Dating thread 223; Fresh starts and love hearts

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@gelatodipistacchio

I agree with pps take a step back now - I’ve had too many long distancey things (maybe subconsciously as I’m a bit avoidant myself )

and honestly the logistics and mental gymnastics in “trying to organise travel and locations” with someone who isn’t equally contributing/pulling their weight in organising is simply not worth it.

Let him suggest something.

@gelatodipistacchio it sounds like he was trying to let you know that he’d be happy being casual and sleeping with you but he’s going to be doing that with everyone else too. And he’s happy to travel to see you for a shag!

@curmudgeonly007 the apps can be so disheartening! I never had any luck from them, it sounds like you’re a bit more like me and perhaps prefer random meets of people IRL? What happened to the friendly jogger, you not seen her anymore? What about taking up something new where you might meet nice ladies… anytime I go on a meetup walk, the group consists of mainly women of all ages! Maybe you could start a meetup walk or cycle group, see what comes from it?

@WeWantTheFinestWines glad he replied, might be a nice local friend hey 💛

@Thisisworsethananticpated that is so nice!! Must be giving you a little sparkle of interest!

@30somethingandstillsingle your guy sounds lovely too! How refreshing you’ve had that chat.. he sounds healthy 🙂

@curmudgeonly007

I definitely agree with @ButterflyOfShay it sounds like you'd maybe find more of what you wanted in things like "hobby groups" - just low key reliable friendship and chat and companionship?

Even something like a spiritual group or ParkRun can be good for that, do an activity, chat and coffee and chill out!

Dating can be so intense and emotionally volatile (highs and lows) and it doesn't sound like it's doing your MH any good.

@ButterflyOfShay
Ms Dog Walker was a bust unfortunately, spotted her the other weekend with someone I assume was Mr Dog Walker.
There is a local cycling club here, but they are all roadies, but certainly need to do more ILR stuff

@Thisisworsethananticpated
Having lots of sex is very nice, but you need all the other stuff that goes with it.
Good luck with your “Young Man’, I suspect you will find him as keen as mustard!
I have a meet-up planned with ms W next month, this will probably be the last one, but she is certainly very keen on having lots of sex, which is great at the time, but feels a bit lacking somehow afterwards.

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Yy, I do need to get out there for sure, but my schedule is a bit right now so going to let it all settle down a bit for now without "new people" (I have new job/location to manage as well so I do want to date but also mindful of my MH right now, not to overwhelm myself?).

I'll reconfigure my iron strategy after the threadie meet early next month.

@ReturnOfTheBunk
Yes, I think 2 years of WFH has left me a bit insulted somehow.
I did a hobby thing on Saturday morning, 1st for ages, and was good to meet up, I’m planning on doing more of those this year, mostly blokes around my age, good to meet up with and just talk rubbish and bikes.
I did my certificates in 2020, so plan to make use of those more this year for sure

ButterflyOfShay
Well despite being overdrawn I did pop and get a new push up bra and sexy top after the school run

curmudgeonly007
The good thing about this thread is we are all brutally honest about how much this can batter the mental health
And it does for so many

And how we embrace differences between the more romantic of us , and more carnal 😬

I’d say that if your benefits not friendly woman isn’t sparking joy , put yourself first and end it
And have a break

@curmudgeonly007

100% agree, Lockdown plus too much “weird intense unpredictable dating apps socialising” definitely isn’t good for MH.

For my emotional health, just having a stable routine - knowing I’m doing X sport on Saturday or with Y group on Tuesday night works better for me than waiting on a new exciting contact who may or may not come through!

Since lockdown has eased off I’ve realised I really enjoy socially just being out for a slightly dull geeky coffee or walk without having to “find a date or a new best mate”.

I did a race yesterday, shit time, but the whole “vibe” was just really beneficial and took me out of my own head a bit?

@ReturnOfTheBunk same - my marriage was born of a long distance relationship. And I met my husband when coming out of a long distance thing. I'm really not interested.

I am sure that he actually has moved, though, for a number of reasons!

It seems likely to me that he is confused. Based on previous experience, I don't think he is just looking for sex (given he made himself unavailable for it), but I truly am not sure what he's looking for.

@gelatodipistacchio

I think there’s definitely an argument for letting him reach out if he wants but not going any further?

If he definitely knows you’re up for meeting I’d leave the ball in his court.

I have 1-2 long distance irons (seem to have got stuck after first few dates !) and although great in person, I’ve decided for my well-being I’m just going to “date and live as if they don’t exist”

otherwise I’ll drive myself mad trying to “communicate and connect and organise and over-function and pin them down”. I am a good planner but I can’t force things!

Trains and motorways go both ways and I know men can take trips for friends and family so just sitting like THIS on them.

@Thisisworsethananticpated

ButterflyOfShay Well despite being overdrawn I did pop and get a new push up bra and sexy top after the school run

get a new push up bra

I gonna need one of those if my moobs get any bigger..

[quote ReturnOfTheBunk]@gelatodipistacchio

I think there’s definitely an argument for letting him reach out if he wants but not going any further?

If he definitely knows you’re up for meeting I’d leave the ball in his court.

I have 1-2 long distance irons (seem to have got stuck after first few dates !) and although great in person, I’ve decided for my well-being I’m just going to “date and live as if they don’t exist”

otherwise I’ll drive myself mad trying to “communicate and connect and organise and over-function and pin them down”. I am a good planner but I can’t force things!

Trains and motorways go both ways and I know men can take trips for friends and family so just sitting like THIS on them.[/quote]
Is that an Igel being a grey rock 😍

Ugh my match from last night has dropped the ‘I’m actually 10 years older but tinder can’t change it’ 🤮 and now I feel dirty

@ihavetogoshoppingnow gah! So insulting in addition to being disappointing.

@ReturnOfTheBunk oh yeah, I am not getting in touch with him again. I only resumed contact with the idea of experimenting with casual sex following the conversation in this thread. (I've never been able to stand the idea of casual sex but I am tired of being celibate and I don't expect to find love)

For me the casual sex thing was as an antidote for the 30 year, latterly sexless marriage - just seeing if I could still do sex at all really. It never would have worked for me for longer than a year or so as it started to feel empty and a bit disrespectful (of myself and the random man). It was literally a case of ‘the fun stopped so I stopped’. I’m carnal (such a great word!) but not casual.

Bella what's igel?

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Bella what's igel?

Hedgehog 🦔🥰

ihavetogoshoppingnow

Hey why does that make YOU feel dirty ? X

Bella I'm still confused! 😅
Igel = hedgehog? What does that mean? And how does it relate to dating?

Being a bit thick today clearly...😆

@BelladiMamma

Yes I think last week he mentioned some family illness so staying abroad and dating is (quite rightly) probably not a priority right now!

I’m just going to focus on my own stuff for now, rather than getting caught up in overfunctioning trying to artificially keep something going?

It’s not really appropriate for me to send “checking in” messages beyond my last polite reply as tbh I don’t think it’s my business at this stage so just chilling for now!

I don’t really want to get caught up in an endless “I’m stressed over this last minute border transport situation” chat loop tbh, of course I’m supportive but also I have my own stresses and issues?

it would be nice to be in touch if a meeting is imminent but beyond that not really a profitable direction to put emotional energy into?

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Igel is shorthand for MrHedgehog my iron from last year who is still abroad for the Xmas break! Was very fond of him but I think given all circumstances I’m looking at getting out there dating others soonish.

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Bella I'm still confused! 😅 Igel = hedgehog? What does that mean? And how does it relate to dating?

Being a bit thick today clearly...😆

See @ReturnOfTheBunk excellent explanation above 🦔💘✈️🪨