Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband suddenly changed

385 replies

curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 10:30

Name changed for this. We have been married for 3 years perfect marriage until November when DH appeared to suddenly change.
He kept contacting a female colleague on Whatsapp messaging at all hours all uneventful crap. Near to Christmas I found out he had bought a calligraphy copy of our Wedding poem which I never received and scissors and sellotape were hidden in his car.
We went on holiday at xmas and I was gutted to read a message from her saying she missed him. I challenged him over this and we had a huge falling out with him saying I shouldn't read his phone. He then put a lock on his phone. He was really brutal towards me at the time saying i'd changed etc.
Fast forward to last night he snapped at me and said he didn't want to be with me and it's all my fault. I explained he needed to be honest about OW he again denied anything was going on.
I have been cheated on before and he knows it would break me. He's trying to make me walk isn't he so he can maintain face.
What should I do?

OP posts:
Imissmoominmama · 18/01/2022 21:54

Hope you’re holding up. Your dogs will help you through this.

Bouledeneige · 18/01/2022 22:38

Get out of there OP. He's going to fuck with your mind and make things up to absolve himself of blame. He's been led by his dick and has utterly betrayed you. Keep hold of that cold steely anger and get out.

Much sympathy. I've been there. He's not worthy of you - he's weak and disloyal with not an ounce of decency.

Original poster
curledupinaball · 19/01/2022 06:19

@Bouledeneige

Get out of there OP. He's going to fuck with your mind and make things up to absolve himself of blame. He's been led by his dick and has utterly betrayed you. Keep hold of that cold steely anger and get out.

Much sympathy. I've been there. He's not worthy of you - he's weak and disloyal with not an ounce of decency.

I wonder if he really believes he has a future with Horseface and that they can continue to work together. Sad thing is he wouldn't have that job if it wasn't for me. I wrote the application, supported him getting qualifications etc. more fool me.
OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 19/01/2022 06:33

No no no.... not more fool you. You had no reason not to believe in the person he presented himself to be. This is wrong thinking. You were not wrong to believe in the person you loved. That is what we do.
He is in the wrong here. Do not doubt your own judgement going forward. That is playing into his hands and the hands of all the 'players' you might meet in the future.
Believe in you. Hold your head high. You can do this.

LaurieFairyCake · 19/01/2022 07:11

Yes, wait til he's at work - photograph everything, pack everything (definitely take dogs!)

Then email his parents once you've gone telling them you've left as he has another woman (and he got the wedding poem delivered to them)

Then block him Thanks

PurpleFlower1983 · 19/01/2022 07:30

Stay angry OP! What you are going through is the hardest part! Plenty of us on here have done it. I promise you it gets easier! When you get someone who deserves you, you will wonder why you ever wasted your time on this twat!

RobinsReliant · 19/01/2022 07:53

You’ve been a good support to him over the years which is what marriage is about. He won’t know what he’s lost until you’ve gone. They forget how important the support is until it’s not there any more.

Do you know anything about this OW or what’s going on? Has he admitted anything yet?

Their relationship (or whatever it is) won’t look so rosy when he’s lost you. It never does.

You don’t have to make any big decisions right now. Just give yourself breathing space and surround yourself with support. Don’t tell him anything and keep your dignity. Cool, calm, collected. Let anything he says bounce off you and don’t react. If he is being cruel he will want a reaction from you. Don’t give him the pleasure. Remove yourself if you can from the house.

Buildingthefuture · 19/01/2022 08:09

@Bonbon21 is absolutely right, this is NOT on you. I consider myself to be a loyal, honest, decent person and a good judge of character. But I’ve been fooled and betrayed by someone I wholeheartedly loved and trusted. Someone who I truly believed loved me and had my back. I think a lot of us on here have. But you really must hang on to the fact that it is not about something missing in you, it’s something missing in him, some weakness, selfishness or insecurity that makes him capable of doing something that you just would never even contemplate. He is defective, you are not. Hold your head high op. You’ve done NOTHING wrong xxx

RobinsReliant · 19/01/2022 08:47

@Buildingthefuture is right. The weakness / defect is with him. Not you.

Balonziaga · 19/01/2022 11:58

There are blue skies ahead, even though it doesn't feel like that now. The only crumb of comfort I can offer you for the way things are right now, is that he is being so blatant and disgusting that he has given you no room for doubt.

Even though the betrayal hurts - at least you know where you are. In another life, you could waste a year or more thinking you were being paranoid - but this is rock bottom. A few rocky weeks ahead and then you will start to swim to the surface.

