My Mum & her bites

[StarDolphins]

I don’t know what to do anymore & looking for advice.

Background- my Mum had a terrible childhood, when she was 8 she watched her Mum die of cancer & was then left with her v strict emotionally absent Dad. She was then raped by a stranger in a park but never told anyone. This is obviously why she is the way she is.

She had my Sister & I but was an alcoholic all our childhood. I don’t remember day to day life as a child at all but I’m guessing we were neglected in some way as SS were involved & I was deemed ‘at risk’. I had many meetings/questions with SS & my Grandparents went to Court to try to get custody but failed. I do remember snippets like my mum being drunk & taken to hospital, 1 of her many ‘men friends’ throwing a brick through our window in the middle of the night, my sister being locked in her room naked with the windows nailed down because she’d stolen money & taken drugs. I remember coming home from School everyday to Billy Joel /Bruce Springsteen on loop & the house smelling constantly of smoke/alcohol. There are so many ridiculous things I remember too like her driving me in an ice-cream van & crashing it & being petrified & turning up drunk at my primary school on a horse with a bottle of wine in hand! She woke my up shouting in the middle of the night to bollock me because the dogs water bowl was empty! I do remember one time opening the door after School to the smell of spag Bol cooking, the TV on & no alcohol smell & I felt like the happiest most ‘normal’ child in the world - soon ended though as after she dropped my back home from girl guides that night, she stayed out all night & I was petrified worrying about her. There are man

My Mum is very clever & has a great SOH but I don’t remember a happy childhood apart from the one my wonderful Grandparents provided. But she can’t have been that bad or I’d have been taken off her?

I stayed there until I was 22 when our house got repossessed. She bought a mobile home & I moved into a house share. I bought a flat at 25 & the next 10ish years were calm(but not close) in our mother/daughter relationship.

She stopped drinking 30 years ago but is a reclusive hoarder. She sleeps on a day bed in the front room of her bungalow as all the other rooms are inaccessible.

My mum is now 76. At 67 she had a triple heart bypass then at 73 had 2 strokes & at 75 she broke her hip so she’s now practically immobile. Each time she hasn’t engaged with services (physio won’t work for this etc) & has self-discharged from hospital. She refused carers for a long time until I said I can’t do it all on my own. She now had carers 3 times per day & I go every Saturday with shopping/change her bed/clean as best I can! She hasn’t had a shower/bath in2 years. She has some very strange jobs for me considering she can hardly walk Or use her arms - wants her d.lic renewed ‘just incase’ & she had 3 cars sat outside rotting as she hasn’t driven them in 3 years!

I am literally the ONLY person she has bar the carers - she did have friends & a boyfriend but didn’t cultivate these relationships (I’d say she used them!) & cut them off for trivial/ridiculous reasons. So it’s just me.

I don’t even know if I love her or if I just feel sorry/ guilty/a duty to her...it’s all very surface from my perspective. I don’t get any pleasure from the relationship but I wouldn’t abandon her as she has no one.

SO, the current (& most stressful for me) Problem is that for the last 6 months she’s been getting bitten - first she said it was fleas that the carers were brining then in from another house, so she had me ordering frontline every 7 days for her dog. I deflead her bed area as much as I could over 3 weeks. Still getting bitten. Then she convinced herself it’s eyelash mites so wanted me to order plug ins/special powder/snoods/creams. She NEVER gets the Drs involved as she ‘doesn’t trust them‘ so always self diagnosed. I called the dr Out & because she told him what was wrong, they gave her this cream for eyelash mites. Still getting bitten. I am convinced it’s bedbugs & told her this, I offered to Get skips & clear the room so we could treat it properly or get a Company in - she ignored this (as I think she knows the company will tell her the room needs clearing) so now even though I’ve put 3 tubes of Lyclear all over her body to treat these mites & it hasn’t worked so it’s obvious it’s not mites! she’s texting me saying this will finish her off & please help me...with a list of ridiculous things she wants me to order from Amazon like dust mite plug ins etc!!! These are today’s texts...

