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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Neighbour - should I report anything? Am I overreacting?

246 replies

Axolottie · 08/01/2022 06:02

Our neighbour lives alone and is in her eighties. Her husband died just over a year ago. I would say both of them have/had dementia.

We used to hear the arguing through the wall every day. Always the husband shouting at her, and her pleading for him to stop.
She spoke to me once about protecting herself from him.
He died suddenly. I’ve always kept an eye out for details if a funeral - but there hasn’t been one, and she said to me a couple of months ago that she was having a lot of problems with the coroner.

My initial thought (and perhaps irrational thought) when he suddenly died was that - perhaps she did something??
Should I say anything to anyone or just butt out?
Another concern I have is that she told my partner she has a gun. She showed it to him, and it’s only an air pistol. She said she was going to shoot foxes with it - the issue is that she thinks there are foxes under a small bush in our front garden (there aren’t!). I have 2 children and - again maybe irrational - but what if she decided to shoot at an imaginary fox when we are out the front??
Partner thinks I’m overreacting??

OP posts:
SalsaLove · 08/01/2022 06:12

Definitely overreacting. Seriously just don’t give her any more headspace. You’ve got your own family and life to deal with.

AlDanvers · 08/01/2022 06:16

I think you are definitely reacting to the 'maybe she killed him'.

What do you think happened, she killed him and then hid his body? Maybe there has been a funeral. It's likely that there's been a funeral and if she has dementia, she often can't remember or mis-remembers.

Not everyone's funeral, starts or Includes going to their home.

I would be concerned about the air pistol. My grandad had dementia and ended up sectioned under the mental health act because he became aggressive. He ended up in the street screaming at a neighbour for stealing his car. It wasnt his car. It was hers. Up until that point, we got no support or help despite asking for it.

So yes, I would be worried about that. But again, it may not even be true.

rrhuth · 08/01/2022 06:19

My initial thought (and perhaps irrational thought) when he suddenly died was that - perhaps she did something??
Should I say anything to anyone or just butt out?

You can't report something you have made up.

If there were questions around the death the appropriate authorities will investigate and if necessary will speak to neighbours.

I agree with your DH, why are you thinking about this? It seems irrational to me too.

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 08/01/2022 06:22

Butt out you sound slightly crazy.

WutheringHeights66 · 08/01/2022 06:25

You would be better placed to contact adult social services or any family to express your concern for her and let them check up.

Original poster
Axolottie · 08/01/2022 06:32

Thee has been no funeral, and the death hasn’t been registered. He died in December 2020 - and when she spoke to me in August 2021 she said she was having a lot of problems with the coroner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Axolottie · 08/01/2022 06:42

I did initially think I was overreacting - but it’s a culmination of odd behaviour -and showing my partner the gun before Xmas just maybe tipped me over the edge…
She keeps it in a box - and presented it to my partner as if it was a ‘real’ gun. He told me afterwards that it was only an air pistol. She told him she had a rifle as well but has got rid of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Axolottie · 08/01/2022 06:47

My thoughts were - to send an email to the coroners office, very low key. They can then decide I’m bonkers and ignore it??

OP posts:
rrhuth · 08/01/2022 06:49

How do you know the death hasn't been registered? How do you know the death is not being realty with appropriately already by the relevant authorities?

If you are concerned your neighbour is vulnerable and unable to care for herself then report to social services, but you can't report someone for 'they used to have a rifle'.

doublemonkey · 08/01/2022 06:50

Do you think he's still in the house?

rrhuth · 08/01/2022 06:51

@Axolottie

My thoughts were - to send an email to the coroners office, very low key. They can then decide I’m bonkers and ignore it??
What do you want to say to the coroner?
Original poster
Axolottie · 08/01/2022 06:54

@rrhuth because you can look it up online, and I looked it up yesterday. The death hadn’t been registered.

The neighbour said to me in August that she was having problems with the coroner. The coroner lists all inquests, and I can see there has been no inquest yet. So this is now well over a year after his death.
Coroners are involved when the circumstances surrounding a death are not straightforward, and an inquest is needed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Axolottie · 08/01/2022 06:56

I think the death is registered when the coroners inquest has been completed.

OP posts:
MistakenHoliday · 08/01/2022 06:56

Does she have other family that visits?

AlDanvers · 08/01/2022 06:58

@Axolottie

My thoughts were - to send an email to the coroners office, very low key. They can then decide I’m bonkers and ignore it??
You think she killed her husband and so want to email the coroner?

You genuinely believe she murdered him and don't want to go to the police?

Sounds like you are just nosey and want some extra Info. I take it you keep checking online for his registration?

What even possesses you to do that? My mum died recently and I would lose my shit if one of mum and dad's neighbours decided dad must have done something to her and so was low level stalking him to prove it.

HoppingPavlova · 08/01/2022 06:58

I don’t understand. Are you saying he is dead and possibly still in the house? In which case I’d think a welfare check from police would be better than bothering the Coroner.

Or, are you saying he is dead, Coroner is investigating? In which case, just let them do their job without meddling.

AlDanvers · 08/01/2022 06:58

@Axolottie

I think the death is registered when the coroners inquest has been completed.
Its not online straight away.
Original poster
Axolottie · 08/01/2022 06:59

I’d say that - as a neighbour- I had concerns about their mental health before and after his death - and here are my contact details if anyone wants to speak to me??

OP posts:
rrhuth · 08/01/2022 07:00

If you genuinely think a death has not been reported, the appropriate action is to report to the police.

There are possible explanations such as he may have a different legal name. But you seem convinced something is wrong, and no one here can advise really.

Showpan · 08/01/2022 07:00

I don't think you should be getting involved.

Original poster
Axolottie · 08/01/2022 07:00

No - he’s not in the house! I saw him being taken out in a private ambulance.

OP posts:
AlDanvers · 08/01/2022 07:02

@Axolottie

No - he’s not in the house! I saw him being taken out in a private ambulance.
So therefore, the authorities have handled it. So why do you thunk you know something else that the whole world doesn't, based on you presuming the death hasn't been registered?

How often are death registrations published online?

Needrichangemynameagain · 08/01/2022 07:04

I don’t understand either.

rrhuth · 08/01/2022 07:05

This is all a bit en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Lady_of_Letters

pencilsdance · 08/01/2022 07:08

Hi,

I work with dementia patients in a rural community. We do ask if people have guns and a licence for them and inform the police via 101 if they do or ask them to hand them in with a family member.
I doubt she's gonna shoot your kids but if she is dementing it's best to tk let the police risk assess it.

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