As @LaurieFairyCake says - wait until he is out and then gather and photograph everything you need. Planning will give you strength. Keep picturing his mouth opening and closing like a goldfish when he realises not only that he has been rumbled, but that you are not going to collapse at his feet sobbing and begging. Turn that moment over in your mind and keep on keeping on.

Original poster
curledupinaball · 19/01/2022 14:55

Found out that Horseface still lives at home with her parents (how sad in her 30's!)
No wonder he wants me to leave our home.

OP posts:
Pfbing · 19/01/2022 15:17

@curledupinaball

Found out that Horseface still lives at home with her parents (how sad in her 30's!) No wonder he wants me to leave our home.
So this is a seedy back seat of the car job. Leave some of your dogs shite in inconspicuous places in his car. Vile vile man
CombatBarbie · 19/01/2022 15:59

Oh well I def would not be leaving! But I'm petty like that....

Bowwowwowoh · 19/01/2022 16:07

OP. Aren't you tempted to just ask him outright about what happened to the poem he ordered?

Original poster
curledupinaball · 19/01/2022 16:12

@Bowwowwowoh

OP. Aren't you tempted to just ask him outright about what happened to the poem he ordered?
Very tempted indeed. I have photographed a copy of the email order and delivery address though for when I need to use it.
OP posts:
Bowwowwowoh · 19/01/2022 16:16

Ah. I'd be tempted to use that information now just because of the slightest chance he didn't give the poem to her.

You want to own that moral high ground OP!

Original poster
curledupinaball · 19/01/2022 16:19

@Bowwowwowoh

Ah. I'd be tempted to use that information now just because of the slightest chance he didn't give the poem to her.

You want to own that moral high ground OP!

Trouble is if I use it he will know that I have read his work emails and will password change.
OP posts:
Bowwowwowoh · 19/01/2022 16:34

I never thought about the advantages to you of him not knowing you can read his work emails @curledupinaball you're right.

Sorry you're having to go through this cloak and dagger stuff, it's not on, you should be living a 'normal' happy life. Not worrying about what he might or might not be doing in secret. They can be real shits sometimes can't they - partners - and it's probably just stupid limerence anyway, so an utter waste of everyone's time and potential destruction for no good reason.

Mankini · 19/01/2022 17:02

And if it doesn't work out with Horseface...

Date: "Hi ex-curledupinaball. So, you're divorced. Why was that?"

Your ex: "Oh, I screwed a colleague behind my wife's back."

Date: "Wow - you're a catch. Hmm, my phone definitely vibrated, even though you couldn't see it. Yes, it's my flatmate calling. It seems my goldfish has suddenly been taken ill and I need to leave immediately... Taxi!"

WeAreTheHeroes · 19/01/2022 17:33

Definitely don't let on you can access his emails. Ime this is very useful!

HugeAckmansWife · 19/01/2022 17:44

mankini yes but he's hardly going to say that is he? It'll be "oh it didn't work out" or "my ex was a crazy bitch" or "she cheated on me". I absolutely don't think it is helpful to give any headspace to what may or may not happen to them. Karma is not real, some affairs do work out, no matter how much we might hope they won't. Much better to focus on your own future plans. OP is lucky in that there are no lasting ties like kids or even a jointly owned property so she can get out easily enough and literally never have to see him again. Build your own little nest decorated entirely to your taste, fridge full of your faves, remote control in your sole possession. Its ace. And when you're ready, try OLD or join some clubs or whatever to move on with someone new, on your terms and with clear vision.

Mankini · 19/01/2022 18:36

Sorry HugeAckmansWife - I didn't explain that well. What I mean is that he'll always be a cheater and the truth will out, no matter what.

HugeAckmansWife · 19/01/2022 19:01

Maybe, but there's minimal reward for feasting on others' crapness.

Original poster
curledupinaball · 19/01/2022 19:09

@Bowwowwowoh

I never thought about the advantages to you of him not knowing you can read his work emails *@curledupinaball* you're right.

Sorry you're having to go through this cloak and dagger stuff, it's not on, you should be living a 'normal' happy life. Not worrying about what he might or might not be doing in secret. They can be real shits sometimes can't they - partners - and it's probably just stupid limerence anyway, so an utter waste of everyone's time and potential destruction for no good reason.

The thing is I never would have looked through his phone etc if his behaviour hadn't given me cause for concern. I hate being like that.
OP posts:
Tailsyflugbun · 19/01/2022 19:36

Same here OP. I didn't look at my ex's phone for over 30 years. In actual fact we were an item before mobile phones were even a thing. Then there's something about their behaviour which is off and you have to suddenly start looking through their devices because they won't tell you what's going on.
I surprised myself how much I learned about technology in a very short space of time. Necessity is the mother of invention.