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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Utterly, utterly, heartbroken

1000 replies

colouringindoors · 07/01/2022 16:22

I know I'm not the first and won't be the last. It's nothing new.

But I honestly don't know how I can bear this Sad

This morning my relationship ended. We'd only been "together" for six months, friends for 3 years, I've "liked" him for over 3 years. It has been wonderful. I could talk about anything and everything with him. He made me laugh, he's kind, we had lots in common and omg the chemistry was incredible. I really thought he was the person I'd spend the rest of my life with.

This came after separating from my husband of 20+ years 4 years ago and a huge amount of trauma due to ex's severe mental illness, ds severely ill, dd diagnosed ASD. The last 10 years have been horrendous apart from meeting new man, getting to know him and becoming involved with him.

I feel worse than I did when I separated from my husband. I've been unable to stop crying all day. I literally don't know what to do with myself.

How do I bear this?!

OP posts:
RoyKentsChestHair · 02/03/2022 21:40

Thank you for your message colouring - I appreciate it Flowers

PeakyBlender · 02/03/2022 23:51

I had my hair done today and my wise hairdresser said the best way to get over a man is to get under another one Grin

Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/03/2022 08:19

There is some logic to that
I stated this thread obsessed with one
Met another
Got obsessed with him
Split up !
Now finding a new one to go nuts over Grin

But the main benefit is it dos help you see their flaws and how maybe they weren’t right for you

Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/03/2022 08:23

So I can see that
#1 was pure limerence and was totally uncommunicative , and I’ve stopped lusting after him
#2 was self absorbed and felt his issues were more than mine (still lusting but less )

Itsmewithanewname · 03/03/2022 08:39

I'm reading your thread to will myself not to message ex, who dumped me a week before we were meant to go on holiday. I went on my own (with family) and just got back. He's been decent and repaid me the cost.. I messaged him a few times to say got home safely, etc.. and he always responds pleasantly. Which gives me hope that he's pining for me and wants to get back together must stop this!

Colouring, I feel your pain. It's awful when it feels so unresolved!

bangaverage · 03/03/2022 08:41

@bangaverage

Were you the OW? I think he's still married isn't he? It might help to think of his wife if that's the case?
I'm guessing the answer to this is yes, in which case I have to say I'm finding it a little harder to be sympathetic.
Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/03/2022 08:54

She wasn’t the ow
I can assure you of that !
#iverinvested!

pougie3 · 03/03/2022 10:05

@Thisisworsethananticpated

She wasn’t the ow I can assure you of that ! #iverinvested!
OP had a fantasy of confronting his wife on her doorstep though?!
Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/03/2022 10:25

I think he went back to an ex possible
But I don’t think there were married

WhisperingJesse · 03/03/2022 12:51

He didn't go back to an ex - he said he wasn't fully over his ex which had ended well before colouring started a relationship with him.

Original poster
colouringindoors · 03/03/2022 14:13

@itsmewithanewname oh massive sympathies x I totally get what you mean. Although I'm doing so much better than 8 weeks ago, a part of me still hopes he'll turn up on the doorstep.... 🙄🙄🙄🙄

He's separated btw.

Don't know why I would have talked about confronting ex wife tbh. ?Because he's so so damaged by her telling him she didn't love him, didn't want him? f knows.

Thanks @Thisisworsethananticpated I appreciate the support x Are you able to access any counselling or something to understand why the limerence thing is so big with you? An attachment thing?

I think for me the intensity was in big part as a result of being so traumatised, lonely and happy for a decade, and then with him happy, supported and desired - totally intoxicating...

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/03/2022 21:21

colouringindoors

I’m starting therapy next week baby
And I’m very happy you likes someone’s eyes
Keep at it !
Need you to realise you can lust after others

underum · 04/03/2022 21:06

So all the time you were with him @colouringindoors he never gave any indication he wasn't over his ex, yet suddenly out the blue he finishes with you and then subsequently explains he isn't over his ex?

