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Original poster

Why he doesn't want to marry me?

636 replies

Spinstermum · 20/01/2022 21:27

I'm trying to find a proper reasons why it's important for me to get married. He doesn't care about me reaching age of 40 feeling old . He still thinks it doesn't matter for him how old I'm as I'm still gonna look pretty in white dress. We started being friends when I was 27 years old. We have 2 kids together. We bought a house. Then our goal was to get married which never happened. At some point I wanted to go to register office and do it. He didn't want it. He wants to have a proper wedding with a music dance ect. So why it's taking him so long? He wants to propose. I really don't care any more as I've waited for such a long time I only want to be his wife and to feel complete. When I was pregnant I asked him why dont we make plans now. He said it's covid out there. It's gonna be very difficult to organise the wedding. Now he told me he wants to propose but needs to find the right moment. Ok so all those family trip, birthdays, Christmas,new year are not enough to find a perfect moment? I got feeling he is stringing me along . My thoughts are that he doesn't want to get married and all of that its just a lie. If I would know that sooner I'd never start relationship with somebody who doesn't want to get married in the end. I don't even have the same surname as my kids which is awful feeling but he doesn't care in his opinion this is not strong argument to get married. What else I can do/ say?

OP posts:

phizog · 04/02/2022 11:26

@Spinstermum

I ordered some info from land registry. They will send it to me on an email. Thanks. We had a chat about us. He said if I won't pressure him about proposal then he will do it. We are going on holiday soon so I'm giving him a chance to propose. Hope he will do it. We've talked we want small wedding and we don't want to wait long. So soon as I'm engaged I'm going to take everything in my own hands and plan thighs. It's has been too long.

If he does propose on holiday, don't let him drag his feet on holiday. If he says he is ok with small wedding, then no need for long engagement. Don't end up waiting years to get from engaged to married. And make sure you're on all the paperwork anyway - in case he delays wedding and you get fed up and want to leave.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/02/2022 13:18

We've talked we want small wedding and we don't want to wait long

Come off it. There's no 'we' in your relationship. As if he's genuinely said that he doesn't want to wait long and shared his vision for the wedding. You're kidding yourself OP!

You're on totally different pages.

And if you do get engaged (you won't) then he'll keep saying 'I'll agree to a date when you stop pressuring me' and 'there's no point updating the paperwork to safeguard you because we're going to get married one day' just as he's done about the proposal.

And you'll have another few years at least of this madness while you remain financially dependent and your kids grow up thinking this is a normal, healthy dynamic.

It isn't. At all.

Original poster

Spinstermum · 04/02/2022 14:08

You might be right. I sent him a txt to ask about going to the shop I want to chose the ring . He still haven't reply. I know he had a lunch time break at work. I can't leave. I'm hardly managing with 2 kids in daily basis with nobody's help. I won't manage it on my own. I said to him I started getting grey hair and don't like it. I won't enjoy looking like that wearing a white dress at the wedding. He said my grey hair looks cool and he likes it.

OP posts:

questionsandreplies · 04/02/2022 14:27

"I can't leave".

There is a difference between 'can't' and 'won't'.

Chilledchablis1 · 04/02/2022 14:30

I have a dear friend who waited 10 years and 2 DC before her DP would propose . Eventually he did and she waited six months for a ring . Nearly 30 years later - still no wedding .

Drinkingallthewine · 04/02/2022 14:40

I really do hope that your holiday works out the way you want it to.

What is your plan if there is no proposal on holiday?

Original poster

Spinstermum · 04/02/2022 15:10

@Drinkingallthewine

I really do hope that your holiday works out the way you want it to.

What is your plan if there is no proposal on holiday?

I think it's too soon for him to propose on those holidays. We have been ok talking ect for only few days. Holidays are in a 5 days. I feel desperate and I feel humiliating.

OP posts:

Chilledchablis1 · 04/02/2022 15:13

How can it possibly be “ too soon for him to propose “ ??

loopycurtains · 04/02/2022 15:16

@RoyKentsChestHair

The problem is that this man tells you that in order to get what you want (marriage and financial stability) you have to back off and not ask for it

The men who say this generally do so in order to buy themselves time and keep you sweet. You’ll be on your best behaviour now waiting for this proposal, and when it doesn’t come and you’re disappointed and frustrated, you’ll finally crack and ask him what’s taking so long and he can blame you because you dared to bring it up again, so the timeline gets reset until you can not mention it again.

Take back the power over your own life. Tell him you’re not interested in waiting for a proposal, you’re an adult and want to have a say in how your own life pans out. Either he does or does not want to marry you, with the commitment and security that entails, but he doesn’t get to keep you hanging on, waiting for him to bestow this great honour on you. You already have children, so pulling the “it’s tradition” card doesn’t work here. If he wants to make a big romantic gesture tell him to save it for the wedding day, when he can get down on one knee, arrange a mariachi band or do a song and dance routine. He doesn’t need to plan a “surprise” proposal because he already knows the answer - yours is yes. What’s his?

