of this yourself, he never gave you any indication of "you and him" yes he purported to be single, but that all that tells you is that he doesn't have a girlfriend, not that he wishes you were.

He obviously knows it was a shitty thing to do, and that he's knowingly used you for attention, or he wouldn't have been squirming. But you aren't the "other woman." So don't beat yourself up as if you were xx

Dontbeme · 23/01/2022 20:07

@Tripizie

It's tricky because he has helped me a lot with work, and I really always enjoyed chatting with him about life. Do you think it's worth trying to keep the friendship and just chat on Skype sometimes, or should I cut him off entirely?
Why would you want to spend your free time with a liar? Seriously OP you need to really think on that question and think about your boundaries.
GreyGoose1980 · 23/01/2022 20:11

One of the most important messages I learnt the hard way in various situations falling for friends or men that were attached but hiding it in the situation you describe, is that if a man is interested in you they’ll ask you on a date and share their life with you as the relationship progresses. If they don’t, there’s a good reason why.

Sprucewillis · 23/01/2022 20:13

I am sorry OP you really have been lead on by this lying manipulative man. If it was all above board there would be no concealing the GF and you would have met her several times by now.

He's clearly using you for an ego boost. I am sure he would say he hasn't done anything wrong - technically hasn't crossed any lines. He knows what he's been doing make no mistake. What a dangerous game.

Can you ask to be moved at work? I don't see why you should have to leave. You haven't done anything wrong. I think you can move on from this and retain your professional credibility.

Console yourself with the fact that you have retained your dignity. He's the one who's out of order. If you can, distance yourself from him. Real friends do not lie and cheat for their own gain.

If he starts with the she doesn't understand me like you do, you're the only one who gets me lines please just walk away. You are worth some much more than this Thanks

curledupinaball · 23/01/2022 20:18

@Tripizie

It's tricky because he has helped me a lot with work, and I really always enjoyed chatting with him about life. Do you think it's worth trying to keep the friendship and just chat on Skype sometimes, or should I cut him off entirely?
Cut him off for everybody's sake.
CheekyHobson · 23/01/2022 20:18

@Tripizie

It's tricky because he has helped me a lot with work, and I really always enjoyed chatting with him about life. Do you think it's worth trying to keep the friendship and just chat on Skype sometimes, or should I cut him off entirely?

Honestly, you can and should find other friends. I doubt the 'friendship' will ever be quite the same now that there's an undercurrent of distrust based on his deceit and your let-down.

I know you've built him up into someone 'special' in your head but the truth is he's not special. There are many, many other people who you could build a mentor-type relationship with or a good platonic friendship with, on a more genuine and mutual basis than your relationship with this guy.

Anyway, my guess is now that his little secret is out, although he might initially try to keep the 'friendship' up in order to convince himself that 'nothing's changed', you both know it has and it will become awkward and he'll drift away towards an less complicated new admirer.

MyOtherProfile · 23/01/2022 20:19

Don't keep the relationship going. You deserve something better. He hasn't treated you well.

tearinghairout · 23/01/2022 20:19

Oh well. At least you know the truth now. You had a fun flirty time, but now it's time to end it. I suspect he very much enjoyed your company but didn't want to be unfaithful. I had something similar a long time ago, except I knew about his DW. The time came to end it, because it was unreal and impossible for us to have a real relationship. Fill your time with other friends, and find a real BF xx

nicesausages · 23/01/2022 20:29

Things will never be the same in your friendship. He's completely blindsided you. You will never be able to get past that and it's not recoverable. I would start with finding a date and you'll be amazed how quickly you move on and forget. Put it down to a bad experience and remove him from your life.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 23/01/2022 20:36

Rookie mistake #2 - trying to maintain a friendship.....

Original poster
Tripizie · 23/01/2022 21:02

His messages have often been flirty, e.g. when i told him ie bought a new top, he said 'send me a photo ;)', and would sometimes make sex related jokes or compliment my on my appearance.

But yes, no proper 'dates'. God I'm an idiot, I wish I could hate him but a part of me really does think he's done nothing wrong and I was reading into it and it would be silly to end a friendship over this.

But I think those who are saying I do need to end it are right. I want whole relationship and he's not the one. I think it will be a tough few weeks of no contact after speaking every day for so long, but I know it will be worth it in the end.

OP posts:
trickytimes · 23/01/2022 21:13

You’ve been led on. He’s keeping you from going out and meeting someone else by taking up your time and energy. He’s disgusting. He’s insecure and a liar. Go no contact. Maybe look at getting another job. Start dating other guys. Don’t speak to him again. He’s probably on dating sites too. Fragile ego so needs female attention. Don’t let him ruin your life

ReadySteadyTwins · 23/01/2022 21:21

Join an online dating site? Keep posting on Mumsnet? Join other internet forums?

