Neighbour - should I report anything? Am I overreacting?

[Axolottie]

Our neighbour lives alone and is in her eighties. Her husband died just over a year ago. I would say both of them have/had dementia.

We used to hear the arguing through the wall every day. Always the husband shouting at her, and her pleading for him to stop.
She spoke to me once about protecting herself from him.
He died suddenly. I’ve always kept an eye out for details if a funeral - but there hasn’t been one, and she said to me a couple of months ago that she was having a lot of problems with the coroner.

My initial thought (and perhaps irrational thought) when he suddenly died was that - perhaps she did something??
Should I say anything to anyone or just butt out?
Another concern I have is that she told my partner she has a gun. She showed it to him, and it’s only an air pistol. She said she was going to shoot foxes with it - the issue is that she thinks there are foxes under a small bush in our front garden (there aren’t!). I have 2 children and - again maybe irrational - but what if she decided to shoot at an imaginary fox when we are out the front??
Partner thinks I’m overreacting??

There are a whole culmination of things that just don’t feel ‘right’ to me. It felt strange at the time as it was sudden (I’d spoken to him a couple of days before and was shocked that he’d died). Then when she told me about problems with the coroner 6 months after his death. And then showing my partner the air pistol before Xmas. Plus all the intense arguing before his death. Even before his death I was concerned, and wanted to report the arguing to someone,

@pencilsdance thank you! It’s only an air pistol?? Do you need a license for an air pistol?

@rrhuth - argh, no I don’t want to be like that!!

I think the consensus here is I’m overreacting - but maybe report the gun.

@Axolottie

There are a whole culmination of things that just don’t feel ‘right’ to me. It felt strange at the time as it was sudden (I’d spoken to him a couple of days before and was shocked that he’d died). Then when she told me about problems with the coroner 6 months after his death. And then showing my partner the air pistol before Xmas. Plus all the intense arguing before his death. Even before his death I was concerned, and wanted to report the arguing to someone,

But you didn't report the arguing.

Mum was 66. At 10.30am I was speaking to her on the phone. She was a bit tired. Bit fine.

By 2.45pm I was in her living room being told that there paramedics were still working on her, but they had said it was unlikey they would get her back.

In 4.5 hours she went from a bit tired to dead. Talking to someone a couple of days before, then them dying means nothing. Other than you were shocked.

Is it really so unusual that a man of his eyes, just dies?

I am so glad you don't live next door to my dad.

People argue. Intensely. Its fairly common. Most of these people don't kill their spouse.

If the problem at the coroner was they suspected murder, the police would already be involved.

@AlDanvers yes - I don’t want to add to anyone’s distress. She’s clearly been through a very tough time.

Before he died, she phoned me once in tears saying she didn’t know what to do when he got angry with her, and was concerned about her safety. I remember telling her to come round to me - or to go into the toilet and lock the door. So it was quite an intense level of arguing - and it happened several times a day. I should have reported it then.

[quote Axolottie]@AlDanvers yes - I don’t want to add to anyone’s distress. She’s clearly been through a very tough time.

Before he died, she phoned me once in tears saying she didn’t know what to do when he got angry with her, and was concerned about her safety. I remember telling her to come round to me - or to go into the toilet and lock the door. So it was quite an intense level of arguing - and it happened several times a day. I should have reported it then.[/quote]
But again, that doesn't even hint that she killed him.

Fwiw, mum isn't having an inquest. Despite being a sudden death. She had several blood clots on her lungs. Cause of death very clear. No inquest needed.

She died, 10 days later we had the PM results dad went up to register her death.

Death registrations aren't put online immediately. ONS dp it once a year from what I can tell so last did it July 16th.

She may have not gone to register the death or not understand what to do. The sad case of the child who was killed by his father and step mother, still wasn't buried at the time of his trial.

There's endless possibilities. And you don't even want to report to the police. Just have a chat with the coroner?

If the gun concerns you. Report that. All this 'she probably murdered him' is just made up in your head.

@Axolottie

No - he’s not in the house! I saw him being taken out in a private ambulance.

Well in thar case you've nothing to report. It was all put in the hands of the correct people at the time.

Maybe you just can't find the death certificate - though looking it up is a bit odd - perhaps the name you know him as isn't his official name.

There's nothing whatsoever that warrants reporting

If she had killed him I would like to think there would have been an arrest by now.
That said I would also think the poor man had been buried by now.... and he clearly hasn't.
Could you befriend or help her? She sounds vulnerable. Is it legal to have the type of gun she has? If not, I would point that out to her.
I wouldn't approach the coroner. If they investigate they will likely come to you and ask questions.

Could he be in hospital and she thinks he is dead because she is confused?

@AlDanvers my fathers death was also sudden and involved a coroner. I can remember my mum having a feeling of needing to explain herself, and the circumstances surrounding - but it was resolved in about 2 weeks?

