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Original poster

Partner threw baby's jumparoo

239 replies

confusedandupset22 · 09/01/2022 18:08

I have NC for this but I post regularly.

I have an almost 9 month old baby. Tonight my partner threw the baby's jumparoo across the room in anger (baby wasn't in it but witnessed it and looked scared). The context was a disagreement about how long he would be out for that evening drinking with his friend. I have felt unwell all day and unsteady on my feet / shaky. I dropped a cup in the kitchen by accident and coffee went everywhere. I was cleaning it up and he came down - mid getting ready to go out drinking with his mate - sighed and then threw the jumparoo across the room in front of the baby. He did apologise before he went out, but he said it was in frustration because he thought I had "dropped the cup deliberately" to stall him leaving to go out (he was upstairs when this happened anyway and I didn't ask for any help cleaning it up).

I don't what to to do. It was so unnecessarily aggressive and our baby looked genuinely frightened. It's not the first time he's been aggressive- never physically but just raising his voice at me etc. but this is the first time in front of the baby.

He and his mate are coming back here in a few hours and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedandupset22 · 09/01/2022 19:31

It's not something small that he threw either, it made quite a thud when it hit the kitchen cupboard. I clocked the baby's face straight away as she was in the high chair. It wasn't nice. I hated him in that moment for scaring my baby. And for what? I was minding my own business mopping up spilt coffee.

OP posts:
UsernameInTheTown · 09/01/2022 19:31

Get him gone OP. Your OP gave me that jolt of fear. Please listen to what he is telling you about his priorities and feelings through his vile actions.

TracyMosby · 09/01/2022 19:31

Op, honestly this is typical abuser behaviour. You need to speak to someone to help you and your baby safely leave.

thebigpurpleone · 09/01/2022 19:32

Was the baby planned?

Original poster
confusedandupset22 · 09/01/2022 19:32

@thebigpurpleone

Was the baby planned?

Yes very much so.

OP posts:
thebigpurpleone · 09/01/2022 19:33

Did you not think his verbal aggression would be a problem?

Blossom64265 · 09/01/2022 19:33

@confusedandupset22

He later said "I thought you were just being manipulative and trying to stall me from going out on time" (by dropping the coffee), hence the anger
This is textbook blame the abuse victim behavior.

He will very likely escalate .

mathanxiety · 09/01/2022 19:33

@confusedandupset22

Throwing the baby jumperoo across the room was done to teach you how to treat him in future.

  • From now on you are not allowed to make any demands on his time.
  • Any response of yours to unreasonable behaviour or demands on his part will be seen as 'manipulation'.

He has decided that you are his adversary, clipping his wings.

I think you should start making plans to separate. There is nothing you can do to make this end well.

Don't accept the rules he has now laid down.

Don't accept that he gets his own way because he is willing and able to engage in displays of rage and physical strength.

If you find yourself wondering if sitting him down and explaining how unreasonable he was, and how it affected you, then you absolutely need to make plans to end this relationship.

When you need to explain civil behaviour to someone you have had a baby with, it's an indication that that person has stopped respecting you and loving you.

This won't get better. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

tiredinoratia · 09/01/2022 19:34

Granted I wasn't there and you are clearly shocked by the incident BUT given the information that has been dripfed since the original post I have some questions/observations.

  1. he was (albeit roughly and in frustration) moving the jumperoo to get to you to help you clean up?
  2. why would he assume you had dropped a cup to stall him, is this a typical passive-aggressive behavior dynamic in your relationship (from either side?)
  3. How do you typically communicate with each other on important topics?
  4. how often does he go out with his friends and how often do you get out?
  5. do you have any family support to enable you both to have a life beyond parenting?

Having a baby is a really stressful time but if this is truly violence in the relationship then you need to keep yourself safe - but from what I have read from YOUR posts, it sounds like two new parents at the end of their tether not having the skills to express their needs or emotions effectively and lacking support.

Get some support.

StrangerThanSpring · 09/01/2022 19:35

I can't believe people are actually making excuses for this guy. It's not normal behaviour to scare your wife by shouting and throwing things.

Ibleedibreedibreaatfeed · 09/01/2022 19:35

If you were my friend, I would pay for a taxi myself. Nip to Asda Tesco get some baby bits for you and tell you to stay over mine. Are you near a Travelodge you can get rooms for as little as £35? Or if you give us a rough location we could find a cheap hotel. Ps pack your passport, birth certificates somewhere safe. It's hard with a baby. But this isn't healthy. The fear on your child's face is them learning abuse. It's so sad. But we are all behind you. Ps update us please .

00100001 · 09/01/2022 19:35

@stingofthebutterfly

The solution to everything on Mumsnet is to split up with him because all men are bastards and one act of throwing a child's toy when he's annoyed with you is tantamount to abuse. No wonder so many children come from broken homes when people aren't willing to work at their relationship. Nobody values family anymore. It's sad.

He was pissed off. He threw a toy and apologised. Nobody got hurt. Yeah, he's an idiot, but this is nothing to lose a relationship over and screw your child's relationship with their dad up over. Just talk to the guy when you've both calmed down and you're feeling better.

