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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it normal for a man

166 replies

Chocandtea · 09/01/2022 07:10

To talk about the little details when it comes to fashion and style? I understand we all have different tastes and like certain things. But why would a man be focused on brands, colours and hair styles and seem to be thinking of exes styles.

My boyfriend was with "carol" for 4 years. She was a nurse and she had blonde hair and was very naturally pretty. They separated because she was having an affair at work. He's told me she had expensive taste and liked dresses from a place called coast. He said she often did her hair and he learned to highlight it. He doesn't mention Carol. Perhaps once every few months just because it ties in. I feel quote conformable with this.

His last girlfriend "amy". She was mid 30s and didn't want children. She had a career and had money to enjoy. They shared 2 full time wages. Amy got her hair highlighted. She liked wearing a variety of clothes and getting her nails done. She often has her hair different lengths and colours and sometimes its straight or curly and sometimes she has it up in a variety of ways. They had a 9 year relationship that stopped in 2019

I wouldn't know any of this but my boyfriend has made me feel confused. He often will say to me. You are naturally pretty. You look so lovely today. I love your coat. That jumpers so nice. But he does this too.

I think you'd suit your hair up more. Because your face is so pretty it shows it off more with your hair up.

I think you'd suit bold colours like red and black (his last girlfriend is often wearing red or black)

Do you ever curl your hair with those wand things? (His ex has her hair like this on half her pictures)

Ill buy you a pair of ugg or timberland walking boots. They are so comfy and you'll love them. (Seen his ex selling a pair of ugg ones that were too small)

He asked me once if I liked coast dresses. I said I'd never heard of it. He told me that's where Carol liked to shop. I've since seen on his old photos of his ex Amy that she was wearing a dress from that shop (yes I googled it)

So now I'm thinking what is it that he wants? I use makeup. I have thick hair that I straighten but it often goes wavy. I can't afford highlights and nails. But I do paint mine. he's often said he finds me attractive because I'm natural and likes that I don't have false stuff. But sometimes when he's asking me if I do xyz or I need some expensive comfy boots and I know his ex had them. I am worried that he's not thinking of my comfort but he's more thinking I don't have a style he likes.

I asked him yesterday why he asked me about my hair. I said do you not like my hair and he said my hair is lovely. I then said I take It your ex used to do q mixture of things and that's why you asked. He said no other girls complain that they want their hair straight or curly depending on what they have. I just wondered if you always like yours straight.

We've been having these conversations for months now and he plays abit dumb.

The confusing thing is he doesn't seem to like his last exes ways. He's called her materialistic more than once and said about her obsession with showing off what she had all the time.

What is going on here? I've never known a man to focus so much on little details

OP posts:
JudyGemstone · 09/01/2022 10:18

Maybe he was the one who made Amy wear red jumpers and curl her hair or whatever?

He does sound like a bit of a weirdo, it would definitely put me off a guy if he went on like this.

JudyGemstone · 09/01/2022 10:18

Oh and black is not a ‘bold colour’ Confused

Sneezesthrice · 09/01/2022 10:27

He’s still obsessed with losing the first woman. He fell over himself trying to be her perfect man learning to do her gait and all that and yet she still went off and wanted someone else, he tried to mould the next one into her image and it didn’t work as she can dress like first woman till the cows come home but personality wise she didn’t have the sparkle and addictive quality original woman had. Now he’s trying it again with you he’s not trying to make you into any, he’s trying to model you into the first woman, like he did with Amy.

He has got self esteem issues and unresolved issues with Mrs Perfect (GF number one) leaving even when he thought he was being the perfect partner.

That’s my unqualified but of tin pot psychology for you.

HaveringWavering · 09/01/2022 10:28

To put this in perspective OP- I don't even know the first names of any of my husband's exes and he must have had a few as he was in his thirties when we met.

Sneezesthrice · 09/01/2022 10:28

Learning to do her hair I meant sorry!

topcat2014 · 09/01/2022 10:38

I have no idea where DW gets her clothes from. I try to notice if she has her hair cut. She does bite her nails.

apart from that, no idea.

So, yes, wierd.

KiloWhat · 09/01/2022 10:39

@OhamIreally

I think Coast has shut down now anyway.
I think it might be online only? But I loved that shop.
Covidcabana · 09/01/2022 11:10

I think he sounds very controlling. It's only been a year and you are still young. If I was you I'd call it a day. You deserve so much more than this.

You say he is protective - can you give an example? Sometimes we can interpret control as protection and it can feel flattering at first.

For what it's worth at the first hint of this (even sometimes pre-emptively) I have a quick chat with partners where I basically say I love it when they generally compliment my appearance but that detailed feedback on what I wear, my hair, make up etc. is not wanted or required (even if they think this is positive - for example I love they way you look in dresses/heels etc.). That generally cuts out any nonsense and if it doesn't it's a huge red flag to me that the person is potentially controlling or at best just not for me.

