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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Neighbour - should I report anything? Am I overreacting?

246 replies

Axolottie · 08/01/2022 06:02

Our neighbour lives alone and is in her eighties. Her husband died just over a year ago. I would say both of them have/had dementia.

We used to hear the arguing through the wall every day. Always the husband shouting at her, and her pleading for him to stop.
She spoke to me once about protecting herself from him.
He died suddenly. I’ve always kept an eye out for details if a funeral - but there hasn’t been one, and she said to me a couple of months ago that she was having a lot of problems with the coroner.

My initial thought (and perhaps irrational thought) when he suddenly died was that - perhaps she did something??
Should I say anything to anyone or just butt out?
Another concern I have is that she told my partner she has a gun. She showed it to him, and it’s only an air pistol. She said she was going to shoot foxes with it - the issue is that she thinks there are foxes under a small bush in our front garden (there aren’t!). I have 2 children and - again maybe irrational - but what if she decided to shoot at an imaginary fox when we are out the front??
Partner thinks I’m overreacting??

OP posts:
TreasuredMim · 08/01/2022 08:04

OP, I haven't read the whole thread but have experience through work of such situations. I'd suggest you ring the woman's GP (probably the same as yours?) and say you have concerns for her welfare. No murder theories, just factual. Eg she has dementia and seems to have no family support; appears unkempt etc. The GP will know what the situation is with the husband. Mention the air pistol in a matter of fact sort of way to make them aware.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 08/01/2022 08:06

You say the death hasn't been registered - are you sure? I was looking for my dads death certificate recently and IIRC I needed his full name, DOB, date of death and area death was recorded in. It took a couple of tries because the area it was recorded in wasn't the area he died in. A neighbour searching might have struggled because they wouldn't have known his DOB and also the name he was universally known by wasn't the name on his birth cert/death certificate. From birth he had always been known as a diminutive of a middle name rather than his 'proper' first name. Family knew that but a neighbour wouldn't.

Original poster
Axolottie · 08/01/2022 08:08

Sorry - no. I was not happy at all about listening to domestic violence. That’s a disgusting thing to say. I spoke to her about it and told her to come round to me. I spoke to her quite regularly on the phone and always tried to offer support, I frequently asked others if I should report and was told not to get involved.

OP posts:
MimiDaisy11 · 08/01/2022 08:09

@AlDanvers

I don’t think the OP states anywhere that she wants to call the authorities to accuse her of murder. She’s just curious if the delay in investigating the death is suspicious.

She wants a chat with the coroner.

She isn't curious. Its actually non of her business. It's nosiness.

Sounds pike she has a real issue with this woman and just wants to cause more problems, because she has made a load of shit up.

I never said it was any of her business. You can be curious about things that you don’t have a right to know. So sure she’s nosy. It’s basically a synonym.
Flacky · 08/01/2022 08:09

Bit harsh. She’s a neighbour not an investigator. All that needs to be done is contact local authorities and they will be the ones to decide and look into it. Simple, doesn’t matter then if it’s nothing but makes a difference if it is. Lay off it.

Original poster
Axolottie · 08/01/2022 08:11

@TreasuredMim thank you for that! That’s a very sensible and helpful piece of advice. Some of the responses here have actually left me in tears, so I’m going to leave this thread now.

OP posts:
newyearBear · 08/01/2022 08:12

The gun would concern me.

Would it be possible her husband is in hospital or a care home ?

MamaGaia · 08/01/2022 08:12

OP, do you honestly think they just took his body away without seeing any injuries? Ask yourself that question.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/01/2022 08:16

You're so over-invested in this.

My thoughts were - to send an email to the coroners office, very low key

How do you send a 'low key' email?

In none of this have you shown any concern for the lady who lost her husband. You're making it a drama around you. Just stop.

hesbeen2021 · 08/01/2022 08:19

I do feel very bad about not reporting the domestic violence. I was going to at the time, but was told I was overreacting/don’t get involved.
Who told you that?
I'd very much doubt you would have received that advise on MN
If that advise came from family/ friends, shame on them
However you are an adult and could have made that call yourself
DV doesn't just occur within young couples, the elderly are even more vulnerable

lisaandalan · 08/01/2022 08:19

I would not say anything she's old bless her and if she has shot him at least she's not being bullied anymore, let her die in peace. They might find them both there together once she dies. X

butterpuffed · 08/01/2022 08:20

You saw him taken away in an ambulance. Perhaps after his illness he was taken to a home ? Your neighbour maybe just doesn't want to talk to you about it and is confused.

You can always find out who lives at an address by searching in Electoral Roll.

BashStreetKid · 08/01/2022 08:21

@ClaireEclair

Why would there be an inquest? My Dad died of natural causes and there wasn’t an inquest or autopsy. He was already ill for years before he died. Maybe this is the same for this lady. Maybe she chose not to go to the funeral. I think I would be more concerned for her well-being if she has dementia and access to guns rather than anything else. Poor lady.
Presumably OP thinks this is possible because the neighbour talks about a coroner being involved. And OP is wondering if she should contact the coroner not out of nosiness but because she wonders if the information she has about the couple arguing could be relevant to any inquiry.