I'd tell him not to bring his mates back tonight though.

But it isn't just one act though - is it? OP has said it isn't the first time he's been aggressive, - it's just the first time in front of the baby.
Koalaslippers · 09/01/2022 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 09/01/2022 19:36

All the other scary incidents are designed to control you too.

You can either have fear or love in a relationship, not both.

He has chosen a relationship based on fear. He has created a situation where you also have to choose.

Koalaslippers · 09/01/2022 19:37

Sorry wrong thread MN kept losing internet.

mathanxiety · 09/01/2022 19:38

Ignore the posters here who clearly have no idea at all what coercive control is.

Dontgetyerknicksinatwist · 09/01/2022 19:41

He’s a bad egg and you and your baby are not safe with him. You need to start making plans to leave him. For your child’s safety and happiness and yours as well.

Theblacksheepandme · 09/01/2022 19:41

You need to watch Maid on Netflix. This was one of the things said.
Before they bite, they bark. Before they hit you, they hit near you.”

Original poster
confusedandupset22 · 09/01/2022 19:42

@tiredinoratia

Granted I wasn't there and you are clearly shocked by the incident BUT given the information that has been dripfed since the original post I have some questions/observations.
  1. he was (albeit roughly and in frustration) moving the jumperoo to get to you to help you clean up?
  2. why would he assume you had dropped a cup to stall him, is this a typical passive-aggressive behavior dynamic in your relationship (from either side?)
  3. How do you typically communicate with each other on important topics?
  4. how often does he go out with his friends and how often do you get out?
  5. do you have any family support to enable you both to have a life beyond parenting?

Having a baby is a really stressful time but if this is truly violence in the relationship then you need to keep yourself safe - but from what I have read from YOUR posts, it sounds like two new parents at the end of their tether not having the skills to express their needs or emotions effectively and lacking support.

Get some support.

Just to answer your questions:

1)Yes. He threw it across the kitchen then started helping me clean up the mess.

  1. He assumes that my struggles in coping with the baby alone at times are “manipulative” as opposed to a genuine part of my postnatal illness (which I’m diagnosed with and receive professional help with). He’s made comments to that effect before when I’ve said I’m struggling to cope with baby by myself. So my guess is that he saw my dropping of the cup as just another deliberate “tactic”?

  2. I am very open and I communicate freely about my feelings. I am very clear and direct with him about plans etc, I wouldn’t drop it on him last minute that I’m off out and that’s that, for example. He talks very little about his feelings, even when I ask, and he is very poor at communicating plans and will often just do his own thing and tell me with very little notice.

4)Both of us very little.

5)None at all.

OP posts:
HotPenguin · 09/01/2022 19:42

You need to make plans to leave this scumbag.

WulyJmpr · 09/01/2022 19:42

All the stuff about the night out, the cup of coffee...it's all a red herring.

Fact is he is abusive as no one normal would throw a jumparoo across the room in anger in front of a baby. It's just not a reasonable thing to do.

He's trying to control you by frightening you and by extension your poor baby. You deserve to live without fear.

00100001 · 09/01/2022 19:42

@stingofthebutterfly

The solution to everything on Mumsnet is to split up with him because all men are bastards and one act of throwing a child's toy when he's annoyed with you is tantamount to abuse. No wonder so many children come from broken homes when people aren't willing to work at their relationship. Nobody values family anymore. It's sad.

He was pissed off. He threw a toy and apologised. Nobody got hurt. Yeah, he's an idiot, but this is nothing to lose a relationship over and screw your child's relationship with their dad up over. Just talk to the guy when you've both calmed down and you're feeling better.

I'd tell him not to bring his mates back tonight though.

Confused What's the point of a child being brought up around aggression, shouting and fear, just to support the notion of an "unbroken home".

You'd rather your child witness a grown man who supposedly loves them and their mother, shout , scream, , threaten, throw, punch, hit? - that's not "ruining" the Fathjer/Child relationship?

And ANY reason is a "good enough" reason to end ANY relationship - sorry. Nobody owes anybody anything. We aren't living in the 1800s where is scandalous to be divorced, or an unmarried mother etc

Surely it's better for the child to have separated parents, and live as amicably as possible - if it means one parent is safe from harm, and they don't have to witness such aggression?

Geauxtigers · 09/01/2022 19:43

This is a really unhealthy environment for your baby. They are learning that abuse is normal, and will come to accept that's how women are treated. Children that grow up in a house with aggression like this are so many times more likely to be in an abusive relationship themselves. You do not want that for them.
I can't believe he also just told you he was going out without discussing it. My husband would never even dream of doing that

Original poster
confusedandupset22 · 09/01/2022 19:44

Thankfully baby has settled very well and is currently sleeping soundly so that's one less worry.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 19:44

He assumes that my struggles in coping with the baby alone at times are “manipulative” as opposed to a genuine part of my postnatal illness (which I’m diagnosed with and receive professional help with). He’s made comments to that effect before when I’ve said I’m struggling to cope with baby by myself.

Has he ever looked after the baby alone?

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