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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it normal for a man

166 replies

Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 07:10

To talk about the little details when it comes to fashion and style? I understand we all have different tastes and like certain things. But why would a man be focused on brands, colours and hair styles and seem to be thinking of exes styles.

My boyfriend was with "carol" for 4 years. She was a nurse and she had blonde hair and was very naturally pretty. They separated because she was having an affair at work. He's told me she had expensive taste and liked dresses from a place called coast. He said she often did her hair and he learned to highlight it. He doesn't mention Carol. Perhaps once every few months just because it ties in. I feel quote conformable with this.

His last girlfriend "amy". She was mid 30s and didn't want children. She had a career and had money to enjoy. They shared 2 full time wages. Amy got her hair highlighted. She liked wearing a variety of clothes and getting her nails done. She often has her hair different lengths and colours and sometimes its straight or curly and sometimes she has it up in a variety of ways. They had a 9 year relationship that stopped in 2019

I wouldn't know any of this but my boyfriend has made me feel confused. He often will say to me. You are naturally pretty. You look so lovely today. I love your coat. That jumpers so nice. But he does this too.

I think you'd suit your hair up more. Because your face is so pretty it shows it off more with your hair up.

I think you'd suit bold colours like red and black (his last girlfriend is often wearing red or black)

Do you ever curl your hair with those wand things? (His ex has her hair like this on half her pictures)

Ill buy you a pair of ugg or timberland walking boots. They are so comfy and you'll love them. (Seen his ex selling a pair of ugg ones that were too small)

He asked me once if I liked coast dresses. I said I'd never heard of it. He told me that's where Carol liked to shop. I've since seen on his old photos of his ex Amy that she was wearing a dress from that shop (yes I googled it)

So now I'm thinking what is it that he wants? I use makeup. I have thick hair that I straighten but it often goes wavy. I can't afford highlights and nails. But I do paint mine. he's often said he finds me attractive because I'm natural and likes that I don't have false stuff. But sometimes when he's asking me if I do xyz or I need some expensive comfy boots and I know his ex had them. I am worried that he's not thinking of my comfort but he's more thinking I don't have a style he likes.

I asked him yesterday why he asked me about my hair. I said do you not like my hair and he said my hair is lovely. I then said I take It your ex used to do q mixture of things and that's why you asked. He said no other girls complain that they want their hair straight or curly depending on what they have. I just wondered if you always like yours straight.

We've been having these conversations for months now and he plays abit dumb.

The confusing thing is he doesn't seem to like his last exes ways. He's called her materialistic more than once and said about her obsession with showing off what she had all the time.

What is going on here? I've never known a man to focus so much on little details

OP posts:
Bel1991 · 09/01/2022 17:02

To me it sounds like he's using his pay relationships and experiences to talk with you and build conversation.
I understand that it could feel differently in person though.
I also think F what he thinks about your style etc, he must be attracted to you if he began a relationship with you, I wouldn't take into consideration what he thinks your hair should be like etc.
if he wants you to wear things a certain way or do things a certain way, that's a little alarming controlling behaviour that is be wary of

sweetbellyhigh · 09/01/2022 17:04

[quote girlmom21]@sweetbellyhigh what are you talking about?

@Skeumorph asked if she wanted kids with him because if she does she should find a different boyfriend. @Chikapu responded and I responded to her.

Nobody except you has mentioned anything about fertility. I'm not sure how my 8 word response equates to me going off on a ridiculous tangent... are you ok? [/quote]
I am so fine, why would you wonder about my well-being?

Oh that's right, you are always rude.

You have totally misread the OP. And you have been very rude. The End.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 17:13

@sweetbellyhigh please explain to me where I've been rude and what I've got wrong from the OP?

You suggested I questioned OP's fertility which I clearly haven't done.

Skeumorph · 09/01/2022 17:25

[quote girlmom21]@sweetbellyhigh what are you talking about?

@Skeumorph asked if she wanted kids with him because if she does she should find a different boyfriend. @Chikapu responded and I responded to her.

Nobody except you has mentioned anything about fertility. I'm not sure how my 8 word response equates to me going off on a ridiculous tangent... are you ok? [/quote]
Oh sorry people. I did miss that OP already has kids.

However yes she could want more.

With kids, I'd change tack and ask if - given that she has kids that she presumably wants a stable home/drama free life for, why bother allowing this kind of man to take up headspace... much less be in line to be a potential person who has a relationship with her children!

billy1966 · 09/01/2022 19:10

@YukoandHiro

He sounds controlling. Nothing worse than being constantly criticised and compared.
This.

He won't improve.

Geppili · 09/01/2022 23:10

He wants a Sindy doll to dress up and play with. He sees you as a plaything, an object, a doll.

ForgottenWhyImHere · 09/01/2022 23:49

At best he's controlling.

My ex was a bit like this. Told me how to do my hair, had very definite ideas about what did or didn't suit me. It caused a lot of arguments and tension and generally left me feeling self-conscious, anxious and shitty about myself. My ex turned out to be gay. And I've since learnt from other women who have been in long term relationships with men who turned out to be gay that controlling behaviour about clothes/appearance is quite a common theme in these relationships.

