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Original poster

Husband suddenly changed

385 replies

curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 10:30

Name changed for this. We have been married for 3 years perfect marriage until November when DH appeared to suddenly change.
He kept contacting a female colleague on Whatsapp messaging at all hours all uneventful crap. Near to Christmas I found out he had bought a calligraphy copy of our Wedding poem which I never received and scissors and sellotape were hidden in his car.
We went on holiday at xmas and I was gutted to read a message from her saying she missed him. I challenged him over this and we had a huge falling out with him saying I shouldn't read his phone. He then put a lock on his phone. He was really brutal towards me at the time saying i'd changed etc.
Fast forward to last night he snapped at me and said he didn't want to be with me and it's all my fault. I explained he needed to be honest about OW he again denied anything was going on.
I have been cheated on before and he knows it would break me. He's trying to make me walk isn't he so he can maintain face.
What should I do?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 31/01/2022 10:51

Given his parents are your landlords, they can agree to take you off the tenancy. Get a moving van, take your dogs and just be gone when he gets home (late) from work again.

FirstTimeSecondTime · 31/01/2022 11:39

What about packing up HIS stuff and kicking him out?

Original poster
curledupinaball · 01/02/2022 06:20

@SpatulaSpoon

Hey *@curledupinaball* how are you holding up? Xx
It's so bloody difficult. He still isn't admitting to the affair. I'm still in the house collecting the evidence I need. Trouble is if I leave his wealthy parents will side with him and I'll be screwed but if I wait for him to trip up (which he will, he isn't that bright) it will be easier. My Mum is propping me up. Totally against my nature but I want to punch the OW silly little airhead. He was the one person I thought I could always rely on and he has betrayed me.
OP posts:
Original poster
curledupinaball · 01/02/2022 22:30

So tonight he got in at 8pm!!!!! I know! My fault of course Dinner was late, hence another mood swing!

OP posts:
Marvellousmadness · 02/02/2022 05:39

He doesn't need to admit
You already know what he is doing
Or more brutal: who he is doing

Keep your dignity
Leave

You are worth so much more.
You only have one life. Stop waisting precious time with a man who seduced another woman with your wedding poem. Just.. go!

pollygartertidywife · 02/02/2022 06:42

I have followed your post since the beginning. I have to say that at the beginning I understood your reason to stay but now it's just bizarre. What on Earth are you hoping to uncover more than you already know ?

How are you still living with him ? Sleeping with him ? Chatting with him during the evening/weekends .

What difference will his wealthy parents siding with him' make. ? You don't own a property together. All you have are marital assets from a very short marriage and no children. How do you see yourself being 'financially screwed' if you leave without his admission or the 'evidence' you are gathering. ?

As far as I can see - based on the circumstances you have posted. You could uncover a pile of signed letters between the two of them accompanied by video evidence and you would end up in no different a position than you would be in if you left now.
No entitlement to spousal maintenance as you are young and can earn your own money.
No equity in the house to argue over as you rent.
Married 3 years. No kids.
Clean break with each leaving with what they bought in when you married.

Where do you anticipate a financial improvement if he were to admit it ?

Most important.. you say if you have proof 'it will be easier' ??? How so . ?

PinotPony · 02/02/2022 07:01

I don't understand why you're still there. You don't need evidence or an admission in order to leave. You know the marriage is over. Just go.

Whydidimarryhim · 02/02/2022 07:03

Hi op sorry you are going through this. What a bastard. Are you doing the pick me dance? Google grey rock too - why are you cooking for the twunt-=can you not go out in the evenings - when he comes in - go out - join the gym - meet up - see friends - start developing a life away from him - I know that won’t be easy - and tell him if he’s not happy he can leave.

Velvian · 02/02/2022 07:05

Book your self some furniture storage and a rent a van. Take the furniture you have bought and store it. Drive yourself and the dogs to your mums. You can do it. Would your mum or any siblings or friends come to help you?

