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Is it normal for a man

166 replies

Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 07:10

To talk about the little details when it comes to fashion and style? I understand we all have different tastes and like certain things. But why would a man be focused on brands, colours and hair styles and seem to be thinking of exes styles.

My boyfriend was with "carol" for 4 years. She was a nurse and she had blonde hair and was very naturally pretty. They separated because she was having an affair at work. He's told me she had expensive taste and liked dresses from a place called coast. He said she often did her hair and he learned to highlight it. He doesn't mention Carol. Perhaps once every few months just because it ties in. I feel quote conformable with this.

His last girlfriend "amy". She was mid 30s and didn't want children. She had a career and had money to enjoy. They shared 2 full time wages. Amy got her hair highlighted. She liked wearing a variety of clothes and getting her nails done. She often has her hair different lengths and colours and sometimes its straight or curly and sometimes she has it up in a variety of ways. They had a 9 year relationship that stopped in 2019

I wouldn't know any of this but my boyfriend has made me feel confused. He often will say to me. You are naturally pretty. You look so lovely today. I love your coat. That jumpers so nice. But he does this too.

I think you'd suit your hair up more. Because your face is so pretty it shows it off more with your hair up.

I think you'd suit bold colours like red and black (his last girlfriend is often wearing red or black)

Do you ever curl your hair with those wand things? (His ex has her hair like this on half her pictures)

Ill buy you a pair of ugg or timberland walking boots. They are so comfy and you'll love them. (Seen his ex selling a pair of ugg ones that were too small)

He asked me once if I liked coast dresses. I said I'd never heard of it. He told me that's where Carol liked to shop. I've since seen on his old photos of his ex Amy that she was wearing a dress from that shop (yes I googled it)

So now I'm thinking what is it that he wants? I use makeup. I have thick hair that I straighten but it often goes wavy. I can't afford highlights and nails. But I do paint mine. he's often said he finds me attractive because I'm natural and likes that I don't have false stuff. But sometimes when he's asking me if I do xyz or I need some expensive comfy boots and I know his ex had them. I am worried that he's not thinking of my comfort but he's more thinking I don't have a style he likes.

I asked him yesterday why he asked me about my hair. I said do you not like my hair and he said my hair is lovely. I then said I take It your ex used to do q mixture of things and that's why you asked. He said no other girls complain that they want their hair straight or curly depending on what they have. I just wondered if you always like yours straight.

We've been having these conversations for months now and he plays abit dumb.

The confusing thing is he doesn't seem to like his last exes ways. He's called her materialistic more than once and said about her obsession with showing off what she had all the time.

What is going on here? I've never known a man to focus so much on little details

OP posts:
grey12 · 09/01/2022 08:08

Coast has lovely dresses but tbh I associate it with going to a party, not everyday wear 🤷🏻‍♀️

Btw DH does notice these things. He's more into "taking care of oneself" than I am. I'm very practical (and maybe a tad tight with money)

SquirrelFan · 09/01/2022 08:08

Yeah, creep territory. Seriously, most women I know have no idea about their partners' old girlfriends taste in clothing because they are the focus of the relationship, not old flames. Do you really want to spend your time trying to fit a mold?

YukoandHiro · 09/01/2022 08:09

He sounds controlling. Nothing worse than being constantly criticised and compared.

KiloWhat · 09/01/2022 08:11

@Chocandtea

He's made sure I know stuff about his exes. This is what I'm saying. He's very focused on shopping and thinks about what his exes had and suggests those things to me. He told me she fake tanned and it looked stupid sometimes.

The hair questions drive me crazy. I have thick naturally wavy hair. If it rains I get curls. I straighten it and have it with long layers. I don't curl it because it takes forever. It goes frizzy. It feels thick and full of volume if it's curled.

I even have the sane size feet and height as Amy. I know this because he's told me.

Leave him he's hung up on Amy. Why is he going on about her so much..
grey12 · 09/01/2022 08:12

What i meant to say was that he does encourage me to take better care of myself sometimes. It depends on the "encouragement" I suppose. For example he was very supportive when I decided to stop colouring my hair. But he was right that I needed new shoes Grin or a new haircut. I get too comfortable with things, or too busy with the kids

user1471538283 · 09/01/2022 08:14

He sounds a bit creepy. My bf likes me wearing colours rather than black and he may mention a dress I might like. But this bloke is trying to build his own girlfriend.

Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 08:15

@Justilou1
No what's that??

@Hassled
I wondered the same. When he says things like other women like this or do this I often think you mean Amy.

Amy is the only woman you've shopped and lived with since 2010. So what other woman is he saying curls their hair. He sort of said it like every other female apart from me curls their hair. When he asked if I had any curling thingys I wanted to say you might aswel say "Amy used to curl or wave her hair and do different things to it, I thought that was nice that she did that"

This is the thing. I have always shopped in next and river island, asda, matalan, h&m, select. My style is jeggings and tops and jumpers. I wear natural makeup everyday. I have 4 different coats. I don't feel I lack in a style. But I do feel he wants to tweak me. Even with Toiletries. He uses bodyshop and soap and glory and lush. I twigged on pretty quickly that Amy must have been a fan and he ended up using her stuff. But most women like those things. She didn't discover it first.