My theory on this is that they (closeted gay men) don't want to be gay but also know on some level that they don't feel the attraction they should to their female partners. They convince themselves that if only the woman would dress better, style themselves better, do their hair differently, etc. then they would be more attracted to them. That thinking makes it the woman's fault that something is wrong in the relationship - the man's sexuality is not the issue, so it's not his fault.

Now, based on the information the OP has given, it's obviously still a huge leap to question her partner's sexuality. But I don't think it's at all weird that other posters think it's something to consider. It's the first thing I thought. But I know I'm hyper sensitive to any signs of someone else being in the situation I found myself in. I also think it's very telling that he's so critical of his exes generally. It sounds like he's the kind of person who never sees their own flaws - everything is always everyone else's fault.

I think the OP deserves better.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/01/2022 23:54

It's really fucking weird he's talking to you about his exes in that level of detail at all and even more weird it's all about their wardrobes and appearance.

Pinkbonbon · 10/01/2022 00:02

What are the bets Amy dumped him because she was sick to death of him trying to turn her into carol?

This could be natcissistic triangulation. Using the exs to make you feel 'am I not enough the way I am for him?' And 'will I always be a runner up to jis ex'. Depends but, I would be on my guard for other manipulations such as gaslighting behaviour.

Pinkbonbon · 10/01/2022 00:03

*narcissistic

Pinkbonbon · 10/01/2022 00:09

[quote Chocandtea]@KiloWhat

We've been involved since November 2020. So just over a year. Amy comes up negatively mostly. He complains alot about her. Even down to things she's done to the house since he moved out. He split from her 3 years ago. They still check I and say hi every now and then. She doesn't like me being with him and has expressed that she doesn't trust me.[/quote]
Qnd you've heard this from....him, right?

Sorry op but this is textbook 'my ex is crazy/mean' bullshit. If he didn't like her then why is he being such a fake bastard and staying in touch with her and yet slagging her off to you. Standard narcissist bullshit. He probably tells her horrible stuff about you too.

And the ugg boots thing is fucking creepy op. Seriously that alone screams - ruuuuuun!

Pinkbonbon · 10/01/2022 00:17

Also sounds like he is a love bomber.
They buy gifts so that when they act like shit and you call them out on it they can make you feel guilty because 'look at everything I've done for you'.

That and the 'I've never felt this way about anyone before blah blah, I could never talk to my ex (that he was with 9 years!) like I do you blah blah'. Face palm. More red flags than a communist rally.

Onthedunes · 10/01/2022 02:30

What's the obsession with red and black jumpers?

Seriously it's difficult to pull those colours off unless you are Dennis the Menace or Freddie Krugger.

Maybe that's it, he's got a fettish.

Dump this triangulating, negging git and tell him he doesn't meet your required standards as your ex used to wear Vetements, Fendi and Givenchy for knocking about in and he smelt devine with his Creed aftersave.

What a knobhead.
Get rid, he's too old.

You do know age doesn't always equate with wisdom don't you ?

Chocandtea · 10/01/2022 07:06

I don't think it completely stops as being obsessed with her clothes. Amy and he split because they were probably not that compatible. Amy can't have children and he had the snip after his children were born. Amy was career focused and liked her holidays with her friends. He felt very insecure in their relationship. They constantly were bickering over their phones and it sounds like he stayed home alot whilst she was away. They both drank too much aswel and he got too heavy on the drink. He's told me various stories about her behaviour regarding her phone. Social media and her immaturity about thinking she was popular. He also has q nagging feeling she possibly cheated on him on one of her holidays as she snap chatted pics wearing a wedding ring and came back with a toy! He's very bitter towards her at the moment. He has gone through a variety of stages where he sees her as someone who's very important to him as she's done more for him than family. But he also bounces the other way and complain about her behaviour.

Maybe he's just not over Amy. I don't know.

I think she has a nice smile and a nice enough looking face. But I've never seen her in Amy of her photos and thought wow she's stunning in that outfit. I'd go as far as saying the red jumper dress is ready for a charity bag. It doesn't flatter her shape and looks bobbly if I'm honest.

I honestly don't know what to think anymore. Reading all these comments. I'm not sold on him being potentially gay. I'm not sure. I feel like he is more likely to be wishing I was more Amy. But surely a jumper or hair is what he's missing. I'd understand if I was scruffy and didn't try. But I have a perfectly up to date wardrobe in that respect. I'm not as out and about and dressed up in dresses because Amy has a career and I have a young family. But he doesn't seem to be happy with her work life anyway and felt ignored.

OP posts:
2DogsOnMySofa · 10/01/2022 07:20

There's nothing wrong with your dp having an opinion on what colours suit you, the comment about hair being up 'could, be a cack handed compliment, but I do find it strange that he seems to be talking about this stuff a lot. Also why does he keep talking about his ex's? It's usual to discuss them early on in a relationship, but to keep talking about ex's after a year or so is just odd.

