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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner threw baby's jumparoo

239 replies

confusedandupset22 · 09/01/2022 18:08

I have NC for this but I post regularly.

I have an almost 9 month old baby. Tonight my partner threw the baby's jumparoo across the room in anger (baby wasn't in it but witnessed it and looked scared). The context was a disagreement about how long he would be out for that evening drinking with his friend. I have felt unwell all day and unsteady on my feet / shaky. I dropped a cup in the kitchen by accident and coffee went everywhere. I was cleaning it up and he came down - mid getting ready to go out drinking with his mate - sighed and then threw the jumparoo across the room in front of the baby. He did apologise before he went out, but he said it was in frustration because he thought I had "dropped the cup deliberately" to stall him leaving to go out (he was upstairs when this happened anyway and I didn't ask for any help cleaning it up).

I don't what to to do. It was so unnecessarily aggressive and our baby looked genuinely frightened. It's not the first time he's been aggressive- never physically but just raising his voice at me etc. but this is the first time in front of the baby.

He and his mate are coming back here in a few hours and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
WhyYesYABU · 09/01/2022 19:08

@Santaisstilleatingmincepies

Are you controlling? Why does he need to be told how long he is out for..?
Surely a part of a normal relationship with kids to negotiate time away from the home vs. who is at home with kids to allow everyone to get the support they need and free time they need?!
Georgeskitchen · 09/01/2022 19:09

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone like this. I was years ago and it was awful. He used to have "blackouts" where he used to destroy items in the house. He claimed he wasn't aware of what he was doing, although oddly enough it was only ever my possessions that were destroyed. I stood it for about 3.5 years then I snapped and threw him out. Never looked back

TheVolturi · 09/01/2022 19:10

It's a fair thing to throw, he could have really hurt someone, or worse. I'd be very way about letting him back in.

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 09/01/2022 19:10

This reply has been deleted

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Emerald5hamrock · 09/01/2022 19:11

Typical he works hard so expects leisure time and not a few hours the entire evening with a sick partner and baby.
@AutumnAlmanack A bouncing toy the baby sits/stands in, not a small object.

violetbunny · 09/01/2022 19:12

He doesn't even sound remorseful for what he's done, so this is hardly going to get better in the future is it? I call bullshit that he thinks you dropped the cup on purpose, he's making it out like he thought you were being manipulative in order to excuse his behaviour.

Throwing something across the room is threatening violence. This action is intended to signal next time this could be you. It doesn't matter that no one was physically hurt this time around, he is using this behaviour to get his own way and make you fall into line. That's what's so awful about it. As someone who has experienced living with this kind of behaviour it definitely won't get better and will almost undoubtedly get worse. Get out while you can.

TracyMosby · 09/01/2022 19:15

@Santaisstilleatingmincepies

What if op was here telling us her dp was clock watching her moves?
If you think picking up a jumperoo and throwing it in front of a 9 month old is excusable, you must have serious anger issues yourself.
girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 19:16

@Santaisstilleatingmincepies

What if op was here telling us her dp was clock watching her moves?
We wouldn't recommend she throws big lumps of metal around in front of the baby in retaliation.
Original poster
confusedandupset22 · 09/01/2022 19:16

@Santaisstilleatingmincepies

What if op was here telling us her dp was clock watching her moves?

I'm not watching his moves, why are you twisting it? I asked him if he would compromise with me - he still gets his few hours out drinking this afternoon plus the entire rest of the evening after baby is settled in bed to sit downstairs drinking with his mate. He wanted to be out the entire afternoon plus evening. I don't think what I was asking was entirely unfair considering I've had no leisure time to myself at all since baby was born.

OP posts:
Emerald5hamrock · 09/01/2022 19:16

What if op was here telling us her dp was clock watching her moves?
What? OP isn't feeling great, does most of the childcare, is feeling ill weak dizzy, asks partner to come home earlier, nmhis reaction is to scare her, baby, destroy property because he's sulking.
I'd stick the clock where the sun doesn't shine.

