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Is it normal for a man

166 replies

Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 07:10

To talk about the little details when it comes to fashion and style? I understand we all have different tastes and like certain things. But why would a man be focused on brands, colours and hair styles and seem to be thinking of exes styles.

My boyfriend was with "carol" for 4 years. She was a nurse and she had blonde hair and was very naturally pretty. They separated because she was having an affair at work. He's told me she had expensive taste and liked dresses from a place called coast. He said she often did her hair and he learned to highlight it. He doesn't mention Carol. Perhaps once every few months just because it ties in. I feel quote conformable with this.

His last girlfriend "amy". She was mid 30s and didn't want children. She had a career and had money to enjoy. They shared 2 full time wages. Amy got her hair highlighted. She liked wearing a variety of clothes and getting her nails done. She often has her hair different lengths and colours and sometimes its straight or curly and sometimes she has it up in a variety of ways. They had a 9 year relationship that stopped in 2019

I wouldn't know any of this but my boyfriend has made me feel confused. He often will say to me. You are naturally pretty. You look so lovely today. I love your coat. That jumpers so nice. But he does this too.

I think you'd suit your hair up more. Because your face is so pretty it shows it off more with your hair up.

I think you'd suit bold colours like red and black (his last girlfriend is often wearing red or black)

Do you ever curl your hair with those wand things? (His ex has her hair like this on half her pictures)

Ill buy you a pair of ugg or timberland walking boots. They are so comfy and you'll love them. (Seen his ex selling a pair of ugg ones that were too small)

He asked me once if I liked coast dresses. I said I'd never heard of it. He told me that's where Carol liked to shop. I've since seen on his old photos of his ex Amy that she was wearing a dress from that shop (yes I googled it)

So now I'm thinking what is it that he wants? I use makeup. I have thick hair that I straighten but it often goes wavy. I can't afford highlights and nails. But I do paint mine. he's often said he finds me attractive because I'm natural and likes that I don't have false stuff. But sometimes when he's asking me if I do xyz or I need some expensive comfy boots and I know his ex had them. I am worried that he's not thinking of my comfort but he's more thinking I don't have a style he likes.

I asked him yesterday why he asked me about my hair. I said do you not like my hair and he said my hair is lovely. I then said I take It your ex used to do q mixture of things and that's why you asked. He said no other girls complain that they want their hair straight or curly depending on what they have. I just wondered if you always like yours straight.

We've been having these conversations for months now and he plays abit dumb.

The confusing thing is he doesn't seem to like his last exes ways. He's called her materialistic more than once and said about her obsession with showing off what she had all the time.

What is going on here? I've never known a man to focus so much on little details

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 10/01/2022 08:14

Honestly I don't know whether he is controlling, just an angry man or a closet gay....

Strangely reading your opening post did remind me of a friend who has had a baby with a guy who is in fact gay. He now insists to her he is "bisexual"
I suspected he was gay from first meeting him (as inconsciously! did she) but she then concluded he was "interested in fashion " as she was desperate to meet someone...anyone!
It's all totally messed up and I feelsorry for the baby... I digress...

You really shouldn't stay in this relationship whatever is going on is weird as fuck and unhealthy.

Also at 33 your window for children is getting smaller - you need a healthy relationship with a good man... that isn't this weirdo.

Aphrodite31 · 10/01/2022 08:28

I'd be happy if someone wanted to buy me some ugg boots.

I think he just wants to be involved in your care. In the same way I might say to my DP this coat would look nice on you, or don't let those bxxtards at the barbers shave your hair down to nothing and pluck off your eyebrows ...

BlondeDogLady · 10/01/2022 10:07

He's not over his last relationship. Which is probably quite normal, given that they only split in 2019. It takes time to grieve a relationship tat has lasted for 9 years. It does not mean you want to get back with them.

I think most couples will tell a new partner a little bit about their past relationships, no secrets and all that. But, the going on about the clothes is really odd.

The next time he does it, why don't you just say "Can you stop banging on about your exes. I don't keep going an about mine". And do it every single time!

ForgottenWhyImHere · 10/01/2022 10:09

Sorry you had a relative in a relationship like this, Malibuismysecrethome

OP, he may not be gay or bisexual or bicurious, but he really doesn't sound very nice.

I'm in a new relationship now (with a man who is definitely straight!) and he compliments me on me, not on my clothes. It's such a contrast. I can see now that my ex was obsessed with my outward appearance/presentation, which I imagine was about keeping up the facade that we had a 'normal' marriage. My new DP says I look great in anything, but will comment if he particularly likes an outfit. He is supportive and wants me to feel good about myself.

