My Mum & her bites

[StarDolphins]

I don’t know what to do anymore & looking for advice.

Background- my Mum had a terrible childhood, when she was 8 she watched her Mum die of cancer & was then left with her v strict emotionally absent Dad. She was then raped by a stranger in a park but never told anyone. This is obviously why she is the way she is.

She had my Sister & I but was an alcoholic all our childhood. I don’t remember day to day life as a child at all but I’m guessing we were neglected in some way as SS were involved & I was deemed ‘at risk’. I had many meetings/questions with SS & my Grandparents went to Court to try to get custody but failed. I do remember snippets like my mum being drunk & taken to hospital, 1 of her many ‘men friends’ throwing a brick through our window in the middle of the night, my sister being locked in her room naked with the windows nailed down because she’d stolen money & taken drugs. I remember coming home from School everyday to Billy Joel /Bruce Springsteen on loop & the house smelling constantly of smoke/alcohol. There are so many ridiculous things I remember too like her driving me in an ice-cream van & crashing it & being petrified & turning up drunk at my primary school on a horse with a bottle of wine in hand! She woke my up shouting in the middle of the night to bollock me because the dogs water bowl was empty! I do remember one time opening the door after School to the smell of spag Bol cooking, the TV on & no alcohol smell & I felt like the happiest most ‘normal’ child in the world - soon ended though as after she dropped my back home from girl guides that night, she stayed out all night & I was petrified worrying about her. There are man

My Mum is very clever & has a great SOH but I don’t remember a happy childhood apart from the one my wonderful Grandparents provided. But she can’t have been that bad or I’d have been taken off her?

I stayed there until I was 22 when our house got repossessed. She bought a mobile home & I moved into a house share. I bought a flat at 25 & the next 10ish years were calm(but not close) in our mother/daughter relationship.

She stopped drinking 30 years ago but is a reclusive hoarder. She sleeps on a day bed in the front room of her bungalow as all the other rooms are inaccessible.

My mum is now 76. At 67 she had a triple heart bypass then at 73 had 2 strokes & at 75 she broke her hip so she’s now practically immobile. Each time she hasn’t engaged with services (physio won’t work for this etc) & has self-discharged from hospital. She refused carers for a long time until I said I can’t do it all on my own. She now had carers 3 times per day & I go every Saturday with shopping/change her bed/clean as best I can! She hasn’t had a shower/bath in2 years. She has some very strange jobs for me considering she can hardly walk Or use her arms - wants her d.lic renewed ‘just incase’ & she had 3 cars sat outside rotting as she hasn’t driven them in 3 years!

I am literally the ONLY person she has bar the carers - she did have friends & a boyfriend but didn’t cultivate these relationships (I’d say she used them!) & cut them off for trivial/ridiculous reasons. So it’s just me.

I don’t even know if I love her or if I just feel sorry/ guilty/a duty to her...it’s all very surface from my perspective. I don’t get any pleasure from the relationship but I wouldn’t abandon her as she has no one.

SO, the current (& most stressful for me) Problem is that for the last 6 months she’s been getting bitten - first she said it was fleas that the carers were brining then in from another house, so she had me ordering frontline every 7 days for her dog. I deflead her bed area as much as I could over 3 weeks. Still getting bitten. Then she convinced herself it’s eyelash mites so wanted me to order plug ins/special powder/snoods/creams. She NEVER gets the Drs involved as she ‘doesn’t trust them‘ so always self diagnosed. I called the dr Out & because she told him what was wrong, they gave her this cream for eyelash mites. Still getting bitten. I am convinced it’s bedbugs & told her this, I offered to Get skips & clear the room so we could treat it properly or get a Company in - she ignored this (as I think she knows the company will tell her the room needs clearing) so now even though I’ve put 3 tubes of Lyclear all over her body to treat these mites & it hasn’t worked so it’s obvious it’s not mites! she’s texting me saying this will finish her off & please help me...with a list of ridiculous things she wants me to order from Amazon like dust mite plug ins etc!!! These are today’s texts...

