My Mum & her bites

[StarDolphins]

I don’t know what to do anymore & looking for advice.

Background- my Mum had a terrible childhood, when she was 8 she watched her Mum die of cancer & was then left with her v strict emotionally absent Dad. She was then raped by a stranger in a park but never told anyone. This is obviously why she is the way she is.

She had my Sister & I but was an alcoholic all our childhood. I don’t remember day to day life as a child at all but I’m guessing we were neglected in some way as SS were involved & I was deemed ‘at risk’. I had many meetings/questions with SS & my Grandparents went to Court to try to get custody but failed. I do remember snippets like my mum being drunk & taken to hospital, 1 of her many ‘men friends’ throwing a brick through our window in the middle of the night, my sister being locked in her room naked with the windows nailed down because she’d stolen money & taken drugs. I remember coming home from School everyday to Billy Joel /Bruce Springsteen on loop & the house smelling constantly of smoke/alcohol. There are so many ridiculous things I remember too like her driving me in an ice-cream van & crashing it & being petrified & turning up drunk at my primary school on a horse with a bottle of wine in hand! She woke my up shouting in the middle of the night to bollock me because the dogs water bowl was empty! I do remember one time opening the door after School to the smell of spag Bol cooking, the TV on & no alcohol smell & I felt like the happiest most ‘normal’ child in the world - soon ended though as after she dropped my back home from girl guides that night, she stayed out all night & I was petrified worrying about her. There are man

My Mum is very clever & has a great SOH but I don’t remember a happy childhood apart from the one my wonderful Grandparents provided. But she can’t have been that bad or I’d have been taken off her?

I stayed there until I was 22 when our house got repossessed. She bought a mobile home & I moved into a house share. I bought a flat at 25 & the next 10ish years were calm(but not close) in our mother/daughter relationship.

She stopped drinking 30 years ago but is a reclusive hoarder. She sleeps on a day bed in the front room of her bungalow as all the other rooms are inaccessible.

My mum is now 76. At 67 she had a triple heart bypass then at 73 had 2 strokes & at 75 she broke her hip so she’s now practically immobile. Each time she hasn’t engaged with services (physio won’t work for this etc) & has self-discharged from hospital. She refused carers for a long time until I said I can’t do it all on my own. She now had carers 3 times per day & I go every Saturday with shopping/change her bed/clean as best I can! She hasn’t had a shower/bath in2 years. She has some very strange jobs for me considering she can hardly walk Or use her arms - wants her d.lic renewed ‘just incase’ & she had 3 cars sat outside rotting as she hasn’t driven them in 3 years!

I am literally the ONLY person she has bar the carers - she did have friends & a boyfriend but didn’t cultivate these relationships (I’d say she used them!) & cut them off for trivial/ridiculous reasons. So it’s just me.

I don’t even know if I love her or if I just feel sorry/ guilty/a duty to her...it’s all very surface from my perspective. I don’t get any pleasure from the relationship but I wouldn’t abandon her as she has no one.

SO, the current (& most stressful for me) Problem is that for the last 6 months she’s been getting bitten - first she said it was fleas that the carers were brining then in from another house, so she had me ordering frontline every 7 days for her dog. I deflead her bed area as much as I could over 3 weeks. Still getting bitten. Then she convinced herself it’s eyelash mites so wanted me to order plug ins/special powder/snoods/creams. She NEVER gets the Drs involved as she ‘doesn’t trust them‘ so always self diagnosed. I called the dr Out & because she told him what was wrong, they gave her this cream for eyelash mites. Still getting bitten. I am convinced it’s bedbugs & told her this, I offered to Get skips & clear the room so we could treat it properly or get a Company in - she ignored this (as I think she knows the company will tell her the room needs clearing) so now even though I’ve put 3 tubes of Lyclear all over her body to treat these mites & it hasn’t worked so it’s obvious it’s not mites! she’s texting me saying this will finish her off & please help me...with a list of ridiculous things she wants me to order from Amazon like dust mite plug ins etc!!! These are today’s texts...

Her : when is the snood coming, I’m swallowing the mites & it’s giving me heartburn

Me : it’s definitely not mites, we’ve treated you
For mites & the bites are just like bed bug bites & that’s the only thing we haven’t treated for...

Her : can you also order this mite powder...

I am literally so stressed, I have a lovely life, a beautiful 5 year old little girl, a lovely clean home Etc but this is just making me so sad, she’s refusing to accept/do anything substantial about this problem that’s getting worse & I just don’t know what to do? It’s such a mountain to climb on my own☹️

@TheOccupier

How are you and your mum doing now *@StarDolphins*? Just thinking of you.

@TheOccupier in a nutshell, much the same! With the difference being, I actually feel better because my reactions are improving.

I gave her the number for pest control - she rang them but told them it’s mites so they said they didn’t treat mites so can’t attend. I told her to ring them back & say you don’t know what’s biting you but something is & could they come & assess. She hasn’t done this.

