Colleague emotional affair - just found out that I'm the 'other woman'

[Tripizie]

I just posted this in 'chat' but I think that's the wrong section so moving it to here.

Its hard to know where to start with this. I'm new to the site and really just need to vent and get it all out and I highly doubt he'll be reading Mumsnet, so hopefully I can do so anonymously.

3 years ago, I finished university and started a grad job as a big firm. I was 21, stressed, anxious and felt incredibly out of my depth.

My manager at the time was a 27 year old man who I quickly came to rely on. He was charismatic, charming and extremely supportive. Over the time that we worked together we got closer and he would message me all day everyday on Teams about banal topics. He would ring me and we'd spend all day chatting about life and our upbringing. He asked about me and made me feel special and I loved talking to him everyday.

He then over time started texting me every evening and all day at the weekend about topics nothing to do with work. It would be photos of th lunch he was eating, or the show he was watching, or the park he was at. But it was constant.

This has been going on for 2 years and we still talk all day every day. I really fell deeply for him and thought that he just like me too, to the extent that I turned down other men who've approached me because none matched up to him.

Anyway, cut to last night. He asked me for a drink with him and some of his friends. I went and his friends started asking about his girlfriend. They've been together for over 2 years and are about to buy a house together.

He has outright lied to me this whole time about her. He told me he spent Christmas alone but he was actually with her. He said he went on holiday with 'a friend' but it was with her. He told me he was buying a house for 'me and my cat' - aka no mention of the girlfriend.

I was and still am devestated. I'm angry I've wasted all this time on him and that he's lied to me. I feel awful for his poor girlfriend. I'm still trying to cut off my feelings for him and I've been ingnoring his messages this morning, but we still work together so it will be tricky.

Anyway I'm not sure what I wanted to get out of this but thank you for reading this far. I just needed to get it off my chest.

OP - you are young, so write it off and file as an experience to not be repeated.
Generally - online only relationships aren’t real and don’t go anywhere.

In your place - I’d also look for a change of scenery and look for another job. Life is too short

@spotcheck

He's a snake.

I would reply to his text by saying 'Congratulations on the new girlfriend- it would be lovely to meet her sometime :) '

I bet he either takes a giant step back, or starts getting slippery and saying that it just got serious, or that she has some sort of control over him. Or, if he is really a shit and trying his luck, he'll say he wishes she was like you in some way.

Ignore most of his messages. When you do reply, include his girlfriend- ie- 'I had a great evening, thanks. What did you and girlfriend get up to?" Do this every time.
Ugh. Men like this.....

Fucksake.

Sure ... ramp up the workplace drama with gameplaying.

Thankfully, OP sounds level headed & I'm sure won't compromise her dignity or professional life by doing any of this shit.

OP you are not an idiot, but you have been far too trusting and available.

But now you know so you can begin to pick up the pieces. Start by knocking all the extra curricular communications on the head. Answer nothing that isn't work related within working hours. And maintain your dignity. Even if you go home and cry yourself to sleep, don't give him the satisfaction of seeing your upset.

A hard but useful lesson to learn early on in your working life: good boundaries at work are vital!

I learned that the hard way too.

Don’t waste your time and attention at work on flirting / your love life.

What a maggot. So sorry OP, but please don't give him the benefit of the doubt. How could anyone accidentally forget to mention a girlfriend they are buying a house with? He's done this to you because he gets off on the attention, and maybe the power trip of doing it behind gf's back - but if caught he can hand on heart say nothing happened.
I agree with the pp who suspects you aren't the first person he's done this to - and that's why his friends made him squirm on the night out. They wanted you to know.

How is he managing to text and call you all day every day? Where is the girlfriend?

I think he has form for this and the friend felt sorry for you being led on by this man. He probably preys on bright eyed young graduates.
He was using you for an ego boost and in two years he never mentioned the girlfriend? That was not an accident omission of irrelevant information and you know it.

