Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband suddenly changed

385 replies

curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 10:30

Name changed for this. We have been married for 3 years perfect marriage until November when DH appeared to suddenly change.
He kept contacting a female colleague on Whatsapp messaging at all hours all uneventful crap. Near to Christmas I found out he had bought a calligraphy copy of our Wedding poem which I never received and scissors and sellotape were hidden in his car.
We went on holiday at xmas and I was gutted to read a message from her saying she missed him. I challenged him over this and we had a huge falling out with him saying I shouldn't read his phone. He then put a lock on his phone. He was really brutal towards me at the time saying i'd changed etc.
Fast forward to last night he snapped at me and said he didn't want to be with me and it's all my fault. I explained he needed to be honest about OW he again denied anything was going on.
I have been cheated on before and he knows it would break me. He's trying to make me walk isn't he so he can maintain face.
What should I do?

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 18/01/2022 11:01

Because when desire ends, true character is revealed.

I've had exes behave awfully at break up time and others who for months and years have stayed kind, generous and helpful.

The person you're seeing now is the real.him.

thingymaboob · 18/01/2022 11:17

How is it going today OP?
Have you spoken to him?
What an absolute bellend.

Balonziaga · 18/01/2022 11:41

@curledupinaball

Why is he being so brutal to me?
Because in order to justify his behaviour to himself, he has to cast you as the enemy
Original poster
curledupinaball · 18/01/2022 12:43

@thingymaboob

How is it going today OP? Have you spoken to him? What an absolute bellend.
Having a real low day today and struggling
OP posts:
SocialConnection · 18/01/2022 13:12

There is a current thread here called 'husband says he's miserable in our marriage', which I really recommend. It's long, and is full of valuable advice. All the best to you

Bowwowwowoh · 18/01/2022 13:26

@curledupinaball sorry to read that you are having a low day today. Just know that it will improve. It will go in cycles though.

Angrybird123 · 18/01/2022 13:35

hang in there - you'll have days where you really feel strong and angry and "fuck him" and others where you feel sick and wobbly and don;t want to face anyone. Try and eat and drink, soup, toast, easy stuff. Warm baths. This is a massive blow to your system so take care of yourself and PLEASE get real life support now. Is he still in the house with you? My ex had the nerve to do "faux concern" over my lack of eating and losing a stone in 2 weeks. Dickhead.

Original poster
curledupinaball · 18/01/2022 14:43

@Angrybird123

hang in there - you'll have days where you really feel strong and angry and "fuck him" and others where you feel sick and wobbly and don;t want to face anyone. Try and eat and drink, soup, toast, easy stuff. Warm baths. This is a massive blow to your system so take care of yourself and PLEASE get real life support now. Is he still in the house with you? My ex had the nerve to do "faux concern" over my lack of eating and losing a stone in 2 weeks. Dickhead.
Today is definitely a sick and wobbly day.
OP posts:
backtolifebacktoreality · 18/01/2022 14:46

@MysticPeg1

No kids.. Then it's easy. Go.

Make him go!

backtolifebacktoreality · 18/01/2022 14:49

Apologies, ignore my last message, as I've just seen that you rent from his parents!

AcrossthePond55 · 18/01/2022 14:55

Remember that 'weeping endureth for the night (or day) but joy cometh in the morning'. This is all new and dark days will come and go. Better to 'feel your feelings' than try to deny them. Feel but don't wallow, acknowledge, then take a deep breath and move forward despite them.

You can do this. And yes, get outside support. Don't try to do this on your own. Pick just one person you can trust to keep your confidence, and tell them.

Jk24 · 18/01/2022 15:06

I really feel for you op. What a bastard you married. If only true colours were shown before hand. Stay strong Flowers

Original poster
curledupinaball · 18/01/2022 15:08

@AcrossthePond55

Remember that 'weeping endureth for the night (or day) but joy cometh in the morning'. This is all new and dark days will come and go. Better to 'feel your feelings' than try to deny them. Feel but don't wallow, acknowledge, then take a deep breath and move forward despite them.

You can do this. And yes, get outside support. Don't try to do this on your own. Pick just one person you can trust to keep your confidence, and tell them.

My Mum is supporting me but we live a distance apart. She is at the end of a text or phonecall
OP posts:
Original poster
curledupinaball · 18/01/2022 15:10

@SocialConnection

There is a current thread here called 'husband says he's miserable in our marriage', which I really recommend. It's long, and is full of valuable advice. All the best to you
Have started reading this thread. It sounds such a similar situation
OP posts:
notthatonethisone · 18/01/2022 16:23

Just wanted to say hang on in there.

I don't have much advice. Just echoing look after yourself. It will feel shit. And I'm so sorry you're going through this

I don't know if it helps but I had some dark days during the break up of my marriage. This was two years ago. And if you'd told me how happy I'd be by now I wouldn't have believed you.

