My Mum & her bites

[StarDolphins]

I don’t know what to do anymore & looking for advice.

Background- my Mum had a terrible childhood, when she was 8 she watched her Mum die of cancer & was then left with her v strict emotionally absent Dad. She was then raped by a stranger in a park but never told anyone. This is obviously why she is the way she is.

She had my Sister & I but was an alcoholic all our childhood. I don’t remember day to day life as a child at all but I’m guessing we were neglected in some way as SS were involved & I was deemed ‘at risk’. I had many meetings/questions with SS & my Grandparents went to Court to try to get custody but failed. I do remember snippets like my mum being drunk & taken to hospital, 1 of her many ‘men friends’ throwing a brick through our window in the middle of the night, my sister being locked in her room naked with the windows nailed down because she’d stolen money & taken drugs. I remember coming home from School everyday to Billy Joel /Bruce Springsteen on loop & the house smelling constantly of smoke/alcohol. There are so many ridiculous things I remember too like her driving me in an ice-cream van & crashing it & being petrified & turning up drunk at my primary school on a horse with a bottle of wine in hand! She woke my up shouting in the middle of the night to bollock me because the dogs water bowl was empty! I do remember one time opening the door after School to the smell of spag Bol cooking, the TV on & no alcohol smell & I felt like the happiest most ‘normal’ child in the world - soon ended though as after she dropped my back home from girl guides that night, she stayed out all night & I was petrified worrying about her. There are man

My Mum is very clever & has a great SOH but I don’t remember a happy childhood apart from the one my wonderful Grandparents provided. But she can’t have been that bad or I’d have been taken off her?

I stayed there until I was 22 when our house got repossessed. She bought a mobile home & I moved into a house share. I bought a flat at 25 & the next 10ish years were calm(but not close) in our mother/daughter relationship.

She stopped drinking 30 years ago but is a reclusive hoarder. She sleeps on a day bed in the front room of her bungalow as all the other rooms are inaccessible.

My mum is now 76. At 67 she had a triple heart bypass then at 73 had 2 strokes & at 75 she broke her hip so she’s now practically immobile. Each time she hasn’t engaged with services (physio won’t work for this etc) & has self-discharged from hospital. She refused carers for a long time until I said I can’t do it all on my own. She now had carers 3 times per day & I go every Saturday with shopping/change her bed/clean as best I can! She hasn’t had a shower/bath in2 years. She has some very strange jobs for me considering she can hardly walk Or use her arms - wants her d.lic renewed ‘just incase’ & she had 3 cars sat outside rotting as she hasn’t driven them in 3 years!

I am literally the ONLY person she has bar the carers - she did have friends & a boyfriend but didn’t cultivate these relationships (I’d say she used them!) & cut them off for trivial/ridiculous reasons. So it’s just me.

I don’t even know if I love her or if I just feel sorry/ guilty/a duty to her...it’s all very surface from my perspective. I don’t get any pleasure from the relationship but I wouldn’t abandon her as she has no one.

SO, the current (& most stressful for me) Problem is that for the last 6 months she’s been getting bitten - first she said it was fleas that the carers were brining then in from another house, so she had me ordering frontline every 7 days for her dog. I deflead her bed area as much as I could over 3 weeks. Still getting bitten. Then she convinced herself it’s eyelash mites so wanted me to order plug ins/special powder/snoods/creams. She NEVER gets the Drs involved as she ‘doesn’t trust them‘ so always self diagnosed. I called the dr Out & because she told him what was wrong, they gave her this cream for eyelash mites. Still getting bitten. I am convinced it’s bedbugs & told her this, I offered to Get skips & clear the room so we could treat it properly or get a Company in - she ignored this (as I think she knows the company will tell her the room needs clearing) so now even though I’ve put 3 tubes of Lyclear all over her body to treat these mites & it hasn’t worked so it’s obvious it’s not mites! she’s texting me saying this will finish her off & please help me...with a list of ridiculous things she wants me to order from Amazon like dust mite plug ins etc!!! These are today’s texts...

Her : when is the snood coming, I’m swallowing the mites & it’s giving me heartburn

Me : it’s definitely not mites, we’ve treated you
For mites & the bites are just like bed bug bites & that’s the only thing we haven’t treated for...

Her : can you also order this mite powder...

