My Mum & her bites

[StarDolphins]

I don’t know what to do anymore & looking for advice.

Background- my Mum had a terrible childhood, when she was 8 she watched her Mum die of cancer & was then left with her v strict emotionally absent Dad. She was then raped by a stranger in a park but never told anyone. This is obviously why she is the way she is.

She had my Sister & I but was an alcoholic all our childhood. I don’t remember day to day life as a child at all but I’m guessing we were neglected in some way as SS were involved & I was deemed ‘at risk’. I had many meetings/questions with SS & my Grandparents went to Court to try to get custody but failed. I do remember snippets like my mum being drunk & taken to hospital, 1 of her many ‘men friends’ throwing a brick through our window in the middle of the night, my sister being locked in her room naked with the windows nailed down because she’d stolen money & taken drugs. I remember coming home from School everyday to Billy Joel /Bruce Springsteen on loop & the house smelling constantly of smoke/alcohol. There are so many ridiculous things I remember too like her driving me in an ice-cream van & crashing it & being petrified & turning up drunk at my primary school on a horse with a bottle of wine in hand! She woke my up shouting in the middle of the night to bollock me because the dogs water bowl was empty! I do remember one time opening the door after School to the smell of spag Bol cooking, the TV on & no alcohol smell & I felt like the happiest most ‘normal’ child in the world - soon ended though as after she dropped my back home from girl guides that night, she stayed out all night & I was petrified worrying about her. There are man

My Mum is very clever & has a great SOH but I don’t remember a happy childhood apart from the one my wonderful Grandparents provided. But she can’t have been that bad or I’d have been taken off her?

I stayed there until I was 22 when our house got repossessed. She bought a mobile home & I moved into a house share. I bought a flat at 25 & the next 10ish years were calm(but not close) in our mother/daughter relationship.

She stopped drinking 30 years ago but is a reclusive hoarder. She sleeps on a day bed in the front room of her bungalow as all the other rooms are inaccessible.

My mum is now 76. At 67 she had a triple heart bypass then at 73 had 2 strokes & at 75 she broke her hip so she’s now practically immobile. Each time she hasn’t engaged with services (physio won’t work for this etc) & has self-discharged from hospital. She refused carers for a long time until I said I can’t do it all on my own. She now had carers 3 times per day & I go every Saturday with shopping/change her bed/clean as best I can! She hasn’t had a shower/bath in2 years. She has some very strange jobs for me considering she can hardly walk Or use her arms - wants her d.lic renewed ‘just incase’ & she had 3 cars sat outside rotting as she hasn’t driven them in 3 years!

I am literally the ONLY person she has bar the carers - she did have friends & a boyfriend but didn’t cultivate these relationships (I’d say she used them!) & cut them off for trivial/ridiculous reasons. So it’s just me.

I don’t even know if I love her or if I just feel sorry/ guilty/a duty to her...it’s all very surface from my perspective. I don’t get any pleasure from the relationship but I wouldn’t abandon her as she has no one.

SO, the current (& most stressful for me) Problem is that for the last 6 months she’s been getting bitten - first she said it was fleas that the carers were brining then in from another house, so she had me ordering frontline every 7 days for her dog. I deflead her bed area as much as I could over 3 weeks. Still getting bitten. Then she convinced herself it’s eyelash mites so wanted me to order plug ins/special powder/snoods/creams. She NEVER gets the Drs involved as she ‘doesn’t trust them‘ so always self diagnosed. I called the dr Out & because she told him what was wrong, they gave her this cream for eyelash mites. Still getting bitten. I am convinced it’s bedbugs & told her this, I offered to Get skips & clear the room so we could treat it properly or get a Company in - she ignored this (as I think she knows the company will tell her the room needs clearing) so now even though I’ve put 3 tubes of Lyclear all over her body to treat these mites & it hasn’t worked so it’s obvious it’s not mites! she’s texting me saying this will finish her off & please help me...with a list of ridiculous things she wants me to order from Amazon like dust mite plug ins etc!!! These are today’s texts...