Wheresthebeach · 09/01/2022 19:16

@AnxiousWeirdo

I'm going to be brutally honest here, he won't get better .. it WILL get worse. Don't be like me, putting up with it for 10 years before I'm finally leaving. I know how hard it is but please leave
Listen to this...this is the beginning of his aggression. He's testing to see what you will put up with. And his awful behaviour is already your fault in his imagination.

He doesn't care about your PND. He will escalate over time. You will be hit and you will be blamed.

Leave.

Queenie6655 · 09/01/2022 19:17

@confusedandupset22

Also when I said to him afterwards that really wasn't ok, he said "well baby sees you crying so that's upsetting the baby too". 😳

Like that's the same?! He's referring to my postnatal illness when he says that, and comparing it to his aggression. Unbelievable. I'm so angry.

That's it

Heard enough now

This man is vile

Can you change the locks tonight

Fck him
Do not stay with an adviser

MissAmbrosia · 09/01/2022 19:19

I can practically guarantee he has engineered this scenario so he can now go out and do what the heck he likes and you will the one feeling guilty about it.

Lilymossflower · 09/01/2022 19:21

Leave him please, it's already bad enough. Stay with a friend/family member for a few days if you can, and come up with a plan.

Suzanne999 · 09/01/2022 19:23

@Emerald5hamrock

He is scum lashing out with a baby in the room, destroying toys due to a hissy fit over alcohol. I rarely say LTB but I'd leave the horrible bastard.
^^ This. His behaviour is unacceptable and potentially dangerous for your child. Why should you live like this ??
Comedycook · 09/01/2022 19:23

This is sad to read...I think you should leave him. He will get worse and it is not fair on your poor baby or you.

Original poster
confusedandupset22 · 09/01/2022 19:23

So he basically wanted to be out from 4pm til 9.30/10pm. I asked if he could go out 4-7 ish, come home for baby's bedtime routine just to support me with it as I'm not feeling physically very well and she's hard to settle at the best of times. Then once baby was settled he could sit downstairs with his mate and drink the rest of the evening/night away and I'd be upstairs with baby and see to her if she woke etc. He wasn't happy with that, he said he wanted to stay out the whole time til after baby's bedtime, then also bring his mate back and they would continue drinking here. Was I being unreasonable in my request? Confused

OP posts:
rossclare · 09/01/2022 19:24

@1forAll74

Just frustration it sounds like, maybe because of questioning about his drinking times on his night out.. Not an excuse to leave someone.
This.
Original poster
confusedandupset22 · 09/01/2022 19:25

Considering he's not home and I'm about to start bedtime routine, and also he's not answered my text or been in touch, I'm assuming he's decided to do what he likes, so... there you go. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
JustLyra · 09/01/2022 19:25

Did his verbal aggression start when you were pregnant by any chance?

It's a very common time for anger and abuse to begin.

rrhuth · 09/01/2022 19:26

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

I don't really understand why you posted, then have ignored all advice to leave.

What do you want us to tell you?

If he is verbally aggressive, you need to end it. If he starts chucking your baby's stuff around, you need to leave.

Does he need to hit you or the baby before you take this seriously? Please take it seriously. There are many women on here who have been through this and who are offering you their advice and experience.

Not helpful to bully the OP in this fashion. Being supportive usually more effective and helpful.
Original poster
confusedandupset22 · 09/01/2022 19:26

@JustLyra

No, just before I got pregnant but I also experienced it on one occasion whilst pregnant and it scared the life out of me. He's very loud when he shouts.

OP posts:
L0stinCyberspace · 09/01/2022 19:28

You are 100% not unreasonable to ask him OP.

U need support, not abuse and gaslighting.

I suspect your PND might lift if significantly if you were away from him.

Tell him to stay at his friends tonight and take some time to decide what you should do.

FTEngineerM · 09/01/2022 19:28

and it scared the life out of me. He's very loud when he shouts

That’s what it’s meant to do.. scare you. Human beings react to loud noises, that’s why he’s doing it, he wants you to be scared……. Think about that. Why would anyone who loves and cares about you want You to be scared?

Throckmorton · 09/01/2022 19:29

He's abusive. If I was your friend I'd wnat you to call me - you wouldn't be imposing!

To the people saying that throwing something across the room isn't a reason for leaving someone - my god you have low standards.

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