Utterly, utterly, heartbroken

[colouringindoors]

I know I'm not the first and won't be the last. It's nothing new.

But I honestly don't know how I can bear this

This morning my relationship ended. We'd only been "together" for six months, friends for 3 years, I've "liked" him for over 3 years. It has been wonderful. I could talk about anything and everything with him. He made me laugh, he's kind, we had lots in common and omg the chemistry was incredible. I really thought he was the person I'd spend the rest of my life with.

This came after separating from my husband of 20+ years 4 years ago and a huge amount of trauma due to ex's severe mental illness, ds severely ill, dd diagnosed ASD. The last 10 years have been horrendous apart from meeting new man, getting to know him and becoming involved with him.

I feel worse than I did when I separated from my husband. I've been unable to stop crying all day. I literally don't know what to do with myself.

How do I bear this?!

@colouringindoors seems like you are doing all the right things for your healing and slowly are making some progress.
I can't stop obsessing, I think about him from the minute I wake up until I go to sleep and then sometimes he ends up in my dreams as well! It's exhausting being in my head. I just feel so drained and miserable.
We had a bit of contact which definitely hasn't helped, but I'm weak.
Sorry, just helps to write it down here.

@milkandhoneyy

Oh I'm so sorry you're sufferingvso much. Does anything help distract you at all? NC is hard but it is essential to help you recover. ⚘️⚘️⚘️

@colouringindoors not really...No matter what I'm doing he always seems to come into my head. And I'm always waiting for a text. At work less so, but if I try to distract myself by being social or going for a walk etc, I just think of him the whole time and can't enjoy myself.

Wondering what has worked for other people?

Milk this is an annoying but very human thing

Regarding the texts , if it’s 100% over you can delete all messages , and block
This means there is no way he can contact you

Earlier in the thread op posted
Something abiut when people are obsessed
It’s a half hour daily ritual

Another thing is to get back out there
Date
Do you hair
Do your make up
See if other people strike your fancy
Be casual , flirt

It helps ! And then you get obesssrd with a new one 😂😂

I've read this thread a few times as I find it comforting but this week has been something else. I can't even talk about it. I'm broken. Just want to lay on the floor crying. When does the pain end?

I feel like I can't breathe. I didn't deserve this.

@Thisisworsethananticpated Thanks. Blocking just seems so final, can't seem to bring myself to do it yet which is pathetic I know! But I know you're right! Will check out the daily ritual.

Yes, replace one addiction with another. 😂I'm on a couple of apps so let's see...

@WaiveringKate sorry you are going through it. You are not alone

I'm working up to blocking too. It's tricky though because he's my line manager. But I can't carry on like this

He will have to communicate with me by email. God I hate my life so much

[quote milkandhoneyy]@Thisisworsethananticpated Thanks. Blocking just seems so final, can't seem to bring myself to do it yet which is pathetic I know! But I know you're right! Will check out the daily ritual.

Yes, replace one addiction with another. 😂I'm on a couple of apps so let's see...[/quote]

Nearly 11 weeks on and I haven't blocked him yet but haven't been in touch either.

@WaiveringKate

I've read this thread a few times as I find it comforting but this week has been something else. I can't even talk about it. I'm broken. Just want to lay on the floor crying. When does the pain end?

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. It comes and goes in waves. Some days you will feel relatively okay, some days are unbearable. Just get through a moment at a time if you have to. Keep going out even briefly. Have walks, yell and wail in the car, sleep. The days go so slowly but they will pass eventually and you will start to feel better.

@WhisperingJesse how do you manage to refrain?!

To start with, it was just too painful to contemplate being in touch. He's a genuine guy who was very kind about the breakup but just didn't feel the same way about me as I did about him. I didn't want to humiliate myself by begging and being rejected again.

Then I read the advice in this thread about how him missing you is the best way to get him back if there is any chance of that. So I held back because someone said it takes them at least 8 weeks to process what they've lost. But also because I could feel deep inside myself that I need to do what's right for me. A man who doesn't want me because I'm not right for him isn't the right man for me. I want someone who adores me as I am and puts me first and is 100% sure that I'm the one.