I am literally so stressed, I have a lovely life, a beautiful 5 year old little girl, a lovely clean home Etc but this is just making me so sad, she’s refusing to accept/do anything substantial about this problem that’s getting worse & I just don’t know what to do? It’s such a mountain to climb on my own☹️

First sentence of my post is a quote from Zanda

TheSilvery yes OP look at that site. I was not going into to much detail other than saying if it can be done (when the person still is deemed to have capacity and is willing), it really helped later on. Many people aren’t aware of these. It may not be applicable in OPs case.

Absolutely. In fact everyone should do POA.

From what people post, it seems to me that some MN posters are under the mistaken impression that it is the next of kin who take out POA, naming themselves as attorneys, and that once in place, the appointed attorney can immediately take over the finances without the consent of the person to whom it applies. Not true!

Thank you everyone😊

I have been today. Sat outside in my car feeling fearful & scared of opening her door (much like I did when I used to come home from School) But had a chat with myself & ended up going in strong! I knew what point I wanted to get across & I did it kindly but firmly. I told her I believed 100% she hasn’t got mites And therefore I won’t be putting anymore creams/prefers etc on. I suggested it’s either ekborn syndrome/delusional Parasitosis or bed bugs as the only 2 possibilities & I told her my reasoning. I also told her I can’t help her to the extent she needs or fix the problem, I can’t keep her safe. I told her she self neglects & the reasons I believe this. I told her I was upset that she’s not asked the carers to change the bed instead waiting for me - she apologised & said she will definitely fo this. I then gave her a print off about delusional parasitosis & the numbers for 2 peat control firms & said I can do no more on this & suggested it’s time for her to face it head on & get it fixed, instead of being immobilised by it. I said I need to put my little girl first. She wasn’t shitty/defensive, she said she Understands what I’ve said & knows she’s the problem & seemed to understand. She’s actually very intelligent. Intelligent but with deep, complex MH issues. I have left her to decide what she does about the problem now, being clear I can’t help/fix at this advanced stage.

re POA - my mums has mentioned This previously but I didn’t do it. I don’t know why. I will have a think about it.

I don’t want to be her carer, I would find it too involved & stressful.

In terms of her care, I think a care home would be best... but in terms of MH the worst, she still has all her faculties & the biggest reason is that leaving her dogs would finish her off - along with not being able to chain smoke all day! She discharged herself from hospital Multiple times so no way would she agree to a care home!

Dorisdorisdoris - thank you! Omg my mum actually needs to go for bowel cancer tests (blood in stool found) but is refusing as she’s adamant there’s absolutely no point as she would never have chemo😱 I’m going to look at paranoid personality disorder now! Thank you😊

Xxx

I am the one currently suffering as I run myself ragged - never saying no to my Mum & getting embroiled in this chaotic life while being (trying) to be the best Mummy, I literally play & fill our lives with fun all the time I’m with my DD so as to not show I am dealing with anything else! It’s exhausting.

ESG - I would love for her to go in a care home so I know she’s safe - I just couldn’t face forcing her currently because of her dogs, for her sake & theirs. She pointed out today there’s no risk bar infection but said she knows if a sore is infected (subjective!).

When she had strokes & they assessed her, all the people involved both hospital & community said they were sure she had full capacity - I was insisting on it at that time due to mobility issues.

Really well done OP and it sounds like your DM responded really well to your assertiveness.

Wow! Well done you

Thanks mizzfizz & somebody! She did respond well - however, the proof is in what she does now! She might’ve just been trying to get rid of me!!😂

I’ll know more over the coming days if she texts asking me to order some special bath salts she’s found on Amazon that promise to get rid of ‘mites’😂

Thank you💕

That’s a big emotional shift within you to examine what is going on within you, seek opinion, take what resonates and communicate your boundaries to your DM.

Massive steps - and the focus is on you and your DD - well done - the next chapter will take care of itself now with you laying out your needs. It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t comply - it’s only your actions that will determine if there is change. You will likely be shattered by pushing through on this so take it easy and rest up. Seems that she has shown some respect to you for your stance - and if this fades just hang on to your own self respect and self compassion here.

This will ultimately be a good outcome for your DM - she maybe just doesn’t know it yet and might resist - but step back and let the professionals put in the right safeguarding and care.

If you've used indorex it's not fleas.You need someone to come and treat the house for bed bugs. It costs about £500. They can do it without the house being cleared, although it's better if clothes are out of drawers/wardrobes. If your mum stops being bitten you'll know it was bed bugs. If the problem comes back within a month they will come and respray. These companies are quite used to dealing with chaotic housing situations. I wish you the best of luck.

