Colleague emotional affair - just found out that I'm the 'other woman'

[Tripizie]

I just posted this in 'chat' but I think that's the wrong section so moving it to here.

Its hard to know where to start with this. I'm new to the site and really just need to vent and get it all out and I highly doubt he'll be reading Mumsnet, so hopefully I can do so anonymously.

3 years ago, I finished university and started a grad job as a big firm. I was 21, stressed, anxious and felt incredibly out of my depth.

My manager at the time was a 27 year old man who I quickly came to rely on. He was charismatic, charming and extremely supportive. Over the time that we worked together we got closer and he would message me all day everyday on Teams about banal topics. He would ring me and we'd spend all day chatting about life and our upbringing. He asked about me and made me feel special and I loved talking to him everyday.

He then over time started texting me every evening and all day at the weekend about topics nothing to do with work. It would be photos of th lunch he was eating, or the show he was watching, or the park he was at. But it was constant.

This has been going on for 2 years and we still talk all day every day. I really fell deeply for him and thought that he just like me too, to the extent that I turned down other men who've approached me because none matched up to him.

Anyway, cut to last night. He asked me for a drink with him and some of his friends. I went and his friends started asking about his girlfriend. They've been together for over 2 years and are about to buy a house together.

He has outright lied to me this whole time about her. He told me he spent Christmas alone but he was actually with her. He said he went on holiday with 'a friend' but it was with her. He told me he was buying a house for 'me and my cat' - aka no mention of the girlfriend.

I was and still am devestated. I'm angry I've wasted all this time on him and that he's lied to me. I feel awful for his poor girlfriend. I'm still trying to cut off my feelings for him and I've been ingnoring his messages this morning, but we still work together so it will be tricky.

Anyway I'm not sure what I wanted to get out of this but thank you for reading this far. I just needed to get it off my chest.

@Tripizie

Yes sometimes, and he would always deflect. He'd often say things like 'haha I'm very popular' or he'd ignore that message from me and text me about something else. It did give me some doubts but I very naively didn't think people would hide relationships for 2 years, so gave him the benefit of the doubt! I also didn't want to come across like I was prying in his life so never pushed for an answer.

Sadly we do run with some of this stuff at times and only later do we ask wtf was I thinking. Now you know better.

It did give me some doubts but I very naively didn't think people would hide relationships for 2 years, so gave him the benefit of the doubt! I also didn't want to come across like I was prying in his life so never pushed for an answer.

It's an incredibly important lesson to learn that those small-but-noticeable moments of doubt/unease or 'pings' that say 'something's a bit off about this' are 100 percent there for a good reason.

If you are a very respectful and conscientious person it is really easy to dismiss those doubts and tell yourself that you must be getting it wrong and you shouldn't pre-judge people, etc when you get a few of these pings off a person, particularly someone you would really like to believe in.

But if you take a step back you will realise that there are quite a lot of people in your life who you NEVER get these pings off. People who never make you feel doubtful or uneasy or insecure. People you know you can trust and feel completely comfortable with. So if you feel doubtful or uneasy about something a particular person has said or done more than once or twice, it's actually a really big sign to take a huge step back emotionally and pay really close attention to the situation.

You will often find that when you look at the situation as though you were an outsider and not emotionally involved, or start asking yourself harder questions about why they might have said or done whatever they did, or why you feel uneasy asking for a particular piece of information from that person, it's because the most likely scenario is that there's something shady going on and you just don't want to believe it.

Time for a new start and a new job for you.

Oh dear. But this is how we learn.

Don't worry OP, it seems these older men are going after us younger lasses at our most vulnerable points at the minute, friends have been through similar to you and last year when I went through my long term relationship ending (it was abusive and I was your age) I wasn't looking for anything but met a guy online through friends on our group discord chat, he was charming and we had so much in common. After around 4 months of seeing each other and talking on a very personal level I found out he was in fact still living with his ex and the mother of his child! He had blocked me and my friends on her account and lied to us all about being with her. It devastated me as I genuinely thought I had met a nice guy after quite a traumatic breakup. Naively, after him apologising to me and saying they had broken up and that they were just still living together whilst he found a new place and telling all our friends the same which I stupidly believed I started a relationship with him only to find out, they were still living together and he had slept with her only the month before. He completely messed with my head and looking back, especially when I showed friends his messages to me, he was love bombing me and gaslighting me when I queried anything that seemed off, on one day when I was at work after we had argued he sent me over 30 messages demanding I respond and saying that he loved me?? He was 30 at the time and I was only 21/22

Been in the friends shoes before. A pal of my partners is like this.

