My Mum & her bites

[StarDolphins]

I don’t know what to do anymore & looking for advice.

Background- my Mum had a terrible childhood, when she was 8 she watched her Mum die of cancer & was then left with her v strict emotionally absent Dad. She was then raped by a stranger in a park but never told anyone. This is obviously why she is the way she is.

She had my Sister & I but was an alcoholic all our childhood. I don’t remember day to day life as a child at all but I’m guessing we were neglected in some way as SS were involved & I was deemed ‘at risk’. I had many meetings/questions with SS & my Grandparents went to Court to try to get custody but failed. I do remember snippets like my mum being drunk & taken to hospital, 1 of her many ‘men friends’ throwing a brick through our window in the middle of the night, my sister being locked in her room naked with the windows nailed down because she’d stolen money & taken drugs. I remember coming home from School everyday to Billy Joel /Bruce Springsteen on loop & the house smelling constantly of smoke/alcohol. There are so many ridiculous things I remember too like her driving me in an ice-cream van & crashing it & being petrified & turning up drunk at my primary school on a horse with a bottle of wine in hand! She woke my up shouting in the middle of the night to bollock me because the dogs water bowl was empty! I do remember one time opening the door after School to the smell of spag Bol cooking, the TV on & no alcohol smell & I felt like the happiest most ‘normal’ child in the world - soon ended though as after she dropped my back home from girl guides that night, she stayed out all night & I was petrified worrying about her. There are man

My Mum is very clever & has a great SOH but I don’t remember a happy childhood apart from the one my wonderful Grandparents provided. But she can’t have been that bad or I’d have been taken off her?

I stayed there until I was 22 when our house got repossessed. She bought a mobile home & I moved into a house share. I bought a flat at 25 & the next 10ish years were calm(but not close) in our mother/daughter relationship.

She stopped drinking 30 years ago but is a reclusive hoarder. She sleeps on a day bed in the front room of her bungalow as all the other rooms are inaccessible.

My mum is now 76. At 67 she had a triple heart bypass then at 73 had 2 strokes & at 75 she broke her hip so she’s now practically immobile. Each time she hasn’t engaged with services (physio won’t work for this etc) & has self-discharged from hospital. She refused carers for a long time until I said I can’t do it all on my own. She now had carers 3 times per day & I go every Saturday with shopping/change her bed/clean as best I can! She hasn’t had a shower/bath in2 years. She has some very strange jobs for me considering she can hardly walk Or use her arms - wants her d.lic renewed ‘just incase’ & she had 3 cars sat outside rotting as she hasn’t driven them in 3 years!

I am literally the ONLY person she has bar the carers - she did have friends & a boyfriend but didn’t cultivate these relationships (I’d say she used them!) & cut them off for trivial/ridiculous reasons. So it’s just me.

I don’t even know if I love her or if I just feel sorry/ guilty/a duty to her...it’s all very surface from my perspective. I don’t get any pleasure from the relationship but I wouldn’t abandon her as she has no one.

SO, the current (& most stressful for me) Problem is that for the last 6 months she’s been getting bitten - first she said it was fleas that the carers were brining then in from another house, so she had me ordering frontline every 7 days for her dog. I deflead her bed area as much as I could over 3 weeks. Still getting bitten. Then she convinced herself it’s eyelash mites so wanted me to order plug ins/special powder/snoods/creams. She NEVER gets the Drs involved as she ‘doesn’t trust them‘ so always self diagnosed. I called the dr Out & because she told him what was wrong, they gave her this cream for eyelash mites. Still getting bitten. I am convinced it’s bedbugs & told her this, I offered to Get skips & clear the room so we could treat it properly or get a Company in - she ignored this (as I think she knows the company will tell her the room needs clearing) so now even though I’ve put 3 tubes of Lyclear all over her body to treat these mites & it hasn’t worked so it’s obvious it’s not mites! she’s texting me saying this will finish her off & please help me...with a list of ridiculous things she wants me to order from Amazon like dust mite plug ins etc!!! These are today’s texts...

Her : when is the snood coming, I’m swallowing the mites & it’s giving me heartburn

Me : it’s definitely not mites, we’ve treated you
For mites & the bites are just like bed bug bites & that’s the only thing we haven’t treated for...

Her : can you also order this mite powder...