And sometimes I just had to say 'fuck off [name]' every time he popped into my head (thanks to @colouringindoors for that idea). Sometimes I said to myself 'I'm letting him go to make room for what's right for me'. I made a list of his bad points and looked at them frequently and added to it as I remembered new things.

It's harder now tbh. I'm wondering if I'm over him enough to be in touch as friends which we talked about. I suspect I won't know unless I try. I'm still thinking it over.

@WhisperingJesse You sound so strong and are inspiring me, NC is definitely the best and only way for them to miss us. Would you say the first few days of it are the hardest? I also keep looking at whether he's online or not. Got to break these habits!

It may be too soon to be friends. Not sure how that would serve you, it would be nice for him but probably not so fair on you. Take your time

@WaiveringKate oh I'm so sorry to hear you're experiencing this agony. It can be horrific. For me the first two weeks were the worst. I could barely function.

Extra hard that he's your line manager. It took me two weeks before I went totally NC. There were a couple of things I had to ask him post spilt, and his answers although very hard, have helped me start to detach.

The fuck off thing does help
Doing "The List" helps
Leaning on your friends
Crying as much as you need to
Being extra kind to yourself

I will not be friends with mine for the forseeable future. Because that's not what I want from him. I still miss him every day, but the pain is easing.

@milkandhoneyy It definitely gets easier as time goes on, only it's slow and sometimes you won't feel like that's the case. Then there are random bad days when you don't know why you feel so bad when you had been feeling better.

I feel like I can hardly breathe today. Want to message him badly

Hope you managed to resist Waivering. Just try and take it one day at a time (not messaging).

Hope you're hanging in there milkandhoney.

Well thread is nearly full, so just want to say a massive thank you to everyone that's supported me. Esp in the first few weeks. Can't tell you how much of a difference it made.

💐💐💐 to everyone with a broken heart.

@colouringindoors so glad you're feeling better, it's been lovely to see everyone pulling together and supporting each other. I've contributed very little really but have continued to follow this thread and it's helped me hugely on the days when I've felt like I've hit a wall (and there's been a few lately)
Here's to us all staying strong and finding happiness in whatever form that may take.
I'll be sad when this thread is full haha, maybe we should have another, life after heartbreak. I'd be sure to join!
Love to you all ❤️

Ah thanks @homebaby I'm glad it's been helpful. I did wonder about starting another thread but wasn't sure of angle/interest...

Thanks @colouringindoors
I'd love to continue with a new thread. This has been such a comfort and everyone seems so lovely.

It was ex's birthday yesterday. I sent a card. We are 'friends' so I waited all-day for a 'thanks for the card' text which of course never arrived. I was going to message him as well saying hey, happy birthday.. but I decided if I was idiotic enough to send the card it would be overkill. I'm kind of glad I sent it (as he knows I didn't just forget the date) but now I'm torturing myself wondering if he actually received it 😂😂 even googling royal mail posting times to see if there are delays.. why oh why am I so obsessed with knowing what he's doing?

BTW, I've found a YouTube channel which is keeping me sane in the small hours of the night. It's Coach Lee and he speaks a lot of sense. Explains the psychology of no contact and why you must 'give' the dumper, so to speak, the breakup. It's called getyourexback but it's more about looking at the stages of a breakup and pulling back to find yourself. I also find it comforting to know others have gone through this and come out stronger.

So, just when I thought I was moving forward after going complete nc he messaged me on my business page, he's blocked on my phone and personal fb. Apparently met someone new but it's ended as he's not over me. Wants to try again, regrets everything blah blah blah. It's messed me up so much. Despite knowing he's a narcissist, I've done enough research about it, why do i question if he's telling the truth and if we really are meant to be together?! Can't believe I'm here, I've been so strong and now I feel like a weak mess again. Need a handhold

Urgh that's so tough. I totally understand how it's thrown you, you're not being weak, he's thrown a real spanner in the works. If mine got in touch I would be all over the place.

Keep telling yourself that he's a narcissist. That is not someone who can be a good partner. I'd really try not to respond at all. Unless you want to say Don't contact me again.

Hang in there x