This is precisely what happened to me. He kept resetting the timeline whenever I got frustrated and spoke about it. Eventually I left him. THEN he proposed. I married him but there was so much resentment on my part that I never truly loved him after that and, unsurprisingly, the marriage didn't last. It also took until after I'd ended the marriage to realise that he was hugely controlling in so many other ways. But so subtly, I hadn't even noticed.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 04/02/2022 15:32

“I won't enjoy looking like that wearing a white dress at the wedding. He said my grey hair looks cool and he likes it.”

and

“I think it's too soon for him to propose”

These sorts of comments make me think she must be trolling us. Or on some quite impressive drugs.

Original poster

Spinstermum · 04/02/2022 15:41

He can't just propose in few days because I told him and we talked. It's not going to be romantic and no wow. I will feel I pushed him to do so. He will feel under the pressure. There has to be a bit of wait until we have no those bad frustrating emotions . It has to be natural suprise. To be honest I really don't want him to propose. I would rather be planing the wedding. I'm doing it because he wants it. He knows I don't want it. I want the wedding as it's been too long.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/02/2022 15:44

He knows I don't want it

You also know he doesn't really want to marry you. And yet here we are.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 04/02/2022 15:48

He can't just propose in few days because I told him and we talked.

Yes, he can. Or you could have had an adult conversation and adult conversation, agreed to bet married and just got married. Zero need for a proposal.

It’s not going to be romantic and no wow.

That ship has long since sailed. Grow up. Do you want romance and wow or do you want to get married?

To be honest I really don't want him to propose

Have you told him this? In those words?

I would rather be planing the wedding

Again, do you want a wedding or a marriage? They are not the same thing. The former is a one day party, the latter is a lifelong commitment that safeguards your financial future. In your situation, your focus should be on the latter.

Original poster

Spinstermum · 04/02/2022 15:49

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He knows I don't want it

You also know he doesn't really want to marry you. And yet here we are.

No I don't know that. He never said to me he doesn't want to marry. He always been saying he does wants it. Maybe he has some sort of strange way of doing things.

OP posts:

MeSanniesareBrannies · 04/02/2022 15:51

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He knows I don't want it

You also know he doesn't really want to marry you. And yet here we are.

😂😂😂

Original poster

Spinstermum · 04/02/2022 15:54

I want to be married. I'm doing this whole proposal and wedding thing for him as he wants it. I don't. I want to go to register to sign the documents. Then have a meal at the restaurant and go home. Done. He doesn't want it that way. He wants the other things.

OP posts:

ProudThrilledHappy · 04/02/2022 15:56

Is this thread still going? Crikey.

Preview of the next few pages-
Op: I don’t care what you say, he loves me and wants to marry me
Posters: ok we disagree but good luck
OP: Why hasn’t he asked me to marry him still?
Posters: he doesn’t want to marry you
OP: that’s not true. He loves me. I’m totally financially secure in this relationship. This is all ok.
Posters: sure if you say so
OP: but why won’t he marry me?

MeSanniesareBrannies · 04/02/2022 16:01

@Spinstermum

Have you said these actual words to him? Have you said ‘I do not want a proposal, I just want to go to the registrar’?

And, honestly, if he wanted to propose he’d have done it already.

Even if what he’s saying is true (it’s not), that means he values his desire for a big romantic gesture more than he values your happiness. As he’s willing to allow you to continue to be unhappy because he wants a ‘wow’ proposal. Are you happy to be with a man who places so little value on your wants? If so, why?

Original poster

Spinstermum · 04/02/2022 16:02

He wants to propose with a ring! He doesn't have a ring now . He won't have a on holidays so no proposal think. He did propose it once without the ring. Then he asked me to forget it as he wants to do it properly with a ring this time.

OP posts:

MeSanniesareBrannies · 04/02/2022 16:08

@Spinstermum

What part of what I said do you think this addresses? Which of my questions does this answer?

MeSanniesareBrannies · 04/02/2022 16:10

@ProudThrilledHappy An excellent (and prescient) summary of the next few pages. We really should just all bow out and leave her to it.

It’s like trying to have a conversation with a bowl of mince.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/02/2022 16:17

He never said to me he doesn't want to marry. He always been saying he does wants it. Maybe he has some sort of strange way of doing things.

Actions speak louder than words.

You've been together seven years.

You have a shared home.

You have two shared children.

He knows how much you desperately want to be married.

And yet in that seven years, he's chosen not to propose.

He doesn't want to marry you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/02/2022 16:18

@ProudThrilledHappy

Is this thread still going? Crikey.

This is bang on.

Original poster

Spinstermum · 04/02/2022 16:42

Okey so he won't propose to me and he never marry me .

OP posts:

MeSanniesareBrannies · 04/02/2022 16:44

Both of those things seem highly unlikely, yes.

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