I am literally so stressed, I have a lovely life, a beautiful 5 year old little girl, a lovely clean home Etc but this is just making me so sad, she’s refusing to accept/do anything substantial about this problem that’s getting worse & I just don’t know what to do? It’s such a mountain to climb on my own☹️

You need to save the only life you can op; yours

It sounds like your mum has been very manipulative of you for years; she had a horrible childhood but that doesn’t excuse her behaviour. Can you ever imagine behaving in this way towards your daughter?

Find some therapy online if you can like better help or ask to be referred via your gp

Tell social services all the above things @Somebodylikeyew said and try to disengage as much as you can from her drama

Put your own mental health and well-being first

I agree with others that your DM needs are now so complex and all pervasive that she needs a multidisciplinary team to manage her physical, medical, mental and social care needs. She may well have some level of dementia developing.

Please have no guilt and hand her over cleanly and 100% to services that can best meet her needs - this is way out of your depth - that’s not a personal criticism - its way out of any individuals depth.

This is the best thing for your DM.

This is the best thing for you and your DD.

You have tried too hard for too long. Really look to repair your own emotional health from childhood traumas because this is the best gift you can give yourself and your DD.

Please don’t get trapped in the FOG (fear obligation guilt) - be satisfied that you have gone well over and beyond and self sacrificed enough - the proof is that you are the last man standing - everyone else in her life has walked because she is abusive and manipulative. Every time she drains your spirit and manipulates you into running around like a blue arse fly is emotional time and energy that could be spent on rebuilding your own self worth - even if just resting and time and energy that could be used on your DD. Don’t waste another minute of her precious childhood and your wonderful motherhood by being overwhelmed by this situation.

Get SS involved and decide how / when you want to visit - but take on zero emotional or practical responsibility because you have a much more important priority.

I hope that you have lots of supportive friends and family who are emotionally warm and healthy where you can focus your attention on mutually reciprocal relationships because that is what you never had with your DM.

It sounds as though your mother needs to be removed from the house and rehomed, OP. The house needs to be cleared and treated if it's bed bugs. Carpets removed and burned, furnishings possibly thrown out etc. Bed bugs can be really hard to get rid of. As a pp said, this is beyond your ability to solve. Professionals are needed.

Have you had any support for your own mental health and to process your childhood experiences? That sounds like a lot to deal with. Wishing you the best and sending healing wishes.

How do the carers not take bed bugs with them when they go to the next person they are looking after?

Is it worth contacting environmental health at the local authority and report an infestation that may be affecting other residents???

I speak from experience - my Mum has different issues, but it resulted in a similar problem to yours. You have to accept you can't "fix" her. The next time she asks you for something to get rid of the "insects" which may or may not exist, tell her you're sorry but the problem has got too big now and this has been going on for weeks. Talk to both her GP and SS and tell them she needs helps you can't give. Push for an assessment, tell them you are not coping. If it's as bad as you say they will also see this. If she gets cross/doesn't speak to you then don't worry - I used to take any time where my Mum stopped speaking as a rest from her! Sorry if that sounds tough, but you need help to solve this issue permanently otherwise you could have this for another 10 years+.

Thanks everyone. Unfortunately I know you’re all right. I’ve been burying my head in the sand hoping it will just magically get better/go away & just chugging along.

I don’t have much family - my sister became an alcoholic herself & got pneumonia then sepsis & died at 33. I’m in regular contact with my uncle & auntie but they live in Windsor & I live in the Peak District. I do have a few lovely friends - who say the same as you guys.

She is in a council bungalow, hasn’t left the house/or her day bed for 2 years. She doesn’t have a bank account so she gets her pension into my account & I transfer it to a run alongside account & transfer money onto a pre-payment card that’s linked to her eBay/amazon. But she tends to text me to order most things although she must order some as things turn up!

I change her bed/change her pj’s once a week & take shopping (Fruit, cigs, coffee, choc) & make her a coPile of meals then the rest of the week she lives off Complan shakes.

This last Saturday has been the only time I have gone in. I tested positive for COVID & if my Mum got it she would die(she hasn’t had her booster as when I said I will get onto the Drs again she told me to leave it for now Until she’s sorted the ‘mites’ as she doesn’t feel well enough ATM)so 1 of my friends took shopping & left outside my mums house for 1 of the carers to take in. I emailed her social worker & asked if 1 of the ladies could change the bed for me & she emailed back saying ‘I will ask the care agency to change it as a 1 off’ - I had the best, most relaxed weekend not having to go there! The bed still Hasn’t been changed as she said it’s not been ladies that have been at lunchtime & she doesn’t want a man doing it - which I find hard to believe as it’s mainly ladies that go when I’ve been there. I think she won’t ask them & is waiting for me.