6 months after his death and ‘having problems with the coroner’ just sounds to me like something isn’t straightforward. In our area all coroner inquests are listed, and there is still nothing there - for the remainder of this year - and well into next year,

If it wasn’t in the public’s interest, coroners inquests wouldn't be listed? It would be kept private.

If she has dementia the narrative she is believes and telling you may not be the reality,she may be confused. Also just because you can't find the death registration/certificate doesn't mean it's not there. When I search for my brothers its not available to view. I would need to register with the GRO to request the information which in this case is obviously not your business to do. I think the best thing you can do in this situation is support this vulnerable lady with her loss.

Before he died, she phoned me once in tears saying she didn’t know what to do when he got angry with her, and was concerned about her safety. I remember telling her to come round to me - or to go into the toilet and lock the door. So it was quite an intense level of arguing - and it happened several times a day. I should have reported it then.
This woman, your neighbour, was telling you plainly that she was frightened but you did nothing. I'm so glad that my DD's neighbour did do something when she was also in a DV situation. The neighbour possibly saved her life. Nothing to do now, it should have been done when she disclosed to you

Where the police present when the private ambulance came to collect his body?
A neighbour dies suddenly and they attended -
If you are in the uk you can refer her to older peoples social services if she appears not to be coping.
Have you asked if she needs any help? Who does her shopping?
I doubt she killed him if that’s what your thinking.
The air gun would worry me slightly but you could alert services if you contact them.
Offer her a cup of tea - she is probably very lost and lonely.

I think it's a shame that as such a concerned neighbour - you didn't think to report any concerns a long time ago
? Both having dementia
? Domestic violence
? An audibly upset woman in her home

Social care , family , police could have maybe provided the appropriate care and ensured both of them were safe

It's also a bit insulting that you think a body removed by ambulance has not gone through due process of examination

Please report the gun in the home as part of a wider concern for her ability to be self sufficient and then mind your own business

You're ridiculous

@Axolottie

Thee has been no funeral, and the death hasn’t been registered. He died in December 2020 - and when she spoke to me in August 2021 she said she was having a lot of problems with the coroner.

' Trouble with the coroner'? What, like, people were being processed slowly. During a pandemic? Hm

The comment about the coroner does seem odd as you wonder what issue she could be having after so long. Perhaps her memory is failing her and he has been cremated or buried already but he has a different name to how you knew him.

Either way if there is an issue about his death then the authorities will deal with it.

So you think that she killed him, but the ME and Coroners office are both too stupid to pick up on that (as that is essentially their jobs), and they need you to point out that she has likely killed him? Again, I imagine if he was killed as opposed to a natural death the ME would have flagged this, or at least the possibility. Then there is a police investigation etc. Why do you think you need to insert yourself here?

@Sunrae28 my Mum is registered with various Ancestry type websites as she does a lot of family history research. She looked it up for me, as she also thinks it’s all a bit odd, She had UK death registrations for 2021, he died in 2020.

It does feel a bit nosy, but surely if info about death registrations/coroners inquests wasn’t in the public’s interest, the info wouldn’t be made available?
I saw the ambulance/police/private ambulance when he died so I know it happened.

You should have called the police to protect her when they had arguments, that should be on your conscience. Instead, you now want to try to bring more problems to her door by accusing her of murder based entirely on your own imagination.

If you think she needs assistance then contact adult social care. Apart from that, keep out of it now. Get a hobby or a volunteer job if you're so bored.

[quote Axolottie]@rrhuth - argh, no I don’t want to be like that!!

I think the consensus here is I’m overreacting - but maybe report the gun.[/quote]
I was being tongue in cheek a bit.

You can make a social services report if you are genuinely concerned about your neighbour's ability to care for themselves though.

@HoppingPavlova - if it’s taken over 6 months (12 months as still no inquest listed) - there must be something that is not straightforward about it all?

So you listened to your elderly neighbour being abused for years, to the point where she phoned you for help but you didn't ever call the police or adult social services?

And now you want to suggest to the authorities that she murdered her husband based on no evidence except that she has an air gun (pretty sure if he'd been killed with that someone would have noticed!)

You really don't like her do you?

I should have reported it then
Yes you should have. An abused vulnerable woman asked you for help and now you are accusing her of murder. It seems like you want her to have killed her husband to ease your guilt of ignoring the abuse after she asked for your help.

I think you need to talk through your feelings around your neighbours death, as so regularly checking for a death registration is not normal or healthy.

Have you actually done anything to help your neighbour after her husband died? Are you spending more time imagining her killing her husband than actually doing anything to be a support?

I do feel very bad about not reporting the domestic violence. I was going to at the time, but was told I was overreacting/don’t get involved.
Again here - I’m asking if I should report my concerns over someone’s death. Again I’m told I’m ridiculous and overreacting.