In a way, it doesn't matter what the reason behind it is, your partner is not supportive. He sounds very critical and controlling and nobody needs that in a partner. I know you probably feel quite invested, but a year is not that long in the grand scheme of things. I don't think you should waste any more of your life wondering why he wants you to look a certain way. You deserve someone who loves you whatever clothes or hairstyle you have.

cooldarkroom · 10/01/2022 10:15

This guy is a controller, Its not supposed to be this hard.
Run for the hills

thenewduchessoflapland · 10/01/2022 10:17

He's 47,has had at least 2 long term relationships and hasn't gotten married or started a family.He's set in his ways,has old fashioned ideas about what woman should look like eg dressed in a dress,hair curled,nails done,clearly isn't over his ex and is the cat that got the cream by pulling a much younger woman.

I can see what he gets out of this but what about you?

ChargingBuck · 10/01/2022 10:17

She has caused a lot of friction between us.

No she hasn't.
He has ALLOWED her to cause a lot of friction.
He is revelling in it. He is using Amy to triangulate you - just as he used Carol to triangulate Amy.

Particularly in August this year when she started texting him to question his relationship with me. She presumed we had never met up and he corrected her and said we've been meeting a while now. She continued to question other women she had seen liking his photos on Facebook and he even deleted one she said she used to work with. It was at the time looking like he was worried about upsetting her.

Did she genuinely start texting him about you?
Or is it more likely that he started needling her about you, dying for a response - any response - from her?

Did you even see those texts?
Because if you haven't - you only have his word for it.
And if you have - that's pretty odd behaviour isn't it? Unnecessary, manipulative, melodramatic, hurtful ...

Any decent partner wouldn't be texting his ex about his current.
They certainly would not be engineering communications to create drama like this.

He's a wrong'un OP.
You wanted to leave him last year, but succumbed to his request to go round & 'talk' ie get Hoovered back in to this unsatisfactory relationship -
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

Next time you decide to end the relationship - & you should make that soon, for your own wellbeing - stop imagining it's a negotiation that he has any input to or control over. Tell him it's over, then go NC. No texts. No talks.

Unless you want to become the next 'Amy' to his new squeeze ...

Chocandtea · 10/01/2022 10:49

I've got kids already and I don't want anymore as far as I can see. I'm happy.

I know I need to do some serious thinking. I know it reads like I'm silly and putting up with it. Its so subtle and done so little and gradually. It's so easy to feel confused and think. Am I paranoid? Is he always thinking and comparing. Does he look at me and think she is alot better for me. Or does he look at me and think I miss parts of amy. I wonder if he truly feels we can have a relationship as strong as there's was. Even though it seems they were been untrusting. Maybe she was high maintenance. Maybe she messed him up. Maybe she emotionally pulled him apart and maybe he's confused because she was too busy for him but helped him when he struggled. Maybe she knows how to get in his head. Maybe he controlled her. Then I go back to what proof do you have. Why are the conversations not enough. He has reassured me so many times that she is not what he wants. I've seen the messages. I know she has been questioning him in the last few months. I think she still doesn't want him to move on and I think possibly he feels abit the same regarding her. He is likely still processing what happened with them because he was mentally unwell at the time. So he hasn't had that time that someone would have no drinking and depressed.

I see that it's a mess though really and I should be thinking about myself

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/01/2022 11:00

You're literally spending more time thinking about your partner's motivations and his ex's motivations than your own!

What's your motivation for continuing a relationship with someone who makes you feel insecure and anxious? It doesn't matter why or how he makes you feel that way (spoiler alert: it's because he's a manipulative prick at a cruelly thoughtless prick at best, constantly bringing up exes especially their looks), what matters is why you are allowing yourself to be treated this way.

You have a life outside of him, including kids, and you're using up an unbelievably disproportionate amount of time thinking about him and his ex girlfriend.

If you're doing that, the relationship is so unhealthy you'd be doing yourself a disservice to continue it.

He's told you what his exes look like, how they dressed, how they did their hair, he's told you and SHOWN you messages from an ex. This is all stuff you don't need to know. Showing you messages from her is him acting like a wanker in plain sight "well I showed them to you, I've nothing to hide" because he isn't hiding the fact he's in a dialogue with someone who apparently fucks with his head and sometimes wants him back... so he's either not ready to move on or is keeping his options open.

There is literally no way of making your relationship with him make sense. Because it doesn't make sense! You're in a relationship with his ego and ghosts from his past / tools of manipulation designed to confuse the fuck out of you and make you feel insecure and anxious. Mission accomplished there.