Her : when is the snood coming, I’m swallowing the mites & it’s giving me heartburn

Me : it’s definitely not mites, we’ve treated you
For mites & the bites are just like bed bug bites & that’s the only thing we haven’t treated for...

Her : can you also order this mite powder...

I am literally so stressed, I have a lovely life, a beautiful 5 year old little girl, a lovely clean home Etc but this is just making me so sad, she’s refusing to accept/do anything substantial about this problem that’s getting worse & I just don’t know what to do? It’s such a mountain to climb on my own☹️

I agree with going back to the GP.
Did she have all the sores when she was in hospital before.

And yes, there are companies that do hoarder cleanup. google hoarder clean out or de clutter.

I had the job of clearing out my mother's place after she died.

I mistakenly did it myself. I swung between sobbing uncontrollably and being angry while doing it. I discovered many things in the mess than I'd rather not known.

She used everyone else in her life
Why do you think she isn’t using you

I’m sorry she had a terrible childhood, it genuinely sounds awful. But so does yours, and you aren’t treating your little girl the way she treated you.
Her childhood does not excuse the behaviour of someone in their 70s
These are the choices she has made. You will never fix her. You will never make her the mum you wanted/needed. You will never have that childhood you wanted. This is.l a Type of grief to accept

Why are you helping her? Would you help someone else who wouldn’t accept it or help themselves? If not what’s different? What’s your hope for the outcome? I think you need to figure all of these things out and that will give you some clarity on how you want to proceed.

I do agree with pp though, she doesn’t want to help herself, you cannot ‘save’ her. And it’s not your responsibility to.
You have offered help, you’ve offered support. You’ve offered company. You’ve covered her sores in cream. You’ve stuck by her after the childhood you had, what more can you do.

I agree she needs a full mental health assessment from the gp, not simply to address her capacity for consent in relation to degenerative diseases such as dementia but to assess for mental health conditions that might be altering her thinking.

And you need to fight for social services involvement, should be easier with a diagnosis from doctors. But either way, ensure you emphasise to them that she is a Very Vulnerable Person and state why. You might need to be a broken record with this.

You could reach out to Age UK, I haven't had many dealings with them but they may well be able to help. If you search online, there are also specialist cleaning companies that deal with clearing out and deep cleaning homes for people with health conditions who've been unable to manage to keep on top of things. As well as them being able to help with the house, they might have insight and contacts in helping you find a way forward - you never know!

Definitely build up your support network, if you haven't spike to your gp about the pressure you're under then do. And look into weather your eligible for carers allowance etc.

You can call pest control companies to come and fumigate for bed bugs which should deal with the presenting problem.

Good luck and don't despair

Fluenty she does use me I’m sure - the Silent treatment of years ago doesn’t happen now as she needs me & knows she only has me me. I’m under no illusions about the fact she’s nice because she needs me to help her. She was the same with her boyfriend - he was lovely too. I excuse a lot because of her childhood but part of me is mad because she should’ve got help instead of ruining mine & my sister’s childhood!

I will be eternally grateful to my wonderful grandparents for taking me on as their own & showing me ‘normal’.

Ranty, I will do everything I can not to clear that house out - I did used to want childhood pics of me & my sister to show my little girl but I’ve asked my mum for 20 years for some & haven’t got them so I’m not bothered anymore! I don’t want anything from her house so will just not go in when she’s no longer here.

Thank you all so much, I think the replies some of you might class as harsh are what I already know/think anyway. It’s just hard to act on them as I feel guilty abandoning someone to suffer that has no one but I can see I am subconsciously suspecting I will distance myself from the intensity of the situation which is why I’ve come for advice here. I’ve thought about posting for a while but always just got on with it instead.

Thank you all so much, I’ve read/re-read all your replies 😊

She had a few sores before she broke her hip but none when she came out & they’ve gradually come back. She also got a lot better for a few weeks when her old mattress got chucked & a mediquip one replaced it but again after a month the. It’s started again.

I excuse a lot because of her childhood

Just to repeat. Your childhood was abusive too. And yet you are not abusing your little girl.

