Dating thread 223; Fresh starts and love hearts

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Hey everyone!
Have just been reading through everyone’s updates!
My own little update: Mother Nature arrived and completely ruined my mojo at the weekend But…I ended up spending most of the weekend between my work shifts with MrFootball. DCs were with their dad.
I’d been asking myself the usual questions about whether he was just after sex. But this past weekend and last night have made it pretty clear that’s not the case!! Don’t get me wrong…the sex has been really good on past occasions and I definitely wouldn’t turn him down but this weekend when it wasn’t an option, we just spent some really lovely time together! We cuddled, we watched films, we talked a lot etc and it’s cemented in my head that I actually really like him outside of the bedroom as well as in it!

Small snippet of excitement… I’m on my lunchbreak and walked up the local high street. Walked past a coffee house and MrTurk was sat outside with a pal and STARED at me intensely as I walked up the road and past him, and i gazed right back at him. Flirty eyes hehe! Gave me a buzz! I also heard his voice for the first time… sounds normal! God he’s sexy, dammit!!

Very grateful I washed my hair and put some blusher on today 🥰

@Catcrazy83@Bangheadhere40 honestly what is it with these loons?? They need professional psychiatric help immediately.

@Badbaddog

Thinking about it, it’s simply dehydration - sleeping so soundly I don’t take sips of water during the night any more!

💧that is easy to sort at least!

@Catcrazy83 @Bangheadhere40
Ugh. So sorry that's happened to you both. Hope you get rid and there's no following up from them. I've changed all my profile pics so that no one can do a reverse image search on me, as a couple of guys tracked me down to LinkedIn to complain about the fact that I wouldn't go on a date with them.
I mean wtaf?

[quote BelladiMamma]**@Catcrazy83* @Bangheadhere40*
Ugh. So sorry that's happened to you both. Hope you get rid and there's no following up from them. I've changed all my profile pics so that no one can do a reverse image search on me, as a couple of guys tracked me down to LinkedIn to complain about the fact that I wouldn't go on a date with them.
I mean wtaf? [/quote]
What?! How much time do people have seriously?!

@Notanotherchange I have it chalked up to general misogyny (I think you're pretty and I've been polite to you so you should be grateful and go on a date with me); also entitlement (see also: patriarchy); and people's inability to understand the word 'no'

I've asked the slow chat guy if he wants to meet for a cuppa Sat morning. Watch this space I guess.

Checking in anyway. :)

Checking in, thanks @ButterflyOfShay for the new thread!

All okay here, lots of lovely contact with MrM and starting to allow myself to think things might NOT go wrong at any given moment. Hopefully managing to meet this weekend although other family commitments still up in the air. He really is extremely lovely but that fear of it all going tits up is never far away.

Managed my first run yesterday which was all good.. fingers crossed I can avoid injury over the next 12 weeks because I think I’ll only manage to make it through a half marathon with absolutely nothing going wrong between now and April!

@ButterflyOfShay

Small snippet of excitement… I’m on my lunchbreak and walked up the local high street. Walked past a coffee house and MrTurk was sat outside with a pal and STARED at me intensely as I walked up the road and past him, and i gazed right back at him. Flirty eyes hehe! Gave me a buzz! I also heard his voice for the first time… sounds normal! God he’s sexy, dammit!! Very grateful I washed my hair and put some blusher on today 🥰

That’s fantastic - face to face interaction - exciting..!

Thanks for new thread Butterfly…love the new name too 😉

Things still going strong with Mr L, still smitten and starting to miss him a lot when we are apart . We are due to see each other this weekend (covidy symptomatic kids permitting!) but the issues with my daughter are still ongoing so I’m not sure what to do for the best.