I have had to get pest control out to mine as I’ve had a rat in my cavity wall/loft/garden that’s coming from next doors soil stack & the lady that came was so lovely so I seized the opportunity to speak to her about my mum - she goes to cluttered/hoarding houses quite a lot & she said mostly they’re reluctant to clear the rooms to an adequate standard to enable effective treatment! So there ends up being little change.

Dr rang me last week & said he’ll ‘schedule a home visit’ with the social worker.

So still quite the same situation but I am emotionally distances & keeping in my mind that I can’t force her to be responsible & it’s not my fault & I can’t fix it. I keep coming back to this thread & re-reading the advice, it’s been such a massive help.

I am also in the middle of changing jobs which would mean I can go to my mum’s on a Friday which would leave the whole weekend to focus on my little girl & myself.

Thank you for thing of me😊

Sounds positive overall - well done. Hang in there!

Delurking to say glad you are finding it easier to distance yourself.

@StarDolphins I've also been thinking of you. This is also a tricky subject for me - another hoarders daughter here and I've been NC for a year now.

I'd tell your mother a half-lie here and keep your hours of your new job to yourself. This will allow you to step back when the pressure gets too much - she will still continue to rely on you to sort things on a weekly basis - you'll find your Friday's will be chaotic and exhausting before you know it.

This isn't a normal level of care that she needs. She expects you to sort everything for her.

@LittleEsme thank you! You are so right. It’s not a normal level of care that I had with my Grandparents, it’s different & chaotic & in any & every crisis, she texts with ‘help me/feel like you’ve abandoned me’ if she thinks I’m not frantically trying to fix whatever it is. I am realising this now, I’ve done a LOT of thinking & reading these past couple of weeks.

I got the job so I told her yesterday I will be swapping my day seeing her to a Friday Because I will have to work Saturday- this is a fib as I will be off all weekend but I want to spend it uninterrupted now with my little girl, I want to get a bit of life babk for myself too to see my friends etc.

I know being untruthful is not great & I should be able to be firm & say I want to have weekends for me & my little girl but I feel too guilty! She does say a lot of ‘of course yes, anytime you can come is good’ but also when she’s been ‘funny’ in the past she’ll tell me you only get 1 mum & she would do anything to spend time with her mum! So best to keep it to I have to work Saturday!

Thank you & sorry you’ve been in a similar situation- it’s really not nice! I couldn’t, unfortunately, go NC as she literally has no one else! Although life would be much easier & less stressful😊

Star Dolphins

Congratulations on the new job and your boundaries too are also improving slowly but surely.

Re your comment:-
"I couldn’t, unfortunately, go NC as she literally has no one else!"

That is of her doing, not yours. Your above comment is really no reason or basis not to go no contact with her; that is your fear, obligation (that in particular) and guilt talking and she installed those buttons in you and knows how to press them too.

You are still sadly very much mired in FOG. Your mother still wants to put her own self first and with you doing that for her at your overall expense. You absolutely need to drop the rope she holds out to you entirely here and you do not owe her a relationship, not that you've ever been able to have one of those with her. You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I am still immobilised by her, I absolutely know this & what you say, I’m agreeing totally agreeing with. It’s like, I’m logical enough to actually know what I ‘should‘ be doing & what I would be advising my friends to do if In a similar situation.... but, I just can’t seem to do it🙄 going NC would improve my life immensely but at the same time not. I am gripped by guilt/obligation & I know I am & I know it’s ridiculous.

I have stayed at a job I dislike for far longer than I should due to fear of when she dies & the fact I would need at least a month off work to work at her house clearing it on my own- my current employer would let me have the (unpaid) time off to do this. So a big step for me has been getting a new job while having ‘clearing her house when she dies’ hanging over me. This is a small step I know.

Yesterday, she said “I’m sorry for not being a good mum” & I said it’s ok but in my mind I thought well, you could’ve been if you
got help & put your child first but because I’m such a wuss & have been programmed not to upset her, I Reassured her with ‘well at least you don’t drink now’

Sad thing is, when she does die- I will be heartbroken & it will be for what we didn’t have rather than what we did😭

I am so disappointed in the whole thing & myself. like you say, she absolutely puts her self first, I know this, I really do.

I am strong & logical in every other part of my life bar this & I know it’s not my fault, it’s hers but like you quite rightly said, I feel obligated. She’s sat in that disgusting house with no life & only has her dogs & me that love her & I don’t even I love her or the relationship we’ve had, I just feel duty bound & sorry for her.

I’m mad she wasn’t a good mum & sad I didn’t have a good mum!

I have been feeling better lately because I don't feel consumed by her/it. I’ve passed some responsibility back to her & I’m not petrified every time the phone rings incase it’s a crisis but it’s probably not enough really, Because it’s a quiet period with her currently, I’m just kicking the fan down the road

Thank you😊

Can down the road😂sorry, my glasses are in my work bag😂