Husband suddenly changed

[curledupinaball]

Name changed for this. We have been married for 3 years perfect marriage until November when DH appeared to suddenly change.
He kept contacting a female colleague on Whatsapp messaging at all hours all uneventful crap. Near to Christmas I found out he had bought a calligraphy copy of our Wedding poem which I never received and scissors and sellotape were hidden in his car.
We went on holiday at xmas and I was gutted to read a message from her saying she missed him. I challenged him over this and we had a huge falling out with him saying I shouldn't read his phone. He then put a lock on his phone. He was really brutal towards me at the time saying i'd changed etc.
Fast forward to last night he snapped at me and said he didn't want to be with me and it's all my fault. I explained he needed to be honest about OW he again denied anything was going on.
I have been cheated on before and he knows it would break me. He's trying to make me walk isn't he so he can maintain face.
What should I do?

@Tailsyflugbun

Same here OP. I didn't look at my ex's phone for over 30 years. In actual fact we were an item before mobile phones were even a thing. Then there's something about their behaviour which is off and you have to suddenly start looking through their devices because they won't tell you what's going on. I surprised myself how much I learned about technology in a very short space of time. Necessity is the mother of invention.

Exactly. His behaviour changed and you find yourself looking for evidence. I hate being a suspicious person

OP. See how they change you ? It's one of the many things which comes out of infidelity which the cheater never even considers.

I can tell you that this won't change you permanently. You won't end up being a suspicious person. But it might last a while. Yes you hate being like that at the moment but you just need to accept that this is your brain operating in self-preservation mode now. Just accept it, work through it and it will slowly fade. I hope you find answers and resolution quickly.

I am so angry on your behalf. The fact that is so blatant about his affair but continues to gaslight and lie is infuriating. He must think you're a total fool.
Divorce him and rinse him dry. She won't want him when he's got nothing.

What I don’t understand is why you need to keep looking for evidence about what he is up to and getting annoyed with the OW.

You have all the evidence you need already, you don’t need to prove to him or the world he is cheating, you know it, absolutely know it, and that is more than enough.

Now, get the hell out of there before you become so distrusting you cannot trust a man again. You need your heart in one piece to be able to rebuild your life, don’t destroy it staying put.

Sounds like he is making a complete arse of himself OP. You have the moral high ground as it is. No need to try and get it….you have it. And he bloody knows it.

He is now going to have to justify his behaviour by making out that your relationship wasn’t right all along and that he has found hope elsewhere. It’s all crap of course but he will need to do this otherwise he is going to look even more of a bellend.

I agree with previous poster in that you will become highly suspicious of everything and you will torture yourself. Please think about how you can give yourself a break from this. Checking his emails and whereabouts will become an obsession if you let it and will exhaust you. Please find a way of looking after yourself at this time.

Agree, take copies of what you need for proof and for any financial details. Given a short marriage and no big assets or kids it will be an easy clean break so just go. Staying longer now will do you no good in any respect. Go to your mums and get some space.

What is his financial position? Do you have joint savings etc? Does he have his own savings/inheritance etc? If so, how much?

He is 100% shagging her. Tell his parents you are leaving and he will be sorting the rent out, get the dogs and go to your mums if possible until you sort your own place out.

You have some cash behind you and no ties to this loser.

When you feel more settled send other woman a text saying I hope you liked my wedding poem, you are welcome to him! You might find she's been feeding him a fuck load of lies about you, she might even think you are separating etc.

Other way round sorry, he's been feeding HER
Lies about you

Hello how are things going ?

Hope you are ok x

@RuthTopp

Hello how are things going ?

Awful I just cannot stop crying

What's happened? Is he still denying everything?

He's the shit, please just love yourself WHY would you want him?

Honestly OP, pack a bag and go! Don't put yourself through this, forget what's on his phone or his laptop or what he's up to as it'll just crush your self esteem. Fuck him, he's made you feel rubbish and you deserve better, no kids, no joint assets means practically it will be easy. Emotionally I understand that it's much harder but it'll be worth it in the end

Awful I just cannot stop crying

@curledupinaball

This is absolutely a normal reaction and we do have to feel what we feel. The hard part is not letting those feelings 'paralyze' you. I think you'll find that if you continue to move forward bit by bit you will be able to conquer your tears. It's hard but not impossible.

