Neighbour - should I report anything? Am I overreacting?

[Axolottie]

Our neighbour lives alone and is in her eighties. Her husband died just over a year ago. I would say both of them have/had dementia.

We used to hear the arguing through the wall every day. Always the husband shouting at her, and her pleading for him to stop.
She spoke to me once about protecting herself from him.
He died suddenly. I’ve always kept an eye out for details if a funeral - but there hasn’t been one, and she said to me a couple of months ago that she was having a lot of problems with the coroner.

My initial thought (and perhaps irrational thought) when he suddenly died was that - perhaps she did something??
Should I say anything to anyone or just butt out?
Another concern I have is that she told my partner she has a gun. She showed it to him, and it’s only an air pistol. She said she was going to shoot foxes with it - the issue is that she thinks there are foxes under a small bush in our front garden (there aren’t!). I have 2 children and - again maybe irrational - but what if she decided to shoot at an imaginary fox when we are out the front??
Partner thinks I’m overreacting??

His death is in the hands of the authorities no need to get involved if she shot him it would be very obvious but it is hard to die from an air pistol

Shame you didn’t get help for her when he was alive
Report to social services and get pistol removed as it is a danger to your kids

My gran's death had to have a coroner's inquest, this was before Covid and took over nine months. It was because she'd been in hospital discharged as fit and well six days before she died. There then had to be a big investigation and they discovered a lot of failings.
I deal with the coroner's office a lot for work the delays currently are crazy. We have a case where the person died in early 2020 (no one else involved just not clear if suicide) that's still not finalised. Where there is no known cause eg heart attack and no clear underlying illness it's not uncommon to have an inquest. You're really reaching to assume she's killed him. If that's where the concern came from, given police attended when he died they would be investigating. If she was suspected of killing him in the home of course they would've spoken to neighbours as part of door to door enquiries.
If you genuinely have reason to believe she killed him you'd report it to police, not the coroner.
With regards to her not being of capacity and being a risk to herself or others, that's an assessment for adult social care, their number will be readily found on Google.

The issue is the air pistol. In Scotland you’re required to have a license - and, someone suffering dementia would have it revoked.

That is something worth mentioning to the authorities - not the 2 tons of cement and 20 square metres of patio paving stones.

My mum died just before the world went covid mad. She had stage 4 cancer, ckd stage 5 and type 1 diabetes. The inquest took forever.

You obviously feel uneasy, phone Social services and whilst you are on the phone mention the fact she showed your Husband a air rifle. For all those saying you are over reacting just remember that they would be screaming blue bloody murder if their neighbour shot one of their children. Better to be safe than sorry.

[quote Axolottie]@HoppingPavlova

So by that reasoning I should also have ignored the potential domestic violence I heard through the walls and dismissed it as just another of my ‘crackpot theories’.[/quote]
But you did ignore it. You didn't do anything to possibly help your neighbour at the time you thought there was domestic taking place.

Aw this makes me very sad. Maybe you should have done your reporting when you heard that poor lady being verbally abused by her husband OP.

please do what you think best op
mumsnet is rubbish in these situations.
you need to have faith in your decisions and not be swayed by strangers

Maybe she didn’t want to publicly publicise the funeral. At my parent’s old remote rural village, the deceased’s homes are often targeted at the hour of a funeral (family of thieves with local knowledge). When my father died we told friends and neighbours but didn’t put a notice about the funeral time/date in the local paper.

If you are so bothered you could contact the Coroner and go to the inquest.

You need to stop asking others what they think you should do and just do what you think is best.

You listened to people about the domestic violence. You wanted to report it but were told to keep your nose out. Now you wish you reported it.

Why does what a group of strangers say trump what you think and feel? It doesn't and it shouldn't. Do what you believe is the right thing

@Potatodrivers

You need to stop asking others what they think you should do and just do what you think is best.

You listened to people about the domestic violence. You wanted to report it but were told to keep your nose out. Now you wish you reported it.

Why does what a group of strangers say trump what you think and feel? It doesn't and it shouldn't. Do what you believe is the right thing

She wants to report her neighbour for killing her husband when there is not the slightest bit of evidence to support her theory. OP definitely needs a head wobble from a group of strangers.

@lisaandalan

I would not say anything she's old bless her and if she has shot him at least she's not being bullied anymore, let her die in peace. They might find them both there together once she dies. X

This is almost as barmy as the OP's posts.

I thought you meant that you hadn’t actually seen any evidence he’d died and was possibly still in the home but you have seen his body leave

Why do you not trust that they wouldn’t have spotted a gun shot wound ?

I’d just leave it there is nothing really to tell

If there was any indication of foul play involved in his death the police would be involved. I don't understand why you're searching for the death registration- what are you hoping to find? If you are genuinely concerned about your neighbour's mental health and well-being then contact social services.

@StrongTea

Could he be in hospital and she thinks he is dead because she is confused?

I think he would have been taken away in an emergency services ambulance ambulance if he was alive but needing treatment. "Private ambulances" are used by funeral directors to take bodies away.