Keep your dignity. Don't have tearful confrontations. Go cry in the Ladies if you have to. I wouldn't dream of telling the girlfriend as after all nothing much happened, did it? You want to keep your job for now even if you might want to consider a transfer or secondment or something to reduce your time with this man. Keep all communication strictly business like in future though you can from time to time mention his girlfriend to keep him reminded of his "taken" status. He really is a pathetic man. Don't turn down any dates and for heaven's sake don't spend any more years waiting for a man to ask you out.

By the way, it is entirely inappropriate for your manager to behave this way with a new graduate or indeed anybody who reports to him. It is a blurring of lines that he should have avoided and, if he didn't you should have. In such circumstances, drop a mention of your boyfriend into the conversation. It doesn't matter if you don't have one, just keep everything vague. ( I even once invented a fiancé when I had an over attentive client. ) I am friendly with my team members but I would never ever have that kind of closeness with constant texting every evening and all day at the weekend about non-work topics.

You turned down men you liked incase he asked you out?

A man who have known 3 years and who has never asked you out.

I get you feel let down, but that because you built this up and assumed.

There are always men in workplace situations (and women too) who enjoy having nice work colleagues as an ego massaging distraction— makes the day go quicker!! Secret is spotting them OP. Unless someone actually asks you and makes it quite clear they are available for a relationship —-then presume they are ‘one of these types’

Sorry for your troubles. I have met many a man like this in work places. They seem to deliberately hide the fact they have a partner. It's only by accident you discover it by asking colleagues. They cultivate the 'poor me' single lonely bloke man of mystery story about themselves while wifey is at home. Sorry your feelings are hurt, however it's not the first time you'll meet men like that.

I know how easy it is to get hoodwinked but you went 2 years and he didn't ask you out? I wouldn't of held out for that long. He asked you out with another couple, I bet they felt so awkward too and had to bring the girlfriend up to spare your feelings in the long run!

I don’t know, it’s a weird one. Perhaps, just perhaps he has actually developed deeper feelings for you than he ever intended or realised himself. Maybe you aren’t just an ego boost for him? People do fall in love, all the time, and that includes people in committed relationships. He hasn’t actually made a move on you physically has he? So in his mind he’s not cheated on his girlfriend.

People are complex, this sounds like a shade of grey to me. I think he’s possibly fallen in love with you. He knows it’s not ideal, maybe his feelings for you are stronger than you think. Why don’t you have it out with him in an open honest dialogue. Now is the time to question him about his intent towards you. I don’t think he’s all to blame here tbh

By that I don’t mean you are to blame but saying you were just an ego boost for him - I don’t think from your posts and the intensity of the frequent contact that’s the most likely scenario. It’s more indicative of a deeper attachment

I know it sounds ridiculous.

From my perspective at the time though, I thought that it must be because he was my manager and that he was waiting to ask me out once he wasn't anymore.

He stopped being my manager after a year and then he was telling me he was applying for jobs outside our company, so I thought that he was waiting to ask me out once we were no longer colleagues.

Stupid, I know. I won't be making this mistake again.

You have been naive but it's a lesson worth learning and thank goodness you met his friends

No point beating yourself up. The man is a wanker and not at all who you thought he was.

Avoid at work, block on phone and SM and move on with your life... which will be way way better now he's out of it

I had a really similar situation back when I was probably the same age as you OP. 'My guy' was very open about the fact that he was married, but like you, we had lunch together every day, texted all the time, would speak over the weekend about non-related work etc. I truly thought he was biding his time before he declared his undying love for me. Well, that obviously never happened, and anytime we were in a situation where something could happen, he would get all squirmy and couldn't get away quick enough!! I think these men just enjoy the knowledge and power that they can get a girl to fall for them, but have no intention of following through. Now I just look back and feel sorry for his poor wife. You will be fine.

@Tripizie

I know it sounds ridiculous.

From my perspective at the time though, I thought that it must be because he was my manager and that he was waiting to ask me out once he wasn't anymore.

