Partner threw baby's jumparoo

[confusedandupset22]

I have NC for this but I post regularly.

I have an almost 9 month old baby. Tonight my partner threw the baby's jumparoo across the room in anger (baby wasn't in it but witnessed it and looked scared). The context was a disagreement about how long he would be out for that evening drinking with his friend. I have felt unwell all day and unsteady on my feet / shaky. I dropped a cup in the kitchen by accident and coffee went everywhere. I was cleaning it up and he came down - mid getting ready to go out drinking with his mate - sighed and then threw the jumparoo across the room in front of the baby. He did apologise before he went out, but he said it was in frustration because he thought I had "dropped the cup deliberately" to stall him leaving to go out (he was upstairs when this happened anyway and I didn't ask for any help cleaning it up).

I don't what to to do. It was so unnecessarily aggressive and our baby looked genuinely frightened. It's not the first time he's been aggressive- never physically but just raising his voice at me etc. but this is the first time in front of the baby.

He and his mate are coming back here in a few hours and I don't know what to do.

So you raised with him the fact he'd be going out and to him that means you're controlling him. Sounds like he has a guilty conscience. I mean, why leap there, why not accept you raised it cos you felt unwell? In any case, clearly he feels needed to go out...

Then he aggressively moves the thing in the way of helping you. Putting aside how he moved the thing in the way, he did help, so he's not a complete arse is he?

I wonder why he feels put out though. A lot of men get like this when a baby arrives cos of course their partner has less time for them.

I think you need to talk - not argue, in fact if you start disagreeing change tact, so you talk - about why he's upset. Get to the bottom of it so you have a clear picture of what's happening. Ref you feeling unwell etc. Make sure he understands this too - be factual not emotional. You may need a third person to help, a counsellor or friend might help but you both have to agree a third person is needed.

Good luck OP, don't throw the baby out with the bath water and write him off. He sounds stressed to me. Good luck

@confusedandupset22

Thankfully baby has settled very well and is currently sleeping soundly so that's one less worry.

Pack some things and make a plan to spend the night elsewhere.

@girlmom21

He assumes that my struggles in coping with the baby alone at times are “manipulative” as opposed to a genuine part of my postnatal illness (which I’m diagnosed with and receive professional help with). He’s made comments to that effect before when I’ve said I’m struggling to cope with baby by myself.

Has he ever looked after the baby alone?

He has, for a few hours maximum. I look after her for alone for long hours by myself when he's at work - he works really long shifts.

Same old fucking story! Bloke can't wait to get out of the house to go boozing with his mates. Acts like it's an abuse of his human rights should this look like getting cancelled, coz you know, like his partner and/or kid getting in the way of his attempt to pretend they aren't important for a few hours. Sorry - rant over.

@confusedandupset22

He later said "I thought you were just being manipulative and trying to stall me from going out on time" (by dropping the coffee), hence the anger

the mere fact he thinks this is a gigantic red flag. There is something really not right in this relationship at all. Either you actually do that, in which case you definitely are manipulative, or he tells you this is the behaviour he expects of you/you are capable of, which is gaslighting. Neither scenario is a healthy one at all. I would be getting your ducks in a row for sure. Your baby doesn't need to be around this and you deserve better too.

Have you been together very long? Has his verbal aggression got worse since baby came along? You can’t stick with someone on the premise they’re a good dad. Being aggressive to you and being unsupportive to you when you’re struggling with your mental health is not ok. Violence and aggression tends to get worse not better. The more he gets away with, the further he will go. I would get out sooner rather than later.

Been together 6.5 years

He wasn't happy with that, he said he wanted to stay out the whole time til after baby's bedtime, then also bring his mate back and they would continue drinking here. Was I being unreasonable in my request?

No, but, even if you had been it still wouldn’t justify him throwing furniture across the room. Especially not in front of the baby.

Just like even if you had passive-aggressively dropped the cup, it wouldn’t have been a good thing to do, but it wouldn’t justify him doing that in response.

Is there still an emotional abuse support thread on here? You would probably benefit from reading it/lurking/joining.

This is not normal. It's not normal that you have to have arguments and disagreements about how long he stays out at night when you have a young baby. Most people would be able to just have a calm and friendly and reasonable discussion. It's not normal that you worry about him getting drunk (normal partners don't get drunk, or are funny/silly drunks). It's not normal for him to say every other thing you do is manipulation, in fact it's not normal for him to suggest that anything you are doing is manipulation. People who say this are generally highly paranoid because they are manipulative themselves. It's definitely not normal to throw things, shout and scare your pregnant wife and baby. It's not okay. These things are worth questioning, I am not saying that you need to leave immediately, but please keep questioning, keep noticing, keep asking yourself is this normal. Benchmark. Because if you can see what is happening then it is much easier (not easy, but easier) to make decisions and decide whether you will keep living with it, whether your child should keep living with it.