There are some pretty horrible and unnecessary personal attacks on here, mostly due to people jumping on a bandwagon. I agree that there is little point in OP contacting the authorities about the argument, not least because her evidence won't take them much further and if there were cause for concern about the death the chances are the police would have contacted the neighbours already. However, her concerns about the air pistol are valid and, OP, if you're still reading this it could be worth a chat with the police on the non-emergency number, and also social services in view of the neighbour's dementia.

AlDanvers · 08/01/2022 08:21

I never said it was any of her business. You can be curious about things that you don’t have a right to know. So sure she’s nosy. It’s basically a synonym.

In which case she isn't just curious. She isn't just anything. She is considering trying to cause this woman further distress because she think she has a right to know all the details. Whilst complaining this thread is upsetting her Confused

It seems its mainly based that she can't grasp that you can speak to someone and 2 days later they can die, without it being murder.

DropYourSword · 08/01/2022 08:22

[quote Axolottie]@HoppingPavlova

So by that reasoning I should also have ignored the potential domestic violence I heard through the walls and dismissed it as just another of my ‘crackpot theories’.[/quote]
Except...you DID ignore that!

Honestly, you sound barmy!

Carjo21 · 08/01/2022 08:22

My brother died in early 2019 and we were told at the time there was a backlog with inquests. Then covid hit and the inquest has only just been held. We did get a temporary death certificate at the time to close accounts with etc, but have only just received the official one.
Perhaps you are in a similar area to me and the ‘trouble’ that she’s having with the coroner is just the delays?

lisaandalan · 08/01/2022 08:23

I didn't think there was an inquest into every death only if you are alone or if your death is suspicious.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 08/01/2022 08:25

@butterpuffed

You saw him taken away in an ambulance. Perhaps after his illness he was taken to a home ? Your neighbour maybe just doesn't want to talk to you about it and is confused.

You can always find out who lives at an address by searching in Electoral Roll.

A vehicle marked "private ambulance" is for dead bodies only.
RedFlagsAllOver · 08/01/2022 08:25

What do you mean private ambulance? A dark van that they take bodies in? There might not have been a funeral. I didn't have one for my dad we had a direct cremation. None of his siblings asked if there was a funeral, he passed away just before Christmas and my auntie suggested it as they did that for my dads brother. We will have a special ceremony for him in the future.

Flacky · 08/01/2022 08:30

@Flacky

Bit harsh. She’s a neighbour not an investigator. All that needs to be done is contact local authorities and they will be the ones to decide and look into it. Simple, doesn’t matter then if it’s nothing but makes a difference if it is. Lay off it.
@Axolottie this was me seeing your side, can’t believe some of the comments. You can contact local authority as anonymous just to give facts the they’ll take it from there so it’s off your hands.
MamaGaia · 08/01/2022 08:30

@MamaGaia

OP, do you honestly think they just took his body away without seeing any injuries? Ask yourself that question.
Please answer this question OP. Why do you think that no body who was involved in taking away and looking after his body spotted an injury?
RedFlagsAllOver · 08/01/2022 08:33

Op when someone has dementia they will sadly say all sorts of things. My dad had it before he passed. He ended up passing away because of a blood disorder so it thankfully in some ways didn't get to the point of him forgetting me and my brother, but he was hallucinating, he was in hospital but was saying things like he was stood at a bus stop, on at KFC, he kept calling out his sisters name, he would reach out and touch the bars on the hospital bed and thought it was his small heater at home and said oh it's not getting very warm. I don't think you can take what she says about a coronor very seriously. If your concerned about her welfare I'm sure there's someone you can call. My dad ended up in hospital " bed blocking " until they could find a nursing home but sadly that never happened and he passed away. But social workers get involved in cases like this. It's really not safe for someone with dementia to be alone

Doomscrolling · 08/01/2022 08:34

I think you need to stop reading Nancy Drew books and focus on your own life.

AlDanvers · 08/01/2022 08:35

@lisaandalan

I didn't think there was an inquest into every death only if you are alone or if your death is suspicious.
There isn't an inquest into every death.

As I said, mum died suddenly and at home, private ambulance came and took her body. Post mortem followed. Similar situation op describes to her neighbours. But no inquest required.

Op doesn't want to hear that. She seems convinced there HAS to be an inquest

HoppingPavlova · 08/01/2022 08:38

She could potentially have been protecting herself from him.

Okay, so he didn’t die naturally, but as a result of injuries sustained while she was protecting herself from him attacking her. May well be true, or not, who knows.

One would think, that if he died of injuries in the home, that when this is established (which would have been pretty much immediately via an ME), the very first thing the police would have done is to see all surrounding neighbours to ascertain if they heard anything unusual around the time of death the ME would have noted. That’s pretty elementary, but for some reason you think ???? it’s been missed/ someone just thought ‘fuck it, can’t be bothered with that basic tick box and I’ll bunk off home early today instead’, or ??. No matter how you view it, your line of reasoning doesn’t make sense. I can only think you are so darn curious that by inserting yourself, you think you’ll get some information which you are obvious hanging out for. Why is a mystery, unless you lack hobbies?