Dating thread 223; Fresh starts and love hearts

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@ButterflyOfShay you mentioned more dreaming since starting dry January- my Fitbit tells me i had 24% REM sleep last night, I’ve never got near that before! No alcohol, the gift that gives on giving 😂

Re pissers about on dating apps, it’s really what drive me away finally, the problem seemed to get worse and worse even pre-pandemic. We all lead such virtual lives - I read an article that said on average people spend a third of their lives online. Are humans done with actual interaction???

@Signoramarella that’s horrendous, so sorry to hear that. It’s a difficult world to navigate as a woman, that’s for sure.

I don’t get this not wanting to meet up thing on apps - can only assume these people aren’t really single? Or are lining up lots of potential dates and only have time to go on so many?

@Badbaddog that’s incredible about the REM sleep no wonder we are feeling so good 🥰🥰 I will never go back now

For me nothing replaces real world interaction - the feeling of a hug, being held tight, running my hands through Mr Beard’s beard - for me the chatting on an app is just a means through an end to get to the good real world part bit.

I’m actually relieved it’s not just me that is getting these people who just want to chat on the apps- I was starting to worry what was wrong with me! I think im just going to cut a lot of the chatters. It’s not even like it’s particularly fun or flirty banter- I just don’t get what’s in it for them? I have better things to do with my time.

@30somethingandstillsingle, I was widowed a number of years ago. I would say some of the pertinent things to establish are what he's looking for ? - sounds obvious but he may already have an idea about what he can offer someone or what he feels comfortable with. how far into the grieving/life adjusting process he is ? what support network he has that would enable him to date you as he has sole responsibility for his DC ?
I found the widowers that I met for dates and a couple I went on to see were some of the nicest guys. They didn't have the difficult break up behind them or an ex who was still part of their life. We had a common bond and because of this were free to speak about our late partners. I have been very lucky - or maybe just good judgement - in that my DPs since have had no issue with me talking about late DH. There is no toxicity there and he presents no threat. It is also important to me that a partner would understand that DH won't be edited out of my life because I speak about him often to keep his memory alive for his DC- our DDs were 8 and 13 when he passed away. I have also been lucky that my DDs have generally been accepting and adaptable to new men around, although in 8 years they have only met the 3 men who I considered myself to be in a RS with. If he and you are a good match then whatever his circumstances you will find a way through. Good luck.

I would love to make the threadies meet up but I am not sure what I would say to Mr V ? I'm in the Midlands so it's a weekend trip for me. what is anyone else in a RS saying to their DP ?

@ReturnOfTheBunk

There is now a threadie meet WhatsApp group (not compulsory if you don’t want to join we can easily update on the Mumsnet messenger system )

so I’ve added numbers I know but PM me if you want to join. I’m at the gym now but will check in later and @StartingAgain6369 is co-admin in case I fall down a well and am never seen on mumsnet again.

Thanks Bunk!

Does anyone know how to send private messages on the MN app? Is it possible or do you have to log in via the internet browser?

Ooh @Stepcount, tricky one! I'm generally in favour of openness/honesty but in this case clearly it could lead to some awkwardness/discomfort re confidentiality etc... Sorry, not helpful! (and I don't have this problem, sadly.)

@Stepcount

I would love to make the threadies meet up but I am not sure what I would say to Mr V ? I'm in the Midlands so it's a weekend trip for me. what is anyone else in a RS saying to their DP ?

I've been pondering this too. Thought it could be 'single friends I met pre pandemic whilst navigating OLD' or 'old work mates'.

Just don't want to be foot in mouth and say it's Mumsnet. Could be 'local MeetUp group for single women' ... 'having a fun weekend in London'?

Placemarking

I will pm you Bella if you can add me please :-)

I live nowhere near so may be tricky but I do have a friend in London I haven't seen for years who is always saying I should visit, once I've got more info on where and when I can see if it would tie in.

@Stepcount I’m probably not going to be going but if I were, and I felt I had to account for my time, I would just say to Mr B that I was meeting up with some people I met on an online forum where people support each other through all sorts. I don't account for my time to him in the slightest though, perish the blooming thought…

@Signoramarella

Hi everyone. I tried bumble again . Met about 5 men, dates ok. But every single one, bar one. Wanted sex asap. Is this a thing ? I'm single mum. 50, hook ups bore me. I think they think they are entitled to this ? Am I wrong? Please suggest z way to meet men who are half decent. Eg. Went on a date in Dec. Nice enough. Afterwards he tried it on in the car and got his dick out! I ran a mile. So...have given up.

