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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Utterly, utterly, heartbroken

1000 replies

colouringindoors · 07/01/2022 16:22

I know I'm not the first and won't be the last. It's nothing new.

But I honestly don't know how I can bear this Sad

This morning my relationship ended. We'd only been "together" for six months, friends for 3 years, I've "liked" him for over 3 years. It has been wonderful. I could talk about anything and everything with him. He made me laugh, he's kind, we had lots in common and omg the chemistry was incredible. I really thought he was the person I'd spend the rest of my life with.

This came after separating from my husband of 20+ years 4 years ago and a huge amount of trauma due to ex's severe mental illness, ds severely ill, dd diagnosed ASD. The last 10 years have been horrendous apart from meeting new man, getting to know him and becoming involved with him.

I feel worse than I did when I separated from my husband. I've been unable to stop crying all day. I literally don't know what to do with myself.

How do I bear this?!

OP posts:
ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 07/01/2022 17:31

This too shall pass. It won’t always feel as raw and unbearable. You will start to feel better. Flowers sorry you’re going through this. Baby steps. Set small doable tasks to get you through the day. Shiwer, put wash on , sofa with mug of tea. You’ll come through thus.

Gargellen · 07/01/2022 17:32

It's the feeling he wanted to get Christmas out of the way first too when they do it at this time of year.

Sorry you are going through this OP. It sucks.

StopStartStop · 07/01/2022 17:41

Deep breaths, keep busy, it will pass. Promise.

Wandawide · 07/01/2022 17:47

I sympathise with you, these feelings really hurt.
I have had a couple of relationships that broke up and hurt a bit, but it soon faded.
But another broke up suddenly and it was as if I was bereaved. Saw his face in crowds -of course it wasn't. Thinking about him on and off for years. I know it would not have properly worked long term in our case. Still replaying it over in my mind.

AgathaMystery · 07/01/2022 17:49

I promise it gets better. Think in terms of threes. Allow three days to wallow. I mean really grieve. You will be ready to cope better in 3 days.

In 3 weeks you will be able to function loads better and can meet friends for coffee etc.

In 3 months it will be spring and you will be making plans for summer.

I promise it gets better. I promise.

sadpapercourtesan · 07/01/2022 17:55

You're probably being hit by an avalanche of feelings from all your previous traumas, as well as the understandable pain of this break-up. I've found that sometimes when I've got through something terrible, I'm in survival mode and don't experience all the emotions at the time - it's later, when something awful but not quite as life-threatening happens, that it all snowballs and the whole lot is triggered. Could explain why you're feeling so overwhelmed?

I agree with the pp who said give yourself time to wallow, even if it's just a few days. It's a process you need to go through, so don't berate yourself for going through it or try to speed it up - just go through it, and try to take care of yourself as lovingly as you would if a dear friend was in pain Flowers

ChristmasPudding12 · 07/01/2022 17:56

@colouringindoors I'm so sorry you are feeling like this, I posted another thread last night as I'm similar situation, I read your posts about how you're feeling and I'm exactly the same just now. I have managed to make kids dinner tonight ham wraps an salad so more put on a plate but I'm struggling to do much past th very very basics. How are you managing this evening? Like you say grieving the future thought we had and just uncontrollably cryin, can't eat and feel sick. The other posters on here are so good with words and posting and reading the replies over and over and looking at other similar threads are helpful at easing it a little. I also left a long and abusive relationship 3 yr ago and this relationship was my first since then, and basically the only other DP I've ever had apart from my husband, we were together 13 yrs. after such a shit time with my ex I was swept off my feet and could not believe my luck and thought it was my happy ever after, it's devestating knowing that's over. We will get through this though xxx

Words · 07/01/2022 17:59

You poor love. Have a hand hold and a hanky.🌸🌸🌸

Humphs27 · 07/01/2022 18:05

I was in exactly the same position a few weeks ago. I had split from my husband and met someone not long after. I thought we would be together forever but it wasn’t meant to be, and I was utterly devastated! I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t even look after the kids! All I can say is that few weeks down the line, I am in a much better place. Although I do still miss him very much, I can live with it.
I hope you are ok… You will get through this.

