Partner threw baby's jumparoo

[confusedandupset22]

I have NC for this but I post regularly.

I have an almost 9 month old baby. Tonight my partner threw the baby's jumparoo across the room in anger (baby wasn't in it but witnessed it and looked scared). The context was a disagreement about how long he would be out for that evening drinking with his friend. I have felt unwell all day and unsteady on my feet / shaky. I dropped a cup in the kitchen by accident and coffee went everywhere. I was cleaning it up and he came down - mid getting ready to go out drinking with his mate - sighed and then threw the jumparoo across the room in front of the baby. He did apologise before he went out, but he said it was in frustration because he thought I had "dropped the cup deliberately" to stall him leaving to go out (he was upstairs when this happened anyway and I didn't ask for any help cleaning it up).

I don't what to to do. It was so unnecessarily aggressive and our baby looked genuinely frightened. It's not the first time he's been aggressive- never physically but just raising his voice at me etc. but this is the first time in front of the baby.

He and his mate are coming back here in a few hours and I don't know what to do.

@stingofthebutterfly

The solution to everything on Mumsnet is to split up with him because all men are bastards and one act of throwing a child's toy when he's annoyed with you is tantamount to abuse. No wonder so many children come from broken homes when people aren't willing to work at their relationship. Nobody values family anymore. It's sad.

He was pissed off. He threw a toy and apologised. Nobody got hurt. Yeah, he's an idiot, but this is nothing to lose a relationship over and screw your child's relationship with their dad up over. Just talk to the guy when you've both calmed down and you're feeling better.

I'd tell him not to bring his mates back tonight though.

There’s nothing broken about my home.

At least not since the abusive man in if left.

WTF is wrong with you?

The solution to everything on Mumsnet is to split up with him because all men are bastards and one act of throwing a child's toy when he's annoyed with you is tantamount to abuse. No wonder so many children come from broken homes when people aren't willing to work at their relationship. Nobody values family anymore. It's sad

Well no. It really isn't.

One act of throwing a large, expensive piece of equipment across a room, when your wife, who is suffering with diagnosed PND, asks you to be home in time to help put his child to bed, is not really a rational response.

A woman has every fucking right to not put up with this behaviour.

This is behaviour from someone who is supposed to love and protect their family.

You would not put up with it from a stranger, so why the fuck would you accept it from someone who is supposed to love you?

Fuck that shit.

Agree - my home is not broken. My kids are well adjusted and happy, doing amazingly well at school and most importantly have all learned (boys and girls) about what a healthy relationship should look like.

My DS is in his 20s and if ever I have seen a sniff of him treating his GF anything other than 100% respectfully I have pulled him up on it, told him I won’t tolerate it and told her not to either. How could I seriously teach him that if I was putting up with the same from my XDP?

Our DCs learn about relationships from what they see around them. Tolerating poor behaviour to save “breaking up” a home helps nobody but the abuser. Of course there will be hurdles to overcome, but it’s so worth it.

Please watch by a gorgeous MNer who I met on here when we were both splitting with our exes - she handled the split with her ex with such dignity and care for her children and has gone on to coach other women to lead their family in its new form.

Thank you for that brilliant talk, @RoyKentsChestHair.

OP please ignore the vile blaming posters on here.
There are some disturbed men who come here to harrass and abuse women on these forums.

When you get a chance, ring up Women's aid and talk to them about your situation. If you have a close friend you trust, confide in them too.

What your DP is doing is wrong. There's no reason for him to shout, get agressive, and throw things. No excuse at all. Everyone has a bad day but most people don't do those things. Imagine him throwing stuff around at work when angry. He'd be sacked straight away.

You and your baby deserve kindnes and respect.

What was he like when he finally returned?
I hope you're ok x

I can’t believe the low standards of some people. Chucking something small across a room in anger is unacceptable, but to defend chucking something as big as a jumperoo is quite staggering.

Gosh there are some vile people posting on this post!
He sounds horrible and will probably get worse. Hugs to you OP

I find it really upsetting when someone says a certain behaviour isn't 'an excuse' to leave someone, as though you need a good enough 'excuse' otherwise you're just stuck with the person, no matter how horrible they are. It makes me think those people see relationships as being a sort of captive or hostage - once you're in, you can't get out without a fight. That's not what a relationship is. A relationship is two people making each others' lives better, respecting and supporting each other. Either partner can leave at any time, for any reason, it isn't a prison, it's completely optional. Both people should stay because they want to stay and choose to stay, not because they can't leave or because they don't have a 'good enough excuse.'

It also horrifies me that anyone would put up with a partner throwing a very large object across the room in anger. At a very very long stretch behaviour like that might be forgiven if the person is very apologetic and tries to at least talk about what went wrong, but if they do it to scare their partner (and child) then walk out to the pub, that's the end IMO. That's massively disrespectful, cruel and dangerous behaviour and no one should have such low self esteem that they wait around for more of the same.

Your build up to the cup dropping is suggesting that you may well have done it deliberately to stop him.

I can only imagine that someone who would post this is a coercive controller themselves and has no idea that posting this shit could be the catalyst needed to condemn the OP to a lifetime of abuse. Please treat the whole reply with the contempt it deserves.

OP, I hope you can find a way to stop living with this man very soon.

Are you ok?

@RoyKentsChestHair thank you for sharing the Ted Talk. It’s delivered with such purity, grace and aptness. It reframes the whole starting over without the lens of ‘deficit.’

Op, in your shoes, I’d plan to leave. (Well, I did, 7 years ago with 3 DC under 3).

There’s no blurred lines here. Throwing furniture (which is what it was, not a toy), is violence. Whatever the dynamics, that is a line that has been crossed.

Anyone else really worrying that we haven't heard back from the OP?

Not really, it sounded like she'd got what she needed from the thread and she name changed so had probably gone back to normal name by now.