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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it normal for a man

166 replies

Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 07:10

To talk about the little details when it comes to fashion and style? I understand we all have different tastes and like certain things. But why would a man be focused on brands, colours and hair styles and seem to be thinking of exes styles.

My boyfriend was with "carol" for 4 years. She was a nurse and she had blonde hair and was very naturally pretty. They separated because she was having an affair at work. He's told me she had expensive taste and liked dresses from a place called coast. He said she often did her hair and he learned to highlight it. He doesn't mention Carol. Perhaps once every few months just because it ties in. I feel quote conformable with this.

His last girlfriend "amy". She was mid 30s and didn't want children. She had a career and had money to enjoy. They shared 2 full time wages. Amy got her hair highlighted. She liked wearing a variety of clothes and getting her nails done. She often has her hair different lengths and colours and sometimes its straight or curly and sometimes she has it up in a variety of ways. They had a 9 year relationship that stopped in 2019

I wouldn't know any of this but my boyfriend has made me feel confused. He often will say to me. You are naturally pretty. You look so lovely today. I love your coat. That jumpers so nice. But he does this too.

I think you'd suit your hair up more. Because your face is so pretty it shows it off more with your hair up.

I think you'd suit bold colours like red and black (his last girlfriend is often wearing red or black)

Do you ever curl your hair with those wand things? (His ex has her hair like this on half her pictures)

Ill buy you a pair of ugg or timberland walking boots. They are so comfy and you'll love them. (Seen his ex selling a pair of ugg ones that were too small)

He asked me once if I liked coast dresses. I said I'd never heard of it. He told me that's where Carol liked to shop. I've since seen on his old photos of his ex Amy that she was wearing a dress from that shop (yes I googled it)

So now I'm thinking what is it that he wants? I use makeup. I have thick hair that I straighten but it often goes wavy. I can't afford highlights and nails. But I do paint mine. he's often said he finds me attractive because I'm natural and likes that I don't have false stuff. But sometimes when he's asking me if I do xyz or I need some expensive comfy boots and I know his ex had them. I am worried that he's not thinking of my comfort but he's more thinking I don't have a style he likes.

I asked him yesterday why he asked me about my hair. I said do you not like my hair and he said my hair is lovely. I then said I take It your ex used to do q mixture of things and that's why you asked. He said no other girls complain that they want their hair straight or curly depending on what they have. I just wondered if you always like yours straight.

We've been having these conversations for months now and he plays abit dumb.

The confusing thing is he doesn't seem to like his last exes ways. He's called her materialistic more than once and said about her obsession with showing off what she had all the time.

What is going on here? I've never known a man to focus so much on little details

OP posts:
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 09/01/2022 08:34

Sounds vv weird. TBH that would be a red flag for me, sorry.

I swear my dh wouldn’t notice if I went out topless with my nipples painted green.

Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 08:34

@KiloWhat

I saw the text she was spying on my Facebook and text him to say why do you talk to her.
If he wasn't over her why wouldn't he be putting his efforts in with her? Surely me in a red jumper with curls isn't going to make him feel comfort?

OP posts:
grey12 · 09/01/2022 08:38

[quote Chocandtea]@KiloWhat

We've been involved since November 2020. So just over a year. Amy comes up negatively mostly. He complains alot about her. Even down to things she's done to the house since he moved out. He split from her 3 years ago. They still check I and say hi every now and then. She doesn't like me being with him and has expressed that she doesn't trust me.[/quote]
You seem to hear an awful lot about Amy...... I would shut him up next time! Say you don't want to hear about her or any of the others. And if he wants to get back with them good luck for him!!!

KiloWhat · 09/01/2022 08:38

[quote Chocandtea]@KiloWhat

I saw the text she was spying on my Facebook and text him to say why do you talk to her.
If he wasn't over her why wouldn't he be putting his efforts in with her? Surely me in a red jumper with curls isn't going to make him feel comfort?[/quote]
If he was over her why would he be going on about her so much and still be in such regular contact?

Balanced12 · 09/01/2022 08:41

OP how old are you both?

Also being unkind about his ex is a red flag, they were together a long time, he obviously wasn't that unhappy with her.

He sounds controlling and like he is trying to change you into his ideal. You sound immature wondering about what he wants or what you can do. You be you, if he's doesn't like that he's not for you.

You are not an accessory

Chikapu · 09/01/2022 08:42

Do you consider this a good relationship OP, do you feel he appreciates you for you or are you someone he thinks he can mould?
Most people don't bring up their exes if they've really moved on, certainly not down to the detail of how they wore their hair. He sounds creepy tbh.

Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 08:44

@KiloWhat

We get on well. He cooks for me. Makes me laugh. We talk about everything and seem close. He's thoughtful. Caring. Protective. He does compliment me and says personality wise he's never been able to open up with his ex like he can me. He said she judged him alot.

He has shown signs hes still bitter. But never that he wants her back. I've spoken to him about this and he's agreed he still is processing certain things about his past (he did see a Councillor when they split) he has told me bits but I don't know too much about that. We've had strained conversations regarding her. But he's very adamant she's just a friend now (one he never sees but will text) but he's able to say why they failed and he's very openly told me that he wouldn't go back there. He did say at one point he would even get us both at his to prove to me she's just a friend. This was when we were both arguing alot about her after she said she didn't trust me. She's never met me. He eventually shouted I don't know what else I can do to show you I don't want her, I hate her for what she did to me but I like her because we were together a long time.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 08:44

Do you think it's because I'm younger than him by 13 years?'
He's chosen someone 13 years younger for this exact reason OP. He thinks he can mould you into what he wants and that you'll be flattered.