Moonface123 · 07/01/2022 18:09

l feel for you, l would highly reccomend reading "Getting past your Breakup", by Susan J Elliott, l found it extremely helpful, alot of good advice. l got mine from Amazon, has got fantastic reviews.
l would also like to say you see people differently when feelings arent involved, these feelings that are causing so much suffering now will fade.
Dont try to win him back, if he wants to walk let him, you focus on you.

JangolinaPitt · 07/01/2022 18:13

So sorry you are going thru this. It is about to happen to me and very similar background. Am anticipating and filling my time with as much as possible. But also had this once before STBXH and I know that unbearable feeling of it wanting to be anywhere and the unbearable pain.
Exercise helps -if you can wear yourself out running/swimming/more running till you are exhausted then sleep. Xxxx

JangolinaPitt · 07/01/2022 18:14

not wanting to be anywhere

Windywuss · 07/01/2022 18:14

Aww I'm sorry @colouringindoors. Been there very much. I met someone I fell massively for after years of being single after a crap marriage. He loved me too. We had a lovely time together. Then the 2020 lockdown and it unravelled. I cried for weeks ( not helped by lockdown and not even being able to have a hug from anyone).

Just let yourself grieve and don't let your man come back unless he really truly means it. Contact your friends. Have a good son. Chat on here. It'll get better gradually.

I remember day 1. I couldn't move from the sofa. I watched a crappy film because I couldn't cope with anything funny or emotional or interesting. I would recommend big dumb action films!

FlowersBrewFlowersCake

Windywuss · 07/01/2022 18:15

Have a good *sob not son. Sorry. Silly phone

CPL593H · 07/01/2022 18:21

You were able to feel happy with him, you will be able to feel happiness again, on your own or with someone else. The capacity for it comes from you Flowers

HelenGraham2121 · 07/01/2022 18:25

It really gets on my nerves that people start relationships when they have unresolved issues regarding previous relationships. It’s selfish.

It is, but sometimes people genuinely don't realise they have unresolved issues/still have feelings until they are in their next relationship.

There's a reason rebound is an established phenomenon.

The other thing is, and op this is to try to help you rather than make you feel worse or lead you to demanding if it's the case from him; I know at least one guy who says this when he decides he wants to end a relationship, and wants to avoid unpleasant conversations and wrangling about what is "wrong" with the woman he's ending things with, or wrong with the relationship.

I know of other men who've said they use it too.

This is not to make you feel worse, but just to say that he may not be as nice as you think, or may not have been actually looking for an ltr, or may not have found you as compatible as you thought etc. So, not be be put on a pedestal.

HelenGraham2121 · 07/01/2022 18:28

Also most people seem lovely if your previous relationship was, or became, shit. You can idealise it which you may have done.

Nightday · 07/01/2022 18:33

The break up of your first relationship after a poor marriage is devastating if you didn’t see it coming or want to break up. Worst heartache I’ve ever felt. It’s gets better with time.

Original poster
colouringindoors · 07/01/2022 20:57

ChristmasPudding12 sending much love and sympathy.

I ended up sobbing on my neighbours shoulder at 6 as i didn't know what to do with myself. Helped. She's much older, and very wise

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 07/01/2022 20:59

Windywuss thank you so much. So sorry to hear about your heartbreak x

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 07/01/2022 21:02

JangolinaPitt oh no I'm so sorry to hear that. The pain is something else. I have cried the entire day, something I've never done before despite many causes.

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 07/01/2022 21:03

Humphs27 oh you poor thing, it's horrendous isn't it x so pleased you're feeling a bit better now.

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 07/01/2022 21:04

words 🌸🌸🌸

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 07/01/2022 21:05

Moonface123 love the name. thanks, wonder if it's on audible...

OP posts:
Backtoblack1 · 07/01/2022 21:06

I’m so sorry. Why did you break up? Did you see it coming at all? X

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