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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it normal for a man

166 replies

Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 07:10

To talk about the little details when it comes to fashion and style? I understand we all have different tastes and like certain things. But why would a man be focused on brands, colours and hair styles and seem to be thinking of exes styles.

My boyfriend was with "carol" for 4 years. She was a nurse and she had blonde hair and was very naturally pretty. They separated because she was having an affair at work. He's told me she had expensive taste and liked dresses from a place called coast. He said she often did her hair and he learned to highlight it. He doesn't mention Carol. Perhaps once every few months just because it ties in. I feel quote conformable with this.

His last girlfriend "amy". She was mid 30s and didn't want children. She had a career and had money to enjoy. They shared 2 full time wages. Amy got her hair highlighted. She liked wearing a variety of clothes and getting her nails done. She often has her hair different lengths and colours and sometimes its straight or curly and sometimes she has it up in a variety of ways. They had a 9 year relationship that stopped in 2019

I wouldn't know any of this but my boyfriend has made me feel confused. He often will say to me. You are naturally pretty. You look so lovely today. I love your coat. That jumpers so nice. But he does this too.

I think you'd suit your hair up more. Because your face is so pretty it shows it off more with your hair up.

I think you'd suit bold colours like red and black (his last girlfriend is often wearing red or black)

Do you ever curl your hair with those wand things? (His ex has her hair like this on half her pictures)

Ill buy you a pair of ugg or timberland walking boots. They are so comfy and you'll love them. (Seen his ex selling a pair of ugg ones that were too small)

He asked me once if I liked coast dresses. I said I'd never heard of it. He told me that's where Carol liked to shop. I've since seen on his old photos of his ex Amy that she was wearing a dress from that shop (yes I googled it)

So now I'm thinking what is it that he wants? I use makeup. I have thick hair that I straighten but it often goes wavy. I can't afford highlights and nails. But I do paint mine. he's often said he finds me attractive because I'm natural and likes that I don't have false stuff. But sometimes when he's asking me if I do xyz or I need some expensive comfy boots and I know his ex had them. I am worried that he's not thinking of my comfort but he's more thinking I don't have a style he likes.

I asked him yesterday why he asked me about my hair. I said do you not like my hair and he said my hair is lovely. I then said I take It your ex used to do q mixture of things and that's why you asked. He said no other girls complain that they want their hair straight or curly depending on what they have. I just wondered if you always like yours straight.

We've been having these conversations for months now and he plays abit dumb.

The confusing thing is he doesn't seem to like his last exes ways. He's called her materialistic more than once and said about her obsession with showing off what she had all the time.

What is going on here? I've never known a man to focus so much on little details

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 07:22

He wants a specific woman and that's not you. He wants someone who dresses and looks a certain way etc. I'd make it clear you're not his exes, you don't want to look like them and you're comfortable with who you are.

Chikapu · 09/01/2022 07:23

Is he trying to turn you into a carbon copy of his ex-girlfriends? I wouldn't want to be with someone who's so hyper focused on my appearance and where I buy my clothes, it sounds mind numbingly boring.

KiloWhat · 09/01/2022 07:25

He has a type and he's trying to turn you into it rather than like you for you are. I'd run.

GoodnightGrandma · 09/01/2022 07:26

I wonder if those women looked like that because he was asking them too, like he’s asking you ?
And I know I’ll get slated here, but I’d also question his sexuality from what you’ve written.

Whattochoosenow · 09/01/2022 07:27

It’s a bit weird to be honest.

Gargellen · 09/01/2022 07:30

I had an ex that did this. He had a fantasy woman and was trying to make me fit the fantasy.

My now DH wouldn't know a coat from a dress quite honestly. He accepts me for how I am and vice versa.

Shit like you describe would drive me crazy.

Joystir59 · 09/01/2022 07:33

He sounds very shallow and objectifying towards you and about his exes. And he seems to go on about them alot.

Wotsitsits · 09/01/2022 07:35

Well your problem here is that this man is creepy and borderline abusive. He should not be telling you how to do your hair or what clothes to wear. Run away very fast.

Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 07:39

He has said that his last girlfriend was struggling when he met her. I know he spoilt her. I don't know whether he got her into expensive stuff. But in regards to her looks. She's nothing special in regards to her clothes. Very similar to me casually. Jeggings and jumpers. If she's out for a meal she seems to be in floral maxi dresses or midi dresses. Her hair is just up or down wavy or straight. She has it different colours. She's not strikingly beautiful. She's not dolled up much. He did say once he never fancied her that much physically but was attracted to her in a different way. The blonde nurse he's said was beautiful and men looked at her as if to say why are you with him.

His ex Carol is wearing alot of black on Facebook.

We are 3 very different women. But all of us take pride in our appearance in different ways. I'm a mum and don't have a career. So I don't have the time or money right now to get highlights for example.

