Why he doesn't want to marry me?

[Spinstermum]

I'm trying to find a proper reasons why it's important for me to get married. He doesn't care about me reaching age of 40 feeling old . He still thinks it doesn't matter for him how old I'm as I'm still gonna look pretty in white dress. We started being friends when I was 27 years old. We have 2 kids together. We bought a house. Then our goal was to get married which never happened. At some point I wanted to go to register office and do it. He didn't want it. He wants to have a proper wedding with a music dance ect. So why it's taking him so long? He wants to propose. I really don't care any more as I've waited for such a long time I only want to be his wife and to feel complete. When I was pregnant I asked him why dont we make plans now. He said it's covid out there. It's gonna be very difficult to organise the wedding. Now he told me he wants to propose but needs to find the right moment. Ok so all those family trip, birthdays, Christmas,new year are not enough to find a perfect moment? I got feeling he is stringing me along . My thoughts are that he doesn't want to get married and all of that its just a lie. If I would know that sooner I'd never start relationship with somebody who doesn't want to get married in the end. I don't even have the same surname as my kids which is awful feeling but he doesn't care in his opinion this is not strong argument to get married. What else I can do/ say?

@Spinstermum

We bought the house together. We both went together to the bank to sign all the documents together. Also we went to the company we got a house from and togerher we signed all the documents. So why are u saying I might not be on deeds? The deeds has a bank by the way. I'm sure 100%I signed everything and we've done it all together.

does signing bank documents which presumably refer to financial aspects, also mean that you are on the deeds? I can't remember the procedure to be honest. You just need to have certainty on that point. I don't understand why you're so reluctant to check your position ? Are you frightened to rock the boat in case he 'punishes' you?

She knows that if she pushes him then he'll say 'thats it, we're not getting married because you nag / you're never satisfied / insert whatever other misogynist insult here' and she'll then panic and back off because for some reason she wants to be with someone who has gone out of his way to keep them financially separate to her detriment and who isn't even willing to propose to her despite her making it clear she's desperate for him to.

This isn't what love looks like and I think OP knows that so knows the only way to hold on to this relationship is basically to do what he wants and hope he eventually changes his mind, with no evidence he's likely to do so whatsoever.

I can't think of much worse when it comes to relationship.

I prefer being either single or part of a genuine team where both parties are kind and loving to each other.

A shame kids are growing up witnessing this unhealthy dynamic and therefore being likely to repeat it themselves as adults.

@Spinstermum

He doesn't have anything valuable at this moment he can share with us. I said I'm going to increase my work pension so I can have the same as his. His oryginal deposit amount is his as I signed a prenup. So I protected myself. What kind of protection do u want me have? What else? The will- we are going to do together . I'm going to ask him for beneficiary.

The mortgage agreement is different to the title deed/register. You can check if your name is on the title register here. The title register is proof of ownership, not the mortgage. People can pay towards a mortgage and still not have an equal share in the property.

safe.land-search-uk.uk/jan52r

Just being on the mortgage doesn't necessarily mean you are also on the title register. Some pay own the property in their name but take on a joint mortgage with a partner.

What you should also check is if his parents are on the title deed (since they provided the deposit, they could be). If they are, it means they too will have a share of the property.

Some more information for you

www.money.co.uk/mortgages/how-do-joint-mortgages-work.htm

One of the most confusing and depressing threads I have ever read.

OP are you honestly asking if you need to cheat whilst lolling at pages and pages of great advice?

How is signing a prenup protecting you financially? It protects your boyfriend's family asset against you so you can't claim 50% on this when you separate.

Signing prenup protects him and his money his deposit NOT me. Why you can't read properly. Omg . We bought a house together. He never went with his parents. He went with me to buy a house right? They have done a check on me and him financial check if we are able to get a mortgage. They were sending letters and emails to me and him together and separately as we are owners jointly. What to not understand? Please don't tell me that his parents are jointly owners with him lol. I'm SURE CERTAIN this is my house ok. Stop asking me that stop asking me about deeds. Yes I'm on a deeds I'm on everything ok.

That's the word tittle register Thank you! Yes I'm on it. I remeber.

there was a time when I wanted to leave. He said it's not that easy as your name is on the house you own it so we would need to go through the process of taking your name off or selling a house.

well that's good news spinstermum.

@Spinstermum

That's the word tittle register Thank you! Yes I'm on it. I remeber.

If it's on the title register then that's great. I mentioned it as you kept talking about banks and mortgage agreements. That means nothing. The bank having your name down on a mortgage is not ownership. Only the title register is ownership. And people not on the mortgage can also be on the title register. So you, he and parents can all be put down as owners even if they are not on the mortgage. And people who pay a mortgage are not always on the title register. Many people get caught out because they don't understand this difference. But now you understand.

It still doesn't get you marriage, but at least you won't be homeless. Regarding marriage, you can't make him marry you. If he wanted to he would have. Your only options are to leave him and get a share of the house monies or stay unmarried with him.

You know what OP? You're ready rude to people. It's weird and unnecessary.

You speak sort of smugly when you're actually in a shitty position with a bloke who doesn't sound like he likes you very much, let alone loves or values you.

I guess you're taking your frustration out on posters on the thread you started because you can't talk to your partner about this without it starting arguments because he doesn't want to marry you therefore doesn't want to discuss any of these issues properly.

Good luck with the mental gymnastics required to paint this as anything close to a healthy, happy relationship. Lol etc.

really rude to people that was meant to say, obviously.

Christ no wonder he doesn't want to marry you. You are rude.

I can't believe this is still going. OP you seem bonkers! Why post here for advice and then get so angry and defensive when you receive so much really good advice? Were you just hoping for validation that it's all fiiiiiiine and after all this time he'll suddenly marry you and you'll live happily ever after?