I did contact 2 places about prices for heat/gas treatment for what I think is bed bugs & exploded her living conditions & they both said the room needs to be clear or the treatment won’t work! & upto now she’s ignoring any mention of bedbugs anyway so that’s way down the line & tbh, I can’t clear it now! I offered couple of months ago to get skips when I was working from home (saving a 2 hour commute) but now I’m in the office 5 days then I pick my little girl up from School then play the rest of the day/get tea etc. It would literally take many many full days to clear the house & its only a small bungalow.

Are you sure they are bites and not 'just' sores from now washing for so long?
Agree she needs social services involved.

You need to focus on you and your DD.

Your DM had a bad child hood, you had a bad childhood and your DDs childhood will be compromised already due to the inadequate parenting you got and compounded by the preoccupied state you find yourself in right now - but this current bit you can control.

These situations NEVER resolve - you can choose to keep clinging and hoping and fall down the rabbit hole with her. Or you can step right back and emotionally detach in your head. Ensure all care is outsourced.

Your DMs health will decline and this is going to get messy - don’t get dragged into the final squalid chapter - step back and focus your energy on your child.

I have seen this up close many times - don’t waste your time it’s only going one way.

I would speak to the carers and ask them to refer it to an adult social worker because they could be at risk as well. It’s worth a try .

We had to move my parents closer to us and in the end I had to get a company in to clear the house. It was very sad and I felt really bad but I had no time and could not face it to be honest . I really sympathise .

Very true fluenty, I know this, I really do. Half of me feels guilt for not making everything ok for her & feel somehow responsible for her & the other half feels annoyed at her for mine & my sisters childhood & not being a good mum to us! My little girls has & will have everything I didn’t have & more!

Sorry I think it’s time you called in adult social services

ESG I know you’re right. I need to detach emotionally/physically from this & outsource care - I can’t deal emotionally with the ridiculousness of putting creams on etc when I know it’s pointless, the stress is too much. I am going to text her tomorrow & say I will order whatever she wants still, order scripts, take shopping but she’ll have to ask carers to do the other stuff. She bosses me about something rotten but will never ask the carers to do anything!!

I’m scared of escalating it to social worker incase they withdraw care then it willl all be left to me - just me & her dealing with her terrifies me!

Just get pest control in to spray for bed bugs!

I’m scared of escalating it to social worker incase they withdraw care then it willl all be left to me
If you show willingness to deal with it then they will push it on to you. For your dd's sake and your's you have to be very firm that you cannot deal with her care. It will feel awful but it's the only way to get proper help for your mum.

I truly feel for you. You're a kind person and trying to be a good daughter.

You've got your own lo to take care of and she needs you not stressed out so much over this.

I've been through this with my mum and it's just awlful. After she had broken her hip, she couldn't go back to her home. The rehab place told us we had to basically abandon her in order for the ss to take over. Hardest thing ever to do.

Having them step in and getting her out of that mess and proper care, would be the kindest thing you could do for her even when it feels the opposite.

@RantyAunty

I truly feel for you. You're a kind person and trying to be a good daughter.

You've got your own lo to take care of and she needs you not stressed out so much over this.

I've been through this with my mum and it's just awlful. After she had broken her hip, she couldn't go back to her home. The rehab place told us we had to basically abandon her in order for the ss to take over. Hardest thing ever to do.

Having them step in and getting her out of that mess and proper care, would be the kindest thing you could do for her even when it feels the opposite.

I agree completely with this. You sound lovely OP - and strong for having overcome your childhood but you need to prioritise your dd and yourself and also realise that the only hope for help for your mum is making it clear you cannot be her carer.

From a practical point of view if it is bedbugs (and it sounds like it is) you will be absolutely unable to clear them with your mum's house as it is. It isn't as simple as getting pest control in to spray. I speak from bitter experience here. To clear them you need to bag every single piece of cloth in the house - pillows/blankets/towels/ clothes/cushions/tea towels/coats etc. and put them through a hot dryer for at least 40 minutes. You need to leave everything bagged and live out of the bag while they spray and then 3 weeks later they spray again. And even then it is hit or miss if it erradicates them - especially a well established infection like your mum may have. The only thing that truly works is high heat treatment - heating the whole house to very high temps for hours. Your mum would have to be out of the house for that. I can't see any of that happening in her current state.