There are other avenues for interesting conversation if you want to fill the temporary void.

Holskey · 23/01/2022 21:31

But yes, no proper 'dates'. God I'm an idiot, I wish I could hate him but a part of me really does think he's done nothing wrong and I was reading into it and it would be silly to end a friendship over this.

Nooo. I agree you've been daft and not assertive enough, but you have to keep reminding yourself that he kept the existence of his gf from you deliberately. And please don't try to think up potential harmless reasons and explanations for that. He was progressing his life with her the whole time and he didn't want you to know. Do you think she knows all about you? His dear work friend that he speaks to daily, shares flirty jokes with and requests pictures from with a wink. No. He is a very pleasant liar. He is not your friend.

Philly1234 · 23/01/2022 21:36

He sounds like a prize nob op. I genuinely think this has ultimately been an ego boost for him. That’s not to say he doesn’t like you but he knew he was never going to progress things with you. He used you and that’s not nice. He doesn’t deserve your friendship for that reason. And his poor girlfriend. Gosh. Imagine being her…

EmmasMum12 · 23/01/2022 22:29

OP please choose your friends carefully. This man doesn't deserve to be your friend. Build up your self respect so that you only allow good people into your life

RedFlagsAllOver · 23/01/2022 22:44

Op. I was totally obsessed with a guy I met online... James. I could explain why but I fell for him, thought he was gorgeous, amazing just I wanted him and nothing else....
But he ghosted me all the time, he would message, it was great, we would meet then he would get cold feet and vanish again. 3 months he was gone then popped up again, I forgave him, and the cycle repeated..
Then after ghosting me for a 3rd time he got in touch after 6 bloody months! Said I can be there in an hour please meet me. I thought wtf am I doing but I agreed.. and you know what all those feelings were gone. I thought he was utterly pathetic, the words he were saying were just pissing me off and annoying me. He wasn't attractive to me anymore... he got in touch again a few months ago said he had seen on my twitter I was having a hard time, would I meet him for a coffee. I did think about it but after a few days I said I Don't think that's a good idea. And I've not heard from him since. My dad passed away in December. He's always lurked around my social media but he's not even messaged to say he's sorry.
My point is you would have been making him something in your mind and now u know the truth I'm pretty sure you will see him for the worm he is.

ChargingBuck · 23/01/2022 22:53

@Tripizie

It's tricky because he has helped me a lot with work, and I really always enjoyed chatting with him about life. Do you think it's worth trying to keep the friendship and just chat on Skype sometimes, or should I cut him off entirely?
FFS Trip - curb that naivete.

Go back & read every PP again (bar the eejit who's telling you this twat's in luuuurve with you). You clearly didn't take them in first time round.

Clean break. Now. Use the wording several PP or I have suggested.
If you don't want to do that - it's just as viable to simply withdraw totally from personal messaging. But you need to make it 100%.

Don't be the one sending mixed messages here.
He's got a partner, he's a liar, & he's your manager.

Besides, you are at work to do your job for your company & advance your career for yourself. If I were your colleague & knew how much time you've been pissing away, flirty messaging with your boss, I'd take a fucking dim view.

Sorry to be so very blunt OP.
But this is your life, your career & your dignity at stake.
Please value them more highly.

ChargingBuck · 23/01/2022 22:58

it would be silly to end a friendship over this

HE. IS. NOT. YOUR. FRIEND.

HermioneGrangersHair · 23/01/2022 22:59

@Holskey

But yes, no proper 'dates'. God I'm an idiot, I wish I could hate him but a part of me really does think he's done nothing wrong and I was reading into it and it would be silly to end a friendship over this.

Nooo. I agree you've been daft and not assertive enough, but you have to keep reminding yourself that he kept the existence of his gf from you deliberately. And please don't try to think up potential harmless reasons and explanations for that. He was progressing his life with her the whole time and he didn't want you to know. Do you think she knows all about you? His dear work friend that he speaks to daily, shares flirty jokes with and requests pictures from with a wink. No. He is a very pleasant liar. He is not your friend.

This is true. You haven’t done anything wrong other than being naive and trusting that he was who is said he was. I also think he is in a position of authority in your organisation and this is unacceptable behaviour from anyone who is a manager with a young recruit in the team. Please take the advice here to start building a new set of friends/start to go in some dates ……and leave him behind.
DixonD · 23/01/2022 23:38

You’ve replied to the question about dating him, but not the one (asked twice) asking if you’ve slept together. You may have answered it and I’ve missed it, if so sorry.

So, have you? He’s an even bigger dick if so.

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