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Original poster

Why he doesn't want to marry me?

636 replies

Spinstermum · 20/01/2022 21:27

I'm trying to find a proper reasons why it's important for me to get married. He doesn't care about me reaching age of 40 feeling old . He still thinks it doesn't matter for him how old I'm as I'm still gonna look pretty in white dress. We started being friends when I was 27 years old. We have 2 kids together. We bought a house. Then our goal was to get married which never happened. At some point I wanted to go to register office and do it. He didn't want it. He wants to have a proper wedding with a music dance ect. So why it's taking him so long? He wants to propose. I really don't care any more as I've waited for such a long time I only want to be his wife and to feel complete. When I was pregnant I asked him why dont we make plans now. He said it's covid out there. It's gonna be very difficult to organise the wedding. Now he told me he wants to propose but needs to find the right moment. Ok so all those family trip, birthdays, Christmas,new year are not enough to find a perfect moment? I got feeling he is stringing me along . My thoughts are that he doesn't want to get married and all of that its just a lie. If I would know that sooner I'd never start relationship with somebody who doesn't want to get married in the end. I don't even have the same surname as my kids which is awful feeling but he doesn't care in his opinion this is not strong argument to get married. What else I can do/ say?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/02/2022 17:17

@Spinstermum

Okey so he won't propose to me and he never marry me .
Yes, that is the overwhelmingly likely case.

Which is why it's madness to not be getting yourself financially more independent as quickly as humanly possible.

Because at this stage, he could simply break up with you and you'd be left with half the equity in your home (you think) minus his ringfenced repost, plus CMS payments from him each month.

He has no legal obligation to provide anything else but you have enabled him to continue earning, saving and having enough money for his hobby throughout the course of your relationship. He's been able to do that due to the childcare you provide your shared children.

You've taken a huge risk and it would be sensible to now start behaving accordingly and get back to work, with a plan of action to become independent, rather than continuing that huge risk with a man who has shown you that he's happy to string you along.

And, importantly, who views a proposal as a reward (bleurgh) for women, something he'll give you if you stop 'nagging' (I bet he loves that word) and stop discussing... rather than decent blokes who propose because they actually want to marry the other person.

Original poster
Spinstermum · 04/02/2022 17:34

I know lots of my friends who are stay home mum's working part time as they provide childcare so they can't be doing everything equally as their partner. What's wrong with that? They are not married as well. Do u think they got documents in place but I don't do they are in better position?

OP posts:
MeSanniesareBrannies · 04/02/2022 17:38

@Spinstermum

I know lots of my friends who are stay home mum's working part time as they provide childcare so they can't be doing everything equally as their partner. What's wrong with that? They are not married as well. Do u think they got documents in place but I don't do they are in better position?
Are you trolling us? Or have you not read anything that’s been said to you 500 times on this thread?
MeSanniesareBrannies · 04/02/2022 17:39

@ProudThrilledHappy

Is this thread still going? Crikey.

Preview of the next few pages-
Op: I don’t care what you say, he loves me and wants to marry me
Posters: ok we disagree but good luck
OP: Why hasn’t he asked me to marry him still?
Posters: he doesn’t want to marry you
OP: that’s not true. He loves me. I’m totally financially secure in this relationship. This is all ok.
Posters: sure if you say so
OP: but why won’t he marry me?

@Spinstermum You’re literally about to do this. Again.

You’re not willing to listen, so please just ask MN to delete the thread and stop annoying everyone with this circular lunacy.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/02/2022 17:58

@Spinstermum

I know lots of my friends who are stay home mum's working part time as they provide childcare so they can't be doing everything equally as their partner. What's wrong with that? They are not married as well. Do u think they got documents in place but I don't do they are in better position?
If your friends are also providing free childcare to facilitate the career progression and earning potential of their partner, with no legal safeguards that reflect the associated loss of earnings, pause in career progression, lack of NI contributions and lack of pension contributions then they have been equally as naive / foolish as you unfortunately and will be in no better position than you if their partners leave them.

The fact you know lots of couples with this dynamic doesn't mean it's any healthier, happier or fairer a dynamic for the women involved.

VodselForDinner · 04/02/2022 18:28

No I don't know that. He never said to me he doesn't want to marry

And my husband has never said he wants me to clamp his balls in a vice, but I’m working off the assumption that he’d have asked me by now if he was into it.

TurquoiseDragon · 04/02/2022 18:35

@Spinstermum

I know lots of my friends who are stay home mum's working part time as they provide childcare so they can't be doing everything equally as their partner. What's wrong with that? They are not married as well. Do u think they got documents in place but I don't do they are in better position?
They probably have their heads buried in the sand, same as you.
sparkleywallpaper · 04/02/2022 20:08

This thread = wind up

1Step2Step · 06/02/2022 08:51

@Spinstermum

I know lots of my friends who are stay home mum's working part time as they provide childcare so they can't be doing everything equally as their partner. What's wrong with that? They are not married as well. Do u think they got documents in place but I don't do they are in better position?
I’m a SAHM and do everything child-related. I also don’t work. But I’m married, we share everything (joint bank accounts, joint property etc). I’m beneficiary for his life insurance. We also went to the solicitors and set up our wills and powers of attorney etc.