You need to get out ASAP so that you can start to recover from your H's betrayal. I agree with others that waiting for evidence will achieve nothing.

Morgan12 · 02/02/2022 07:07

What evidence do you think you will get?

newbiename · 02/02/2022 07:07

Another one who doesn't understand why you're staying unless you want to save the marriage ?
You know he's having an affair why do you need proof ? Even if he denies it , he'll know it's true.
How will his parents screw you financially ?
You have your own money.

anon12345678901 · 02/02/2022 07:10

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's horrible being cheated on. His wealthy parents shouldn't come into this however, I doubt they will help you financially. As another poster pointed out you won't get spousal maintenance, nor anything from the house. It would just simply be a case that you move out. So you either choose to leave or you continue to stay, believing he's cheating. Evidence really doesn't matter, yes you can use it to show he had an affair, but that doesn't make you entitled to anything financially, if that's what you're thinking.

Original poster
curledupinaball · 02/02/2022 07:18

@PinotPony

I don't understand why you're still there. You don't need evidence or an admission in order to leave. You know the marriage is over. Just go.
I'm not after maintenance. It's just my work is here and family are up North. I think the trouble is we had the perfect marriage until November and I'm mourning the loss of it. I'm not young either I'm 52
OP posts:
anon12345678901 · 02/02/2022 07:42

@Whydidimarryhim

Hi op sorry you are going through this. What a bastard. Are you doing the pick me dance? Google grey rock too - why are you cooking for the twunt-=can you not go out in the evenings - when he comes in - go out - join the gym - meet up - see friends - start developing a life away from him - I know that won’t be easy - and tell him if he’s not happy he can leave.
It's his parents house. They could ask OP to leave at any time and I doubt they'll let OP stay over their son.
Lux523 · 02/02/2022 08:28

Does anyone else think this is almost like a bad novel?

OP, if you are genuine, get off MN, find your dignity and leave. Your posts read like a bad desperate housewife desperately plotting, something!

Ariela · 02/02/2022 08:31

I suspect OP is waiting for him to slip up and be caught in the act - and that could easily happen because he's not the brightest star in the sky.

Say OP went to visit her mum (who perhaps has been poorly), and comes back unannounced (and armed with camera) very early eg first thing in the morning or a day or two early, she might find OW in her bed.

stripeyflowers · 02/02/2022 08:43

@pollygartertidywife

I have followed your post since the beginning. I have to say that at the beginning I understood your reason to stay but now it's just bizarre. What on Earth are you hoping to uncover more than you already know ?

How are you still living with him ? Sleeping with him ? Chatting with him during the evening/weekends .

What difference will his wealthy parents siding with him' make. ? You don't own a property together. All you have are marital assets from a very short marriage and no children. How do you see yourself being 'financially screwed' if you leave without his admission or the 'evidence' you are gathering. ?

As far as I can see - based on the circumstances you have posted. You could uncover a pile of signed letters between the two of them accompanied by video evidence and you would end up in no different a position than you would be in if you left now.
No entitlement to spousal maintenance as you are young and can earn your own money.
No equity in the house to argue over as you rent.
Married 3 years. No kids.
Clean break with each leaving with what they bought in when you married.

Where do you anticipate a financial improvement if he were to admit it ?

Most important.. you say if you have proof 'it will be easier' ??? How so . ?

This.

OP it seems like you're now really just finding reasons to just hang on.
From what you've said, financially and support wise you are in an excellent position to leave unlike some people who have literally nothing and no one plus children to care for on top - not that it's a competition.

pollygartertidywife · 02/02/2022 09:48

@Ariela

I suspect OP is waiting for him to slip up and be caught in the act - and that could easily happen because he's not the brightest star in the sky.

Say OP went to visit her mum (who perhaps has been poorly), and comes back unannounced (and armed with camera) very early eg first thing in the morning or a day or two early, she might find OW in her bed.

But what would that achieve? It wouldn't get her a better or worse divorce. If she did catch him at it - then that would be traumatic. If she didn't then would be no further forward.