He does it a lot, he always picks young ones and when caught out makes them out to be mad stalkers and that he's "not done anything wrong" and it's all in their head. Worse type of gas lighting.

The amount of times both me and my DH have subtly and unsubtly tipped off his various victims is large. Also I hate to say this but this type of guy usually has at least one women on the go but probably more. The GF has no idea because he gaslights her too (although many people have tried to unsuccessfully tip her off) but he love bombs her 😩

He's also not George clooney but I think that has something to do with it. It's a cycle, this guy can't love in the traditional way.

He's a collector of women, don't let him put you in his glass case !

Op, the younger you discover these rats the better. Put it all down to life experience and do your best to move in with your life.
If he is not your direct manager anymore, take longer and longer to respond, until you can’t be bothered anymore.
Been in your shoes, I believe they look for validation. Just like another poster I was wondering how in the world did they have time for all this messaging? And the slap on your face would come when they say they did non mean anything by it, but yes they were aware you had feeling for them. And the hardest thing g for me was breaking the habit of not texting and expecting to see that bloody Red dot next to WhatsApp. It will take time to make your bloody phone forget about him too, because whatever you look for his name will show up from nowhere. And it will be frustrating at times and you realise you’ve s as leats known he wasn’t that great looking anyway, or that amazing, and you still got yourself involved in this EA.
Make a list of the things you’ve wanted to do and start crossing them one by one, hopefully it will make you forget about this rat.
P.S. thank you for posting, I need posts like this to remind me about my own rat when I slide into the land of “of, maybe they cared too”. Good luck, OP! xoxo

OP, you have been one of those infamous workplace "friends" that we hear about all the time on MN usually from the POV of the wife.

The girlfriend must've wondered who he was texting all the time and would've been told that it was a "friend".

Meanwhile there was you thinking he was about to ask you out.

I am fairly brutal about this sort of thing. If he wanted to be with you, he would've left his girlfriend - they are not married. He obviously fancied you, liked the workplace diversion and got off on the ego boost. Twat.

I wouldn't even give him the satisfaction of knowing you're pissed off or hurt. Just be fairly unresponsive on anything non professional. And for God's sake, get out on Tinder or whatever it is young people do now.

Thank you everyone. You've given me great advice and it's what I needed to hear. For the person asking if I ever slept with him, I didn't, nothing physical ever happened but it's time to phase him out now.

Well done OP. I'm sure it will be tough at times but you are doing the right thing.

Has he noticed yet?

@candlelightsatdawn

Been in the friends shoes before. A pal of my partners is like this.

He does it a lot, he always picks young ones and when caught out makes them out to be mad stalkers and that he's "not done anything wrong" and it's all in their head. Worse type of gas lighting.

The amount of times both me and my DH have subtly and unsubtly tipped off his various victims is large. Also I hate to say this but this type of guy usually has at least one women on the go but probably more. The GF has no idea because he gaslights her too (although many people have tried to unsuccessfully tip her off) but he love bombs her 😩

He's also not George clooney but I think that has something to do with it. It's a cycle, this guy can't love in the traditional way.

He's a collector of women, don't let him put you in his glass case !

Bleurgh, why is your partner pals with someone who routinely gaslights women?

@youvegottenminuteslynn He's DH family friend so harder to cut loose sadly, known each other since v young. The "friend" was fostered long term and my DH thinks this plays a massive role in his behaviour. I think he's a donut tbh and avoid his company unless to scupper whatever shady behaviour he's up to.

Also the behaviour has massively gotten worse as this guys aged. The whole lad about town works when your young easier to hide behind, less so at 30+.

I intervene when I can, I'm mostly told by the females in the group to let him crack on but I can't because it gives me the ICK tbh.

Also the behaviour has massively gotten worse as this guys aged. The whole lad about town works when your young easier to hide behind, less so at 30+.

Does it not become harder to charm the sweet young things the older you get? You said he's no George Clooney. Is he especially wealthy or appealing in some other way?

@DrSbaitso

Also the behaviour has massively gotten worse as this guys aged. The whole lad about town works when your young easier to hide behind, less so at 30+.

Does it not become harder to charm the sweet young things the older you get? You said he's no George Clooney. Is he especially wealthy or appealing in some other way?

He's incredibly charismatic, average looking if looks like a "nice" guy. I think that's part of the trap, he looks kind and friendly and so so so charming, you wouldn't think him the type of person to be capable of it if that makes sense. You might even feel safe - good job, flat ect but not flash . He can put people at ease really easily it's quite a skill even people who are normally quite prickly like him.