RantyAunty · 09/01/2022 11:30

It's all very weird.

Him going on about his exs enough to have you looking them up and him still having their pics on his sm.

He seems to think women are interchangeable.

Add to that his unasked for advice, is creepy and weird.

This guy is pushing 50. You can do much better than him.

Ddaydday · 09/01/2022 11:55

My recent x told me his LT gf looked like a well known celebrity..no pressure there. I’ll be honest and say it was a bit off putting if I saw said person on tv etc but I am insecure
So learnt to rationalise that. But when he started picking out clothes that he knew I wasn’t keen on I started getting a bit suss. One day I saw a photo of her..in a similar dress he’d shown me he’d like me to wear.
He wasn’t particularly praising her but I could see he missed part of it and felt like he was clinging on maybe. Not the reasons we split but I’m now wondering how we lasted so long.
Trust your gut, for whatever reason it isn’t comfortable for you.

Whatabambam · 09/01/2022 11:58

I actually think he's probably a tad queer. His own masculinity doesn't exclude him from having an interest in his feminine side. He is clumsily drawn to the art of choosing clothing and hairstyles out of his own interests.

Marineboy67 · 09/01/2022 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Masdintle · 09/01/2022 12:47

I'd be sick to the back teeth of Amy being such a big part of this relationship.

I have no idea what any of my DH's exes look like. No idea on hair colour, height, style, anything. I know some names but no detail. I think that's normal.

And by the way, the 'having your colours done' is not a 90s fad, it's a very effective tool for looking fabulous. If you're pale, black is likely to wash you out. As someone else mentions, it's not a bold colour, it's a total absence of colour.

KimDeals · 09/01/2022 12:47

[quote Chocandtea]@KimDeals

It's not just uggs though is it. Its colours. Shops. Brands. Styles. Hair colours and styles. All that his ex is wearing.[/quote]
The links to his exes are very tenuous. I think you are seeing links that are not really there.

Just my opinion. If you have a hunch or a feeling go with it.

GeidiPrimes · 09/01/2022 12:55

Sorry if this has already been pointed out and I've missed it. The 2 exes I have that were like this were both secretly transvestites.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 12:57

@KimDeals he's literally saying "have you tried X? It looked good when my ex did it."

They're not tenuous links.

Jabbawasarollingstone · 09/01/2022 13:04

In my first serious relationship my then bf would try and encourage me to wear clothes I didn't like. I was (still am) t-shirt and jeans/dress for a special occasion sort. He wanted me to wear blouses and smart skirts. We were poles apart, socially, and he wanted me to look like the girls he knew in his social circle. 20+ years on, I know he was trying to mould me into what he wanted me to look like not what I wanted to look like.

Fatarseflanagan09 · 09/01/2022 13:18

Are you sure he hasn't got Amy in his attic like Norman Bates with his mother?

MondayYogurt · 09/01/2022 14:21

If he likes red and black jumpers so much he can bloody wear them.

Skeumorph · 09/01/2022 15:36

I'm going to cut to the chase: do you want kids?

Because if so then stop wasting time with a possibly ex-obsessed weirdo who is 15 years your senior and you clearly don't think that much of.

I agree by the way. I don't think much of him either, he sounds either extremely odd, boring, or not over his ex(s). But this is about you. YOU ARE 33. You're going to regret wasting your time with this one, almost certainly, so let it be just a year wasted and not 5!!!

ChargingBuck · 09/01/2022 15:45

He sounds tedious & shallow OP.

As he would were the sexes reversed.
He seems to have no interest in his previous g/f's or you, beyond what you look like.

Do you want to be one of his mannikins, or find someone you can establish an intellectual connection with?

Chikapu · 09/01/2022 16:08

I'm going to cut to the chase: do you want kids?

OP has stated that she's a mum already.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 16:35

@Chikapu

I'm going to cut to the chase: do you want kids?

OP has stated that she's a mum already.

That doesn't mean she doesn't want more kids
sweetbellyhigh · 09/01/2022 16:44

@girlmom21

That makes no sense. You imply the OP has to make a decision based on fertility yet it is clear she does not, she already has kids

And nowhere has she mentioned wanting kids with this man. Only you have done that.

Just admit you got the thread wrong instead of going off on some ludicrous tangent 🙄

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 17:01

@sweetbellyhigh what are you talking about?

@Skeumorph asked if she wanted kids with him because if she does she should find a different boyfriend. @Chikapu responded and I responded to her.

Nobody except you has mentioned anything about fertility. I'm not sure how my 8 word response equates to me going off on a ridiculous tangent... are you ok?