Not everyone gets itchy from bedbug bites. This stuff is pretty good for most types of bugs and is cheap and non toxic. It works by dehydrating the bugs after they walk through it. You do need a dust mask on to put it down but you only need the thinnest of layers, you shouldn't even be able to see it on a carpet if you put it down properly. Recommend using a carpet sweeper to hoover it up at the end though as it is very fine so can blow your hoover motor. www.amazon.co.uk/Diatomaceous-Earth-Food-Grade-300g/dp/B0083HO2MY/ref=asc_df_B0083HO2MY/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=309964069570&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=5946488415386406848&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007293&hvtargid=pla-561516670006&psc=1

Aaaaarrrgh this is such a hard read as my own DM is similar. We've also had a similar upbringing but I'm now no contact as my mental health was unravelling.

Fleas and all sorts of mites are utter bastards and the best survivors in the world. Frontline has had its day - most are immune to it now. You need to up the ante and get something else from the vets as well as innovex to treat furniture, floors and skirting boards.

That said, if there's hoards everywhere, innovex will not work effectively as there are too many places for bugs to hide.

Probably bed bugs, paper weevils - there's so many insects free to live in a hoarders dwelling.

I'm typing this as quickly as possible and I'll admit to have not read anymore posts since your OP as it's brought back terrible memories, but I absolutely sympathise and I feel for you so much.

You cannot change her. She is damaged and broken and too old to recover normal ways. She WILL rely on you and will escalate her demands and it will cost you your health and happiness.

I don't know what else to suggest - it's a horrible position to be in and unless you decide to go non contact (which I don't detect in your posts) then you'll only be free of this when she dies. I'm sorry 😞

I'm sorry if I haven't suggested anything new. MN'ers are incredible for advice and expertise, maybe I've not been useful at all.

I will say that my heart aches for both you and your Mum - you've both had horrible experiences, but you aren't abusing your little girl. You've broken the cycle. Your Mum, on the other hand, continues to control and hurt you.

I'm so sorry you are in this position. Capacity and mental health are difficult areas and need the right assessment.

Social services should be involved. And I would ask the carers to raise their concerns.

I would ask the gp for a referral to the cmht. You as a family member can ask for a mental health assessment.

The question is does she have capacity to decide to live like this. Can she weigh up the pros and cons. So not just this is what I want.

Cons risk to her health. Carers will stop coming fire risk. Etc Does she have full insight into all the possible outcomes.

Does she have clear exit. Can she get out if there is a fire. The accommodation is becoming inhabitable. Mites or fleas or whatever they are will be rooted into the clutter you won't get rid of them unless the room is stripped right back. New carpet new bed etc. This is not going to improve without this action.

Financiers. Does she have the funds for all these purchases. Are other bill getting paid.

I would ask who ever does the assessment to focus on these areas. Capacity is time and decision specific. So can vary.

Good luck. You do have a fight on your hands not just with your mother but getting the right services to be proactive. Things are at an all time low all over and every department is over stretched. But that is not your probably.

Can you get some support for you. Counselling would give you a safe. Place to off load and address how you are feeling and skill you to cope going forward.

How are the dogs looked after, if your mother is bed bound?

@Gingernaut

How are the dogs looked after, if your mother is bed bound?

The OP has said that a dog walker comes daily to exercise the two elderly dogs.

Slightly off tangent, I am concerned on many levels about her current carers and their management, I just don't see how they can work in such circumstances. Do they express no concern for her, her living conditions and for their staff and next clients well being? Surely they can give evidence to support your request to ss? What do they suggest? They are being paid to support Dm but don't seem to be achieving much (and yes I know what a shitty, underpaid job it is); do they report to you; they must have concerns.

@ESGdance, ah. I missed that

@BlackAlys said something that is worth repeating, @StarDolphins,
"You've broken the cycle"

Your little girl will not ever have to deal with the situations that you have because you have been able to prioritise her needs.

Bloody well done.

Thank you so much ALL of you!

I think the fact I have posted here for advice means I’d already subconsciously, somewhere in my mind decided I can’t carry in like I was. (I never sought advice in the previous 8 years of chaos because I just accepted I had to do it & that was that. I did it, without question No matter how bonkers it was. Even though I felt stressed, weary & sad at her life. Every time my phone rang I felt dread, even if it was t my mum!

I couldn’t go NC - I would feel too bad.

The fire inspector has been out & given fire proof sheets/bedding & put more alarms up but was satisfied she could/& knowS how to get out in case of a fire, even with her frame.