Her : when is the snood coming, I’m swallowing the mites & it’s giving me heartburn

Me : it’s definitely not mites, we’ve treated you
For mites & the bites are just like bed bug bites & that’s the only thing we haven’t treated for...

Her : can you also order this mite powder...

I am literally so stressed, I have a lovely life, a beautiful 5 year old little girl, a lovely clean home Etc but this is just making me so sad, she’s refusing to accept/do anything substantial about this problem that’s getting worse & I just don’t know what to do? It’s such a mountain to climb on my own☹️

Could you get social services involved?I'm not sure what else to suggest but my heart goes out to you.I had a similar situation with my very difficult mother who lived outside of society and never washed .Keep the children away and put boundaries up gor your own sake.Try referring to social services as you can't do it alone.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=GjWR5WlYWVM

This might be interesting for you.

I'm amazed the care agency haven't actioned safeguarding protocols to be honest

I think I would let the bugs remain in the hope that she becomes ill enough to need outside help. I doubt you will get to the bottom of the problem as she lives in squalor - perhaps her immune system is breaking down and resulting in spots and sores.
Imv she will never agree to move, agree to a clear out or agree to anything. Giving yourself responsibility for her is a road to sadness as you won't ever win.
It's a bit like people who smoke or drink even when they're ill from it - they seem to have a death wish which no one else can change, Only they can choose to change. You should try to switch off as you can't solve this.

Thank you so much to everyone that’s replied, I really am grateful. I will keep coming back to this to read & I’ve taken something from every single reply. I found some of them difficult/upsetting to read - probably as I know I have to face this.

I stood in the front garden last night with my dog (he was having a wee, I wasn’t just stood there!🤣) & all of a sudden I just cried & cried☹️...but today is a new day & I know what the next stage is for me. I know I can’t change her, I’ve looked back on every health crisis I’ve gone through with my Mum & every one has been unnecessarily stressful & upsetting.

So I have written out all the numbers she might need in an emergency (vets, Drs, emergency council repairs etc) & I’m going to tape it next to her - historically she rings me in a flap to sort things.

I am going to go tomorrow, cards on table & tell her what I am & am not going to continue to do. I will offer to ring a Company to confirm what these sores/bites are & advise that I think it’s either bed bugs or potentially her own body attacking it’s self due to self neglect.

Then I’m going to work hard on myself to accept that I can’t change/fix/ help her & it isn’t my fault.

Thank you al SO much 😊 xxx

Could they be scabies? They are highly infectious if so, so be careful you dont get them. I wonder if she would be better off in a old persons home? Idk she would have 24 hrs care or even a warden controlled flat?

I’ve treated her 3 times for scabies as that’s what I thought it might be & it hasn’t helped.

I’m going to email the Drs again now & explain everything & ask him to re-visit her but for him to advise what he thinks iit is rather than her telling him what it is (fleas/eyelash mites) & him giving a cream for what she’s suggested it is🙄 My mum won’t take any proactive steps like ringing the Drs, instead choosing to immobilise herself & self diagnose, finding the treatments on Amazon. Then sending me pics of sores that are bleeding just saying ‘ouch’ then asking me to order yet another roll of surgical tape for her to just stick over them! She is able to send me links to products/pics of her sores etc but can’t seem to ring Drs/pest control.

I would love it to just be the fact she hasn’t showered in over 2 years & she lives in a dirty environment that’s causing it as I fear if it is bedbugs then she will just carry on getting worse until unfortunately it results in a health crisis.

@StarDolphins, come here,

It's going to be tough. And she will rail against you, and say unkind things.

You are allowed to not be railroaded, taken advantage of or verbally abused. You can leave whenever you want to and forever long you like, even if that is for a very long time.

You are very brave.

Glad the dog had a pee.

Thanks ESG, just watched the Dr Ramani link....it’s so strange, I don’t have self-esteem/boundary issues with anyone other than my Mum. I consider myself to have good self-worth etc in all other areas of my life. I just feel in a state of half being annoyed with my mum & half feeling responsible for her.