I'm trying to work out if his ex has been trained like pp said. Or if she was always that way and he's thinking he wants me to be more varied with my hair etc. But why would that matter to him?

I've seen her in red jumpers and they are just jumpers! One of them is a jumper dress and she's wearing it on several photos and I don't think it flatters her figure at all. Its shapeless. I'd understand if she was glammed up. But he's comparing me to a woman who's wearing a bog standard jumper and has put a few waves in her hair (if he is comparing)

OP posts:
rrhuth · 09/01/2022 07:40

I would not want this in my life, tbh.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 07:43

@Chocandtea women who are struggling don't buy from Coast or Ugg.

Men who understand the lives of single women don't expect them to shop at places like Coast...

icklekid · 09/01/2022 07:45

I think it is slightly odd how obsessed you seem with his ex girlfriends? Googling where their dresses are from photos? Why do you know his ex is selling ugg boots?

He knew his exes liked something and asked if you would like something similar? I don’t imagine he is doing it because he wants you to be them, he’s been clear that isn’t the case. He just has no other frame of reference for what you might like?

He might be weird and previous posters might be correct but I think you need to block his exes on social media and stop obsessing over them if your relationship has a chance…

KiloWhat · 09/01/2022 07:48

she's out for a meal she seems to be in floral maxi dresses or midi dresses. Her hair is just up or down wavy or straight. She has it different colours. She's not strikingly beautiful. She's not dolled up much.

How do you know this. Are you looking her up on the internet? You're almost as bad as he is, quit obsessing over these women. You need to dump him as he is obsessed with them and you are quickly becoming obsessed too.

KiloWhat · 09/01/2022 07:49

We are 3 very different women. But all of us take pride in our appearance in different ways seriously... stop comparing yourself to his exes. It's weird.

ManchesterTartwithCustard · 09/01/2022 07:49

I think it all sound very strange. I think he wants to buy himself a dress from Coast, I think he wants to have hair that he can highlight and experiment with a curling wand. Sounds like he wanted a friendship with Carol and Amy rather than a relationship. I honestly believe this. I do not mean to sound flippant. He should be saying thinks like "you are so pretty" and leaving it there. He is far too i interested in things he shouldn't give a toss about. I would be exiting this relationship ASAP. I wish you well and hope you meet somebody who makes you feel great about yourself, that is what should be happening now and it isn't.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 07:51

I do also think it's weird you know so much about his exes...

Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 07:55

I'm not obsessed with his ex. But yes these comments have made me click on to photos he's got of her on his profile. It triggers a thought pattern. He told me I can afford to wear bold colours because I'm pale. He then continued to say red and a black knitted jumper would really suit Me. These are items of clothing his ex is wearing in his photos.
I noticed the uggs because I've looked on her profile out of curiosity and not much is open but stuff she was selling was.

I wouldn't even notice these things but he's always doing these little questions or suggestions about hair and clothes and colours. He isn't exactly suggesting stuff he's picked out for me based on me as an individual. The brands, colours and styles are all similar to his ex.
I have a few lipsy things that he likes when I wear them. That's a brand I like. But I don't know if he's registered that and would look at that brand or if he still would like me to wear brands his ex wore more.

OP posts:
KiloWhat · 09/01/2022 07:56

You are not a doll. He doesn't get to dress you up like his ex.

HoliHormonalTigerlilly · 09/01/2022 07:56

He sounds a bit odd op. Sorry.

TracyMosby · 09/01/2022 07:57

He wants a specific woman
This is spot on. It all sounds very, very creepy. I wouldnt be staying.

Justilou1 · 09/01/2022 07:58

Have you seen “Stepford Wives” @Chocandtea? RUN!!!

Hassled · 09/01/2022 07:59

Maybe he just lacks imagination- his exes, who he was with for quite a long time, liked hair and makeup stuff, and Coast, and whatever, so he assumes all women like that stuff. I don't think it necessarily means he wants you to be like them - just that he thinks all women have the same interests, which is a whole different problem.

SmallElephant · 09/01/2022 08:01

I would find this very off putting OP. The occasional comment "your hair looks lovely like that" is nice, but suggesting I wear certain colours / brands or buy from a certain shop would be a step too far IMO. Either he loves you as you are or he can get back together with one of his exes!

Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 08:03

He's made sure I know stuff about his exes. This is what I'm saying. He's very focused on shopping and thinks about what his exes had and suggests those things to me. He told me she fake tanned and it looked stupid sometimes.

The hair questions drive me crazy. I have thick naturally wavy hair. If it rains I get curls. I straighten it and have it with long layers. I don't curl it because it takes forever. It goes frizzy. It feels thick and full of volume if it's curled.

I even have the sane size feet and height as Amy. I know this because he's told me.

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 09/01/2022 08:05

I don't think it's normal at all and I would find it quite undermining.

Ageee with the other posters who say that he wants a certain kind of woman and it's not you, sorry.