Her : when is the snood coming, I’m swallowing the mites & it’s giving me heartburn

Me : it’s definitely not mites, we’ve treated you
For mites & the bites are just like bed bug bites & that’s the only thing we haven’t treated for...

Her : can you also order this mite powder...

I am literally so stressed, I have a lovely life, a beautiful 5 year old little girl, a lovely clean home Etc but this is just making me so sad, she’s refusing to accept/do anything substantial about this problem that’s getting worse & I just don’t know what to do? It’s such a mountain to climb on my own☹️

@Somebodylikeyew

I think you should ring social services and say that her mental and physical health are in decline and you can no longer cope with her care or keep her safe. Write some key sentences out before you ring them and keep saying them like a script if you need to.

Her physical and mental health have declined
I can no longer care for her or keep her safe
She is not following medical advice
Her home is unsanitary and dangerous
She cannot leave the house and i cannot sustain her care.
She is mentally unwell and vulnerable
I believe there to be a safeguarding risk to her.
Etc.

Also “set your intention” for the phone call. Write that down as well and keep looking at it whilst on the phone etc:
I will read my list to social services
I will explicitly say i cannot care for her
I will use the words “unsafe” and “safeguarding”
I will not agree to continuing care etc etc

I think you’ve tried really hard, but actually the professionals need to step in now. Best of luck. I’m really sorry for all she put you through

This is brilliant advice. Please do this OP.

Most look like self inflicted grazes, from scratching herself.

Once a scab forms, compulsive scratching and skin picking ([https://pickingme.org/about/what-is-dermatillomania.html dermotillomania]]) is fairly common.

Scabies

Bedbugs

Common bites and stings

It's not convincing to me that there's any infestation.

I'm prepared and happy to be wrong though.

Sorry. Forgot a bracket.

pickingme.org/about/what-is-dermatillomania.html

Has your mum's GP/mental health team considered delusional parasitosis?
It's a MH condition where a person is totally convinced they are infested with something (such as mites, can also be worms or other parasites). They can cause injury to themselves scratching or trying to remove the parasites.

do the carers give her a bed bath?
it could just be neglected skin
do you cut her nails?

i think a GP visit wouldnt be unreasonable

Those don't look like bites to me. It looks self inflicted. My ex MIL used to pick her skin until it bled when she was stressed or anxious. Do you think she could be doing it to herself?

Yes I’m not convinced either now. The fact they’re not itchy & looking back she has said some things I’ve thought as odd - she said the ‘mites’ are inside the sores & that she can feel them. Never seen her itch any of them but I have seen her constantly touching them.

The carers don’t give her bed baths. They’ve got a note on their system to ask her if she wants a bath but I think she obviously says no. She said only a man has asked her if she wants a bath. When I’ve talked to her about shower/bath saying you would feel much better if you had one, she seems to want one so I say ask the lady carers that you feel comfortable with & she says she will but never does & I don’t think they’re as persuasive as me - suppose all they can do is ask & if she says no then they’ll leave it. She has a chair in the bath that she could sit on but it would need 2 carers I think to shower her. She has no muscles/strength left as she didn’t engage with physio after her strokes/broken hip. She walks to the toilet using her frame & that’s it. Her arms don’t work that we’ll either due to strokes.

I think I will email the Drs again today (bet when they open their emails they’re like goodness me, another email from that woman about her mum!!) Tell them I can’t keep her safe & she needs more than I can do. Ask them to visit her & do a physical & MH assessment. I will also send pics & mention could it be delusional parasitosis. I will say she hasn’t had a bath/shower in over 2 years & that she doesn’t seem to recognise the risk of infected skin.

I don’t cut her nails, they just seem to break off Though as the never seem long. They are dirty though.

Sorry if you've already answered this, OP, but has she seen a GP?

• ah, it's in your first post.

She NEVER gets the Drs involved as she ‘doesn’t trust them‘ so always self diagnosed. I called the dr Out & because she told him what was wrong, they gave her this cream for eyelash mites.

Well, maybe worth a second opinion? I don't see how eyelash mites would be biting her arms?