And again, practically, please make sure you don't track them home with you - again I speak from bitter experience. My uni student child brought them home from a bedsit and it was grim. When you come back from your mum's strip everything you are wearing before you go upstairs and put it into a bag for the dryer - 40 mins at high heat. Washing won't work, high heat will.

Best of luck OP. You are trying your best but sometimes you have to step back to make things happen and you definitely deserve to put yourself and your dd first.

She needs a mental health assessment and an adult social care referral as a minimum I'd say.

What's her housing situation? Does she own or rent? Sorry if you said and I missed it. I assume if she rents its local authority as private landlords would do regular inspections. Could you involve them?

her skin needs cleaning, she needs regular showers,
do the carers shower her?
ask them to
do they change her sheets?

What a terrible situation. I really feel for you. Unfortunately I don’t have any advice to add, but I can tell you that eyelash mites (demodex) do not bite! I’m sure you are unable to reason with her but I agree it definitely sounds like bed bugs and I would be worried about bringing them home.

Could you get to access to the accounts she’s buying stuff from firstly and remove her bank card or perhaps restrict her internet usage . Maybe you need to get an assessment for poa to try and stop the buying .
My own parents are similar . They have a bed in the living room coz their bedroom is damp and my Ddad got pneumonia last Christmas and was in hospital , the amount of cardboard boxes blocking the window stops them accessing the window . Their flat is filled to the brim and they can’t stop buying stuff . Random shit like how you say about your Mum buying a cooker and she don’t cook … my mum buys cleaning stuff , she rarely cleans if ever . She bought a mop and you can’t see the floor in their kitchen never mind go to mop it ! It’s almost like she knows what she should be doing or buys what she thinks other people buy .

Sadly I can’t do it anymore like you say , I’ve ordered skips 3 times and then I go back to the flat and it’s all piled up again . You can’t get into either bedroom it’s floor to ceiling and the amount of clothes thrown in you could open a shop !
I don’t go round anymore . Coz I feel sad seeing how they live when they are basically putting shit above their own health and happiness .
Sometimes I guess you have to put yourself first . It’s an emotional drain on you too :( it’s hard seeing it and I understand coz I hate going there seeing how they are living . I refuse to go in the kitchen coz my partner and my son tell me it’s bad and I haven’t got the energy , emotionally or physically , anymore to help them coz they won’t help themselves .

You need to I guess give her an ultimatum, she either clears the place and gets stops spending money or you won’t visit anymore . And mean it and walk away coz some people just can’t be helped :(

Hi OP, I'm sorry. Agree with others here that she needs more help from professionals, and that you probably have to resign yourself to her making things difficult for herself for the rest of her life.

And don't blame yourself for finding it hard to accept and grieving about it. My mum is stuck in the butt of beyond where an abusive partner, now dead, blackmailed her to move. I know it's her choice to stay there and she is getting by, but I'm still sad about it.

I think you should ring social services and say that her mental and physical health are in decline and you can no longer cope with her care or keep her safe. Write some key sentences out before you ring them and keep saying them like a script if you need to.

Her physical and mental health have declined
I can no longer care for her or keep her safe
She is not following medical advice
Her home is unsanitary and dangerous
She cannot leave the house and i cannot sustain her care.
She is mentally unwell and vulnerable
I believe there to be a safeguarding risk to her.
Etc.

Also “set your intention” for the phone call. Write that down as well and keep looking at it whilst on the phone etc:
I will read my list to social services
I will explicitly say i cannot care for her
I will use the words “unsafe” and “safeguarding”
I will not agree to continuing care etc etc

I think you’ve tried really hard, but actually the professionals need to step in now. Best of luck. I’m really sorry for all she put you through