My dh will give me an opinion on an outfit or hairstyle if I ask and will occasion say I look nice without prompt but I'd not like him suggesting how I should look. We also haven't talked about our ex's in years

In your shoes op I'd simply say you like what you like, if you want the UGGs say yes, if not politely decline. Also stop looking at his ex's on social media and if he brings them up have a conversation with him about why he feels the need to talk about them .

girlmom21 · 10/01/2022 07:26

@Chocandtea his relationship didn't work with Amy because she was too immature, on her phone too much and too independent - but he's a man nearing 50 who had Snapchat?

OP if she was that immature why would he go for another woman so much younger than him?

He's telling you all the things you're not allowed to do because he doesn't like it.
You're not allowed to go away without him.
You're not allowed to earn too much because he'll feel inferior. You're not allowed to spend too much time on your phone. If you do those things he'll end the relationship.

Ploppy1322 · 10/01/2022 07:30

It's hard to say but I wonder if he's quite controlling and likes women to look a certain way. You'd assume he's asking you to try and make you look more like his ex, who's style he preferred. I'm wondering if the exes also shopped at certain shops or had their hair done in a certain way on his suggestions. He sounds a bit creepy imo 😳 xx

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 10/01/2022 07:32

Well he sounds bloody weird and still in love with his ex. But you sound a bit mad too, stalking their photos and analysing their jumpers! And if a man makes you act like a crazy person, that’s usually a massive red flag! I once dumped a guy for suggesting I should wear blue eye shadow ( like his ex). You should do the same, this won’t end well.

Atla · 10/01/2022 07:40

I'd say it is unusual for a person (man or woman) to learn to highlight hair solely to do their girlfriends/boyfriends hair? Did I read that right? Am ready to be corrected

Anyway, I couldn't be with someone who constantly brought up his exes, negged me or tried to control what I wore, as if I were a doll.

Chocandtea · 10/01/2022 07:46

I think from talking this through on here that he's still confused with Amy. She has caused alot of friction between us. Particularly in August this year when she started texting him to question his relationship with me. She presumed we had never met up and he corrected her and said we've been meeting a while now. She continued to question other women she had seen liking his photos on Facebook and he even deleted one she said she used to work with. It was at the time looking like he was worried about upsetting her.

We had a couple of rows and then in September I told him I felt my only option was to walk away. I said I couldn't seem to get to a good place regarding his connection with Amy and felt like I couldn't have a relationship based on how I felt they were still emotionally attached. We had a row then he asked me to go down the next night and talk.

We sat at his and I said I needed to be allowed to ask questions and it not go into a defensive row. He was really patient and willing to talk.

He told me the following.

When they got together everyone thought they was a lovely couple. He said but it wasn't that simple. I worked away for the first 5 years and she worked away away from the last 3. We were never really home together. Yes we had some good times. But our relationship was eventually in the last 4 years getting more and more separate. We drank together every night and all our holidays were about drinking with her family. We were always drinking and i ended up struggling. She came into some money and booked 4 holidays in one year. All with her mates. I wanted us to go to a UK lake for a holiday and she wasn't interested. I stayed home on my own most of that year and I got lonely and depressed. Carried on drinking. She came back and had sex toys and was saying stuff with her friends about what happened whilst they were away stays there. They eventually started arguing over phones. Spying on eachorher. Fighting over who the other was talking too. They split up. For 8 months shared rhe house. He had a fling with a friend. His ex found out and that caused another set of problems. He in that time wanted to try work it out. She wasn't interested. He moved out. She helped him moved. They apparently started texting being horrible and arguing. He was lonely and missing her. Eventually they both said they just wanted to be mates. In May 2020 he tried to end his life. She saved him. A week later he went to stay with family. He was still saying St that point to his cousin he wanted her back etc. His cousin had big chats with him. Told him he needed to let it go now. He went for councilling. Went back to work. 3 months later we meet. We've been together ever since. We did take 6 months to get together properly. We actually was slow and started of as mates with feelings. He took 3 months out to get his head together then got in touch and said let's do this if you are ready I'm ready. So we got together.

But Amy never is far from this thoughts.

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 10/01/2022 07:51

You must be really zooming in on that jumper to see bobbling. Be careful you don’t accidentally like one of her pictures…
Seriously, this sounds all like boring hard work for early days in a relationship. You are both unhealthily obsessed with his exes.

icelollycraving · 10/01/2022 07:54

Fuck me, I could not be dealing with this. Amy is his one that got away. Except she doesn’t want him unsurprisingly, so why do you?

Malibuismysecrethome · 10/01/2022 07:55

Forgottenwhyimhere I agree he’s an in the closet gay man. We had a close relative in a relationship like this. He wanted her to wear red and black, chose her underwear also liked her to wear thick dark red lipstick where previously she hadnt worn makeup.

He was extremely controlling and cut off her friendships and relationships.

KiloWhat · 10/01/2022 07:58

We had a couple of rows and then in September I told him I felt my only option was to walk away you should have.

KiloWhat · 10/01/2022 08:02

Maybe he's just not over Amy. I don't know.
Yes you do. Stop kidding yourself. He's not over her and you're getting dragged into this weird obsession. Look at your behaviour regarding her. That is not a normal level of interest in someones ex.

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