My Mum & her bites

[StarDolphins]

I don’t know what to do anymore & looking for advice.

Background- my Mum had a terrible childhood, when she was 8 she watched her Mum die of cancer & was then left with her v strict emotionally absent Dad. She was then raped by a stranger in a park but never told anyone. This is obviously why she is the way she is.

She had my Sister & I but was an alcoholic all our childhood. I don’t remember day to day life as a child at all but I’m guessing we were neglected in some way as SS were involved & I was deemed ‘at risk’. I had many meetings/questions with SS & my Grandparents went to Court to try to get custody but failed. I do remember snippets like my mum being drunk & taken to hospital, 1 of her many ‘men friends’ throwing a brick through our window in the middle of the night, my sister being locked in her room naked with the windows nailed down because she’d stolen money & taken drugs. I remember coming home from School everyday to Billy Joel /Bruce Springsteen on loop & the house smelling constantly of smoke/alcohol. There are so many ridiculous things I remember too like her driving me in an ice-cream van & crashing it & being petrified & turning up drunk at my primary school on a horse with a bottle of wine in hand! She woke my up shouting in the middle of the night to bollock me because the dogs water bowl was empty! I do remember one time opening the door after School to the smell of spag Bol cooking, the TV on & no alcohol smell & I felt like the happiest most ‘normal’ child in the world - soon ended though as after she dropped my back home from girl guides that night, she stayed out all night & I was petrified worrying about her. There are man

My Mum is very clever & has a great SOH but I don’t remember a happy childhood apart from the one my wonderful Grandparents provided. But she can’t have been that bad or I’d have been taken off her?

I stayed there until I was 22 when our house got repossessed. She bought a mobile home & I moved into a house share. I bought a flat at 25 & the next 10ish years were calm(but not close) in our mother/daughter relationship.

She stopped drinking 30 years ago but is a reclusive hoarder. She sleeps on a day bed in the front room of her bungalow as all the other rooms are inaccessible.

My mum is now 76. At 67 she had a triple heart bypass then at 73 had 2 strokes & at 75 she broke her hip so she’s now practically immobile. Each time she hasn’t engaged with services (physio won’t work for this etc) & has self-discharged from hospital. She refused carers for a long time until I said I can’t do it all on my own. She now had carers 3 times per day & I go every Saturday with shopping/change her bed/clean as best I can! She hasn’t had a shower/bath in2 years. She has some very strange jobs for me considering she can hardly walk Or use her arms - wants her d.lic renewed ‘just incase’ & she had 3 cars sat outside rotting as she hasn’t driven them in 3 years!

I am literally the ONLY person she has bar the carers - she did have friends & a boyfriend but didn’t cultivate these relationships (I’d say she used them!) & cut them off for trivial/ridiculous reasons. So it’s just me.

I don’t even know if I love her or if I just feel sorry/ guilty/a duty to her...it’s all very surface from my perspective. I don’t get any pleasure from the relationship but I wouldn’t abandon her as she has no one.

SO, the current (& most stressful for me) Problem is that for the last 6 months she’s been getting bitten - first she said it was fleas that the carers were brining then in from another house, so she had me ordering frontline every 7 days for her dog. I deflead her bed area as much as I could over 3 weeks. Still getting bitten. Then she convinced herself it’s eyelash mites so wanted me to order plug ins/special powder/snoods/creams. She NEVER gets the Drs involved as she ‘doesn’t trust them‘ so always self diagnosed. I called the dr Out & because she told him what was wrong, they gave her this cream for eyelash mites. Still getting bitten. I am convinced it’s bedbugs & told her this, I offered to Get skips & clear the room so we could treat it properly or get a Company in - she ignored this (as I think she knows the company will tell her the room needs clearing) so now even though I’ve put 3 tubes of Lyclear all over her body to treat these mites & it hasn’t worked so it’s obvious it’s not mites! she’s texting me saying this will finish her off & please help me...with a list of ridiculous things she wants me to order from Amazon like dust mite plug ins etc!!! These are today’s texts...

Her : when is the snood coming, I’m swallowing the mites & it’s giving me heartburn

Me : it’s definitely not mites, we’ve treated you
For mites & the bites are just like bed bug bites & that’s the only thing we haven’t treated for...

Her : can you also order this mite powder...