That don't make any sense to me.

Something must have triggered him?

underum · 04/03/2022 21:40

@colouringindoors

Thank you for replying x I really do believe I need to go NC. I have done it before with him (before he split with ex). I lasted 6 months.
Why did you go NC @colouringindoors at that time? Could there be a connection between that time and his recent decision?
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 04/03/2022 21:45

This is a long running thread. It seems like a soap! Going to have to start at the beginning with a mug of coffee and a bag of Maltesers!

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 04/03/2022 22:16

@colouringindoors

8 weeks is like, the end Feb. Bloody hell.
Well you're past that now! Time flies!
Original poster
colouringindoors · 05/03/2022 00:39

This is not a fucking soap.

This thread has, in the past been really helpful and I've had some wonderful support and advice. Thank you to those posters.

But no more.

OP posts:
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 05/03/2022 08:21

@colouringindoors

This is not a fucking soap.

This thread has, in the past been really helpful and I've had some wonderful support and advice. Thank you to those posters.

But no more.

Calm down. It was meant lightheartedly. Not everything is a swipe at you. I meant in terms of the length of the thread and the cast of characters that have gone through the same thing as you. You're lucky to have found those posters and so many comments.

And thanks for swearing at me this fine Saturday morning, you have a f*ing nice weekend too.

pictish · 05/03/2022 08:25

No need for that OP. This is a public forum that anyone can read. I have read this thread as a frank account of heartbreak which has been compelling and moving as it has progressed. That’s all the poster meant by saying what she did…she’s not personally invested in you and nor does she have to be.
If it’s not a fucking soap opera keep it for your rl inner circle.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 05/03/2022 08:59

Well said
And I guess people get a bit raggedy and read things the wrong way when upset
And people naturally get offended at being sworn at when they meant well !

And frankly there’s me stressing about my new kitchen installation and work and my mentally ill
Son
And then I see my friends posting their home city got bombed to fuck last night

And I’m like how big are my problems really ?

So , there we are Flowers

underum · 05/03/2022 09:41

OP's still mourning the loss of the relationship. That affects people in different ways but being quick to anger is common I think. Also, yes in the scheme of things, a relationship ending is nothing compared to the horrors of war, but grief is not comparative and there isn't a scale of causes to make grief more or less worthy of compassion.

My two pence worth sorry for the rant. It sounds like OP got involved in a very complex case and that there's probably more to her ex's marriage and what went on in it than she knows.

milkandhoneyy · 07/03/2022 11:06

Just want to say this thread is helping me so much. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for a break up that I just know is coming in the next couple of days. If not from him, then sadly by me. I feel so anxious and nauseous for what's to come. It's been a short but intense relationship and I can see now I have been totally lovebombed. He's now done a 180 and left me feeling so confused and obsessed. Hope you ladies are doing well.

milkandhoneyy · 07/03/2022 11:41

@colouringindoors are you feeling any better? Has it got easier? I need some hope!

Original poster
colouringindoors · 07/03/2022 18:51

@milkandhoneyy oh I'm really sorry to hear about your relationship. I'm glad this thread is helping. Yes I am doing a lot better 8 weeks on. I went to a very dark place for a few weeks. I don't feel anywhere near as heartbroken as I did at the start. I still think about him most days, annoyingly (and tell my thoughts about him to f off). I still feel sad a bit most days. I still think it's a massive waste. But very gradually the pain is easing and I sometimes get a glimpse of optimism for a future and someone else. It takes as long as it takes. Be really kind to yourself 💐

OP posts:
milkandhoneyy · 07/03/2022 19:14

@colouringindoors thank you. I'm glad you are starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel. You have done so well, keep going! I feel awful and in such despair, it doesn't seem like I will ever be able to cope with it or love/be attracted to anyone else in the same way. How can peoples feelings and behaviour just switch so drastically and quickly!! I will try really hard to do NC as most people here seem to believe that's the best way.

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