She’s not bed bound, she has quite bad mobility issues in that she can only walk/shuffle with a frame - I think this is because she chooses to sit on the day bed all day & didn’t continue with physio after her strokes so now has no muscle, she decided that physio wouldn’t work - she goes to the toilet & that’s it!

The dogs are elderly so are happy to sit there with her all day - the dog walker comes every day & walks/feeds them.

The carers have never raised any issues with me & have never heard from her Social Worker that they’ve raised any issues with them either. They make her coffee, Complan, give her her meds & that’s pretty much it!

I know at this late stage she’s not going to change, it’s too late. I’m sad she didn’t recognise her issues & get help in the past. I think she’s kept quite a lot of these issues hidden for many years too or they’ve just got worse. She’s always been Suspicious/controlling with boyfriends/friends & can cut people off with ease. I have been reading a lot about paranoid personality disorder & can recognise this is my Mum.

I will always feel like it’s just all so sad about hers & my life, the way she lives/lived, the other lives ruined (my Sister/niece (both alcoholics with rock bottom self-esteem) but I also know it wasn’t tmy fault, she could’ve got help & she didn’t - she’s not a bad person, she’s a result of her childhood BUT she didn’t do the right thing by getting the help needed to be a good mum. Without my DGP I have no doubt I would be a very different person than I am.

I can’t change her, only my reactions. I will continue to help her but not laden down with guilt of having to make everything ok for her because I know I can’t.

My DD will have all the love, happiness & stabilty that I didn’t have❤️

Ifeellimedancing - I have put this earth powder thing all round the front room But because of all the stuff (& places for bugs to hide) it doesn’t seem to have done much! She needs stuff chucking out of the room & to start again but I feel like this won’t happen & she’ll find some other cause in her mind that these bites can be so as to not have to part with the ‘stuff’

She has a clear pathway to the toilet/kitchen as I keep it clear. The 2 bedrooms are full to the ceiling so the doors just stay shut! I also secretly chuck stuff each time I visit & upto now age hasn’t noticed!

@ESGdance

That’s a big emotional shift within you to examine what is going on within you, seek opinion, take what resonates and communicate your boundaries to your DM.

Massive steps - and the focus is on you and your DD - well done - the next chapter will take care of itself now with you laying out your needs. It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t comply - it’s only your actions that will determine if there is change. You will likely be shattered by pushing through on this so take it easy and rest up. Seems that she has shown some respect to you for your stance - and if this fades just hang on to your own self respect and self compassion here.

This will ultimately be a good outcome for your DM - she maybe just doesn’t know it yet and might resist - but step back and let the professionals put in the right safeguarding and care.

Thanks ESG😊

@unicornsarereal72

I'm so sorry you are in this position. Capacity and mental health are difficult areas and need the right assessment.

Social services should be involved. And I would ask the carers to raise their concerns.

I would ask the gp for a referral to the cmht. You as a family member can ask for a mental health assessment.

The question is does she have capacity to decide to live like this. Can she weigh up the pros and cons. So not just this is what I want.

Cons risk to her health. Carers will stop coming fire risk. Etc Does she have full insight into all the possible outcomes.

Does she have clear exit. Can she get out if there is a fire. The accommodation is becoming inhabitable. Mites or fleas or whatever they are will be rooted into the clutter you won't get rid of them unless the room is stripped right back. New carpet new bed etc. This is not going to improve without this action.

Financiers. Does she have the funds for all these purchases. Are other bill getting paid.

I would ask who ever does the assessment to focus on these areas. Capacity is time and decision specific. So can vary.

Good luck. You do have a fight on your hands not just with your mother but getting the right services to be proactive. Things are at an all time low all over and every department is over stretched. But that is not your probably.

Can you get some support for you. Counselling would give you a safe. Place to off load and address how you are feeling and skill you to cope going forward.

This is the thing unicorns, she says all the right things with regard to knowing about risk - fire risk/not eating, drinking enough/potential infection - she has all the answers....

BUT...doesn’t take any steps to take responsibility for herself!

@StarDolphins I would ask to revisit the capacity assessment as the flea infestation is evidence that she lacks insight into the risks of how she is living.

I do know how very hard it is get action when people are living in away that isn't ok. Far to many professionals agreeing it is 'a life choice'. Yes people have choice but they also have responsibilities to the carers (they can refuse to enter) the dogs neighbours etc.

How are you and your mum doing now @StarDolphins? Just thinking of you.