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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it normal for a man

166 replies

Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 07:10

To talk about the little details when it comes to fashion and style? I understand we all have different tastes and like certain things. But why would a man be focused on brands, colours and hair styles and seem to be thinking of exes styles.

My boyfriend was with "carol" for 4 years. She was a nurse and she had blonde hair and was very naturally pretty. They separated because she was having an affair at work. He's told me she had expensive taste and liked dresses from a place called coast. He said she often did her hair and he learned to highlight it. He doesn't mention Carol. Perhaps once every few months just because it ties in. I feel quote conformable with this.

His last girlfriend "amy". She was mid 30s and didn't want children. She had a career and had money to enjoy. They shared 2 full time wages. Amy got her hair highlighted. She liked wearing a variety of clothes and getting her nails done. She often has her hair different lengths and colours and sometimes its straight or curly and sometimes she has it up in a variety of ways. They had a 9 year relationship that stopped in 2019

I wouldn't know any of this but my boyfriend has made me feel confused. He often will say to me. You are naturally pretty. You look so lovely today. I love your coat. That jumpers so nice. But he does this too.

I think you'd suit your hair up more. Because your face is so pretty it shows it off more with your hair up.

I think you'd suit bold colours like red and black (his last girlfriend is often wearing red or black)

Do you ever curl your hair with those wand things? (His ex has her hair like this on half her pictures)

Ill buy you a pair of ugg or timberland walking boots. They are so comfy and you'll love them. (Seen his ex selling a pair of ugg ones that were too small)

He asked me once if I liked coast dresses. I said I'd never heard of it. He told me that's where Carol liked to shop. I've since seen on his old photos of his ex Amy that she was wearing a dress from that shop (yes I googled it)

So now I'm thinking what is it that he wants? I use makeup. I have thick hair that I straighten but it often goes wavy. I can't afford highlights and nails. But I do paint mine. he's often said he finds me attractive because I'm natural and likes that I don't have false stuff. But sometimes when he's asking me if I do xyz or I need some expensive comfy boots and I know his ex had them. I am worried that he's not thinking of my comfort but he's more thinking I don't have a style he likes.

I asked him yesterday why he asked me about my hair. I said do you not like my hair and he said my hair is lovely. I then said I take It your ex used to do q mixture of things and that's why you asked. He said no other girls complain that they want their hair straight or curly depending on what they have. I just wondered if you always like yours straight.

We've been having these conversations for months now and he plays abit dumb.

The confusing thing is he doesn't seem to like his last exes ways. He's called her materialistic more than once and said about her obsession with showing off what she had all the time.

What is going on here? I've never known a man to focus so much on little details

OP posts:
furbabymama87 · 09/01/2022 09:13

He's trying to mould you. He should not be suggesting you change your hair or telling you what to wear. That's controlling. I could not ever put up with a man like this.

Summerfun54321 · 09/01/2022 09:15

I know plenty of men who are into fashion and styling and it’s incredibly rude to say to someone “have you thought about wearing this” or “you would look good in something else”. It’s much more typical to just compliment what they like, exactly in the same way women do. To make all these suggestions and talk about his ex’s is a massive red flag. It’s nothing to do with being interested in fashion and is just straight up controlling. Can you imagine if he was making these “suggestions” about your cooking or housework too?

2022HowDoYouDo · 09/01/2022 09:18

This sounds very unhealthy. There are 3 of you in this relationship and potentially a 4th if he still talks about and you online stalk a woman he dated 11+ years ago!

You need to draw a line. Tell him you'd rather not talk about his ex, you're not interested and it's boring. Stop looking at pictures of her/them on social media. Stop thinking about them. You are you, a unique individual with your own style, taste, personality. Shut this down now, it's really not good for you.

KimDeals · 09/01/2022 09:25

I think it’s you that is obsessed and focussing in the little details. It’s hardly rare to be in Ugg boots is it?

I honestly think you are the issue here, not him.

FlamingoQueen · 09/01/2022 09:26

I can imagine you both sitting down to watch tv one night - you in your red jumper and him sat highlighting your hair! I’m sorry, but it is giving me the heebee jeebies!

Beachgirl33 · 09/01/2022 09:31

Can’t you just say I don’t want to hear another fucking word about your exes. It’s dull. I’m 33. I have my own style and if I want to wear my hair straight, not wear a red jumper then I will. Stop with the ex chat. And do yourself a favour and stop pouring over his exes stuff on social media. You’ll feel better for it x

ElectraBlue · 09/01/2022 09:34

The point is OP he is making you feel uncomfortable and a bit insecure with these comments and behaviour. That's a red flag

It is fine for a man to comment on your appearance by giving your a compliment and saying you look nice.

But what he is doing seems to either be an attempt to change you and control the way you look and dress based on his taste only of what the 'ideal woman' should look like. Or it is an attempt to make you look like his other girlfriends. It could be that he has done this to all of them to make them look like one specific previous partner that he never got over.

Anyway whatever the reason, it is odd and most of all it is bothering you so you need to address it, Not something I would want to live with personally.

Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 09:34

@Beachgirl33
Good idea. I need to say things quicker next time and nip it in the bud.

OP posts:
Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 09:36

@KimDeals

It's not just uggs though is it. Its colours. Shops. Brands. Styles. Hair colours and styles. All that his ex is wearing.

OP posts:
Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 09:36

@FlamingoQueen

Don't lol. I won't be agreeing to that or the red jumper. Bright red jumpers are Christmas to me.

OP posts:
Chikapu · 09/01/2022 09:46

I think you need to ask yourself why you're willing to put up with this, you seem more concerned that he might think you're not stylish than the fact that he's clearly obsessed with his ex and now by association so are you.
He's 47 and he's not going to change. Do you really want to waste time being compared to someone else or constantly having outfits/hairstyles etc suggested to you?

KiloWhat · 09/01/2022 09:49

[quote Chocandtea]@Beachgirl33
Good idea. I need to say things quicker next time and nip it in the bud.[/quote]
So he bangs on and on about his ex and what you can do better etc and you just sit there and take it? You're worth so more than that.

Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 09:49

@Chikapu

I guess this is what I'm trying to figure out if it's me getting it wrong or if he is doing the above.

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 09/01/2022 09:54

In the 90s it was the thing to get your skin tone assessed to see whether you were spring, summer, autumn or winter. You had swatches of colours, suitable for your skin tone, that you carried with you whenever you shopped for clothes. I had a friend who had this done. Her husband was very controlling and a massive fan of the Next directory. He used to choose all her clothes and shoes based on her 'colours'. He chose her hair style and how it was coloured. That was weird and controlling enough. Then he started an affair with an employees wife. She was similar in body shape and height to his wife but a different skin tone. She changed her hair to the the same style as his wife, but warmer colour tones. She started buying everything from Next. Exactly the same clothes but in the autumn colour spectrum , whilst his wife was more 'spring'. It was the weirdest thing. Two clones ...the same but different shades. Eventually the marriage collapsed when he got the 16 year old babysitter pregnant and set up home with her. He dressed her the same too. Maybe your boyfriend has a look he likes. Maybe he isn't the one for you

Phrowzunn · 09/01/2022 09:55

This is really weird OP - I’ve been with my DH for 15 years and he has never once made any sort of suggestion about my hair or clothes. He will tell me how lovely I look or will pick a favourite outfit from a limited choice if pushed but he wouldn’t know the names of any womens’ clothes shops or even what a curling wand is. It is really, really weird for him to be taking such a massive interest in what clothes you are buying, where from or what you’re doing with your hair. I can’t imagine this would get better over time. Bin him off and go find a normal guy who doesn’t give a stuff.

Franklyfrost · 09/01/2022 09:57

You want to forget Amy and look for the his childhood photos where his mum has lovely curly hair and a red jumper Grin

AngelinaFibres · 09/01/2022 10:00

@Franklyfrost

You want to forget Amy and look for the his childhood photos where his mum has lovely curly hair and a red jumper Grin
Oh god that's it. Also....47. I thought he was 20 something and being a bit of an arse. At 47 he isn't going to change. He is a bit creepy.
Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 09/01/2022 10:00

He isn't caring and protective. He has you doubting yourself.
He - and now you - spend far too much time discussing his exes and their wardrobes!! Must be exhausting..
Ltb..

KiloWhat · 09/01/2022 10:01

[quote Chocandtea]@Chikapu

I guess this is what I'm trying to figure out if it's me getting it wrong or if he is doing the above.[/quote]
He is doing the above

Frenchfurze · 09/01/2022 10:03

@RobertSmithsLipstick

You both seem to spend all of your time talking about jumpers.
You left out the other, even more scintillating times when they talk about hair-straightening.

OP, this relationship sounds both deeply boring and slightly sinister, like a riff on Hitchock’s Vertigo. Don’t go up any bell towers with Mr Obsessed.

dopple · 09/01/2022 10:06

Some men enjoy trying to control what their gf wears, if he doesn't like what you already wear or how you have your hair tell tell him to do one!

sweetbellyhigh · 09/01/2022 10:11

I think it's fine for a man to be observant and have an eye for style/design and no it doesn't make them gay as a pp suggested 🙄

However. Where it goes wrong is his projecting his need for a certain look into you. You are not an object, a plaything or an extension of him. He doesn't get to tell you how to dress or do your hair. In fact doing so is a classic indicator of a controlling personality. And it doesn't improve, it gets worse. Next he'll be wanting to know where you are all the time and trying to manage who you spend your time with.

OhamIreally · 09/01/2022 10:12

I think Coast has shut down now anyway.

sweetbellyhigh · 09/01/2022 10:12

It also does not matter whether a behaviour is "normal" or not, what matters is whether or not you are comfortable with it.

PonyPatter44 · 09/01/2022 10:17

@Franklyfrost

You want to forget Amy and look for the his childhood photos where his mum has lovely curly hair and a red jumper Grin
I was just coming here to say this. I would suspect it goes much deeper than either Amy or Carol.

You are allowed to tell him to shut up about Amy, though.