If I was your friend I would be giving you a shake and asking you what the fuck you're thinking continuing to even speak to this bloke!

And this is all a year in! A year in! It should be fun, you should feel secure and wanted, you shouldn't know that Carol liked coast and Amy liked getting her nails done!

I'm giving you a big virtual shake.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/01/2022 11:01

That was meant to say:

spoiler alert: it's because he's a manipulative prick at worst and a cruelly thoughtless prick at best, constantly bringing up exes especially their looks

Theroadtoselfdiscovery · 10/01/2022 11:15

I know of someone who was with a guy like your bf. He came out eventually.

Chikapu · 10/01/2022 12:57

Tbh your relationship with him sounds exhausting, the start of a relationship is meant to be fun and silly, filled with excitement and anticipation. Yours sounds like it was fraught with arguments and insecurity, he wasn't in a good place and shouldn't have started anything with you. He's dragging you down and you need to walk away before your life is filled with nothing but talk of Amy and her fucking wardrobe.

Onthedunes · 10/01/2022 17:53

He doesn't know what he wants.

Actually strike that he wants everyone to love him.

You can't trust this kind of man, all problems are always someone elses fault.

He's very immature in every way possible.
He's got you feeling sorry for him, mothering him and basically doing handstands to give him his own way.

Get rid of him, you will get nothing from this man.

ChargingBuck · 10/01/2022 18:01

There is literally no way of making your relationship with him make sense. Because it doesn't make sense! You're in a relationship with his ego and ghosts from his past / tools of manipulation designed to confuse the fuck out of you and make you feel insecure and anxious. Mission accomplished there.

Please read & reread this until it sinks in OP.

Don't hang on to this man hoping things will improve - they won't. This is who he is. He was like it with Carol, with Amy, now with you, & when you dump him he'll do it to the next woman he can persuade to take him on.

Totalwasteofpaper · 10/01/2022 18:23

@Chocandtea

I've got kids already and I don't want anymore as far as I can see. I'm happy.

I know I need to do some serious thinking. I know it reads like I'm silly and putting up with it. Its so subtle and done so little and gradually. It's so easy to feel confused and think. Am I paranoid? Is he always thinking and comparing. Does he look at me and think she is alot better for me. Or does he look at me and think I miss parts of amy. I wonder if he truly feels we can have a relationship as strong as there's was. Even though it seems they were been untrusting. Maybe she was high maintenance. Maybe she messed him up. Maybe she emotionally pulled him apart and maybe he's confused because she was too busy for him but helped him when he struggled. Maybe she knows how to get in his head. Maybe he controlled her. Then I go back to what proof do you have. Why are the conversations not enough. He has reassured me so many times that she is not what he wants. I've seen the messages. I know she has been questioning him in the last few months. I think she still doesn't want him to move on and I think possibly he feels abit the same regarding her. He is likely still processing what happened with them because he was mentally unwell at the time. So he hasn't had that time that someone would have no drinking and depressed.

I see that it's a mess though really and I should be thinking about myself

Okay so you already have kids...

I stand by what I said

Honestly I don't know whether he is controlling, just an angry man or a closet gay....
You really shouldn't stay in this relationship whatever is going on is weird as fuck and unhealthy.

sweetbellyhigh · 11/01/2022 11:08

@Chocandtea

I've got kids already and I don't want anymore as far as I can see. I'm happy.

I know I need to do some serious thinking. I know it reads like I'm silly and putting up with it. Its so subtle and done so little and gradually. It's so easy to feel confused and think. Am I paranoid? Is he always thinking and comparing. Does he look at me and think she is alot better for me. Or does he look at me and think I miss parts of amy. I wonder if he truly feels we can have a relationship as strong as there's was. Even though it seems they were been untrusting. Maybe she was high maintenance. Maybe she messed him up. Maybe she emotionally pulled him apart and maybe he's confused because she was too busy for him but helped him when he struggled. Maybe she knows how to get in his head. Maybe he controlled her. Then I go back to what proof do you have. Why are the conversations not enough. He has reassured me so many times that she is not what he wants. I've seen the messages. I know she has been questioning him in the last few months. I think she still doesn't want him to move on and I think possibly he feels abit the same regarding her. He is likely still processing what happened with them because he was mentally unwell at the time. So he hasn't had that time that someone would have no drinking and depressed.

I see that it's a mess though really and I should be thinking about myself

It's because he is unhappy with who he is. So he projects, he thinks if he keeps adjusting you that he'll feel better. He won't, and you'll feel worse. Hell, you already do.

This is everything to do with his insecurities and nothing to do with you except you are the scapegoat here.

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