She has said she is not going to her dads any more, had admitted she doesn’t want me seeing anyone and doesn’t care that I’m happy. She refuses to discuss Mr L at all and is determined it should end and I should spend all of my time with her. Doing stuff for myself is selfish as she won’t be around much longer (before she goes away to college)

I really don’t know how to handle this. She says I should leave her alone if I’m going to Mr L’s - her dad won’t allow that but won’t force her to go to his either and would probably secretly love my time with Mr L to be affected.
Even though she is 16 I feel like I can’t leave her alone overnight. She also will not meet Mr L so him coming to mine while she is here is not possible for now. Am I being really selfish if I put my interests first for 2 days out of 14? I don’t know anyone in real life navigating this so don’t have a sounding board so you guys are it!

@MayEye

Thanks for new thread Butterfly…love the new name too 😉

Things still going strong with Mr L, still smitten and starting to miss him a lot when we are apart . We are due to see each other this weekend (covidy symptomatic kids permitting!) but the issues with my daughter are still ongoing so I’m not sure what to do for the best.

She has said she is not going to her dads any more, had admitted she doesn’t want me seeing anyone and doesn’t care that I’m happy. She refuses to discuss Mr L at all and is determined it should end and I should spend all of my time with her. Doing stuff for myself is selfish as she won’t be around much longer (before she goes away to college)

I really don’t know how to handle this. She says I should leave her alone if I’m going to Mr L’s - her dad won’t allow that but won’t force her to go to his either and would probably secretly love my time with Mr L to be affected.
Even though she is 16 I feel like I can’t leave her alone overnight. She also will not meet Mr L so him coming to mine while she is here is not possible for now. Am I being really selfish if I put my interests first for 2 days out of 14? I don’t know anyone in real life navigating this so don’t have a sounding board so you guys are it!

Oh @MayEye - what a difficult situation. You are very definitely NOT being selfish wanting to be able to enjoy a lovely relationship. My DC are a few years younger so I've sat here trying to think about what I would think about doing in your situation. I would absolutely NOT let it thwart your time with MrL though - she is not the boss of you, sympathetic though you must be of course to her feelings.

I would, I think, think about mooting alternative options of childcare for her overnight, if you are not happy to leave her alone (I am not sure I would be happy to leave mine alone either so no comment from me on that one way or the other). Is she not going to her dad's overnight specifically for this reason do you think, or for some other reason? Obviously I don't know the finer details, but sometimes I think we have to put our foot down and say no, I am having this thing for me and if you are not prepared to go to your father's I will get someone to come in overnight and stay - perhaps a relative or someone else who can come and be in the house. What are you planning to do to address it for this upcoming weekend?

Gosh @MayEye that’s a really difficult one. I haven’t ever encountered such obstinance with my own DDs so don’t really have any clever suggestions. I think you are going to have to find a way of holding firm. Is she the eldest or the only one who won’t go to stay with her DF? I wonder whether you could remove some of her freedom? Not sure if that is a workable? Or is that a bit too tit-for- tat? Does she have an older cousin or friend that might stay with her? Hopefully others will have better suggestions or things that worked for them.

@MayEye

I second what @ibelieveinmirrorballs has said, she can’t rule the roost. Find an alternative if you can. You are not selfish at all.

Thanks so much for your responses , it really means a lot that you don’t think I’m selfish.
She is the eldest (2 younger brothers 14/11) and only one who doesn’t want to go. She gets on fine with her dad, was out for lunch with him Saturday, he gave her loads of cash to go shopping etc -she says she likes her own home and his place is not home (even though she has the nicest room in his house 🙄) she is acting very spoilt princess right now and I’m trying hard not to lose it! ( she is struggling still with the separation I need to remember that)
I don’t know about this weekend. I’m going to broach the subject this evening with her and tell her I have plans made and she needs to go to her dads as scheduled. I haven’t told Mr L that there is a problem yet but he is calling tonight so I need to decide and tell him if I’m not coming.
I considered telling her dad and seeing what he might suggest as a solution but he is not known for his reasonableness so that conversation could go any way!
Oh it’s a mess - for once it’s the relationship that’s going brilliantly, I feel so secure with him and how we feel about each other and this has the potential to ruin something wonderful

@MayEye I have a relatively similar situation in that DD doesn't like to feel beholden to her DF and to going there. I've now bitten the bullet and got some childcare in - this was in the offing pre MrDublin days and was actually to give me some flexibility in general. I've sold it to her as '>friend's name< is coming to house sit, watch the dogs for me and do some cooking. That way you won't be alone'. She thinks she's old enough to be left alone. I disagree. I also don't want her to have to be around all the time that I want to see MrDublin although I'm also using the babysitting so that I can go out to do a course once a week.