I am going to go sat with her shopping but I’m going to drop it off, not change her bed or Her pj’s & I’m going to tell her to ask carer to change her bed & if they don’t want to then they’ll refer it back to their office. I think she will choose to not ask them & instead sit in filthy bedding/pj’s. I am also going to tell her I’m not getting involved anymore in indulging this denial/self-neglect.

I need to back off for my own benefit. I would never ever put my DD in this situation.

I am so happy, strong & confident in the rest of my life, just this is the only blight. I think this last chapter of her life is going to be a messy, upsetting one unfortunately. Once I get GP & other services involved, it’s not going to go well for her.

I think she needs to be removed from that house & everything burned - which is a shame because at the last count, she had 22 pairs of brand new dr martins in boxes that I would’ve quite liked!😱

I am sorry for everyone that’s been in a similar situation, it really is awful. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one.

I haven’t had any help to deal with My childhood - I do feel content & happy with my life with no obvious residual trauma(But who knows!) but I have wondered before if I might need it when she dies - not from a losing her POV but more the fact I haven’t had a ‘proper’ mum & I might grieve for that.

My Grandparents have saved me from what could’ve been a disaster for me - I saw them as normal & my home life as not.

Thanks again, you’re all wonderful 😊

Somebody - I’m going to do exactly what you say - have everything written down & keep repeating it with having in my mind what the outcome needs to be!

Are all areas affected? I know you said she was covered in bites/ sores but you also mentioned it was her face, arms and legs. If less prominent on areas she can't reach as well I'd wonder if dermatitis artefacta/ delusional infestation was a possibility?

Couple on her back but mainly face/arms/leg/chest. I will look into the things you mentioned, thank you. Someone further up also mentioned could it be that she’s just dirty causing sores because of the fact she hasn’t cleaned for over 2 years!

@StarDolphins you said earlier I feel guilty abandoning someone to suffer

She is already suffering, letting professionals scoop her up is not abandoning her, it is a positive thing. Your mother may not like it, but, the current situation is distressing her, and therefore you.

You sound very caring and I'm glad you are able to consider your own needs. "Put your own oxygen mask on first", and all that.

Hmm true vivarium.... because they won’t handle her with kid gloves which I tend to do so as not to upset her! I’ve been avoiding the inevitable & I just know it’s going to be an upsetting bumpy ride ahead.

Doesn’t help that she has 2 elderly dogs that’s she’s had for 10+ years that by her own admission keep her going. They don’t have the greatest life in that 1 room but they’re old, happy with her & it’s all they’ve known so I’ll have the added upset of this too. I adore animals😭 & to upset these dogs as well will be heartbreaking for me.

I haven't read all the posts (I've read all your posts, OP) but I'm wondering if you can get someone physically in (paid) who can confirm whether it's bedbugs or not. That way, you will at least know whether you need to be worrying about changing your clothes / shoes etc. every time you visit her. That sounds so stressful! If it is bedbugs, at least you know, and if not, you can relieve the stress of the clothing changes and look for an alternative culprit.

Think I'd put her into rest bite to sort out the bed bugs. Get professionals in. Also pay someone to clear her house, why she's away.

Oh, dear, yes, that is an added difficulty. Well, two.

Animal welfare complicates things - are you happy the dogs are being looked after well enough? I'd guess that "fed, warm and clean" is probably the baseline for the RSPCA, so, add in "loved" and the lack of exercise space is probably balanced, if less than ideal. Are the dogs small? Are they a trip hazard for your mother?

The solution for her is an increased support package which allows her to stay in her own home. She would have to accept some decluttering to make it safe for staff. That is likely to be a challenge, if she chooses not to accommodate changes then she cannot have the support - there is a duty of care for the staff. The consequences of that will be her having increased difficulties - which will mean she suffers more, perhaps enough to make her reconsider. She is an adult with capacity. If she chooses to make her life uncomfortable then, while frustrating, it is her choice.

You didn't cause it, you cannot fix it and you don't need to exhaust yourself running around trying to make her poor decisions bearable, if she has capacity she needs to live with the consequences and maybe make better decisions!

Have a think about what you would do for her, that would not feel like a burden - e.g. a weekly visit or phone call, a regular practical task, a commitment to take the dogs if she moved, helping declutter so services can start, organising her finances, liasing with social services, becoming Power of Attorney. What would make you feel like you were helping her, but not overwhelmed?