Im assuming people referring to the jumperoo as a toy and not thinking this is a big deal, just dont know what a jumperoo is???

They are not small toys. They are large pieces of equipment. And a little heavy.

What are your finances like, OP?
Do you have your own money to move out, if necessary?
I think that his behaviour is really shit and
indicative of how little he thinks of you and the baby.

I believe, as others have said, that this is only likely to get much worse, so please think about all of your options for leaving.

Good luck - you shouldn't have to put up with this crap - and nor should your baby!

@confusedandupset22

Would it be an overreaction for me to leave him over this one incident though? He has been such loving dad to our baby so far. He's never done anything like this. I don't know what to do.

sorry, I hadn't RTFT when I replied before. OP, it's not this one incident though is it? This is a concrete incident you can point to, but it is not the single thing that he has done wrong. He undermines you and says that your mental health struggles after having a baby (very very normal) are 'manipulative'. He doesn't parent your child; he doesn't accept that having a baby requires compromises like perhaps having a friend over rather than going out. He isn't an equal partner, he isn't a good partner, he isn't a respectful partner. You don't need to be with him.

This is what he threw for those not sure what it is.

YY Tracy.

For anyone who doesn't know what it is - basically a static baby walker. They're huge.

I wouldn’t leave him alone with your baby

You’re attempting to come across all doe-eyed but I think your behaviour has a huge part to play here, you’re just hiding it.

Please elaborate?

There's a history of aggression on his part, verbal not physical, and not with baby present until tonight.

What an absolutely EXCELLENT choice of man to choose to procreate with. Good luck to your child if this is the environment he is going to gro up in for the next 17.5 years.

Sorry if that is blunt but jesus christ you have a child to think of now. This is a disgusting way to behave in front of a child and if you see saying he's got form for it he knows he can do it over and over and you will do nothing. I mean, you knew he was aggressive and had a baby. God, if you were my friend I'd come and get you out of there myself. I'd do whatever I could to get you back on your feet away from him and in a calm environment for your poor baby. I cant imagine how hard this is for you with PND on top but I really hope there is someone in your life you can lean on. You don't deserve this and neither does your baby.
xxx

Are you seeking help for your PND? It can be exhausting living with someone with mental health issues, particularly when they try and come across how you are attempting here.

Yes I am seeking help. What do you mean how I'm attempting to come across??

@Natty13 he has never been physical before and I never for one second thought he would do so in front of our baby

@colourfulpuddles

Well don't read them then? Thanks for your input, it was hugely helpful at a really shitty time in my life

OP, did he throw the jumperoo out of frustration across the room or did it hit the cupboard when he moved it out the way in a grump, if you reflect on it now?

He’s an arsehole I’m sorry OP.

FWIW I just ended a 9 year relationship for a very similar reason. Luckily no shared DCs so I am able to completely cut him off.

But having had a similar incident years ago, which I forgave, I thought he’d changed. But then just before Xmas he got cross about me asking for help in the kitchen, kicked over a coffee table, scaring the shit out of my cat who was nearby, and when I didn’t react the right way to that, kicked my fan across the kitchen. Alongside some nasty misogyny, this was enough for me to decide to split with him, even though when he’s nice he’s the funniest, kindest, sexiest man I’ve ever known. I won’t put up with someone kicking, throwing, hitting inanimate objects because it’s aggressive, intimidating and unnecessary.

You don’t need to keep a family together when this is the example they are being set of how to behave when they’re angry. I know full well my XDP’s kids will end up being (or more likely being WITH partners who are also) physically aggressive in anger, having watched him lose his shit on a regular basis and their mum in a physically abusive relationship too.

If you’d be happy for your DCs to grow up throwing, kicking and shouting in a rage when they think they might not get to the pub, stay put.

If you want your DC to grow up learning how to handle their big emotions with respect for others, kick this arsehole out - even if only while he realises how unacceptable this behaviour is and gets some counselling.

I had a BF in the past who started off throwing things and punching holes in walls. He ended up strangling me and biting my face, I’m lucky I’m still alive. Please don’t allow this to pass as just a bad day, PPs saying it’s ab overreaction don’t understand what abuse looks like. This is 100% abuse.