• and cross posted! Argh, sorry, ignore me.

Sosick yes it’s possible she’s picking her skin - maybe partly some sort of anxiety & partly because she hasn’t showered in so long!☹️ One of the times I mentioned shower she said “why, do I smell”😱 I think she does want to be clean/fresh but the process of getting to that point is what’s putting her off. She seems to struggle asking the carers to do anything that needs doing, instead asking me. But I can’t (& don’t want) to shower her😭

Arabella, she only sees GP when I call them out! Then when they get there, she tells them the diagnosis🙄

Ask them to visit her & do a physical & MH assessment.
That wouldn't happen round here in a million years. He/She might phone her. We still hardly ever see GPs. But it is worth a try.

You are discussing things as if your DM is a rational person seeking medical help. She is a person who is not in the least rational or sensible.
Unfortunately unless she is deemed without capacity she will not get help. And as long as you help her she will continue as she is. She needs to be so ill that she is admitted to hospital. Then when her accommodation is checked for her discharge from hospital they will, hopefully, decide it is unsuitable and put her in a home of some sort.

If you do speak to her GP lay on the health issues strongly, eg she isn't eating, loss of strength, depressed, strange sores over body. You have to be emphatic as she, as you know, will insist it's all fine and nothing will change.

I just wanted to say what an amazing and loving daughter you are. Your post has rung so many chimes with me, from a different generation than where you are now.
Pps have given such helpful advice and links and I’m glad that you are seeing a way out of the quagmire that your mother has lured you into.
I cheer you on!

Yournurs - they do visit her when I’ve asked previously- called a couple of times but definitely done home visits too...I’m going to strongly request he visits ASAP as I can no longer keep her safe etc & say the things (& others) have said. I’m going to go through this post & write everything down. I’m going to insist, for her safety, someone goes.

Perseverance- thank you😊 I have read & taken in every link that’s on this thread, it’s all been so helpful for me to see what I’ve been doing for so long. Posting on here has been the most help I have ever received & I will continue to come back to it.

"I just wanted to say what an amazing and loving daughter you are"
I concur with @PerseverancePays.

I couldn't read and run as I totally understand what you are talking about.Been there, done it and have the t-shirt. Forget your mum for this second and get counseling to understand that you are in a codependent relationship and taking part in a drama triangle.
You either have two options, try and help your mum whilst raising your child and you run yourself into the ground or you step back and take a hands off approach and allow what needs to happen happen. You are not responsible for her failures and shortcomings, you are responsible for you. Navigating her mental health will cause mental anguish for you and may affect how you mother your child. Everyone has choices in life and the road she has chosen is down to her and no one else. The only time you will be able to replace her bed is when she is in hospital.. doing so whilst she is there may make things more difficult. What does need to be done is get her mental capacity assessed and ask the geatric consultant about Diogenes syndrome. I cared for my mum for 7 years and now she is in a care home.. I was terrified at first but it's the best thing that has happened with minor hiccups in comparison to how it was before.. all I will say is before you sort your mum out..sort you first

@independent98 - brilliant post. The OP needs to focus on her own recovery from an abusive and traumatic childhood so that she can extract herself from the dysfunctional codependent relationship she still has with her mother so that she herself can be fully present and enjoy her own motherhood and her DD has the best childhood. Can’t be in two emotional places at once. It’s also so complex that requires a multi disciplinary / agency approach way beyond any single persons capacity.

I hope OP that you are able to make the phone calls and learn to detach / step back when you are triggered.,

A relative showed us sores not too different to those in the photos. Eventually they were diagnosed with dementia. Imagining bugs crawling on them is common in several types of dementia. Others are fear that someone is breaking in, people conspiring against them, saying they are managing and can feed/wash themselves when actually they can’t, not wanting to leave the home. However, it’s common with other mental illnesses too. We reckon it was years before diagnosis this was gradually happening.
Write down a timeline of everything you have tried to give creams etc to the GP and adult social care.
Also echo what apps have said and try and take time for yourself too. We had to ‘compartmentalise’ about it and not think too much some days to conserve our own health.

