Dating thread 223; Fresh starts and love hearts

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I can relate, I can’t believe how many men just seem to want to chat and not actually get a date! I might have a look at fabswingers but I think I might be a bit scared of it

Thanks for the tips everyone, I have had some limited success on bumble and hinge… one total and utter time waster on OKC, and one who seems nice and has suggesting meeting on Friday- but I am fully expecting it to be cancelled! I guess that’s the trick, not to get my hopes up…

[quote Eesha]@Gettingonwithit12 it's hard meeting anyone full stop but you just have to keep at it. I think OkCupid is great in that you can suss people out from their quiz answers. I think it's easy to have loads of chats but see it as screening them early on to avoid disappointment later on.[/quote]
Yes I am going to look at it like this from now on, it’s far better to screen them out at an early stage than have them flake out further down the line.

You are all very wise!

Thank you. I am very weary because, like you, I have rushed into things too fast before thinking how lovely it was and so romantic. Only for it to turn Toxic where I don't recognise myself at all.

I'm very much in the head space of dating or a relationship is going to be something that is part of my life alongside other interests. I'm done with the all consuming relationships where it's all I have in my life.

A 22 year old sounds intriguing 🤔 😆

I’m happy to be in an exclusive relationship with someone earlier than three months. Think Mr Beard and I had that convo around 1.5 months (he brought it up)

@Stayingstrongish

I’m happy to be in an exclusive relationship with someone earlier than three months. Think Mr Beard and I had that convo around 1.5 months (he brought it up)

I guess it depends on the circumstances I suppose. I'm probably over cautious due to being burnt in toxic/abusive relationships before.

[quote Eesha]@ButterflyOfShay not everyone is into casual sex. Certainly not me. But I think some find it easier to differeniate the two. How do you feel mentally now though about dating? Do you feel OK to go on the apps at all? I don't think you necessarily may be asexual. I felt like this when I was in unsatisfying relationships but actually I genuinely think you can really spark off someone with the right chemistry.[/quote]
Hey Eesha 😄 I know my mates who did used to have a lot casual sex thought nothing of it, no feelings, no attachments. Some of them had self esteem issues, some didn’t at all. Some of my pals are like me and never tried it, never fancied trying it. We’re all just different I guess. I just kind of envy the openess to opportunity that they are like 🙂
Yeah it would be lovely to meet someone. I’m no longer going to let the fact that my family happen to be arseholes ruin any potential I have in life, whether that be meeting someone or in any other area. I’m not going back on the apps though, they’re just not for me. I’m happy in my life and if someone happened to come along then cool but I’m not hunting for anything. Got lots of good things planned for this year with friends that I want to focus on ❤️

@ButterflyOfShay what I would say is the apps can be a necessary evil so why not try ones which are a bit more unique, say Hinge or Happn rather than the biggies. Or even OkCupid where you have the giant quiz to match you. I do have friends who don't bother with the apps but honestly I think it's the only way these days sadly.

I cant be arsed with it @Eesha 💗💗

@Rosewaterblossom

Thank you. I am very weary because, like you, I have rushed into things too fast before thinking how lovely it was and so romantic. Only for it to turn Toxic where I don't recognise myself at all.

I'm very much in the head space of dating or a relationship is going to be something that is part of my life alongside other interests. I'm done with the all consuming relationships where it's all I have in my life.

Yes, absolutely this 🙌 me and my life have to come first, because the toxic things I’ve experienced in the past had a really detrimental effect on my wellbeing and began to affect my work, friendships, ability to generally exist. Hence wanting a slow burn few months of dating, and slowly building up to something more. I’ve also got BPD and I’ve had almost three years of therapy picking that apart so I’m very wary of being tipped over the edge and hindering my recovery. I need things to be uncomplicated.

@Thisisworsethananticpated

I’ve given my number to the 22 year old I can’t believe I’m typing that

I’m sure he will be extraordinarily keen.

@ButterflyOfShay I'm with you on the apps. I've got two holidays /weddings this year. I need to concentrate on getting myself sorted for those, which means early morning gym sessions and early nights so I can be in the gym at 5.30am so I can be in the office for 9am.

The apps didn't do my self esteem or mental health any good. The degenerates that I came across on them was something else. The first date with Mr Cricket I actually said I was coming off them to him, he was actually the last one from them too. Funny thing is he is also the only one to have stuck around.