I think my main concern is. Is he not over Amy? Or is this a pure his taste thing? He doesn't have much nice to say about Amy's personality. She was apparently high maintenance. A show off. Always spending. Always on her phone. He didn't trust her because she was meeting men online before him and having fun in cars.

I'm so confused right now to what's in his mind.

OP posts:
Paperdolly · 09/01/2022 08:17

What job does he do? Sounds like he should be working as a personal shopper so he can live out his fantasy of ‘sorting’ people’s looks out. Is he elegantly groomed himself?

Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 08:17

If he wants a certain type of woman and its not me why is he wasting his time? What sort of woman does he want?

OP posts:
Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 08:18

@Paperdolly

Construction lol! I know I've never known a man to think of the details he does.

OP posts:
KiloWhat · 09/01/2022 08:18

Seriously don't sweat it. How long have you been seeing him? And how much of that time has been spent him going on about Amy?

I have no idea what my husband's ex dresses like, her shoe size, only a vague idea what she even looks like because he has kids and I've seen seen photo once or twice.

KiloWhat · 09/01/2022 08:18

@Chocandtea

If he wants a certain type of woman and its not me why is he wasting his time? What sort of woman does he want?
Why do you care? You don't need a man like this in your life.
Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 08:20

@Paperdolly

He has branded jeans and likes superdry. 5 pairs of trainers. Has stubble and moisturises and baths daily. He's certainly not feminine looking or pampered. Still masculine to look at. He is very tidy and organised with his clothes. Claims he's not materialistic and his ex was a nightmare with gadgets.

OP posts:
Paperdolly · 09/01/2022 08:21

[quote Chocandtea]@Paperdolly

Construction lol! I know I've never known a man to think of the details he does.[/quote]
Do you think he could become controlling? Does he get ‘mardy’ if you reject his suggestion?

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 08:21

@Chocandtea

If he wants a certain type of woman and its not me why is he wasting his time? What sort of woman does he want?
Because the certain type he wants doesn't want him so he thinks he can groom you...
mugglenutmeg · 09/01/2022 08:22

Perhaps one (or a couple) of his exes was obsessed with her style and banged on about her grooming and where she shopped etc. maybe she took great joy in him getting involved in her style and he believes this is what girlfriends enjoy from their men?

I'd sit him down and firmly explain, you have your style and what you can and can't afford, that you aren't obsessed with looks or shopping but you are confident in yourself and won't be changing.

I'd tell him you find it unsettling that he constantly talks about his exes style and shopping habits, and you don't like to feel compared. If he wants a woman who is focused on looks and clothing and grooming then it isn't you.

The only man I've ever known who was so interested in woman's fashion and who could tell the difference between Ted Baker and Reiss (and obsessed with his own style too) ended up coming out the closet and leaving his wife for another (rather well groomed!) man.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 08:23

He didn't trust her because she was meeting men online before him and having fun in cars.

He judged her based on who she was before they got together and didn't trust her for it. He's a controlling arse.

Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 08:24

@KiloWhat

We've been involved since November 2020. So just over a year. Amy comes up negatively mostly. He complains alot about her. Even down to things she's done to the house since he moved out. He split from her 3 years ago. They still check I and say hi every now and then. She doesn't like me being with him and has expressed that she doesn't trust me.

OP posts:
Paperdolly · 09/01/2022 08:24

mugglenutmeg. I was thinking he sounds trapped too.

mugglenutmeg · 09/01/2022 08:25

The only sign someone is 'over' an ex is complete indifference to them.

lisaandalan · 09/01/2022 08:26

Tell him you can't afford those things but if he wants to help you get some he's more than welcome. ( that might shut him up). X

KiloWhat · 09/01/2022 08:27

@mugglenutmeg

The only sign someone is 'over' an ex is complete indifference to them.
I agree. from your latest update he is not over Amy. And why do you even know she doesn't trust you OP? Please don't settle for this.
Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 08:31

He doesn't know that I know his ex was into these things so he thinks he's just throwing kind compliments and suggestions my way. He says he wants to boost my confidence. He doesn't use his common sense that she's allover his Facebook still.

I do try give him the benefit of the doubt and that he's just thinking all women probably like this and that. Like I say his ex wound him up and he has expressed he put her on a pedestal and spoilt her. He does seem to hold alot of negative emotion around her.

I agree coast dresses are for occasions. I do wonder if he got Carol them and took that idea over to his relationship with Amy.

I think my issue is the thought of him thinking I don't know how to style myself and him thinking Amy did.

Do you think it's because I'm younger than him by 13 years?

OP posts:
KiloWhat · 09/01/2022 08:33

Do you think it's because I'm younger than him by 13 years? no I think its because over a year in and he's still obsessed with his ex.

Does he have any redeeming qualities?

PearlD · 09/01/2022 08:33

This sounds unhealthy, you know too much weied detail about his exes, not sure why he's talking about them so much other than he's trying to undermine you. It doesn't sound like it makes you feel good, if you've explained once that this is the case then I'd move on and let him find someone else's self esteem to mess with.