There’s nothing wrong with your unmarried friends putting themselves in that position if they have their eyes wide open and are happy with the arrangement. You, however have expressed unhappiness at not getting your long term partner to marry you, a large part of the issue being your financial security. You have read all the comments and you know what you need to do (try to do) to feel content.

Lifeslooser · 06/02/2022 09:02

His stringing you along. I was strung along for over 10 years…blindly believing the excuses.

Have the kids names as yours.

Butterfly44 · 06/02/2022 09:49

He hasn't said outright he doesn't want to marry you. He has told you he does and he wants a proper wedding. So your issue is not that he doesn't, it's the time it's taking.
So do what a previous poster said - ask him to marry you on Valentines. Then go from there. Why are you waiting for him to initiate? If it's a yes, set a date and start planning towards it. I understand not doing so the last couple of years but covid restrictions are going and can't be an excuse anymore.

littlebilliie · 06/02/2022 10:17

@sparkleywallpaper

This thread = wind up
I agree
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 10:27

Being married it's very important to some people and has important legal and financial benefits particularly if there are children involved, he is stringing you along Op.

lolstevelol · 06/02/2022 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 06/02/2022 11:14

@lolstevelol ‘Another example’ - where are these other examples? And where has OP stated her race or that of her partner?

VodselForDinner · 06/02/2022 11:29

@lolstevelol

this is another example of women of color who worship white men and will do anything for them and put up with anything.

@Spinstermum would you put up with all of this if it was a man from your ethnic/culture background.

Can you quote the post you’re referencing where OP states her race and also that of her boyfriend, please?
ChristmasPlanning · 06/02/2022 13:43

@Spinstermum

He can't just propose in few days because I told him and we talked. It's not going to be romantic and no wow. I will feel I pushed him to do so. He will feel under the pressure. There has to be a bit of wait until we have no those bad frustrating emotions . It has to be natural suprise. To be honest I really don't want him to propose. I would rather be planing the wedding. I'm doing it because he wants it. He knows I don't want it. I want the wedding as it's been too long.
But it's not going to be a natural surprise. He's been stringing you along that he wants it to be special, only now you're saying it won't be romantic/special.

I'm sorry to be harsh OP but I think he'll string you along knowing that it will continue to be an argument but also knowing that you wont leave

HootOwl · 07/02/2022 01:20

@hassletassle

Being married it's very important to some people and has important legal and financial benefits particularly if there are children involved, he is stringing you along Op.
Yeah... then they get married before having children together! That is not the case here.
HootOwl · 07/02/2022 01:21

@VodselForDinner

No I don't know that. He never said to me he doesn't want to marry

And my husband has never said he wants me to clamp his balls in a vice, but I’m working off the assumption that he’d have asked me by now if he was into it.

🤣🤣🤣

Quite!

MintJulia · 07/02/2022 05:58

OP, look at it another way.

Your partner comes home today. H says he has met someone he does want to marry. He is putting the house on the market. When the house is sold you get half of the small part of the house that was not covered by his parents' deposit. You and the children leave.

He pays you CMS of maybe £200 a month. You are not entitled to any of his pension or savings, neither he nor his parents can be forced to do childcare. You rent a flat with your deposit (the govt does not house you).

At that point, you need to provide full time childcare for three children, pay for a two bed flat, and feed, clothe and provide for you all. You need to pay your own pension. Even with a good salary, you will struggle. You'll be grateful for any house at that point!

So stay if you want. Go on waiting for that proposal that may or may not come.

But please, do one thing. Go back to full time working as soon as your little one is 1. Don't leave you and your children at greater risk of poverty than you already are. You owe them that.

Original poster
Spinstermum · 14/02/2022 07:13

So no he hasn't propose. Not on our holiday where he had so many opportunities. Not on my birthday. Not on Valentine's as we both are away working so it's not gonna happen either im sure. I really had hope... can't believe it.

Having kids on my name it might not be a good idea. It won't sounds nice.

OP posts:
VodselForDinner · 14/02/2022 11:58

I really had hope

Why?

ChristmasPlanning · 14/02/2022 13:55

@Spinstermum

So no he hasn't propose. Not on our holiday where he had so many opportunities. Not on my birthday. Not on Valentine's as we both are away working so it's not gonna happen either im sure. I really had hope... can't believe it. Having kids on my name it might not be a good idea. It won't sounds nice.
So what is your next step? How long are you prepared to wait & continuously be disappointed?
Original poster
Spinstermum · 14/02/2022 14:52

I'm not sure what now. He did give me a flowers for Valentine's day. My grown told me we are nice family and I'd be stupid to ruin it just because he doesn't want to marry me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spinstermum · 14/02/2022 14:52

*my friend told me

OP posts: