Partner threw baby's jumparoo

[confusedandupset22]

I have NC for this but I post regularly.

I have an almost 9 month old baby. Tonight my partner threw the baby's jumparoo across the room in anger (baby wasn't in it but witnessed it and looked scared). The context was a disagreement about how long he would be out for that evening drinking with his friend. I have felt unwell all day and unsteady on my feet / shaky. I dropped a cup in the kitchen by accident and coffee went everywhere. I was cleaning it up and he came down - mid getting ready to go out drinking with his mate - sighed and then threw the jumparoo across the room in front of the baby. He did apologise before he went out, but he said it was in frustration because he thought I had "dropped the cup deliberately" to stall him leaving to go out (he was upstairs when this happened anyway and I didn't ask for any help cleaning it up).

I don't what to to do. It was so unnecessarily aggressive and our baby looked genuinely frightened. It's not the first time he's been aggressive- never physically but just raising his voice at me etc. but this is the first time in front of the baby.

He and his mate are coming back here in a few hours and I don't know what to do.

@colourfulpuddles

I think it would be a major overreaction on your part to leave over this. He was frustrated, but he helped you clean up and apologised, and I don’t think you’re as innocent as you’re trying to make yourself out to be here.

You’re attempting to come across all doe-eyed but I think your behaviour has a huge part to play here, you’re just hiding it.

Going out drinking for a few hours is not unreasonable. 9.30pm is not late.

He also has a point about you crying in front of the baby - illness or not, that’s not healthy for your baby to see and she shouldn’t have to witness it. She will be picking up on your feelings and this will affect her emotionally, even this young.

Are you seeking help for your PND? It can be exhausting living with someone with mental health issues, particularly when they try and come across how you are attempting here.

Jesus, kick a woman while she's down why don't you?

What a shitty, victim blaming post.

Part of the abuse is also flipping it around so that you’re the abusive one, that you’re in the wrong and overreacting. Colourfulpuddles is doing a lovely job of preempting the gaslighting bullshit that he will come out with when you pull him up on this behaviour. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, chucked the t-shirt in the charity bag and moved on!

The fact that he dosen’t take your pond seriously and calls that manipulative is gaslighting and really worrying. He should be trying his hardest to support you and your baby, instead he’s putting you down and accusing you of basically faking it. On top of that he’s verbally aggressive and has now taken that up a notch by being physically aggressive in front of your child and you. Please seek professional support and consider leaving or getting him to leave if you feel safe to do so.

@WonderfulYou

YABU to tell him what time he can go out still, especially when he rarely goes out - that is controlling.

He is very unreasonable to throw the the jumparoo even if it was in the way - it’s also concerning that this isn’t the first time he’s become aggressive.

It’s concerning that he thought you had purposely dropped the cup.

I think this relationship seems quite suffocating.

Can you afford couples therapy? I would say there is right and wrong on both sides and I think you need to talk about it without arguing.

DO NOT ever go to counselling with an abusive man. He will use it to manipulate you, will allow you to open up about all your fears, then use them against you in your next argument. Counselling for yourself by all means, but please don’t go to counselling with him.

@confusedandupset22
It's horrible when someone you love reaction is anger and throwing things. I don't think you should leave him. Hopefully when he is calm and you have enough time tell him how scared it made you feel.
Some people on this thread have been nasty and we all need to support each other being a Mummy is so draining.
Talk with him so he can let you have some time for you so you feel supported too.
Take care of yourself because your mental health is your babies.

Op, I’m so sorry you are in this situation.
I believe that it is well documented that “ symbolic” violence, like tearing up a meaningful photograph or throwing the baby chair is a precursor to physical abuse.
I’ve not read the whole thread, but I hope you have an way of keeping yourself and your baby safe x

@girlmom21

Do you feel safe being there when he comes home drunk? Was he angry when he left?

Yes he was angry when he left, and I honestly have no idea what to expect when he's home. If he ever comes home.

my bet is he'll be sullen, probably ignore you, then either ignore you tomorrow before work, or carry on like nothing happened and everything is 100% normal.

Then if he's like my ex, he'll do a non-apology and bring something home, like a bar of chocolate and offer to cook dinner.

Ignore colourful puddles btw. They are blatantly on here to be unkind/wind you up. There is a lot of interesting psychology behind the type of person who derives feelings of power and enjoyment from causing others distress.

There's so much more to this story. Sorry OP.
Your build up to the cup dropping is suggesting that you may well have done it deliberately to stop him.

Why did you feel that you needed to stop him?

Like I said, there's so much more to this.
And I'm so sorry that you're in a state.

It's a shame as I was actually finding the thread helpful until that person came along to basically tell me I'm manipulative and he's right. Thanks for that whoever you are, you have no idea how much further down you've just kicked me.

If you asked him to go to his friends do you think he would or do you think that would aggravate him?

Oh great another one suggesting I did it deliberately!

Forget it. I'm out.

Thanks to those who have helped.

@RoyKentsChestHair

Part of the abuse is also flipping it around so that you’re the abusive one, that you’re in the wrong and overreacting. Colourfulpuddles is doing a lovely job of preempting the gaslighting bullshit that he will come out with when you pull him up on this behaviour. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, chucked the t-shirt in the charity bag and moved on!

Agree with this. I thought a jumperroo was a snowsuit at first and thought even that was bad, but an actual piece of baby equipment is a really huge and dangerous thing to chuck about a room in front of a young baby. He doesn't seem to have shown any remorse for frightening the baby, just had a go at OP for crying. Unbelievable. Very nasty responses from Colourfulpuddles, doing the DP's job for him! Plus "Doe eyed" what an entirely unnecessary and sexist description.

@confusedandupset22

Oh great another one suggesting I did it deliberately!

Forget it. I'm out.

Thanks to those who have helped.

AIBU is a viper den, please ignore them.

You are not at fault here, at ALL.

HE chose to throw the jumperoo.. you didn't make him. that on him.

The ratio of people on your side v the 2 or 3 apologists, thinking that you’re asking for it by daring to have PND, shows you that there is plenty of support her for you if you need it confused - whatever happens just know that this isn’t ok behaviour and that there is always another option, hard as it may be.

It sounds to me as though both of you need a break. You have PND and that’s a terrible thing to try and get through without support, and it’s not surprising if he doesn’t totally understand it because plenty of people don’t realise how serious it is. Behaviour is communication and he’s communicating badly with bad behaviour. So he is trying to sort of help (eg clearing up spilt coffee) but doing it all wrong. I’m not convinced he’s an abuser from that one incident but he could become one if that’s how he reacts. So you need back up and he needs some as well. Family and friends not around? Then you need to talk to each other. It’s not acceptable for him to express his frustration like that, and he needs to understand that at a time you’re both calm, but I also think you might both need to work in some time for yourselves together and apart.

God forbid you ask a man and father of a baby, to compromise on his drinking plans, what a piece of work he is, sorry you're going through this op

@confusedandupset22 I agree with those that have said things won't get better with your partner, but just wanted to chip in, it's actually considered healthy for children to see you cry if you're upset and any other emotion if shown appropriately, as long as they are also shown a healthy way of dealing with it i.e. not throwing things if you're angry/frustrated, but instead talking about it. Showing emotions also lets your child know that all emotions are valid and acceptable and shouldn't be suppressed.

Its training isn't it. Training you not to question him or ask anything of him because the response will be aggression. If the jumperoo hadn't had the required effect maybe next time he,ll punch a wall, or give you a push. Its deliberate, I bet he plays down the effect of it too. In fact you will probably be the unreasonable one for over reacting to his little show of frustration. But it works., it keeps you treading on eggshells so you wont ask him next time and will just let him go out without any discussion.
I know you said you cant leave right now, but you can start planning for it, try get some emergency funds, sort your documents out. Be aware of any further episodes.
It might seem to people who haven't witnessed an abusive relationship to be a big leap to LTB just because of one argument. but every abusive relationship starts with one argument/act of aggression and escalates once boundaries are pushed. Many women are speaking from experience here and recognise the signs.

@DroopyClematis

There's so much more to this story. Sorry OP. Your build up to the cup dropping is suggesting that you may well have done it deliberately to stop him.

Why did you feel that you needed to stop him?

Like I said, there's so much more to this.
And I'm so sorry that you're in a state.

well done

slow clap for you

Don't leave the thread, OP. There is no need to pay any attention to people like that awful poster; they have their own agenda and everyone knows it. But you could ask MNHQ to move this to relationships, to avoid the idiots and to get help from the experienced posters.

O think you will find your mental health and ability to cope with the baby will greatly
Improve if this man child wasn't in your life.

You know his reactions aren't ok. Otherwise you wouldn't be here asking.

You are a strong amazing women. And deserve so much more than this.

Please take steps for yourself and your baby to have a peaceful home

I drop cups all the time, because I'm clumsy. Not sure why people say OP is manipulative?

My next door neighbour abuses his wife as well by throwing things.

She showed me a dent in the wall from where he threw a table.

Yesterday we heard him shouting at her, and our house doesn't even share a wall with theirs.

It's scary to live with someone like this.

Also not sure why her OPs partner wants to be drinking with his mate instead of supporting wife and baby at home.

Asking for this thread to be moved to Relationships might be best, @confusedandupset22. You’ll get less victim-blaming posters like DroopyClematis and cloud. Don’t let them push you off your own thread. You’re going to need support. I’m really sorry your OP is behaving so appallingly