He stopped being my manager after a year and then he was telling me he was applying for jobs outside our company, so I thought that he was waiting to ask me out once we were no longer colleagues.

Stupid, I know. I won't be making this mistake again.

I read your OP and wondered why you'd never discussed your relationship openly and explicitly stated where you both stand. You allowed all that to go unsaid based on an assumption. This is a hard lesson but you must be more forthright in the future and demand more of the men you're interested in. Placidly, passively waiting and waiting without so much as a discussion meant you were an easy doormat. I'm sorry

I don't think you're stupid. The "will they, won't they?" thing can be pretty intoxicating, and you believed it was because he was your manager that he was taking his time. Most of us learn the hard way that some men are dishonest dickheads.
I wouldn't text him mentioning his girlfriend. I can imagine he's one of those men who thrives on the drama of being wanted by two women, and knowing you liked him enough to be hurt. Don't let him know how upset you are. Your dignity will help carry you through this. Don't let him pull you into a highly-charged situation. If he starts messaging asking why you're ignoring/acting cold/being more distant, don't allow yourself to be pulled into explaining yourself and accusing him. They enjoy it - they want to know they made an impression. Don't give him the satisfaction.

There are definitely some blurred messages going on and it’s entirely his fault. Yes I think it probably has been that he has enjoyed the attention, adoration and power over you. It’s time for you to reassert your boundaries. Since you work together I would avoid a scorched earth approach but maybe say you have recently started dating and while you value the friendship and support he’s provided over the past couple of years you think it’s time to introduce some boundaries in personal time so that people don’t get the wrong idea. Basically a fuck off message without directly saying that. For you I would get the idealised version you have of him out of your head - any new person you meet is miles ahead of him as they haven’t lied to you.

Oh OP, I am very sorry.

I absolutely would not comment on the girlfriend to him, just ignore it, pull back, don’t explain or engage and get on with your life. He likes the idea of running two women at once, so don’t give him the satisfaction of thinking he has two women.

Don’t beat yourself up about this. But do think about how it happened. Primarily it’s because he’s a dick, but it’s also because you adopted a passive role - waiting and wanting for him to decide when your relationship would become romantic.

Going forward, make sure you are in the driving seat of your life, that you tell people what you want, and move on if you aren’t getting what you need. This is a nasty experience, but if it teaches you that, you’ve at least got something out of it.

Rookie mistake. Offices are full of these men who do this. In his mind he has done nothing wrong. I bet all young women fall for this at least once.

If you make yourself a policy of never dating co-workers, then you avoid these situations. Men will ALWAYS flirt with you in the office - you are together 40+ hours a week looking your best - it's inevitable.

But in your mind if it is shut down from the outset, then you don't get wrapped up in it.

You are going to be so much more prepared the next time this happens (and there will be a next time!).

Op, you aren’t an idiot AT ALL. You sound like an honest, decent, trusting person. You thought the best of him and you’ve been badly disappointed. But, don’t let him change you. Learn the lesson that sometimes, people aren’t what they seem, but still, always look for the good. He is a cold hearted, deceitful mean bastard and I would bet his bloody girlfriend has NO IDEA about the extent of his communication with you. That is on HIM. You’ve done nothing wrong here. Cut him off like a gangrenous limb and move on. He’s a turd, simply looking for an ego boost. But not everyone is like him (thank god!)

You haven't been stupid, I'm sure he has been very much aware of what he was doing. It's shit, but you seem awesome and as you say it's a lesson. Onwards and upwards as they say.

What did he make you feel that you couldn't otherwise get?

I ask because this has been two years of you building him up to something so amazing you were refusing other men even though you weren't in a relationship with him, two years of him NOT asking you out. I think if you can work out what fantasy he fulfilled, you will be better prepared for the future.

I'm sorry this happened. He's a twunt.

And I don’t agree necessarily with not dating co-workers. I met my now DH at work 17 years ago and we are still very happy!! Lots of people meet at work….but you do need to be able to weed out the ego seeking shaggers from the actual potential relationships….that comes with time and experience!