I honestly believe there would be only one reason to stay and that would be in order to have an honest conversation with your husband.
Stop all the drama and searching for evidence when there is no gain to be had. Instead sit him down this evening and tell him you know he is having an affair. He can deny it all he likes it's irrelevant. Tell him you know and (a) he needs to stop. Then without telling him organise a removal lorry, rent a house near your mother , pack up your dogs and leave. OR b) tell him you are prepared to forgive him if he stops and you want to repair your marriage if he wants to. (Forgiving an affair is very unpopular on MN but surprisingly common in the real world and a valid choice) Obviously If he says no. Then you leave as above.

Those are your two options. No amount of emails or other documentation 'evidence' will change that.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 02/02/2022 10:51

If it's for work, you can afford to rent something whilst you sort yourself out.
Being stressed about him being late for dinner at this stage sounds mute.
For your sanity, leave him.

2DogsOnMySofa · 02/02/2022 11:00

But what would that achieve? It wouldn't get her a better or worse divorce. If she did catch him at it -
then that would be traumatic. If she didn't then would be no further forward

You're right in what you say, but there is something reassuring when you've got concrete proof. A lot of people will only ever admit to what you can prove. He is likely to paint himself the victim and her unhinged without proof. I was the same, I needed rock solid proof as I knew my ex would deny until blue in the face and use this against me. I'd be painted a loon for destroying a family with my jealously. As it happened I did get proof, he ended up being very sorry, he moved out and we were able to have a slightly less turbulent divorce. If I didn't have that proof he'd have refused to move out and dig his heels in everywhere

TheBoreOfHabilon · 02/02/2022 11:13

So he's denying an affair but did you ask him about the poem?

Magda72 · 02/02/2022 11:28

@curledupinaball I haven't read through all this thread but this is exactly what happened with my exh & I. He has never admitted to the affair(s) but the dogs in the street know.
He basically denied everything while blaming me for having changed and pushed me to a point of kicking him out. This type of personality is incapable of admitting wrongdoing & you are fighting a loosing battle trying to get the truth out of them.
I have 3 dc with exh and can coparent quite well with him now due to the huge amount of therapy I've had. I also have come to realise that his behaviour had virtually nothing to do with me - he's a narcissistic and as such will always need a fresh hit of attention.
My advice?
Take your savings & your dogs & make a fresh start. Trust me you will have a much calmer & happier life.

Original poster
curledupinaball · 02/02/2022 12:43

@2DogsOnMySofa

*But what would that achieve? It wouldn't get her a better or worse divorce. If she did catch him at it - then that would be traumatic. If she didn't then would be no further forward*

You're right in what you say, but there is something reassuring when you've got concrete proof. A lot of people will only ever admit to what you can prove. He is likely to paint himself the victim and her unhinged without proof. I was the same, I needed rock solid proof as I knew my ex would deny until blue in the face and use this against me. I'd be painted a loon for destroying a family with my jealously. As it happened I did get proof, he ended up being very sorry, he moved out and we were able to have a slightly less turbulent divorce. If I didn't have that proof he'd have refused to move out and dig his heels in everywhere

👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻 you've put into words exactly
OP posts:
anon12345678901 · 02/02/2022 16:47

If all you want is to get solid proof, I'd be making sure you're saving and looking around for properties you could move into. Because once you do get proof, it will be you moving out and he might try and rush you. Make sure you have all your ducks in a row.

grapewine · 02/02/2022 16:51

@anon12345678901

If all you want is to get solid proof, I'd be making sure you're saving and looking around for properties you could move into. Because once you do get proof, it will be you moving out and he might try and rush you. Make sure you have all your ducks in a row.
This.

Besides, he's just taking the piss now. How you manage to deal with staying there is beyond me. As for the OW, she's not your problem. She never promised you anything, and he probably lied to her too. Focus on getting out of there before his parents take the choice out of your hands.