I shagged a twenty two year old in my forties. I mean, it was OK, the sex wasn't brilliant, he was still at that stage where they think their dicks are magic wands and just pumping away satisfies a woman. Though they can go three or four times a night, so there's that.

No conversation.

When he left he asked me if he could use my hair gel.

(I did not possess "hair gel"!)

It’s just nice and flattering when a stunning young thing looks at you with love heart eyes 😍 I get it in work sometimes!! It makes for a good little boost of my old ego 🤣🤣

@Isitreallyme12777 wonder if we’ll meet any hotties on holiday this year!! Shame we are not going at the same time!! 😄

@ButterflyOfShay i know right, if only I was going a couple of months earlier. My friend won't let me date any of his friends (they wouldn't be good enough) so I'll be on the look out.

@VanGoghsDog

I shagged a twenty two year old in my forties. I mean, it was OK, the sex wasn't brilliant, he was still at that stage where they think their dicks are magic wands and just pumping away satisfies a woman. Though they can go three or four times a night, so there's that. No conversation.

When he left he asked me if he could use my hair gel.

(I did not possess "hair gel"!)

I think this is an excellent summary of sex with young men

The most I've done was shagging a total 23 yo hottie I met clubbing when I was in my mid thirties. Even at that point your summary stands as being pretty much it.

[quote Isitreallyme12777]@ButterflyOfShay I'm with you on the apps. I've got two holidays /weddings this year. I need to concentrate on getting myself sorted for those, which means early morning gym sessions and early nights so I can be in the gym at 5.30am so I can be in the office for 9am.

The apps didn't do my self esteem or mental health any good. The degenerates that I came across on them was something else. The first date with Mr Cricket I actually said I was coming off them to him, he was actually the last one from them too. Funny thing is he is also the only one to have stuck around.[/quote]
They're the same degenerates we all come across though... it's quite easy to avoid them - in 18 months of OLD I haven't had a single dick pic, for example. I am brutal with my swiping and unmatch anyone who's got nothing remotely interesting to say. Even the worst aspects of OLD such as flakiness/ghosting/etc I think you can learn to get better at spotting in advance.

The thing with Mr Cricket sticking around is that you seem to ask him repeatedly to promise you that he won't disappear. How do you know he's only 'not disappearing' in order to not end up feeling like a bastard? One thing I've learned over the last couple of years is not to always assume that someone doing or saying something is motivated by the thing I think it is - eg someone saying "oh let's meet again!" at the end of a date is just as often about them not feeling able to say something less positive - ie it's about making life easier for THEM. Because you keep telling Mr Cricket not to disappear, he's quite possibly giving you these tiny breadcrumbs of contact in order for him not to have to engage with the fact he might feel like a wanker if he does.

I'm getting a bit excited about Mr Farmer, we've been messaging loads and seem to click. I'm not even anxious like normal and it feels like I'm meeting a friend tomorrow

Might need bringing down to reality 🤣

@VanGoghsDog some men in their 40s can also manage 3 or 4 times a night 😊

@Bangheadhere40

I'm getting a bit excited about Mr Farmer, we've been messaging loads and seem to click. I'm not even anxious like normal and it feels like I'm meeting a friend tomorrow

Might need bringing down to reality 🤣

Oh lovely that’s really cool im excited for ya! Is he near you?

[quote Isitreallyme12777]@ButterflyOfShay I'm with you on the apps. I've got two holidays /weddings this year. I need to concentrate on getting myself sorted for those, which means early morning gym sessions and early nights so I can be in the gym at 5.30am so I can be in the office for 9am.

The apps didn't do my self esteem or mental health any good. The degenerates that I came across on them was something else. The first date with Mr Cricket I actually said I was coming off them to him, he was actually the last one from them too. Funny thing is he is also the only one to have stuck around.[/quote]
Just having a lovely trip to plan for really raises the spirits doesn’t it!! I’m already outfit planning 🥳🥳

Thanks, nope he's 2 hours away!!!

But he has no ties / kids etc so has time free and doesn't seem to mind the distance.

@ButterflyOfShay I'm so excited it's ridiculous, it makes the thought of 6 months of not doing anything worthwhile. I've got my wedding outfit all sorted, now just need to lose the pounds so I can be confident in my bikini. One holiday I don't have to worry about so it is just ibiza I need to pay for and most of that is all organised for me so I just need a flight and hotel.

I might not like him but he seems such a nice genuine decent type which after all the ghosting / flakiness or at the other end of the scale-stalking seems a novelty 😀