Do you mention 'fun' in your profile? Apparently that can be read as "so please get your cock out as soon as we meet" - go figure... I'm also a single mum, 50s, I scrub up ok but I've never had first date sex expectations, or pre-date sexting or dick pics or anything like that. My profile wording signals 'don't mess', I think - maybe that's why? Also I don't swipe right on anyone whose words or pictures indicate a focus on looks or image, but intelligence and depth - or anyone who can't spell - so maybe that's why. Think of your presentation and all your interactions as determining whether they're good enough for you, not the other way round. You're basically interviewing them for the post of going on a date with you. And don't lower your standards. Hopefully that way you can avoid most of the dickheads.

bunk I'll DM you when I log on with laptop. Don't think it can be done via app.

Hi all,

Still not dating- but still here ❤️

Hi all happy new year, hope it's still ok to dip in and out for advice now and again.

I had 2 dates last week with a man who lives about 1.5 hrs away.

Basically I've moved somewhere with shit transport connections and not much going on locally re dating hence having to consider a bit further afield.

He came to my city last week ,got a hotel, we had dinner and lunch the next day, it was all lovely. I didn't stay with him.

It's been a bit quiet/ possibly a bit sarcastic on text this week but I know work has been very busy. Not getting extremely keen vibes.

We agreed I would go to him this weekend. Tbh I'm not that sure since the contact this week hasn't been great but I'll give it a go as he made quite a big effort to see me.

Anyway, I suggested he picks somewhere for lunch as I've never been to his city. He has, but it's pretty low effort, one of these dirty burger places. Not licenced. So basically a burger bar. Not my thing at all. It's not about it not being expensive as I'm happy to split but am I being unreasonable feeling a bit 'meh' that he wants me to travel all that way to meet him in a fast food type place? It's hardly romantic! I picked somewhere really nice when he came and he enjoyed it. He hasn't mentioned any other plans but said it would have to be quite a chilled affair this time as he has had a leg op so I don't think we will be doing much sightseeing etc.

Would it be extremely rude/ greedy to suggest somewhere else?

I will message you later, @ReturnOfTheBunk. My head is like candy floss at the moment.

PS. Love the new username! ❤️

@Yellowhighheels what it sounds like is because you did so much early on, he's become a bit slack and thinks he has everything guaranteed. Not critisizing at all but some blokes are a bit lazy. I would navigate the chat to somewhere more suitable to your tastes and see what happens. If he's averse to that, then I would reconsider.

@Yellowhighheels Perfectly fine and not rude to suggest somewhere else. Maybe the leg op has something to do with it and it's the nearest place he could come up with ? Perhaps just say 'what's the thinking behind the burger joint, I'm not a big fan of them ...' and that starts the conversation.

Thanks both, I've asked him why this place in a joking way. Might be that the surroundings are cool or something or like you say, its accessible... feel a bit less demanding now!

Yes we want the wines. You are right. I'm going in at the wrong angle. Need to be more serious seriuos! Thankyou, sage advice

@Signoramarella

Yes we want the wines. You are right. I'm going in at the wrong angle. Need to be more serious seriuos! Thankyou, sage advice

I've never had those inappropriate actions either. I'm 53. I think I give off a "don't fuck around" vibe too.

I rule out anyone with memes or life quotes on their profile. Anyone who mentions fun or looks even remotely attached. Obviously I expect a clear photo (not so much to judge what they look like but more because a photo is the least they can do to attract you, a small effort).
I also avoid anyone who says any combination of "fed up of cheaters/liars, cheaters/liars swipe left*, is there anyone genuine" all that shit.

Re "swipe left", I swipe left on anyone who mentions that at all because I won't be told what to do, so even if I am the thing they want people to swipe right for, I swipe left when being ordered around!

@Eesha no worries saying man are lazy, I criticise my dates a lot (not so much on here)

@Yellowhighheels no issues with suggesting somewhere else, but it went form Burger King to The Ritz, might be a bit of a problem, does he drink ?, as you mentioned licence ?

I can't believe it's nearly the end of the week already! I've been having trouble keeping up with the thread as life has been busy.

Spent the day with MrT today as stars aligned with working schedules which was nice as I wasn't expecting to see him till weekend after next.

In other life I'm making a conscious effort to fill up my time in ways other than just kids stuff, occasional friend meets and my own introverted hobbies as I think it will help me with my overthinking tendencies with him (though it's settled down a heck of a lot now anyway, he's more than proven who he is at this point and I can see how it was my own "stuff" I was bringing. Now living by the motto of "don't make people pay for another's sins" and truly focusing on his actions alone).

This means that tonight I had 2 hours of the hobby that MrT reignited my interest in, but with work friends as they have a group running (which will be weekly). And yesterday I had an induction at a new gym! Have sessions booked in tomorrow, then Monday Wednesday Friday next week. Very small ladies only one, which was recommended by a family member, so may potentially meet some friends through it too!

Hope everyone is OK!