I most definitely think she has narcissistic tendencies with me & everyone she’s had in her life - I know when I tell her tomorrow that I’m not going along with this anymore to the extent I was that she’ll either get shitty saying “how do you
Think I feel living through this, it’s going to finish me off” or she’ll have a sad face & say “I understand, you do what you need to do” then she’ll not contact me as she’ll convert it to ‘my own daughter doesn’t care’.

You're in FOG - fear, obligation and guilt.

www.bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

It's not quite as easy as just walking away but if you have a look at the stately homes thread there might be some resources there that will help you disentangle everything.

Thanks Chops, I’ve just read the link. I can recognise myself in there, especially the compliance bit🙄

The logical part of my brain sees all this, it’s putting it into practice I find hard with her. Rubbing creams on/putting powders down for something I know isn’t the problem, yet I still do it☹️

Same with food - she only has to say “I feel like such a thing if you’re passsing a shop that sells it” & I’m right on it despite not having time to go to different shops (self-sacricing) But in my mind, the ridiculous side thinks it must be hard sitting there just living off Complan.....the logical side says she has enough money to have meals delivered or she could ask the carers to heat tin of soup etc that I’ve left in cupboard for her but no, I just do it😱

I will look at the stately home threads too, thanks!😊

If you think about it you've been conditioned to this your whole life. How much did you want to just have a "normal" mum as a kid and this occasional glimmers you got could have been just enough to keep hope alive that one day you'd have that.
And you sound lovely and her life situation sounds horrible at the moment so of course you'd try to help. It's really difficult to get out of this sort of relationship.
Are you able to access counselling? If you can, speak to someone. Hopefully it will help to disentangle things and understand that she can and is capable of helping herself and that this isn't your responsibility.

Best of luck.

@StarDolphins

Thanks Chops, I’ve just read the link. I can recognise myself in there, especially the compliance bit🙄

The logical part of my brain sees all this, it’s putting it into practice I find hard with her. Rubbing creams on/putting powders down for something I know isn’t the problem, yet I still do it☹️

Same with food - she only has to say “I feel like such a thing if you’re passsing a shop that sells it” & I’m right on it despite not having time to go to different shops (self-sacricing) But in my mind, the ridiculous side thinks it must be hard sitting there just living off Complan.....the logical side says she has enough money to have meals delivered or she could ask the carers to heat tin of soup etc that I’ve left in cupboard for her but no, I just do it😱

I will look at the stately home threads too, thanks!😊

What’s likely going on here is that you are jumping directly from a triggered emotional reaction to an action any time your DM makes a demand because as a child you were trained by the FEAR of FOG to appease her, always hoping and scared of your caregiver being totally out of control and maybe even dying (in a child’s mind - or this was potentially a very real possibility if she was an active alcoholic).

So now you jump instantly to action / behaviour because your fear is triggered and you don’t go through the thinking / consideration phase. That’s the bit you need to intercept. Anything that gets asked - just stop - do nothing whilst you are feeling any fear, obligation or guilt - step back, sleep on it and the respond rather than react. The response might be “ask the carers / call the numbers / or just No. I can’t / won’t do that. / That doesn’t work for me etc”.

Simple phrases that you can reach to signpost elsewhere. Every time you manage to not let her yank your chain - consider it a little triumph and pat yourself on the back - and tell yourself that’s 2hrs of my time and/or more of my headspace and emotional energy that I have back for myself and my DDs childhood.

Seems that your DGP have given you a good sense of what normal looks like. Good luck.

OP,
I am wondering has anyone suggested SCABIES to you?

It sounds like it might be that.

The dirt, lack of hygiene.

It needs the attention of a GP and social services.

Excellent advice here on handing things over to the authorities.

You are a wonderful young woman who has successfully survived an extremely abusive childhood.

You should be so proud of yourself.

Now you need to look after yourself.

ESG - that is it, this is exactly what I do. I jump to everything all the time with her. I have just looked back at texts going back to Nov & 95% of the answers from me are ‘yes I’ll order it now/I will bring some say’ type ones - I sent 1 telling her to ask carer to do it as I was at work & another where I put ‘they’re NOT mites!! But it’s only her I def o it with & even when I do protest, I do it in a controlled‘don’t upset her’ type way. I don’t have this issue with other people, I’m always saying no to others😂

I remember constantly being scared & worried about her as a child & did everything to not upset her & make her ok. I hated being in that environment but I was petrified of anything happening to her.