It will get easier. There is light at the end of the tunnel. One day you will look back and wonder why you even bothered wasting energy thinking about your frankly abusive partner

You are worth more than this. You are strong. And you will get through this. We're all here for you Thanks

Original poster
curledupinaball · 18/01/2022 16:34

@notthatonethisone

Just wanted to say hang on in there.

I don't have much advice. Just echoing look after yourself. It will feel shit. And I'm so sorry you're going through this

I don't know if it helps but I had some dark days during the break up of my marriage. This was two years ago. And if you'd told me how happy I'd be by now I wouldn't have believed you.

It will get easier. There is light at the end of the tunnel. One day you will look back and wonder why you even bothered wasting energy thinking about your frankly abusive partner

You are worth more than this. You are strong. And you will get through this. We're all here for you Thanks

Thankfully this forum is helping massively. I'm so hurt by the fact someone who is supposed to love and care for me can make me feel at times suicidal
OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 18/01/2022 16:50

When there was great turmoil in my life I was advised to be still.
Do all the things you need to do to get through each day, but dont project what might happen, what might have been. Be still, deal with the now, this day, this hour, this minute. Find a quiet moment when you can just take deep breaths, stretch your arms and legs, wriggle your fingers and toes, just feel that and that alone for that moment. Drink a big glass of water as slowly as you can...just taste the water... dont think.
I know it sounds daft... but it really helped me... like a time out..
Take care of yourself.. this will pass... your future, in peace and calm, awaits... you will get there.

HugeAckmansWife · 18/01/2022 16:52

it is that that makes it so much worse. if someone else was making you feel this way, you'd turn to him for support, to have your back. So its sort of a double whammy. Can you take some leave from work and just go to your mums? If you rent from his parents you'll be moving out at some point so its not like the "stay in the house" situations you sometimes get. As for the other thread being similar, I could point you to dozens and dozens of near identical threads I'm afraid. That's the sad thing - they all think they are so special and unique and justified because its luuuurve, when actually they're just another sad little man who ran after the new shiny thing when normal life got boring. A sad, pathetic cliche. And they may or may not stay together - sometimes it works out but mostly not. It doesn't matter though. From now, its irrelevant what happens with him / them. He's treated you so appallingly you are more than entitled to pack up and go. Remember, do not listen to anything from him re divorce legalities, get independent advice.

RobinsReliant · 18/01/2022 19:07

Agree with previous poster about just getting through the here and now. And remember this is the drama he has created. He has drawn you in by virtue of being your husband but don’t let yourself be absorbed by it. Something clicked for me one day when I realised my calm, quiet life had been transformed into an unwanted soap opera because of HIM. How bloody dare he! I decided at that point that if he wanted the drama he was welcome to it but I wasn’t going to be part of it. (He actually didn’t want the drama at all so being left alone with it was not something he relished). Let him deal with the mess he has created. Live your best life and let him see you as a serene figure of calm. Sob to your friends and family. Run, walk, go to the gym to march it out.

You are still you. And his drama is not yours. It’s his problem to solve.

Original poster
curledupinaball · 18/01/2022 19:09

....and he's late home from work again!

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 18/01/2022 19:34

I know this is tough Op but when you are feeling upset remember that you have the upper hand here, you know what he is up to and are able to plan and prepare. He won’t know what hit him when you are finally able to expose him.

Original poster
curledupinaball · 18/01/2022 19:38

He has just got in, gone up to get changed and I can see he's on bloody Whatsapp

OP posts:
Pfbing · 18/01/2022 19:40

@curledupinaball

....and he's late home from work again!
Biding your time to get all the evidence you need is the way forward here. But giving the toilet a quick scrub with his toothbrush will make you feel just a little better, even for a few minutes. In the morning when he's brushing his teeth thinking he's off to work with his clean conscience and clean breath, secretly you'll know his teeth are as filthy as his morals! Maybe stick it in your dogs mouths too (before the loo obviously!!) You've got this!!
Suzanne999 · 18/01/2022 19:49

You won’t struggle so much once you go.
Make sure your money is safe where he can’t touch it.
Take 50% of joint a/c and remove your name on it.
Any household bills in your name , pay to date and cut them off, gas, water whatever.
Send OW a copy of poem, ask her if she liked it.
Copy that message to his parents. Tell them you cannot / will not live with a cheat. Don’t go into details.
You’re in charge. Don’t explain. And never apologise!!!
Take your dogs and go.
Life will get better, you don’t need this scum in your life.

Suzanne999 · 18/01/2022 19:50

@Pfbing,
Biding your time to get all the evidence you need is the way forward here. But giving the toilet a quick scrub with his toothbrush will make you feel just a little better, even for a few minutes. In the morning when he's brushing his teeth thinking he's off to work with his clean conscience and clean breath, secretly you'll know his teeth are as filthy as his morals! Maybe stick it in your dogs mouths too (before the loo obviously!!) You've got this!!

I’m so glad I’m not the only who did this. 😊