But when you watch him really watch him in action over a long time, there's something rather predatory and predictable about it.

Truth be told he gives me the ICK and I haven't ever really been able to pin point what it was about him that just makes me feel uneasy (baring his actions obviously)

Sorry for hijacking thread !!

Don't apologise candle it could be enlightening for the OP.

Don't message him about it OP. Given he hasn't asked you out or taken the messages down a sexual route, I'd say he's been just careful enough to pretend he just thought of you as a friend. If you send any message referencing his GF or saying you need to cut contact, he will try to make you look a fool by saying you got the wrong idea. The same with any big chat about it all in person. Just stop messaging. Slow ghost is probably easier to avoid all the 'are you OK? What have I done?' Stuff that will inevitably follow you blanking him.

@5128gap

Don't message him about it OP. Given he hasn't asked you out or taken the messages down a sexual route, I'd say he's been just careful enough to pretend he just thought of you as a friend. If you send any message referencing his GF or saying you need to cut contact, he will try to make you look a fool by saying you got the wrong idea. The same with any big chat about it all in person. Just stop messaging. Slow ghost is probably easier to avoid all the 'are you OK? What have I done?' Stuff that will inevitably follow you blanking him.

I do see where you are coming from in that he hasn't done anything hugely and obviously wrong (although lying and hiding his gf for 2 years is pretty bad), for my own mental sanity, I think I do need to cut him off rather than slowly ghost.

I think if I continue to reply to him he'll just slowly reel me back in

I'm not saying he's done nothing wrong OP. He's behaved appallingly both to you and to his GF. My point is that, like other people have said, these men have a habit of trying to gaslight you into thinking you got the wrong idea and they were just being friendly. If you're ok with calling him out on that then all good.
If you cut him off he is almost certain to pursue you BTW. He's had your attention a long time and isn't going to let that go easily.

I have to say these types of men you have to be almost vicious with the blocking and go full NC or they absolutely will try to break down barriers if he hasn't already started that already,

They absolutely hate hate hate being rejected, my DH friend is of a similar kin. Careful !

Thank you! Yes he has already started to break down my barriers. I haven't replied to his message about my headache yet, but this morning he sent me a message on Skype about something to do with work, but which he knew had no relevance to me at all. I think he just wanted to get a response from me. I think I'll ignore it and reply with 'okay!' or something brief later on maybe.

'Tried' to break them down I should correct it to.

He was cheating on her he was having an emotional affair. IF he wasnt why dosent she know about you i presume she dosent know of your chats.

Probably time to cool all the chatting now.

affairs dont have to be physcial.

@Tripizie ahh the whole oh did you see that flying pig go past the window chat,

• then there will be the sincere puppy eyes "have I don't anything wrong have I " chat,

-The moody and you don't have to be off with me chat (cold shouldering - extra points if he can make you feel excluded/jealous)

• let's keep it professional chat whilst implying you had crossed the line chat

• the confessions/feelings chat (it's just because I have fallen in love with you chat)

• the dying man on his sword chat " if you feel uncomfortable I understand I will leave you alone" but then suspiciously he's everywhere and doesn't leave you alone

Even when you say no, they will find a way to ignore that no and keep being present because that no means little to them.

Good luck op these ones per persistent little fuckers.

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@Tripizie ahh the whole oh did you see that flying pig go past the window chat,

• then there will be the sincere puppy eyes "have I don't anything wrong have I " chat,

-The moody and you don't have to be off with me chat (cold shouldering - extra points if he can make you feel excluded/jealous)

• let's keep it professional chat whilst implying you had crossed the line chat

• the confessions/feelings chat (it's just because I have fallen in love with you chat)

• the dying man on his sword chat " if you feel uncomfortable I understand I will leave you alone" but then suspiciously he's everywhere and doesn't leave you alone

Even when you say no, they will find a way to ignore that no and keep being present because that no means little to them.

Good luck op these ones per persistent little fuckers. [/quote]
This is so spot on you ought to teach classes!

I agree he sounds like a serious psychopath/narcissist - he wants you to be mentally fucked up by this so he can label you a "crazy stalker woman".

He is NOT your friend. He can see you have all the opportunities an attractive younger woman has and hates you for it.

I'd grey rock at work (some boring excuse, take time to reply to his messages) and make your own friendship group and new dates, but please keep very, very, very high boundaries with your privacy.

Do not give him ANY information about yourself or your new dates or friends from now on.

Is a "malfunctioning phone" possible? Can you delete WhatsApp for a bit? How about some vague undefined medical condition that means you have to rest a lot and can't check your phone?