This is something I can put into practice straight away, I can not reply instantly and I can ask her to ask carers instead or say I will do it when I can.

Goodness me, what a mess☹️

My Grandparents were nothing short of amazing, picked me up every weekend, made sure I had a purse with money in to ring them day/night & came all hours to take me to theirs when there was a drama - taught me to swim, took me to Blackpool, played with me & watched my school play when my mum was drunk. It was my absolute pleasure to look after them in their old age. It was so easy.

Billy, thank you I have treated her with lyclear dermal cream 3 times as I wondered if it was scabies but it didn’t seem to work...maybe initially it seemed like it but I think this stuff is pretty good & 1 tube kills them so the fact I put 3 on I’m thinking now it isn’t that☹️

I am so sorry to not be able to offer more words than the excellent ones already written. However…I don’t want to alarm you but I wonder if they are rat bites? I had a horrific experience in a foreign “hotel” when ill when younger and it sounds so similar. What I thought were all that you listed were actually rat bites. Makes me sick to think of it now but I came on especially to mention it as the circumstances would be ideal and they come at night looking for crumbs etc, sorry 😞

Wouldn’t she realise if it was a rat coming into her bed biting her face though? Did you know/feel the rats? That sounds awful!

I would prefer it to be rats (she leaves the back door wide open all night so possible) because I’m not going to take them home & infest my house with those like I would bug bites!

*bed bugs

We had bed bugs! They are really really itchy like nothing I’ve ever had before! They are always in threes.we think they got brought back from uni! I saw the bugs in the early morning mostly. You won’t usually see them on the mattress but in the wooden frame or the underside of the frame. Took us a long time to get rid . We burnt the beds! Replaced the bedding and sprayed and sprayed.

Could it be a skin picking disorder. Sounds like the lesions are in areas she can reach rather than a more indiscriminate bed bug?
Practically could you get a second cheap phone/sim so you can control the access your mum has to you? That way you can switch the phone off and put distance between the two of you telling her you'll be off grid and the carers will have to help?

I can attach now! Must be because I was new! Do these look like bed bugs/rats?

It’s a metal frame bed with a sealed mediquip mattress but all round the bed is ‘stuff’ cushions/clothes/bookshelves/wicker baskets/papers etc

She says these bites are not itchy but she’s definitely picking at them then as they bleed!

Chops, I can put settings on my phone to ignore calls/show as busy etc but I’m wondering if not replying instantly will work, leaving ur a few hours to text back! I hardly ever answer the calls, I leave it until she’s left a message & if it’s nothing I text her back & only ring her back if I need to! It’s usually ‘an idea’ she’s had about a solution she’s found for these ‘mites’

Wouldn’t she know if she was picking her skin?

Just found this thread. We are currently at the end of treatment for bed bugs. We started getting bitten the day after returning from a lovely AirBNB.
Typical places to be bitten are face, arms, neck and chest. They bite in lines often. Your mum's bites look similar to mine. Darker but that'll be because she's been scratching and bleeding more.
You're right - it's not just a case of spraying the bed. That won't work. We had to empty the room including wardrobes. All upstairs rooms were treated. They hide anywhere - mattresses, bedframes, clothing, picture frames, skirting boards. They're absolutely awful and so hard to eradicate. Ours took 2 visits from a pest controller - they can put down traps with pheromones that bed bugs like and you'll see if that's what it is. I was still bitten after the first visit despite the room being utterly blitzed.
Not everything needs to be destroyed but to kill them things must be washed at 60 or put in freezer for a few days! To take items from bedroom to washing machine I had to bag them tightly so as not to drop the bugs elsewhere. They don't only stay in bedrooms and they're very mobile but our bugs seemed to confine themselves to one room.
Total nightmare. I'm just praying I don't get another bite as we're hopeful we're rid now.
Anyway, this is just the bed bug issue. Wishing you all the best with the rest of it.

P.s bed bug bites are extremely itchy so it's odd she says they're not.