Just read this thread, I am so sorry op.

Are you any closer to leaving?

Sorry to hear that. Are you still speaking with someone ( I think your mum ? )

My Mum is supporting me, he is being an arse I just need to bide my time to get the evidence I need as I think his Mum will go into vicious mode so I need the evidence etc particularly in regards to my dogs. So difficult though. The support on here is helping

Op you need to find your anger, it does help, How dare he treat you like this. Arrange for your furniture to be moved out, to storage if necessary, make his life bloody uncomfortable.

@curledupinaball

My Mum is supporting me, he is being an arse I just need to bide my time to get the evidence I need as I think his Mum will go into vicious mode so I need the evidence etc particularly in regards to my dogs. So difficult though. The support on here is helping

You must do what feels right to you and I'm not criticizing, but what and why do you need to prove anything to his mother?

I don't think you're planning to try and stay in the house you're renting from them. You have no kids so once you leave you never need to see her again. Is that that you're worried you may have to leave the dogs or important possessions behind and she won't let you into the house to retrieve them? You're married to the man, wouldn't it will be a matter for the courts if you aren't granted access to retrieve possessions?

Shoot, I never spoke one word to my exMiL after I booted my exH out. I didn't owe her any explanation and didn't care what he told her because I knew I'd never see her again. She was a nice person, but that part of my life was OVER and I didn't want bits of it hanging to my shoes.

You have the evidence you need

You know what you know.

It doesn't matter what you throw at his mother in terms of 'proof' - she will take his side. In a way, the more evidence you have, the more outrageous her denial will be, and the more frustrating that will be for you. You won't win this one and I think you will end up being even more hurt, so don't worry about trying to win her round to seeing the truth. It's not worth your effort and she sounds toxic and vile anyway.

In the same way, you don't need any more proof with your H either. If anyone - including him - tries to tell you that you are being 'paranoid' or 'over reacting' or tries to blindside you with ridiculous stories that explain away the behaviour just repeat

"I love you. I married you. I was committed to a lifetime of us. I would not throw my marriage away over paranoia. Ending this is nothing but painful for me. Painful and humiliating. So unless you want me to lose the lass shred of respect I have for you, please stop insulting my intelligence and my integrity. Own what you did and bear the consequences just as I have to".

Rinse and repeat variations of this to him/his mother/any other fucker who tries to manipulate you.

I took my dogs when I left in a similar situation to you. I was worried that he might have a claim on them but actually was reassured by my solicitor. I took them with me. They stayed with me. He didn’t have any rights over them as it turned out.

Please don’t let him threaten to take the dogs from you. If he does that then just take them and go. I can pretty much guarantee that once you have gone he won’t do anything about the dogs…although he may threaten to do so as he knows that is your vulnerable spot.

Give yourself the space you need right now. If you and him work things out in the future then so be it. But for now, look after yourself and your dogs as you won’t recognise the man in front of you.

💐 for you.

At the end of the day, gathering the doggies and going somewhere else with only mentioning that you need time to yourself isn’t a huge deal.

Step by step. You probably recognize that time to be out of a situation gives you a better viewpoint. I’d not tell him that.

When he is gone and you’ve made your arrangements go. You don’t have to say how long or anything. He doesn’t deserve your explanation.

I disagree you should over trying contact the other woman. It’s a type of behavior that will only bolster his value in her eyes and to be frank your motivation wouldn’t be to save her, but to hurt him.. don’t do it.

I have been massively cheated on so I say this with love. I’ll send support however you need it. Just like everyone here.

But if he’s allowed and justified the freedom to text and do as he pleases, you are justified the right to go to a hotel, parents, friends, and away to do some thinking.

Lastly, sorry to be cruel but I feel it should be said…. You might not have been the first to be given that poem that meant so much… he seems to have his go to pattern. It is not yours as a couple if it is not shared with you both. Much like the fidelity and committed it was meant to represent.

Just pack up however is good for you and leave without warning. O goodbye no nothing. You need to feel your power as an individual. There is literally nothing to lose.

Hey @curledupinaball how are you holding up? Xx