More importantly - have a think about what you absolutely cannot do for her because it is too much...I expect that list is a lot easier to make.

Figure out your own boundaries. The state is there to scoop up the rest.

FWIW, you sound like a lovely mother yourself. Which is a fantastic thing, given that you were not parented in the way that you needed when you were your daughter's age. You deserve a big shiny for that.

Yes I think you’re right...I think I might have a stern chat with her Sat, Tell her (in a nice way!) that I’m basically logging off to this potty life of bugs now. Explicitly tell her it’s not mites, it’s something bigger & worse that will get worse & does she want me to ring a Company to get them to visit & confirm what it is? & exactly what needs to be done to fix it. If she I’m not met with a realisation & a yes, it then that has to be it for me. I can’t do it anymore.

@StarDolphins yes that sounds like a good plan... it sounds like an absolutely unbearable situation.

Attagirl.

Indulging her delusions and allowing her to exert control is not helpful. It is very hard to say "enough, we need to change this now".

Good for you.

I had a quick google - there are a couple of charities which provide support for hoarders. Might be worth having a chat with them, your mother's behaviour is bread and butter for these groups so they may have some helpful insight about next steps.

hoardinguk.org/support-groups/ has a helpline and forum

helpforhoarders.co.uk also help by phone and forum. and lots of hints and tips.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hoarding/about-hoarding/ Mind's pages on hoarding.

Thanks vivarium😊 the dogs are well looked after & very much loved (albeit fed too much!) she pays a dog walker etc. She has a collie & a chihuahua. I can’t take them to enable her house to be cleared as I have a dog & cat of my own. They could go into boarding for a week or so if my mum could get respite somewhere Which would enable the house to be cleared. This would be the best option which would mean they could all go back to the house.

It’s whether she will cooperate. But if she doesn’t then I’ve done everything I can!

Thanks will have a look at your links😊

Sounds like a solid plan to me.

Your mum is very lucky to have you. If she can't reciprocate your kindness and consideration, well, more fool her.

You do not have to be her carer.

In your shoes I would issue an ultimatum. Cooperate or I walk away and you are on your own.

And mean it.

I don't know whether your local council can help (I'm in Northern Ireland so it might be different) but our Environmental Health department have helped with this kind of thing. They work with a local multi agency support hub to deal with hoarding/ mental health issues and have arranged for clearance and fumigation for a lady locally.
Might be worth a call.

Similar situation but not the same
I mentioned the words Adult Safeguarding. A Safeguarding issue
My father’s partner was sectioned within a week
I also mentioned physical, mental and emotional harm risks posed to my father as her carer
In your situation that person is you
Pass the risk to the health and Local Authority
A geriatrician undertook a home visit with a specialist social worker
They both agreed situation high risk and she was sectioned
Refused to go in ambulance. Police had to be called
They actually handcuffed an 82 year old woman and carried her screaming into the ambulance in the middle of the night. We had to wait that long for a police crew to be free
No other service has the authority to do this
Good luck

@user1471082124

Similar situation but not the same I mentioned the words Adult Safeguarding. A Safeguarding issue My father’s partner was sectioned within a week I also mentioned physical, mental and emotional harm risks posed to my father as her carer In your situation that person is you Pass the risk to the health and Local Authority A geriatrician undertook a home visit with a specialist social worker They both agreed situation high risk and she was sectioned Refused to go in ambulance. Police had to be called They actually handcuffed an 82 year old woman and carried her screaming into the ambulance in the middle of the night. We had to wait that long for a police crew to be free No other service has the authority to do this Good luck

That’s dramatic but necessary in order to not to expose others to any further increased risk…..and also as PP have said carers.

In our situation the relative was actually very compliant and meek with the professionals went like a lamb - as she had saved all of her manipulative, fierce, exploitative nonsense for her DCs.

You sound like you have your head screwed on. Don’t get fixated on this recent detail of bites/mites - it just means you are up too close - the bigger picture is much more complex, challenging and dysfunctional.

Don’t concern yourself with treating bed bugs or mites - that’s just the tip of the iceberg - step right back and hand it all over to the professionals.

Be proud and satisfied that you have survived and that you have done more than enough for her and more than anyone else. But it’s time for a gear shift so that you can focus on yourself and your DD and not be consumed by the “needs” of your exploitative and manipulative mother. You can’t be in two emotional or physical places at once. Choose wisely and be proud of that choice.