Hi OP, you’ve had lots of good advice. Please also remember that he can change his will, and his named pension/ savings beneficiaries at any time, without you knowing. It’s really quick and easy to do.

Just in case anyone is reading this for advice for themselves, if you own as joint tenants then it’s unlikely you have a deed of trust (or Declaration of Trust). If you are (proper) joint tenants then you both own 50% of the property regardless of how much you each put it. Should one of you die then the deceased person’s share transfer to the survivor immediately on their death. It doesn’t become part of the deceased person’s estate and can’t be transferred to anyone else. If you have a Deed of Trust to protect his deposit (which is what you would need, not a pre-nup) then that suggests that you are co-owners of the property. That means that you may own less than 50% and you will not automatically obtain your DP’s share of the house should he die. As co-owners, your shares of the house are treated as separate entities that can be separately bequeathed ie he can leave his share to someone else who you might end up owning the house with. Wills can be drafted to permit the surviving spouse to stay in the property until they die or until they leave the property. If you are co-owners you could be in a very precarious position. Depending on how much equity is left after he gets his deposit back and the house is sold, you may end up with a few thousand pounds that won’t be enough to get you and your children somewhere to live. You could also find he leaves his share of the house to his parents/siblings.

PLEASE find out what you have signed and what the implications are. It’s highly unlikely that you signed title deeds (Transfer document that looks like a form. You would have signed your name in a box at the back of the document in Section 11) at the bank. Don’t think they could have witnessed your signatures as they would be related to the transaction but I may be wrong.

To summarise, please do some research about house buying, mortgages, wills, your personal liability for loans etc, child benefit, maintenance payments should you split, pension entitlements etc. All of this is vitally important and should definitely be taught in school. Oh and I really don’t think he has any intention of actually marrying you. You just have to decide how much you’re prepared to accept. You say that pushing for an answer from him will just make things worse but you still want to know if he’s going to marry you. You are going to remain unhappy, frustrated and angry unless you decide to take charge of your life and decide where your boundaries are.

@Lolapusht

Just in case anyone is reading this for advice for themselves, if you own as joint tenants then it’s unlikely you have a deed of trust (or Declaration of Trust). If you are (proper) joint tenants then you both own 50% of the property regardless of how much you each put it. Should one of you die then the deceased person’s share transfer to the survivor immediately on their death. It doesn’t become part of the deceased person’s estate and can’t be transferred to anyone else. If you have a Deed of Trust to protect his deposit (which is what you would need, not a pre-nup) then that suggests that you are co-owners of the property. That means that you may own less than 50% and you will not automatically obtain your DP’s share of the house should he die. As co-owners, your shares of the house are treated as separate entities that can be separately bequeathed ie he can leave his share to someone else who you might end up owning the house with. Wills can be drafted to permit the surviving spouse to stay in the property until they die or until they leave the property. If you are co-owners you could be in a very precarious position. Depending on how much equity is left after he gets his deposit back and the house is sold, you may end up with a few thousand pounds that won’t be enough to get you and your children somewhere to live. You could also find he leaves his share of the house to his parents/siblings.

PLEASE find out what you have signed and what the implications are. It’s highly unlikely that you signed title deeds (Transfer document that looks like a form. You would have signed your name in a box at the back of the document in Section 11) at the bank. Don’t think they could have witnessed your signatures as they would be related to the transaction but I may be wrong.

To summarise, please do some research about house buying, mortgages, wills, your personal liability for loans etc, child benefit, maintenance payments should you split, pension entitlements etc. All of this is vitally important and should definitely be taught in school. Oh and I really don’t think he has any intention of actually marrying you. You just have to decide how much you’re prepared to accept. You say that pushing for an answer from him will just make things worse but you still want to know if he’s going to marry you. You are going to remain unhappy, frustrated and angry unless you decide to take charge of your life and decide where your boundaries are.

Thank you. OP obviously isn’t going to listen, but I found this extremely informative.

Thanks! It says on the documents we are "joint tenants" NOT co owners. I know I will be left with less money as he is taking his deposit back. The rest of it it goes to split. I saw the form" nomination of beneficiaries" in a drawer empty not filled in. Is there any chance he had another form which he filled in as he said he put my name as a his beneficiaries? On the mortgage contract it says "the second method is to have a clause which states that atitle is to be tsken equaly, however sjould one of you die , your share of the property is not automaticaly passed to the other but passed through the state(e.g. if there's a Will in the place, your share of the estate will be transfered to the beneficiary stayted in Will). The first method is to put "survivorship clause". So we have not done any of it. I thought if we are both owners then it will pass to the other automatically if something happens. Why is that? Title of deeds we don't hold this document as our solicitor or mortgage company or bank holds it. So I can't see it. But his parents never went with us when we were buying a house. They were babyitting during that time so they couldn't sign any documents. So it's me and him owners and I have signed missives too I remeber.

On the minute of agreement I signed that the deposit will go back automatically to him. It doesn't have a name a prenup. We just saying prenup. But there's no name for it.

So I signed "minute of agrement"
"Joint title of heritable property"
There's a letter to our name from a house company saying that they have examined the Title Deeds to the property and a copy of the plan showing our property is enclosed.
Also it says I require you to confirm if you are taking the property in equal shares and if you wish the title to have a survivorship option as per the joint title form I provided.
I don't have anything else .

Well then he must have the paperwork if you don't.

So ask to see it.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Well then he must have the paperwork if you don't.

So ask to see it.

But we have all our paperwork in one place. Is there are hiding documents somewhere? Thought those documents stayed in the bank the Title Deeds. But thought we would have a copy?

Quick search. My tittle of deeds has a mortgage company not me. So I can't see it

Have you asked him to show you all the documents or not?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Have you asked him to show you all the documents or not?

Not yet