You could also dip into using a family counsellor to help you and she navigate these issues.

Good luck with it all.

@MayEye thanks lovely I’ve been through a bit of a meaningful personal transformation recently and thought my new self deserved a name upgrade 😆 as you know I’m not a mam so I hope you don’t me commenting but I wouldn’t let your daughter dictate to you or lay down the law, she has to know you deserve happiness too, he’s not just anyone is he, it’s serious and you’ve been with him a long while now! Good luck with it 💕💕

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I know, always gives me a little boost when we see each other.. wonder if he thinks about me too, it’s funny as I’d kind of lost interest but the look today sparked it again. Really glad you’re feeling nice about Mr M…. All the Thread love hearts out to you and mayeye!! 💕💕

@MayEye this is just a challenge for you both, you’ll overcome it somehow 🙂🙂 x

@MayEye When my DD was 16/17 and not seeing her Dad (due to his pecarious mental health) I would see Mr K for a few hours in an evening and be home by 9.

DD was scared of the dark (and also her father was acting psycho so she was worried about him turning up) so I would only leave her alone for a few hours making sure all doors were locked and my 2 large dogs were in her bedroom with her.

Occasionally a friend of hers would come for a sleepover or she would go to theirs, if that happened I would stay at Mr K's for a night.

I know its slightly different in that my DD wasn't against Mr K but teenage girls can be difficult.

Personally I'd be talking to her and telling her that you do have your own life to lead and you're with her for 12 days out of 14.
I like Belladi's idea of a house sitter coming in to house/animal sit.

Checking in!
Really difficult situation @MayEye and think you've had some good advice so far- all I can add is that you're definitely not being selfish.
Wahey @ButterflyOfShay maybe that coffee shop can be your new haunt
Big thank you to @Stepcount for your message on previous thread, I agree it could well be a bit of a self sabotage thing, finding something 'wrong' so as not to give myself fully to Mr D for fear of it going badly and getting hurt. The positives far outweigh the (only!) negative, and maybe it will develop over time. If I don't bank on it then I can't be disappointed either!

So the slow chat guy said he can't meet Saturday morning because the decorator is coming at 8.30am Saturday and Sunday and will be there all day. He didn't offer an alternative.

I replied "you do realise this is a ridiculous response?". I mean, who can't leave the decorator for half an hour while they pop out for coffee?
Anyway, he unmatched me. So much for "prefer to meet than chat" on his profile.

I have two messages from yesterday to respond to.
I might send a few first messages to some of my other matches

@MayEye

I've had this with my youngest daughter 13, she's said many a time she doesn't want me to have a partner and won't entertain any talk of one

Is your ex engaging with DD, he may be handing over money which I'm sure she likes but what is the bigger picture, is she playing mum and looking her younger brothers when at dad's? Is he concentrating on the boys over DD? Is there a female partner in the background?

Are you in a position to chat to your ex and get a feel of the situation at his place?

@VanGoghsDog

I think you are spot on, not able to leave a decorator for a coffee is totally ridiculous

@VanGoghsDog that is just ridiculous, what a time waster.

I mentioned on the other thread, what is with all these men that just want to message but not actually make plans to meet up? Do other people get this too? I seem to be building a collection of texting buddies, and it’s not even that interesting. I’m sick of being asked how my day has gone, it’s boring!

I replied "you do realise this is a ridiculous response?". I mean, who can't leave the decorator for half an hour while they pop out for coffee?
Anyway, he unmatched me. So much for "prefer to meet than chat" on his profile.

To be honest, I would I unmatched as well if I had been send that message