Everyone here has given great advice.
From reading the posts, it is a clear case of self neglect. It is her mental health that is causing this. I know that it is heart wrenching and scary however in addition to the advice I provided above please note the following:
Get a carers assessment (find your local carers centre online) if you choose to continue in your role and have a little more fight left then this will provide help in order to continue with the caring role.
Understand though that if you are her registered carer, you are legally responsible for her and you can be prosecuted for any damages she incurs onto herself ( my mother is a diabetic and had cut her legs and refused medical treatment severely that she nearly needed her legs cut off and as her registered carer they were looking for someone to blame for the state she had gotten herself in but the evidence I held meant they could clearly see every avenue was taken).
Call the ambulance and tell them Your mum is acting delerius or something of the nature and get her into hospital- they will be able to assess her bed bites, mental health and request a social services assessment and ensure that she has an elderly mental health worker.
Do not clean her home as when it gets to the point Of discharge they will need to assess the home ( when my mum went into hospital, I used to spend days cleaning her home for the fear of judgement so whenever they assessed her home they always deemed her fit to return).
Ensure that when you speak to anyone, you clearly state that you cannot support with the caring role and that she is a danger to herself.

You are strong and will get through this and although you are an amazing daughter, it is time for her to get outside support that is beyond your capacity.

@RantyAunty

It sounds awlful.

I'd get tough with her.

Get the company to clean up her place and treat the house. I don't think I'd ask. Just do it.

If she kicks off, tell her she's going into a home.
Of course she's going to be itching in a filthy place, and not having bathed in years.

If she is deemed competent (which I admit seems questionable at this point) then no one gets to insist she clears a room, or lets anyone in to treat for bedbugs, nor can anyone insist she goes into a home.

OP are adult social services involved? I suggest you ask them to do an assessment.

Hi I've namechanged for this because I don't want this very outing info linked to my usual username.

Your mum sounds a LOT like mine, and I've never come across anyone else with a similar mum. I was her main carer from a very young age. Mine died of cancer because she refused chemo and didn't trust doctors. Refused the capacity assessment when they tried to refer her to MH etc.

She had Paranoid Personality Disorder. It's really rare and usually occurs in men so MH professionals don't seem to check for it in women. Look it up. Paranoia is the tip of the iceberg of symptoms.

Obviously I can't say your mum has the same thing as MH is complicated and I've only read this one thread whereas you've lived with her. But maybe mention to the doctors and social services if you think it resonates as they may have specific strategies to work with her or to be able to assess her properly if they know what they're dealing with.

And FWIW we didn't end up in care until the very end. It wasn't because she was a good mum, it was because she was so good at hiding it and cultivating an undying loyalty in me and my sister which meant we thought we were protecting her by telling everyone that life at home was fine. Along with the fact we didn't know how messed up it was because we had no frame of reference.

If you can get a power of attorney for health and also finances at this stage and get her to sign it with a witness that would be useful.

Also we had a good care home for our relative and they were happy, well looked after and well fed. They had animals too. The hardest bit was at the stage you are at now - a young doctor told us this - and looking back she was right.

Don’t worry about her being forced into a home if you go to Adult Social Care - in my experience they will try to keep people in their own homes as it is easier and cheaper.

You are lovely to be so patient with her.

When my similar relative went to her care home her health and lifestyle was vastly improved with 24 hour round the clock care. It was a huge satisfaction to see her put on weight as well as a huge relief to us all that she was safe - because we had so many incidents that required ambulances/fire-brigade having to break into her house when she had locked herself in and fallen etc. This really is the worst time worried that they will have some horrific accident - I hope that you all get the support and outcome that you need soon. My relative was moved within a fortnight.

If you can get a power of attorney for health and also finances at this stage and get her to sign it with a witness that would be useful.

I'm not sure about this, it is her who would be applying to set in place a POA with named attorneys, and it's possible she has no capacity to decide this.

Putting a POA in place does not mean you can manage her finances and health without her consent, it has to be activated before this can happen when needed.

Check on gov.uk where you will find the government's explanation of POA.