If there has to be an inquest, ie when a post-mortem is inconclusive, they can take ages. A year or more isn't uncommon. However, the coroner will often issue an interim death certificate to enable the funeral to take place. (This happened to my late DP's father, who killed himself. The inquest was nearly a year after he died, but the funeral was only about a month later.)

I'd be pretty uncomfortable if I had a neighbour with dementia who also had an air pistol. Both my parents had dementia, and I wouldn't have wanted them to have had one in the house, they were given to all sorts of weird suspicions and paranoia.

A call to adult social care might be appropriate. Just tell them you're concerned about your neighbour, who has dementia and lives alone.

I’d just give adult social services a ring and say you’re concerned your elderly neighbour is struggling with dementia and needs some support. As far as you’re aware, her husband has died and she has no-one else to help her. You’re also concerned that she’s in possession of an air rifle.

Social services will then go round and do an assessment. Obviously if they arrive to find her deceased husband’s toes poking out from behind the sofa then they can get Police involved, etc.

If you have concerns about your neighbours welfare give social services a ring
If you have concerns about the air rifle then ring the police

Why not just ask the neighbour who you were so supportive of previously (supposedly) - how are you . Actively know someone is experiencing domestic violence - do nothing. Create lurid fantastical stories out of thin air - anonymous reports planned left right and centre about a bereaved old lady.

While I agree it sounds absolutely batshit, we really don't know anything and whatever is going on is causing OP distress. So if she speaks to someone chances are it will help her, and gets some support for a neighbour who has dementia.

She doesn't appear to want to inform the police, so it seems like she wants a more supportive approach for this woman than anything.

But, OP, you do need to understand that if anything dodgy did happen with his death it would have have flagged up and appropriate action would/will be taking place. You just may not be aware of it.

Please answer this question OP. Why do you think that no body who was involved in taking away and looking after his body spotted an injury?

If only the system were that reliable.

Some years ago, the daughter of someone I worked with was found dead one morning. Her parents pushed for an investigation because she had a violent boyfriend, and they were told categorically that a forensic expert had examined the body and found no signs of violence. They pushed for a full post mortem whereupon it was found their daughter had been shot in the head. How the hell the police, the doctor initially called in and the so-called expert had missed that was a total mystery - the parents suspected everyone simply concluded it was something like a drugs overdose and didn't bother to look any further.

[quote Axolottie]@rrhuth because you can look it up online, and I looked it up yesterday. The death hadn’t been registered.

The neighbour said to me in August that she was having problems with the coroner. The coroner lists all inquests, and I can see there has been no inquest yet. So this is now well over a year after his death.
Coroners are involved when the circumstances surrounding a death are not straightforward, and an inquest is needed.[/quote]
If he’s supposed to have died that long ago, it does seem odd that the death is not yet registered, even allowing for covid-related delays. I’m not sure I’d bother reporting it, though, even if I thought she might have finished him off. Speaking from far too much experience, dementia can can be trying enough to drive almost anyone to murder.

FWIW we were delayed in registering my DM’s death, even though she was 97, had advanced dementia and died in an excellent care home, because it had to go to the coroner, since it was a locum GP who’d attended her within the previous 48 hours (or whatever the rule was) and not her own GP.

If she has dementia the narrative she is believes and telling you may not be the reality,she may be confused

Yes.

A sudden death will involve an autopsy. The people who carry those out know what they were doing. A violent death would be spotted instantly and didn't need your speculation. The gun she has it's not lethal except under fairly freakish circumstances. And the pathologist would notice any injury straight away.

If this lady is struggling living alone with dementia, I would call social care and mention the gun.

Sounds like you have watched too many murder documentaries and dramas 🤣

I’m sure if she did kill him there would have been an investigation and neighbours would have been questioned. There’s probably something else going on or the funeral has happened but was not put in the local paper. Maybe there was a quiet funeral which took place in a different location? Really it’s none of your business so I would keep my nose out of it.

My son died in April 2020 but his death was not registered until Jul 21 after the coroners inquiry into his death.
Any person who dies at home without being seen by a doctor within the last 7 days, or any sudden death has to have a coroners inquiry. This can take ages as they have to wait for information from all services that have been involved with the person. Plus there is a huge backlog due to Covid and trying to find places to hold the inquiry.

And no I did not kill my son.

I would imagine after all this to e a coroner would have decided if the death was natural or not. Besides depending on where you lived we had a pandemic on planet earth and there were no funerals anyway in the conventional sense. Is it possible given you suspect dementia that she might not remember him being buried and might be imagining there being problems with the coroner?

@BashStreetKid

Please answer this question OP. Why do you think that no body who was involved in taking away and looking after his body spotted an injury?

If only the system were that reliable.

Some years ago, the daughter of someone I worked with was found dead one morning. Her parents pushed for an investigation because she had a violent boyfriend, and they were told categorically that a forensic expert had examined the body and found no signs of violence. They pushed for a full post mortem whereupon it was found their daughter had been shot in the head. How the hell the police, the doctor initially called in and the so-called expert had missed that was a total mystery - the parents suspected everyone simply concluded it was something like a drugs overdose and didn't bother to look any further.

was there a prosecution in the end?