I am literally so stressed, I have a lovely life, a beautiful 5 year old little girl, a lovely clean home Etc but this is just making me so sad, she’s refusing to accept/do anything substantial about this problem that’s getting worse & I just don’t know what to do? It’s such a mountain to climb on my own☹️

God how awful. In the first place I’d make sure you protect yourself, go in in overalls, or change your clothes somewhere before you go into your house and don’t take the clothes you wear to hers into yours.
don’t take any bags into her house then back to yours, bed bugs will hitch a ride.
Don’t feel bad about this.
You may need to tell her that you can’t keep coming unless she lets you treat/clean.
You have all my sympathy dealing with this horrible situation.

It sounds awlful.

I'd get tough with her.

Get the company to clean up her place and treat the house. I don't think I'd ask. Just do it.

If she kicks off, tell her she's going into a home.
Of course she's going to be itching in a filthy place, and not having bathed in years.

Thank you for quick reply! I will have to find something to go in & I never take a bag! it’s all such a mess & never ending. The state of the house means It will probably never get sorted & she’ll die in this situation☹️

Thanks Ranty, I didn’t know a Company would clear it, thought it would fall to me! & I literally have half a day a week to spare so it would take months for me to clear it! I might say to her that I’ll order all these ridiculous things & bring shopping but that’s it, I’m not putting powder everywhere or cream on her or any other ridiculous things anymore if she’s refusing to face it/sort it instead of texting ‘help me please’ to me. I don’t want bed bugs at my house!

I suspect even saying that will send her into a massive hospital do you think I feel’ mard😉

& she’s full of big bites that are bleeding that will most likely get infected as she’s not putting the antibiotic cream prescribed by the dr in them, she’s putting a plaster over them😡

You need Indorex spray, it'll kill fleas off if it's them.

Bed bugs will spread very easily. If you don’t change your clothing/shoes etc and don’t wash or freeze anything you have worn in her house, you will bring them into yours.

Have you seen any insects? Could it be in her mind?

I think you need to raise this with her GP. It sounds like she has complex mh needs- so sorry to read about your childhood neglect.

Gp may need to involve SS & assess her capacity. If these bites become infected & she declines treatment then she may need Intervention.

I’ve just looked on my Amazon acc & I e ordered (&used) 7 tins of indorex in the last 8weeks & it’s done nothing!

It can’t be fleas surely after that many tins🙄literally the only
Thing I can think of is bed bugs & 3 in a row is meant to be a give away & heres a pic of her arm...

She just ignore my suggestion of bedbugs..probably because she doesn’t want the option of parting with all her clutter!

Cent add pic anyway!

Not seen anything but she’s covered in scabs/sores that are bleeding - face, arms legs! Whatever it is could be living anywhere, her room is literally full from top to bottom!

When she was in hospital I cleared a lot because i didn’t want SS to refuse to send carers in but now it’s full again!

Frontline doesn't work anymore unfortunately. Try bravecto for the dog.

Thank you, I want someone to overrule her for her own sake/health but every time GP/SS are involved they say she has capacity so can make her own decisions!

I think she has deep rooted, complex MH problems that she hides - won’t have a bath/shower but orders bottles & bottles of expensive shampoo/conditioners etc & she’s recently had a gas cooker fitted despite not cooking for the last 18 years! I might try & speak to GP, he always refers me to hoarders U.K. & they send me leaflets!

Hmmm, does she have any mh diagnosis? Was her capacity assessed before she was discharged from hospital do you know? It sounds to me like the GP needs to be made fully aware of the risks & her self neglect/ denial. You have your own life & responsibilities & it sounds like you're taking on a lot caring for her.

If she's practically immobile, where is all this clutter coming from?

How is her alcoholism?

Could it be formication?

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/odd-curious-and-rare/200911/formication

A good sign to tell if it's bed bugs is small reddish/ brown marks on the bedding, almost like little stars. It's their poo; the blood they have sucked from the person.

Could it be damp mites? Is there damp in the room?

Oh just saw your update.

I would ask for a more robust capacity assessment. Say you question the previous outcome. Have they specifically looked into her understanding around letting these bites become infected?

i am so sorry about your mother's childhood, and I am so sorry about yours.

But - you can't do something that's impossible. So, if she prevents you from helping her, you can't help her. Even though she is your mother. If it's impossible, it's impossible. It is not your responsibility to bust your life, tryng to make it possible. She is, for whatever reason, preventing you from helping her.

Not everyone would agree that you do, in fact, have to even try help her, after all this has been put in your way. I'm not sure I would continue trying to help my mother if she was like this) If you can't do it, you can't do it.