RowanAlong · 09/01/2022 08:46

You shop in very different places from the exes by the sounds of things...he’s telling you he likes a more expensive look and trying to be subtle - but he’s clearly rubbish at it! I’d be worried too OP about him trying to change you

Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 08:51

@Chikapu

I feel like he likes my personality. He's attracted to me. But he has some shallow obsessions with details. He notices clothes and style alot. Not sure why this is. What makes a person think like this? Maybe I would suit a red jumper in a certain shade. But it's abit of a coincidence it wasn't a bold blue jumper he suggested. So far nothing has remotely been different from Amy's style. I'm not saying he likes her style. He's never said any had great taste in style. She's nothing special on her photos. I dont think her style is eye catching at all. Its boring on a majority of pics. I think Carol is more styled.

I guess I'll never know what he's thinking.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 08:52

How long have you been with him?

silverley · 09/01/2022 08:55

Whatever his endgame is, he's messing with your head. One minute telling you how awful Amy was and how much better you are, the next minute, oh but you should just change this thing about yourself to how Amy did it. It's meant to undermine your confidence in yourself and to have you constantly feeling not good enough and that you need to compete with the image of Amy he has in his head.

Bananalanacake · 09/01/2022 08:55

Don't let him move in with you, he would tell you what to wear every day.

Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 08:56

@RowanAlong

I think he paid for alot of their treats. His works changed so he's never treated me yet. He's bought me 2 bottles of perfume and some nice pyjamas I wanted. His ex also shops in High Street stores like asda. My clothes are next, lipsy, river island, matalan etc. The whole thing is odd if it is that. There's plenty of women out there who he could meet with expensive taste if that's what he wants. Regardless of the labels His ex doesn't look eye catching. She is dressed casual in 90% of her pictures.

OP posts:
Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 08:57

@Balanced12
I'm 33 he's 47.

OP posts:
ldontWanna · 09/01/2022 08:58

I think this relationship is very unhealthy for you. Obsessing and watching his exes, you are confused and doubt yourself all of the time, comparing yourself to other women, doubting your relationship etc. It's not good for you. It's irrelevant why he does this and whether he has good intentions or not. The way it makes you feel,act and think it's not good. So you either tell him to stop or better yet end it.

Covidtrap · 09/01/2022 08:58

It would annoy me he keeps comparing you to other women whether they are exs or not. And constantly making suggestions as to how you can change your appearance suggesting brands etc. Ultimatium time, stop with these silly comments and take me as i am. You know your self worth and its not about the clothes that you wear. This for me would all be too much. You both seem to talk about his exs a lot and you reference back to them too. He wouldnt like it if you suggested he dressed like your ex and constantly commented on how something looked good on them. Id give that a try.

OakRowan · 09/01/2022 08:58

If this is real you need to stop thinking about this, completely, its not healthy. Don't look them up online. Comparison is the thief of joy. Tell him to stop talking about his ex's too, its all wierd, both of you, this focus on the previous relationships and how they dress and style themselves. Don't you have anything else to think about or discuss?

KiloWhat · 09/01/2022 09:00

We get on well. He cooks for me. Makes me laugh. We talk about everything and seem close. He's thoughtful. Caring. Protective. He does compliment me and says personality wise he's never been able to open up with his ex like he can me. He said she judged him alot.

Even when I've asked what his redeeming features are you've referred to his ex. Stop comparing yourself. It is not on for him to keep comparing you.

Other men can make you laugh. You can cook for yourself.

Please don't waste your life with this man

RobertSmithsLipstick · 09/01/2022 09:02

You both seem to spend all of your time talking about jumpers.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 09/01/2022 09:03

Pull him up on it, the next time he mentions your hair, ask him if he’s thought about a career in hairdressing as he mentions your hair so much?
I don’t think he’ll change, he definitely has a very detailed type. My DH can be like this, he often talks about the women on TV’s appearance and previously said why can’t I wear this or this, things like s chunky belt or a big bag. Now I ignore it or start doing the same back to him. I think some people do just notice the little details and I get that it is a bit weird.
I think there’s definitely some negging going on which isn’t going to make you feel good.

FatFucker · 09/01/2022 09:05

@girlmom21

Do you think it's because I'm younger than him by 13 years?' He's chosen someone 13 years younger for this exact reason OP. He thinks he can mould you into what he wants and that you'll be flattered.

This! This! This!!! THIS!!!! THIS!!!!

🏃‍♂️

Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 09:06

@RobertSmithsLipstick
Haha It does look that way in this post doesn't it. We don't though it just when I'm getting ready in rhe morning sometimes etc he will ask me why I don't do this or if I do that.

I have taken all comments on board. I definitely need to block his exes don't I. Stop looking at her. She's not relevant to us.

I am a little confused if this is just a man into style. He's always spoilt his girlfriends. I think he has issues regarding this. He seems to think that's what a girl wants and needs and deserves. I don't think I'm his usual type because I am not all money and treats obsessed. But I also don't think he was happy deep down with the last one. It's difficult to know if he's still learning

OP posts:
Palavah · 09/01/2022 09:07

You both sound obsessed with his exes.

Aren't you bored of all of these comparisons with these women? It really shouldn't be this hard. It's not normal to discuss someone's ex so much.

You're 33, knock this one on the head and enjoy your life. You can do much better then this.

Clymene · 09/01/2022 09:10

He's trying to control you, to shape you into a woman who looks different.

I'd leave him and find a man who appreciates you for who you are