I think you are likely to need some support of your own, to understand why you are still trying. You are trying to climb an impossible cliff. What are you looking for at the top of it, that top that you can never actually reach? Gently, I would suggest that you should be putting effort into learning to find it in yourself.

Your mother has made and continues to make her choices. However, now you are an adult, she need not be making your choices too. She should not have that power. Please try to find that power for yourself, the better to love your beautiful daughter, and your wonderful self.

If there are carers going in I would ask them to refer to docs and social services too. You need a carers assessment for yourself too.

Her capacity was assessed before leaving hospital, she self-discharged & refused physio but when the consultant rang me he said they had assessed her & as she has full mental capacity, she can therefore make her own decisions.

I wish it was formication but she’s covered in sores/bites that she says aren’t itchy but she must scratch them as they all bleed.

I can’t see any evidence because when I change the bed the sheets are full of bits of blood anyway where the sores/bites have bled.

Dog had been at the vets & no fleas/or signs off.

It’s just a mess & she’s just so strange in her thinking- she doesn’t seem to understand (care?) about them bleeding & getting infected - she’s more interested in pressing on with this ‘mite’ diagnosis.

She orders the clutter (latest thing a paper shredder, electric toothbrush(she has false teeth) & a flash, all piled up on the wheelchair that she doesn’t use that’s been sat in the front room for 7 years next to the mobility scooter 🙄

You’re right Candycane, I can’t do something that’s impossible but I still can’t seem to drawer a line under it & know what to do so instead I keep turning up putting powders down/putting cream on/ordering fucidin (which doesn’t get used)☹️ I just have no one else & when I speak to my friends they just say do t go! Then my mum will start sending “you’ve abandoned me, please help me” texts so I get cross with her & tell her how ridiculous she’s been for years then she ignores me....what a mess. I think someone said earlier about a proper MH assessment by the GP - I might try this...but whether she will agree to it is another thing! She’s likely to say there’s nothing wrong with her MH & that the only thing bothering her is these imaginary mites - because eyelash mites doesn’t necessitate having your house cleared I guess🙄

Sadly your mum seems to be long past the point of any rational discussion or intervention. People have the right to make decisions other people would consider unwise or eccentric and you are probably right that she has deep rooted mental health problems. That said, nobody can or will force her to live differently or to suddenly ‘wake up’ and transform the way she lives.

You’re not going to change her mind about the bed bugs, so either you find a way of treating them anyway, or you just go with her mites diagnosis and get more treatments for them. Or do both.

There will be a health crisis sooner or later.

I agree with PP - can you learn to accept that this is who and what she is, and make sure you protect yourself and your child mentally and physically as much as you can?

@candycane222

i am so sorry about your mother's childhood, and I am so sorry about yours.

But - you can't do something that's impossible. So, if she prevents you from helping her, you can't help her. Even though she is your mother. If it's impossible, it's impossible. It is not your responsibility to bust your life, tryng to make it possible. She is, for whatever reason, preventing you from helping her.

Not everyone would agree that you do, in fact, have to even try help her, after all this has been put in your way. I'm not sure I would continue trying to help my mother if she was like this) If you can't do it, you can't do it.

I think you are likely to need some support of your own, to understand why you are still trying. You are trying to climb an impossible cliff. What are you looking for at the top of it, that top that you can never actually reach? Gently, I would suggest that you should be putting effort into learning to find it in yourself.

Your mother has made and continues to make her choices. However, now you are an adult, she need not be making your choices too. She should not have that power. Please try to find that power for yourself, the better to love your beautiful daughter, and your wonderful self.

100% agree.

You will never be able to help her and that is not your fault. You should not feel guilty for stopping to try either.

Go back to the Gp and explain all the above to them- your mother needs more support from outside agencies and the GP can do that .

Sorry for her childhood and for yours too.

I know I need to protect myself & my little girl & I try by best to never show my little girl I’m stressed etc but unfortunately the only way to do this is to either say I can’t go anymore & then she’s on her own😭 Or carry on with this ridiculous notion it’s mites until like you quite rightly say, a health crisis happens!

It’s all so unavoidable. I think she knows it’s not mites but is convincing herself of it because bedbugs would mean far too much mental strain for her!

Thank you so much everyone for replying, I really do appreciate All your advice xx

Your little 5 year old is more important than your mum at this point. I don’t think you should tie yourself up in knots when she can’t/won’t do the basics. I am sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but it sound it is really getting to you now